I (28f) am having my third (and final) child with my husband and I have a scheduled c-section and hysterectomy planned. My periods started when I was young (9) and I have suffered with them ever since.
They're extremely painful, heavy and (very) long. I wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant with my issues but I knew I wanted children so I delayed even when the option was originally presented to me. It was worth it but these extra years have been torture on my body.
My sister (31f) is struggling with infertility. She's had some fertility treatments but nothing has worked for her yet. It was suggested to her on more than one occasion that she could consider a surrogate.
She was very against it for so long. In another situation, one where I didn't have all the problems I have, I would have offered for her because we're so close. But I need to be done. I don't know if I'll honestly survive like I have been if I wait another couple of years or more so my sister can have kids.
In December my sister came right out and asked me not to have the hysterectomy yet and to be her surrogate so she can be a mother too. I told her I was so sorry and if my body wasn't giving me the hell it is, I'd do it for her, but I couldn't delay it any longer. She got upset but told me it was fine and she understood. She'd get over it. I could tell it bothered her but I didn't want to fight about it.
Then Christmas came and my BIL got involved. Our whole family was together Christmas Day and when everyone was busy he asked to speak to me and then he berated me for my selfishness and he said if I loved my sister as much as I said I'd delay it like I did for my own selfish reasons.
My husband and my mom heard him and they stepped in to defend me and my husband told my BIL to back off and nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy. Mom said emotions might be high around it but none of this is my fault and he shouldn't attack me like that. BIL told them I broke my sister's heart and he was pissed at me for it. My mom told him again that it wasn't my fault.
The rest of Christmas Day was strained and afterward my sister told me she was sorry about her husband, but they were just so upset and they felt robbed of having a baby biologically related to the two of them. I told her I was so sorry and I was here if she needed me. BIL reached out and said my sister might be sorry but he still thinks I'm incredibly selfish. AITA?
Clean_Factor9673 said:
NTA. She's not entitled to your womb. It's terrible for her and her husband to pressure you.
Ok_Reach_6527 said:
NTA. F your BIL. He wants you to risk your life and prolong medical complications for you to have a high risk pregnancy because your sister and he don't want to adopt. Most women have a hard time getting a hysterectomy because doctors tell them they need to wait for various misogynistic reasons.
The fact you have had it suggested previously means you must REALLY need the procedure to protect your health and life. They can find another surrogate.
ObligationWeekly9117 said:
NTA. I have also given birth three times and let me just say your BIL can f ALL the way off. How do he feel entitled to nearly a year of someone’s pain and discomfort? I wouldn’t even do it again- for my own family. Let alone for anyone else.
Gesteveze said:
NTA. Your health and well-being come first, and no one has the right to pressure you into delaying a necessary medical procedure, especially one that impacts your quality of life so significantly.
It’s heartbreaking that your sister is struggling, but that doesn’t make you selfish for prioritizing your own health. Your BIL’s behavior is out of line, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
Acrobatic_Gap5400 said:
NTA. You wrote the main sentence: nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy. They have no right to your body and you are not robbing them of anything. Infertility is hard, very hard.
But they put pressure on you, guilt trip you etc. because you beeing the surrogate is an easy solution. But it is not the only solution and them becoming parents is not your responsibility.
Middle-Cloud-4814 said:
NTA it’s incredibly selfish for a man to demand that you carry his child. It’s sad that your sister is having fertility issues and I can sympathise that it must be hard for her seeing you get pregnant, but there are other ways to become a mother.