Someecards Logo
ADVERTISING
Woman refuses to help brother and pregnant SIL; 'Not after you stigmatized my BF's personality disorder.' AITA? UPDATED 5X

Woman refuses to help brother and pregnant SIL; 'Not after you stigmatized my BF's personality disorder.' AITA? UPDATED 5X

ADVERTISING

When this woman is horrified by her SIL's reaction to her BF's personality, she asks the internet:

"AITA for refusing to help my brother and his pregnant wife after what my SIL said about my BF?"

I (21f) have a boyfriend (22m) of 3 years who have ASPD. My SIL who is 5 months pregnant is scared of him and wanted me to end my relationship.

After her pestering me for days and me trying to reassure her that I have a support system and my boyfriend will be completely cut off from her child she still wouldn't stop texting me everyday to breakup , me and my boyfriend decided to 'fake breakup' until the baby is born.

Today I was running an errand for my brother and his wife, SIL ask me if I'm still seeing my boyfriend to which I answered no. She told me I make the right decision and said that she can finally have a peaceful sleep.

She keep talking about how her stress level have been going up because of my affair and she's glad she won't have to raise a kid in the presence of my boyfriend.

This is where I might be the asshole— SIL ask me if I will move in with them, I answer with a simple no and when she said she haven't stated the reason for her request and ask me to listen her out I told her "I don't really care about your reason, I won't move in with you" and walk out of the house.

She texted me, saying it's unfair and cruel of me to be upset at her for trying to do what's best for everyone, she wanted me to stay with them so she can keep an eye on me and that I put her under lots of stress which is bad for pregnancy.

I feel like the AH but also thinks she's pushing me too much. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

My brother have a talk with my SIL and she have called me to apologize for her behavior, I came clean about the fake breakup, she says it's wrong of her to assume the worst in my bf...

my brother ask her what would she do if their child was unfortunate enough to have the same diagnosis and that change her perspective (her words) but she have her concern still and think it's best for my bf to keep his distance until further notice.

And she will be speaking to her doctor about her anxiety and stress, she also offered to apologize to my boyfriend but my boyfriend says he doesn't care about some pretty words and tell her to manage her own health(both mental and physical).

Thanks everyone for your concern and advice. And to all those that made unnecessarily rude comments about my boyfriend and our relationship, learn some empathy.

And now, some top comments from readers:

finaly writes:

"Not to say you're wrong but my boyfriend doesn't try to push my family away, when I tell him about my SIL's concern, he said unless I want to cut her off I can lie to her for the time being.

Me and my boyfriend doesn't live together and I am not too close to my SIL so it's not that hard to keep my relationship a secret.

About our relationship, I am willing to stay in the relationship as long as all my needs are met, and we're only in our early 20s nothing is for sure. I am aware things might take a dark turn and I am fully prepared to leave the relationship if I have to."

acceptable7 writes:

NTA- why is your brothers wife trying to parent you? Her behavior is inappropriate. You are not "stressing her", her inappropriate obsesion with your love life is causing her stress.

Why would she want you to move in to her home if you cause her stress? Is it so she can blame you (and the stress she is pretending you cause) if she has another miscarriage or because she plans on "watching over you" by having you provided free babysitting/house chours?

Don't humour controlling in-laws, don't "fake" break up to coddle someone who is inappropriately trying to control you.

Your SIL is way overstepping resonable boundaries and seems to believe she has a right to treat you as not just a child, but as her child.

It maybe best to ask your actual parents to tell her how offensive and inappropriate her efforts to parent you are and point out that she has already been asked to stop, and that her continued efforts to meddle in your love life or housing choices are a consent violation and harrasment.

polaaa writes:

NTA but you need to make a big change in how you deal with your brother and SIL. First, it's pretty clear she wanted you to move in to help with the baby, not to "keep an eye on you."

Second, ASPD is not a danger to anyone, most mental health issues are only a "danger" if they are severe and untreated, and I'm assuming your boyfriend, since he has a diagnosis and is in a relationship with you, that his is very manageable. So your SIL is scared of him in theory, which is not cool.

Third, you need to be honest that you are still with your boyfriend, and have a plan to deal with your family. Your boyfriend deserves to be treated like a full human being, and hiding your relationship is unfair.

