Woman refuses to drive stepdaughters to 'expensive' class, 'the co-parenting relationship is unstable.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughters to their newest extra curricular activity?"

My husband has two daughters (13 and 12) with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 11 years and we have been married for 7 years and share two kids together ages 6 and 3. His ex-wife is not currently remarried but she did marry twice since the divorce and has two additional children ages 9 and 5.

The co-parenting relationship is very unstable and changeable. Some decisions need to be made via mediation. Others they can agree on to a point. While a few were taken to court for a judge to decided for them.

My relationship with my stepdaughters was good until 3 years ago when their mom's negativity changed how they treat me. They have expressed that they know their mom doesn't like me so they won't like me anymore either.

This has been discussed in court and in therapy and nothing has changed. They continue to treat me differently than before. They don't get away with disrespect but they still are way more than before and they're colder with me in general. Now onto the issue where I want to know if I'm TA.

My husband and I are typically really good about communicating and he is a supportive husband and father and has done a good job of keeping me out of his ex-wife's way so she can't say crap to me and also standing up for me. I don't join them for talks about the girls. That's him and his ex but my husband and I will discuss it.

A few months ago, the girls said they wanted to take new dance classes 50 minutes from our home. They already do ballet, dancing for fun (which is free) and gymnastics. But these dance classes are different. They're also more expensive than the other extra curricular's they do.

I told my husband I thought the new dance classes were too far and too expensive and I said they would not work with the schedule we already have. But when he and his ex sat down to discuss it he agreed to these new dance classes which he and his ex will split 50/50.

When he told me I wasn't thrilled, because he didn't tell me he was going to agree to them. But I know it's not my decision. But I told him I could not and would not help get the girls there. He told me we'd figure something out.

The girls were back with us two days after this talk and they said their mom told them I didn't want them to do these dance classes and sucks to be me, because I don't have a say because I'm not their parent. My husband told them not to speak to me like that.

He was unable to get his parents to take the girls to the new classes so he wanted me to do it. I put my foot down and said no. He said he can't because he has to work. I told him I have to drop our 6-year-old off at his extra curricular that day and it would not work with time.

My husband asked his ex if she'd bring them every week and she's saying I'm such an ahole for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this. That I need to do what the kids want and stay out of their way otherwise. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

JustAMuggle94 said:

NTA - You’re not part of the plan, so your help is unnecessary. You have your own children to worry about. Mom wants to continue to advocate for hate, then literally just do what duties need to be done when they are physically in your home. Feed them and make sure they have water and electricity.

That’s it. Dad also needs to buck the f up and remind his ex that if she wants her kids to hate you, you’re not doing the extra. He can fight with her about the kids but not about respecting you? Almost sounds like you don’t need him either.

Useful_Context_2602 said:

NTA. Blended families are hard work and it's a two way street. Those girls don't respect you but want your help. That would be a big no from me.

C_Majuscula said:

NTA. They (husband and his ex) don't involve you directly in the decision-making, so they can't make demands or assumptions after the fact. Fifty minutes one way to a class is WAY too long and you are right to say no.

New-Tomato-4476 said:

NTA. You were not part of the decision and its not your job to handle their activities. Your husband and his ex should figure it out. Its fair to set boundaries, especially with the disrespect.

cassowary32 said:

NTA. They don't get to add 2+ hours of driving and waiting around to your day without your consent.

Whole-Plankton5570 said:

NTA. This is exactly why when we got divorced, and our children were teens, I waited until they were in college to remarry. Blended families, with both active bio parents, can be a mine field. Of course, not all scenarios are bad, but this dynamic happens a lot.

SaveBandit987654321 said:

Why do people in high conflict coparenting situations remarry and have more kids? Is it a desire to inflict the damage on a greater number of people? Like it’s not bad enough his older daughters have to grow up with he and his wife’s bad parenting, but now he has two more kids to get in on it. NTA.