Woman REFUSES to go to in-laws for Christmas after they 'financially abuse' her fiancé. AITA?

"AITA for refusing to go to my in-laws for Christmas after they withheld tens of thousands from my fiance?"

For context, 5 years ago, my (30F) fiancé Frank (29M) bought his family home along with his mother, Sharon (50sF) and sister Millie (29F).

Her husband, Glenn (early 60sM, Frank and Millie’s step-dad) apparently had a ‘bad credit score’ so couldn't be involved, and Frank was told at the time that by putting him on the mortgage he would build up good credit and he would be given his 1/3 share when he needed to buy a house in the future.

Skip to 1 month ago, and after house hunting, we found our perfect family home within our budget. Frank called Sharon, Millie, and Frank to share the good news and ask for a way to get his share out and name off the mortgage.

On hearing that Frank wanted to take out his share of the money on the phone, Millie immediately began berating Frank, calling him selfish, “not thinking of her future”, and greedy for wanting his share of the house.

Sharon and Glenn backed up Millie saying that since all 3 needed to agree to any legal changes then the issue was settled, and Frank would have to accept he’d get nothing. Frank was confused, and the excuses kept coming.

Sharon was too close to retirement to pay out Frank (not true, she had another 10 years), Glenn has a share so it’s ¼ not a 1/3 (again not true and confirmed by a solicitor - Glenn was never on the mortgage), it would be unfair to tie Millie to the house with a re-mortgage (but it is fair to screw your son out of $55,000?).

Frank was so quiet by the end of the call that he had to hang up before he started crying. I was livid. Frank had been paying his share of the mortgage no issue over 5 years –including the year he was living with me rent-free.

Later, they agreed to take Frank’s name off the mortgage with a final offer of $20,000 - Sharon said that he “could have the rest when I die”.

Frank took the offer to keep the peace, but they’ve continued to shame Frank saying that he needs to work on rebuilding Millie’s trust as his actions ‘hurt Millie’ and when I responded to a request Sharon made politely but not friendly (think workplace email rather than family chat)

Sharon asked Frank if I “was being funny with her” and if so, why. The absolute audacity of this woman to think I'd be friendly with her after she belittled and shamed my future husband!

This was the last straw. After seeing my in-laws bully my fiancé, I decided to go low-contact with them until our wedding. I have told Frank that, unless Sharon, Millie, and Glenn, apologise to him and acknowledge they were wrong for how they handled the situation (they’re convinced they owe my fiancé nothing and that he’s in the wrong for asking for his share)...

then I don’t want to visit them for Christmas. I’ve told him I’m happy to drop him off and pick him up from theirs, but my fiancé says that I’m the asshole for not letting this go and for potentially make things awkward for him and his family over Christmas. So... AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

garetp writes:

Okay, keep it out of the courts - and bring in the extended family. I NEVER say disinvite family from weddings because its so destructive to long term family relationships but this is 1 situation where it is entirely reasonable. This is when you disinvite and do not relent. When the flying monkeys come at your fiance respond with:

"X years ago my mother, Sis and Frank decided to engage in a long con. My Mom was not in any position to purchase a house, Frank had terrible credit so was ineligible and my sister didn't have the cash so I agreed to assist with the purchase of the house paying

1/3 of the mortgage payment with the understanding I'd receive 1/3 of the value of he house and my name off the mortgage when I was ready to purchase a home of my own.

To date I have contributed X in mortgage payments over X years. When I approached my mother, frank and my sister about this they not only renigged on the agreement but began trying to guilt me into giving up my portion of the equity. The house is worth X, so my portion should be X.

Instead, they have had long tantrums over how greedy and selfish I am for needing my money back(the original agreement) and are now saying I am only entitled to 1/4 of the equity. I have ALWAYS paid my 1/3 of the mortgage.

After guilt trips, months of the cold shoulder and basically my Mom, Frank and Sis berating us and becoming disgustingly selfish people I agreed to walk away with only $20K and my name off the mortgage.

They have continued the insults and greed, insulting me over and over for wanting to execute our agreement. Know that this has dramatically impacted MY plans to purchase a house with my fiancee because the money I put up to help Mom was supposed to be an investment I could cash in when ready - never a cash gift.

My Mom's audacity has extended to her treatment of my fiancee and I am now 100% completely done. There is no excuse for fraud. There is no excuse for financial abuse and there is no excuse for mistreating the people you say you love. At this point I refuse to tolerate my mother's behavior anymore.

