Yesterday I argued with my husband since I eliminated my MIL from Facebook 2 years ago after she ruined my birthday dinner. Here's what went down: I invited some people over for dinner at 8:30 pm on my birthday, I cleaned up the house left everything ready, and set up for the celebration.
A family friend 56F who's a doctor asked me for help with a raffle contest she was hosting + invited me over for some tea at 5:00 pm. After we finished doing the raffle stuff, we drank some tea with cookies and started talking for a bit. At exactly 6:30 pm my aunt called me and asked me if I was still with the doctor (she was also watching the raffle event so she knew we were together).
I told her "Yes, I'm still here." She then told me there was a weird infection in her eye and wanted to ask the doctor a question. As normal, the doctor took my phone and started giving some recommendations to my aunt, we were looking for medicines in her office to give her and all of that.
At exactly 7:00 pm I left the doctor's house and arrived at my house, but my MIL had already arrived. As I entered the house she screamed at me and said "Why are you out of your house on your birthday? Was it just to get laid and cheat?" I got extremely angry because:
I've never given anyone a reason to believe I'm cheating.
What I do on my birthday is my own business.
And I told her that. She then demanded to check my phone to see if it was true. I had nothing to hide so I unblocked the phone and asked her to check everything. There I had the photos my aunt sent the doctor, the video of the raffle, and texts with my friend before arriving at her house.
Even though I had all the proof, she didn't back down on her claims. I was starting to get angrier. I tried to calm down and even though I had some information that her daughter (my SIL) had issues with her partner because she cheated on him, I decided to not say anything.
I'm not a tasteless person to use information I have against anyone, even if for a minute I thought about it. I was just thinking to myself "Mind your own business, your daughter is the one you should be checking on."
My husband attempted to defend me, saying she shouldn't disrespect me like that. Since he went on to defend me instead of her she got angry. She then threw my cake and continued her tantrum.
The rest of the night was completely ruined for me...since guests were starting to arrive I didn't wanna ask anyone to leave, but I was not enjoying my birthday. That same night I deleted her from Facebook and haven't accepted her back.
My MIL's birthday was about 21 days after mine. Of course, I didn't show up to her birthday party because I was still angry. My husband tried to persuade me to go, but I didn't want to. He went alone with my son and the rest of his family members (who have also been rude to me in the past) were talking trash about me.
My MIL tried to make herself look like a victim, but my husband told her: "That's what you get for ruining someone's birthday." And shortly after that, he and my son left her birthday party as well.
To summarize what's been happening ever since: After my birthday she did attempt to make amends with me. However, she's so opinionated and judgemental all the time. I'm a full-time employee in Data Science, but still I make the time to cook for my family, clean the house, and get all the chores done.
She notices how much I struggle to juggle everything but she LOVES to tell me how I'm not good enough in her eyes. Not only that: She also demands my husband to give her money every week since my SIL is not working ATM.
Yesterday my husband shared a post on Facebook and tagged me and his mom. His mom then called him and complained about how I never wanted to add her back on Facebook since she's so good to us.
He then asked me about that and I told my husband I would never add her again. He got mad at me because even after two years I haven't been able to fully forgive her. I told him it's not just the birthday thing. It's also everything else, the way she's always trying to bring me down even though I haven't let her get to me, how she treats me, etc.
He thinks I should just forget everything and accept her treatment just cause she's older than me, but I disagree entirely. I think if we're all adults we all deserve respect. Am I the red flag in this situation for not having my MIL on Facebook, not entirely forgiving her, and not trusting her with anything?
youmustb3jokn said:
Nta. Honestly this is a mil and husband problem. I would never let my kid witness any grandparent talking trash about their parent. So the fact that your husband was fine with that immediately told me he’s the problem too.
This isn’t she is just annoying, she actively defames you to everyone that listens and at any event. I mean she’s obsessed with you. I think you have been honest that she is not welcomed in your Facebook or your life. But your husband’s lack of support and saying you need to get over this. My God this woman accuses you of cheating at your birthday party. How is he not on your side.
bill-schick said:
NTA, your husband needs to stop with the " accept her treatment just cause she's older than me" thing. If she can't be have tell her to go back to school to learn manners. MIL wanted to accuse you as well as ruin your birthday while your husband pays MIL because SIL is a cheater and jobless.
Lazuli_Rose said:
NTA. I wouldn't add her back and when she starts criticizing you, leave her house or if you are at your home, tell her to leave. Your husband just wants you to forgive and forget to get her off his back, but I would hold firm. She made her bed, she can damn well lay in it.
Little_Loki918 said:
NTA. I would tell husband, "as you point out, your mom is older than me, which means that she is far too old to believe that there are no consequences to her actions and behaviors. If you are tired of listening to her tirades, I suggest that you go low contact with her. As for me, I will continue to protect my peace and prioritize my mental health. Life is too short to allow people to treat me so disrespectfully."
Less_Instruction_345 said:
NTA. You have a spineless husband who needs to back you up. He is demeaning your position and not supporting you as he should. Shame on him. Your MIL is a monster and there is no need to have any contact with her on social media. She can address you and your husband together or not at all.
Senior-Tradition4171 said:
NTA - his mother is and your husband needs to grow a spine and realise that as your husband, he should be supporting you not making you feel like you are in the wrong. Keep her blocked, keep being no contact with her and keep your peace.