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Woman refuses to let husband meet their first born child; 'Not after what you did.' AITA? UPDATED

Woman refuses to let husband meet their first born child; 'Not after what you did.' AITA? UPDATED


When this woman deprives her husband of their first born child, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not letting my husband meet our first-born child?"

My husband has this best friend, Anna. They've been friends for a long time and dated years ago, mutually deciding that its best for them to remain friends. I've had no problem with this relationship until now.

On the day that I gave birth, Anna's brother got into a car accident. My husband got a call from her in the middle of the night and asked him if he could drop her at the hospital her brother was at (an hour away from us) since she was too scared to drive. My husband agreed, told me quickly while I was half-asleep and rushed out.

A few hours later, I had contractions and called my husband. He didn't pick up after multiple tries so I gave up and called my Dad, who drove me to the local hospital (12 minutes away). I was so scared of giving birth alone since I've had about 3 miscarriages and 1 stillborn.

My husband promised me that no matter what, he'd be there for me. Guess what? He wasn't.

We called multiple times while I was in labor and when he finally picked up my Dad's call when I was giving birth, saying that he'd misplaced his phone in the chaos, my Dad informed him that no matter how fast he drives anymore, he's going to miss the birth of his child.

Well, my husband took that as "he's already screwed up, so it doesn't matter when he shows up at this point" so when he FINALLY came, our daughter was about 5 hours old and I'd already moved to the maternity ward.

When he came, I refused to let him see our baby (edit: did let husband hold and play with baby after discharge) because I was so high on emotions and was shaking when I saw him and didn't want it negatively affect my time with the baby. I wanted her birth to be a happy time and I was already struggling to feed her.

My husband was in a bad state and told me to please let him see her, so I told him to stand by the window and held the baby up so he could see her. I told him to then leave and he'll be allowed to interact with the baby at my father's home when we're both well and out of the hospital and that I was most likely divorcing him.

He starting bawling and apologizing and defended himself by saying that Anna's brother was in serious critical condition and although he's fine, Anna needed him. Though Anna's parents were there, she's not that close with them and she was in an unbearable state.

I told him that I didn't care and that his daughter has already come second to him and all she did was be born. I'm putting my daughter's and my health first and won't let her be sidelined.

My husband agreed and left. However, Anna called me later and said that I was being controlling and she'd never met someone as cruel as me for not letting a father see his baby. I told her that my husband made his decision and that this was his doing not mine.

But now, I can't help feel cruel in my actions and feel like I'm depriving my baby of both her parents being together. My husband sees her a few hours each day now. AITA?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

queenurelia writes:

NTA- Let's ignore the fact that he ran to her rescue in the middle of the night while you were that far along in your pregnancy. Any decent husband would make sure to have his phone on him 24/7 when not at home with a wife about to give birth.

As soon as he found out you were in labor, he should have rushed to be with you. He chose Anna over you and your daughter. He missed the most important moment in your lives to be there for her.

Then he called Anna to complain to her about you. I am not a jealous person, but there is no way I would tolerate his behavior and his obvious putting Anna before you.

I would seriously be considering divorce as well. Marriage counseling at a bare minimum. I would also be concerned about his feelings/relationship with Anna.

lmarble writes:

I’m gonna say NTA for the behavior at the birth and hospital. Honestly, you’re so mentally effed up right then I could see not wanting to see his face at that moment. You’re so vulnerable, and he just didn’t take the time to be there for you.

I would have let a nurse take her out to him maybe to be nice. You obviously couldn’t do that, and I don’t necessarily think having him in the same room was a good idea.

He chose Anna over you. That’s it, plain and simple. I honestly think a divorce isn’t the worst idea because I’m not sure this is something you can get past.

He didn’t think through his actions which I get because this was overnight. I draw the line at waiting 5 FREAKING HOURS to come to the hospital. That’s where he completely showed y’all are not a priority.

kiwicron writes:

NTA. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope you and baby are doing well, and that you are looking after your mental health as well as your physical health. Congratulations on your baby!

Husband going to help a friend in the middle of the night is acceptable. Not acceptable is not staying in contact with you, especially with you being so pregnant. (he could have text to keep you up to date etc, before you went into labour).

