Woman REFUSES to be excited for sister's pregnancy; 'You've NEVER even MET my kids.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to be excited for my sister (29f) about her pregnancy when she has never met my (26f) children (3M) (2M)?"

My sister (29F) and I (26F) have always had a troubled relationship and have never seen eye to eye. However we do love each other and would hang out and get along as best as we could.

The problems all started when I got married to my husband (30M) five years ago and had two children shortly after. Throughout my pregnancy my sister didn’t bother to check on me and completely took herself out of my life. I just assumed she was jealous or had some type of issue with me being pregnant.

I was not prepared for what would happen after my first son (3M) was born. She asked me for a picture of him shortly after he was born when we had not spoken the whole time I had been pregnant. I thought that maybe this was a turning point for us and we could finally get along.

I was very wrong. She has never met either of my sons. I have offered to bring them to see her numerous times but there was always an excuse. She never asked me how they were doing or showed any interest in them. My sister has even boasted about other kids that are her friends children but seems to hate her own nephews.

I am so confused. The problem has now got even more complicated now that she has announced she is pregnant. I am happy for her but I am still hurt with how she has treated my children and how she treated me during my pregnancy.

My mum (65F) says I’m being selfish and to just let it go and be excited for her but I’m finding it difficult. I am super excited for her to be a mum but I can’t just forget how she treated me. I want to have a relationship with my niece or nephew but I also don’t know how possible that would be. So AITA?

raydamos writes:

Mild YTA. You are (justifiably) hurt, and it's totally your call whether you forgive or not. By your description, it doesn't sound that your sister WANTS you in her kid's life. Or that she cares one way or another how you feel about it.

You say you were genuinely excited. So be real, a simple "I'm happy for you, that's exciting news" can suffice. You are being honest. This doesn't mean you need to make an effort to help or support or reach out to her outside of that.

If you feel strongly about being in your niece/nephew's life, you may have to weigh whether you are willing to make more effort than your sister does to have them in your (and your kids') lives.

Just realize that you can't change or control what your sis does, especially since she's pretending she doesn't even know what you're talking about. You can only decide what you will do and how you will react.

housepost writes:

YTA: All of your complaints are assumptions. Your sister seems fine and says there's nothing to resolve. Be the person to your sister you wished she'd been to you. She's young and oblivious. Assume nothing is wrong and act normal. And drop the heavy talks with her.

nikosma writes:

Based on the information above, NTA, but no one else is either. Your mom seems to be making peace (even though you would think she would ask the other daughter why she isn't more involved). Your sister can do whatever she wants but the old rule of FAFO. I don't think she expects consequences.

If you want a better relationship, now is the time to take her to task and address the issue. If she pushes she's not doing anything wrong, then take that the lesson of people will show you who they are. Once her child is born, she may not even want you involved with the nibling. This could all be she wants attention. Hard to tell without more information.

rockolgy writes:

NTA. There's a real difference here in emotion and action. You do not have to be excited about potential nibling here, and certainly not about her or her pregancy.

Should you send her a card or something? Basic congratulations gif on Facebook or Messenger or something? Sure.

Doing nothing and ignoring her would be A-holery. But not checking in on her, not reaching out... treating her exactly as she has treated you is perfectly fine. Send a card, and forget about her until it's time to meet up at some family gathering. Sometimes cousins don't meet for years at a time, if that's the family dynamics.

And now, OP's update:

Edit: I have reached out to my sister to resolve the issues we have but she is genuinely not interested in resolving anything. She has only got in contact because she is now pregnant.

Also my mum has tried to talk to her but she isn’t interested and doesn’t give her a reason why she doesn’t want to see my kids either. I do think it’s important to note that my mum wasn’t happy about my pregnancies either and has not made an effort either.

As people have been asking I was 23 when I had my first baby and my mum thought I was too young and refused to be supportive through my pregnancy and did it again with my second.

A little bit more context I am a people pleaser I have always just apologised and let things slide in the past even if they really hurt me. This time I cannot ignore it.

I’ve spoken to my mum and I’ve set a boundary with her that she needs to stop pushing me to talk to my sister. I have asked that she apologise for how she treated me during my pregnancy and after and if she can do that then we can work on our relationship.

My sister is continuing to contact me asking me to plan a baby shower and I have as of now not responded.