Finally, your SIL cannot blame any stress she creates herself on you, and it is basically just a lie that any stress related to this impacts her pregnancy. So time to rip the band aid off.

Decide if you want to tell your parents or other friends/relatives first that you and your boyfriend are back together. It might be good to get support and be very clear with other people, before telling your SIL.

Be very clear that you and your boyfriend are happy together, he is aware and in charge of his diagnosis, you have no problems, this is your decision and it isn't up for discussion.

Tell SIL and your brother. Be very clear- you are an adult, your boyfriend makes you happy, they can decide if they want you/him in their lives, but they get zero input on your relationship.

They can set their own boundaries, like not wanting him around, but you will create your own boundaries based on what they say- aka if they don't want him at Christmas, you probably won't come either.

Biggest thing: Do not engage in further discussion about this. Seriously, do not answer text messages, walk away fully from conversations, if SIL knocks at your door, do not answer.

Make it very clear that this just isn't a topic that you are interested in, and stick with that. There is zero reason for this to be something that can be debated. You have been with your boyfriend for 3 years without issue, so there is no "concern" or things that need to be discussed.

SIL can either accept the relationship and be around you, or decide she is too scared to be around you, the end.

civid3 writes:

NTA Your SIL should mind her own business. You should stand up to her and say you are an adult, you will date anyone you want, and she doesn’t get veto power over your love life.

What’s more, her wanting you to move in with her so she can police you and most likely use you as an unpaid nanny and maid of all work is very entitled and obnoxious.

There are many sociopaths among us. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that about 3-5% of the population meets criteria for this diagnosis.

They have a much higher rate of criminal convictions, job difficulties and marital problems than other groups, so your SIL isn’t wrong to be concerned, but in the end, it’s your life and your choice who to partner with. There also a surprising number of sociopaths who are CEOs, a recent study reported.

Don’t move in with your brother and SIL! You sound like you’ve thought this through, your bf is getting therapy and you don’t report any concerning behavior, so I hope things continue to work out for you. Regarding how to deal with your SIL, I suggest just thanking her for her concern and declining to discuss the topic further.

A comment from OP:

My brother have a talk with my SIL and she have called me to apologize for her behavior, I came clean about the fake breakup, she says it's wrong of her to assume the worst in my bf...

my brother ask her what would she do if their child was unfortunate enough to have the same diagnosis and that change her perspective (her words) but she have her concern still and think it's best for my bf to keep his distance until further notice.

And she will be speaking to her doctor about her anxiety and stress, she also offered to apologize to my boyfriend but my boyfriend says he doesn't care about some pretty words and tell her to manage her own health(both mental and physical).

Thanks everyone for your concern and advice. And to all those that made unnecessarily rude comments about my boyfriend and our relationship, learn some empathy.

And now, OP's first official update:

"She's stigmatizing ASPD. I know my boyfriend better than my SIL. I am not denying that he is capable of doing great harm but I have a great understanding of his motive and priorities, committing crimes is of no benefit for him. He is from a loving home, he get the help and support he needs even before he was diagnosed.

No, I am encouraged to be patient but I should never accept it as normal behavior. The tricky part is that it can't be said for sure if his actions are the product of his disorder, let's say he lie about something I can't just said it's because of his disorder, normal people lie as well.

Unlike everyone here I don't think she wants me to be a free babysitter. Where I live it's not uncommon for relatives to help out during pregnancy and she already have a live in maid/nanny, also I'm pretty sure her sister will move if they end up not liking the maid/nanny.

I believe she is concerned about my BF's disorder and if you add that with prenatal anxiety, it's not too surprising for her to stress over it.

I don't think it's only a stereotype, after all stereotypes aren't made out of thin air and I am not asking anyone to accommodate my bf. ASPD is a spectrum, not everyone with ASPD is a criminal and to treat them as such is dehumanizing.

Given the history and record of people with ASPD I'd say it's understandable if you don't feel secure/safe with them but treating them like the devil when they didn't even do any harm, especially if they're actively getting help/treatment is just sad and unsympathetic.

Update 2:

She completely believed that everyone with ASPD are master manipulator and they will eventually committed major crime.