I would go as far as saying that, if it were me, I would never forgive my partner for not turning up by choice for several hours after giving birth. He did not prioritise you or your child, but prioritised his friend and her needs.

Anna needs to not get involved in your relationship, and I personally would have some very strong expletives for her.

Not the most rational reaction to not let him to see your newborn, but given that you just pushed, or had surgically removed, a new human out of your body, you probably weren't in your typical well tested, rational mindset.

I think you should have your husband read this thread, and see if that helps give him perspective on how scared, alone, humiliated, and unimportant you feel as a result of this situation.

I would certainly recommend seeking marriage counselling as this is something that, if you want to remain together, needs to be addressed.

Block Anna's number, and I honestly hope your husband does too, coz she's not a nice person.

blot writes:

Honestly i think ESH leaning towards YTA, death is a lot scarier than you make it out to seem, but of course he shouldve made you a higher priority. Different people handle things differently, but if i heard my dad missed my birth because a friend needed his support after an accident I wouldnt be mad or upset in the slightest,

I honestly wouldnt be upset if my dad missed the birth for anything as long as it wasnt simply bc he didnt want to be there.

While its a milestone, in the grand scheme of things id just rip him a new one and move on. But thats just my opinion, i have no idea what its like to be in your shoes. I just think that he came, so he shouldve been able to see his child.

jaaa writes:

NTA. And I came here prepared to tell you that whatever issue you had, remember pregnancy hormones could be making it seem worse but wow!

Anna didn’t need your husband’s support. She wanted it. Her parents were there (and presumably she has other friends) but she’s closer to your husband than her own family so she preferred him.

Your husband should have realized immediately he didn’t have his phone on him, turned on, whatever. Because he should have checked in with you when he arrived and saw what the situation was. He literally just didn’t think of you.

Once he was finally reached he didn’t rush out and try to be there as soon as he could. He stayed with another woman and gave up the first hours of his daughter’s life and his wife’s recovery. HE. CHOSE. TO. STAY. WITH. ANOTHER. WOMAN.

Knowing you had an issue with Anna, he chose to call (or see) her to complain about you. And apparently they both were so comfortable with what they did that she felt comfortable calling you to yell at you right after you gave birth alone.

I wouldn’t want this woman in my life. I wouldn’t be able to live with my husband if he was interacting with this woman.

Your husband, upon realizing he was going to miss the birth of his child, did not feel remorse and want to make it up to you. He didn’t feel devastated and rush to be there as soon as he could. He felt....meh...might as well hang out with ANOTHER WOMAN and her family.

He literally put you and your daughter second. I have absolutely no idea how I could ever look at him the same again. Maybe with time, therapy, changes you can. If so, I won’t judge you for saving your marriage.

But I will reassure you that this is not a one level of screw up that you should be able to just shake off. I’m so sorry your birth experience was so awful but I’m so glad you have a healthy baby!

traggg writes:

When my wife was pregnant, literally EVERYTHING and EVERYONE was so low on my damn list that I'm shocked bills were paid and I still had friends.

Before reading all the edits, I knew he was cheating. Not a thing on this earth can keep a man that loves his family, away from his family. I abandoned my entire life to move to a better city just to ensure that my now 14 month old daughter wouldn't grow up near where I did.

Also, my closest friends are all women and I wouldn't even consider doing what he did. Gender aside, I even told ny boss at the time to go f*** himself because he told me I had to work while my wife was in labor.

My coworkers shifted their schedules around to cover my absences. One of them actually ended up doing a double shift in a busy retail pharmacy. All of that because nothing mattered more than being there for my child's birth.

OP I'm so sorry you had to go through that and congratulations on your baby!

feasta writes:

Absolutely, 100%, undeniably NTA here. If my husband went to help a friend, that's one thing. But if I'm ready to pop any minute, he would for sure make sure he had his phone with him and was able to get back in time to take me to the hospital and see his child born.

Honestly once I hit 38 weeks my hubby stayed home with me (outside of work) because baby was breech and he wanted to make sure we could get to the hospital right away if I went into labor before our c section.

Considering your history (which I am so sorry about by the way) he should have made sure to be reachable on a moment's notice to come back and get you to the hospital.

