'AITA for refusing to go out to dinner with my autistic nephew because of ranch dressing?'

"AITA for refusing to go out to dinner with my autistic nephew because of ranch dressing?"

I (27f) have my cousin (34f), my nephew (10m) and, niece (6f) coming to stay with me for four days next month. My nephew is autistic and has some food troubles. In some ways he's not a picky eater - he eats a very balanced diet and is willing to try most things if he's given ample time to mentally prepare.

That being said he won't eat ANYTHING without Ranch Dressing. He puts it on everything including sushi and soups. If it does not have ranch he won't touch it and has a full-blown meltdown if you try to force him. He keeps a little thermos with ranch on him anywhere he goes just in case.

My sister really wants to go and have some foods she has been missing such as Thai and Indian. I think that's great but I know these restaurants don't serve ranch. I called around to the restaurants to see if they would allow me to bring outside ranch into the restaurant due to my nephew's disability but they said they can't make any exceptions for outside food.

I told my cousin as such and she insisted we could just sneak some ranch into the restaurants and it will be fine since she apparently does it all the time at home.
I refused. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea and I like these restaurants and don't want to risk getting banned. I know we can just order take out and both the kids would prefer to stay at my place anyway.

I told my sister if she was that insistent on going OUT to eat I could watch the kids while she went out (or stay home with just my nephew) and she could enjoy the meal herself.

My cousin was horribly offended by this suggestion and has been blowing up my phone saying I'm an a^&le, trying to prevent her from having a nice vacation with her kids, and that I'm ableist (despite being autistic myself).

I really don't think I'm being an a&*le, but I'm really bad at understanding social norms and now her husband and my aunt are texting me saying I'm horrible for suggesting she can't have dinner out with her children. She's been threatening not to come visit me and just go stay with her parents who live two hours away in the opposite direction. so AITA?

Here's what the top commenters had to say:

spookobsessedscot said:

NTA. I've worked in restaurants on and off for years and it's all about cross contamination, the fact that you offered to babysit as well so she could enjoy the food without stress was kind of you.

Yeah, it sucks that the world doesn't cater to us ND, but you did your research, gave alternatives and attempted to find a way to suit everyone. Sounds like she is throwing a tantrum from not getting her own way, but is there also a chance this is a burned out mum projecting her frustrations due to being desperate for a bit of "normality?"

Also, the word ableist is getting excessively thrown around nowadays. Try not to let this wear you down.

StAlvis said:

NTA. OMG just get takeout! Enjoy a lovely RANCHED-OUT restaurant meal with the family at home.

jolovesmustard said:

NTA I have an autistic child with food issues but I also work in the food service industry. There are many reasons outside food is banned but the main reasons is allergens. You can’t ensure customer safety in this situation.

yeahipostedthat said:

YTA. No server is going to notice or care about some ranch dressing packets. I waited tables for years and would see people with their own seasoning bottle or whatever and didn't give a crap.

You're making this a much bigger deal than it is. When restaurants say no outside food they mean don't bring your own meal, not a random condiment for an autistic child.

CrabbiestAsp said:

NTA. You've gone above and beyond by calling these restaurants to confirm if he can be catered to. Not many people would do that. Your sister won't face any long term consequences if you all get caught with the extra food, it will be you who can't return to the restaurants etc. You've given her a few other options. She is unwilling to compromise.

While the opinions were slightly divided here, most people took OP's side. What's your advice for this family?

After reading the comments OP came back with these edits:

Edit: wow I did not expect so many people to have an opinion on this. Thank you for all the comments (even the people saying i'm an asshole). I am slowly getting through all the comments. To answer a couple of things that keep coming up.

1. I wanted to be accurate for the story so I called her my cousin (she is my cousin technically) But she's basically my sister and I call her as such (what we call each other) and my tired brain didn't filter that properly.

2. My nephew is working with a professional to help expand his food preferences and ability to eat food without ranch. There's been a small amount of success but the main way there's been any success is by planning with him what he wants to try weeks in advance.

He now eats rice and white bread occasionally without it, and basically putting the food on the table and giving him AS LONG AS HE NEEDS to try it, this includes letting him leave the table to heavily stim (he likes running around in circles) before he tries it and it does not always work.

3. In regards to why my nephew eats everything with ranch it is a flavour thing. He's managed to express this to us. We have been experimenting to try and figure out why that flavour is ok but most other flavours aren't but there hasn't been a lot of success yet.

4. A lot of people who are saying I'm an asshole are saying that I'm being irrational about getting in trouble with these restaurants and maybe that's fair. Part of MY autism is that I'm extremely rule-breaking avoidant, like obviously some rules have to be broken in life-or-death situations.

But something like bringing ranch into a restaurant when I've been told no does not feel life or death and I'm at risk of struggling and having a meltdown myself if i sneak ranch into the restaurant after explicitly being told no. (one of the few things I still really struggle with).

Not to mention some of these restaurants for me personally are safe spaces where I know I can eat most of the menu and it doesn't trigger me in any way so I feel like I'd be putting that at risk.

I am going to talk with my cousin with my nephew on the phone and see if we can all come up with something together, the suggestion about letting him eat before and then just get a drink at the restaurant might work, and one of the restaurants is next to a gelato place that I know he can poor ranch over without them caring.

Also, this isn't some discrete amount of ranch, if he can see the food it's not enough ranch. if it was a discrete amount I might be more comfortable.