Woman refuses to help 'nightmare' stepdad financially after mother's death, 'I'm well off.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to help my stepdad financially after my mom passed, even though I'm well off?"
So I (34F) lost my mom about a year ago. She had cancer and watching her go through that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. I loved her more than anything, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact she’s gone. The grief has been unreal.
Growing up, it was just me and her until I was 13 when she married my stepdad, Frank. From the start, Frank made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with me. He wasn’t outright abusive, but the man made my life hell in other ways. He treated me like I was an unwanted guest in my own home.
He didn’t want to hear me, see me, or be bothered by me in any way. He never spoke to me unless it was to give me orders. Once I hit 14, he pretty much turned me into the household maid. I had to clean everything, do all the cooking, take care of the yard, run errands, you name it.
He'd sit in his chair, watch TV, and treat me like his own personal servant. If I didn’t do things fast enough or to his liking, he'd criticize me, say things like, "You’re so useless, no wonder your dad left." (Yeah, real nice, right?)
My mom always defended him, saying he "worked hard" and was just "tired." I loved her, but I’ll never understand why she let him treat me like that. I moved out the second I turned 18 and barely looked back. Over the years, I’ve had next to no relationship with Frank. I only ever saw him because of my mom.
Fast forward to a year ago when my mom passed, and now Frank’s in serious financial trouble. Apparently, he didn’t plan, and they were barely scraping by.
Now he’s blowing up my phone, saying that since I’m doing well (I work in marketing and have done pretty well for myself), I should help him out with bills. He keeps talking about how I’m “family” and my mom would want me to take care of him.
Here’s where I might be TA. I flat out told him no. I don’t feel like I owe him anything. He made my life a nightmare, and he’s only talking to me now because he wants something. I was nothing but an inconvenience to him growing up, and now he suddenly expects me to be the dutiful daughter and bail him out? I don’t think so.
But now he’s calling me selfish and saying I’m dishonoring my mom’s memory by abandoning him like this. I feel like he’s trying to manipulate me, but then again, maybe I’m being too cold-hearted. He was married to my mom for 20 years, and I know she loved him.
She would probably want me to help him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I think about giving him money, I get this anger inside me thinking about how he treated me when I was a kid. So, AITA for refusing to help out my stepdad financially even though I can afford to? Or am I being justified in cutting him off after everything he put me through?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Fascinating_Mary said:
NTA. You are not obligated to help someone who mistreated you, even if they were married to your mom.
rthrouw1234 said:
NTA. You would be the ahole if you gave him a single cent. He doesn't deserve it.
Comfortablybtchylol said:
NTA step parents are outside your filial responsibilty, especially abusive ones.
PatentlyRidiculous said:
NTA. He’s using you.
roxywalker said:
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Frank was your moms decision, not yours. His life choices aren’t yours to bare but if you need further affirmation just look at the situation from the opposite perspective. With your mom gone, would Frank take care of you if you were down on your luck? Think long and hard and that is your answer to your problem.
whatsmypassword73 said:
NTA, does he have any organizations he absolutely hates? Maybe donate to a couple of them in his name before blocking him on everything.