Also, once he knew, it took him FIVE HOURS to come back. Regardless of the brothers condition, YOU AND THE BABY are #1. He should have been rushing to your side, full of apologies and dying to hold his child. He didnt. And what's worse - the brother was stable. Totally inexcusable.

He made his bed, he has to lie in it. Yes you may have withheld the baby for a short time, but he voluntarily did that to himself first. You and your child deserve to be #1. Clearly Anna is his #1 - I'd divorce him too.

Congratulations though, it's awesome your child is healthy and I hope you can still enjoy all the amazingness of new motherhood!

And now, OP's updates (which clears up a few things):

Anna’s brother was not in a life/death situation. He had serious injuries, but most were concentrated on his legs and arm. He did have a concussion but gained consciousness soon. Anna was there along with both her parents who managed all the hospital stuff. My husband was there as a emotional support for Anna.

I did let my husband see our baby, right after I got discharged (Edit: husband saw baby, husband held baby, husband played with baby).

I wanted a couple days of rest and bonding with the baby since my emotions were so high and I was afraid if my husband was a continuous presence, I’d get stressed and something bad would happen. I told him as such. They spend time together, but I’m still cold with him.

I may still be the asshole, I don’t know, but I’m still so mad at him and it’s not the first time he put Anna before me. I can forgive the other times since I could handle it but this time was the straw.

I was so scared to hold my baby because I was paranoid the minute I touch her, something would happen to her and no one was there to comfort me. I only had my dad but he wasn’t in the delivery room which is why i’m not too keen on forgiving my husband.

Also, we both knew the baby was due anytime now so I don’t understand why my husband didn’t have his phone on him. We even tried reaching out to Anna and she didn’t pick up either.

After he learned I was giving birth, they already knew that Anna’s brother was going to be alright. He spent that time making sure that Anna was okay and feeding her and then waiting for the brother to regain consciousness. He could’ve come back after seeing his daughter to talk with the brother. He would’ve made it back in time.

Edit: So many of you got it wrong. I’m not preventing him from EVER seeing his baby, that is stupid and unreasonable. He literally saw her about a day later when we were discharged and safely at my dads home.

He already didn’t see her for 5 hours on purpose and put Anna first, I didn’t think an additional day would make much of a difference. And it wasn’t to him, he was happy to see the baby and he spends time with her all the time. She’s two months now.

And also, I’m not mad about the fact he went to see Anna, I’m mad that he didn’t think we were a high priority to rush back to.

He left me so quickly in the middle of the night when I was already late, he couldn’t have left Anna in the care of her parents and rushed as soon as possible? She’s not a child and she doesn’t have any mental health issues either.

Edit 3: So sorry for all the edits! But someone just messaged me this: What if my baby was born a stillborn again? He had no way to know since he and I didn’t have ANY contact after I gave birth. Thank the stars, my baby is healthy and well but it was a possibility.

And now, Update 2:

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think that I was an asshole for using my child against him and should have told him that he could hold and then asked him to leave.

So the divorce is probably going to happen. My brother is looking at lawyers for me.

In the midst of this whole mess, this post made me realize I never checked on Anna’s brother to see how he’s healing because I was so irked by Anna. I called him and he said that he was doing well and will be out of his wheelchair soon.

He asked about me and the baby and how I was doing with the split and if I was okay with my husband and ... Anna.

I can’t believe I was so oblivious. I thought they had an emotional thing going on because of this and when I confronted my husband, he denied it and said me and our baby were his priority and he made a “mistake” and he was being dumb.

Yea no, Anna’s brother kindly informed me that he and Anna’s parents thought that my husband and I split when I was 7 months pregnant and that Anna and him were back on. He showed up at the hospital as Anna’s boyfriend which is why they didn’t bat an eye that he was there and not with his pregnant wife.

Because apparently we split. Her brothers procedures were done well before the afternoon so I don’t know that my husband and Anna were doing for all those hours, but I don’t even wanna know. If you want more details, I can answer in a comment.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I will be moving back home and filing for full custody. I don’t want my baby growing up to be like her father or Anna. He can be fun dad or whatever it is he wants to be.

Last edit: I think i’m going to be taking a break from reddit now because ranting on the internet doesn’t seem healthy. Thanks everyone for their support. I’ll take it from here.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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