She is out of my life as is my sister at this point. And, this will absolutely extend to future Grandkids because if she could treat her own son this way - cheating, engaging in fraud and financial abuse and spewing hate, I refuse to be or allow the people I love around her."

Any flying monkeys will immediately back off. He needs to 100% be on board to carry this out but yes - you guys should not spend holidays, your wedding or ANY time with these people. Spend time with people who actually love and care for you.

auntanne writes:

YTA. What's more important, being right or respecting your fiancé's feelings? You may not be feeling warm and fuzzy over this, but your fiancé doesn't want this financial matter to cause a break between he and his family.

You are forcing him to choose between you. You absolutely have the right to feel chilly towards them, but he is asking for his sake to let this go. The only person you are hurting at this point is your fiancé.

aghau writes:

YTA. To be clear, only in the skipping Christmas thing. Your partner has let you know that he wants to end things and keep the peace. They are clearly in the wrong, but you should respect your husband's wishes in this, as he still wants a relationship with his family.

You can try and convince your husband that he should try and start a family discussion that perhaps involves an impartial mediator, and involves him explaining both his thoughts and feelings.

I do understand that you are trying to stand up for your husband and are furious at their treatment of him.feel free to go LC yourself, but sometimes you have to deal with your partners family bs. It sucks, but it goes hand in hand with the joining of families.

i hope this can be resolved, but i hope you also understand that you should respect your husbands desire to keep peace and let him (and you) have relationship with his family, despite their actions.

wizzoba writes:

NTA. But there’s a bigger problem here … your fiancé’s family just cheated him out of 10s of thousands, made HIM look like the bad guy and had the absolute audacity to demand an apology. Yikes.

AND after all this abuse, your fiancé doesn’t want to cut them off AND wants you to come and play “happy family” at Christmas…

Your fiancé is deeply enmeshed in this abusive relationship. His lack of ability to call them out, stand up to them, or implement consequences is concerning.

I recommend you don’t combine your finances or your life with this man until he can get some therapy and makes some steps towards breaking away from his nightmare family. Christmas shouldn’t even be a question after their thievery, so why is he going ??? Never mind your presence, he shouldn’t even be considering going.

You obviously love and care for him, but he would rather make you uncomfortable than stand up to his family over a holiday meal and that’s just wrong.

swetgoner7 writes:

OP needs to rethink this whole relationship. Her partner lived with her rent free while using his great credit and paying for the deadbeat stepdaddy and his mom to purchase a better home, to live in that better home the last five years, and to circumvent his stepdaddy’s crap credit.

I haven’t a clue where his sister lived during this time but she too continued to pay 1/3 of Mommy and Stepdaddy’s mortgage for FIVE YEARS!

OP, imagine your life in 5, 10, 20 years with children and this partner of yours continues to be enmeshed financially with this selfish no boundaries family.

OP, your money will their money. Your children will go without because his mother and stepfather will be needy giant sucking drains. They are such poor planners they couldn’t even finance their own home without using and tanking and draining their adult children’s own future.

Your partner sees nothing wrong with losing $35,000. He’d rather cuddle with the family on Christmas morning. Whether you go or don’t go isn’t the problem here.

The problem OP is you have your loving head in the sand about who he is.

He is not going to change. He is not thinking of a future with you and your future children. He’s a people pleasing dude who will roll over for them again and again. Stay with him at your own financial risk. Do not combine financials. Stop supporting him. THINK!

He was willing to keep giving to them while stupidly trusting them and he still wants a relationship with them.

Do you want to alliance with a guy like the world class footballer who ends up bankrupt at 40 because he can’t say no to paying mobile phone bills for 27 relatives, buys houses for his siblings, pays school fees for his relatives...

pays his cousin an outrageous salary to lay about and run a few errands a week, his brothers are partying on his dime in Miami, and his accountant says you have no money for taxes, your own wife, your own children, your own future? Open your eyes, OP.

poochwooch writes:

NTA frank is suffering from Stockholm syndrome, he doesn’t see that his family are completely screwing him and sadly he still wants to spend Christmas with them.

They are manipulating him to get him to do what they want. He needs to see the truth of this and get a solicitor involved, as someone had said there is a paper trail so he needs to follow this up and claim his share.

He could so easily turn this around the other way and demand that the house is sold so he can get his money out and then what would happen to the family? They would be stuffed along with their Christmas turkey!