2 weeks ago my parents hosted a family dinner/get together and they invited their children and their spouse (me, my bf, my elder brother, his wife and my little brother) and while we're chatting the topic shifted to mental health, my bf made a comment about having a PD my SIL keep asking him to disclose the specific disorder. I freaked, and said stop harassing him.

My parents are aware that my bf have a complex PD but don't know the exact diagnosis. My family and my boyfriend met quite a few times but there's never been any incident. My SIL unfortunately have a miscarriage during her teen pregnancy before she and my brother are together, I think that's where the sensitivity is from.

[before SIL met him] she told me I found a good match for myself.

The night before we made the decision to fake our breakup, I have an encounter with my SIL at a store, as usual she ask me to break up with my bf and said some nasty stereotypes about people with ASPD and I know it's stupid of me but I have an outburst and told her off, making her cry.

I apologize and send her home but her friends and relatives texted me and said I'm stressing out a pregnant women who only wanted to keep me safe.

I understand her concern and I was scared something might happen to her pregnancy again if she's too stressed out so to keep her at ease I decided to deceive her until she deliver the baby.

Update 3:

On my BF's relationship to emotions. He doesn't think of them as challenge just as an annoyance. He's quite apathetic and I'm also not the emotional type. When we started dating we decided to make it last and goes to couple counseling.

He have been in family therapy and individual therapy since he was a child. He knows how to keep himself in check. I would say our relationship is mostly based on logical reasoning. And we both knows what we want from each other..

Update 4:

In my original post I edited an update about how I have a talk with my SIL and she apologized for her actions. She also decided to see a therapist.

As most of the comments suggested I talk to my brother and parents about SIL's behavior. It have been a week and we are all doing mostly good, my SIL have her first therapy session, she finds it nerve wrecking but believes it'll be effective.

She tells me that she would randomly think about my boyfriend's diagnosis and get all anxious and whenever she caught herself getting anxious over this she played Tavern music and draw a medieval town (i don't know the exact term) which seems to work really well to soothe her. She also gets a better sleep and the baby is healthy.

I have read all the comments in my original post though I disagree with some of the comments about my SIL, I agree that I was at fault for not setting boundaries and lying to her about my relationship. I am truly grateful for all the advices and it was such a great insight and motivation to read about people who are in a similar situation as me and my BF

I also apologize to my BF for disrespecting our relationship. We both agree that we should no longer disclose his diagnosis to anyone, unfortunately we have to change our couple therapist and it's hard finding a new one. Apart from that things are going well and last Friday I formally met his family for the first time, which goes beyond my expectation.

Update 5:

My BF's family started see therapist since he was 4, it was their therapist who suspected my BF might be ND(specifically having ADHD or Autism) by the time he was 7/8. He started seeing a child psychologist when we was 11, got diagnosed with ASPD at 18.

He killed toads and rats by smashing their heads with rocks and then cut up their bodies, this started when he was 10 and last about a year. He said it's because of curiosity. He wasn't getting high off killing them but he also don't feel guilty about it. (he just doesn't give af) He once tried cutting himself around this time but can't stand the pain and stopped.

From age 13-16 he got into quite a few troubles— lying to authorities, driving without license/not obeying traffic rules, locking up his bully in his school lab room, steal from the lab room, substance abuse. (Got these info from his parents, his diagnosis papers and directly from him.)

I am in a relationship with him because I like him and think we're compatible. I could write an essay about why I want someone with ASPD as a boyfriend but who would want to read that. I'll just highlight some points. Unlike most men I know my BF is not homophobic

He's agnostic like me(totally not the norm where we live. Coming out as an Atheist is social suicide. They hate it more than Homosexuality. He is child free. He is completely ok with me having life outside of our relationship.

Obviously I like him because of others reason too like his physical features, his independence, his healthy home life, he works hard and gives me both the physical and emotional care I wanted.

One thing I really like about him is when he give me heads up for when he'd be unavailable. If he is occupied by something and won't have time to take my call or reply to text he'd text me and say "I have to do this or that I won't be available for this amount of hours". I know it's silly but I really appreciate it.

In conclusion I am willing to take the risk and make an effort to stay in a relationship with him because I believe we are helping each other grow as a person and fill each other's void.

Sources: Reddit
© Copyright 2024 Someecards, Inc

ADVERTISING
Featured Content