'AITA for refusing to let my husband's BIL take a cut of his salary?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to let my husband's BIL take a cut of his salary?"

I'm a 36F, married to my husband (36M) for a year, and we have a 9-month-old baby. My husband is incredibly close to his sister (38F), to the point where they text every day, share pictures almost daily, and even discuss intimate details of her life with her husband (44M), which I find uncomfortable.

I've never had that kind of relationship with my own siblings, so I've tried to brush it off as just their dynamic, but deep down, it bothers me. I feel that it's unnecessary and frankly, gross to share such private details with a sibling.

From the beginning of our relationship, I noticed some issues with our family dynamics. For example, my husband would sometimes stay at his sister's house until 4 AM without even texting me. After I brought this up, to his credit, he stopped doing it and has become very focused on our family.

However, there are still times when his sister calls him to fix things around her house, which I think her own husband should handle first. My husband agreed, and we've set boundaries that have thankfully reduced these requests. I can't shake the feeling that she struggles to accept that her little brother is now married.

There have also been instances where she asks him to drive her places or spend time with her instead of her own husband. Again, I addressed this with my husband, and he's been firm about setting boundaries, so it's happening less frequently.

Now, here's where things get complicated. My husband got his previous job through his brother-in-law (his sister's husband), but for over a year, the company wasn’t paying well, leaving me as the sole provider for our family. Even after giving birth, I never stopped working.

To be fair, my husband has been very supportive, and we share the responsibilities of caring for our baby. Recently, my husband secured a new job, again with the help of his brother-in-law.

The salary is good, and it was a huge relief for me because our financial situation has been tight. Despite doing well at work, my income barely covers our expenses, and we often have no savings. I also cover all our luxury expenses, from alcohol to vacations.

However, now my husband’s brother-in-law is demanding a cut of his salary, even though my husband has already signed the job offer. He got upset and reminded my husband that he only got the job because of him.

It reached a point where he even accused me of doing something illegal because of a side business I run, which I have all the necessary permits for. I told my husband how upset I am about this, and it hurts me even more that he’s actually considering giving him the money.

I believe that if you’re grateful for someone’s help, you should show appreciation with a bottle of wine or a nice dinner—not by giving away a portion of your salary indefinitely.

I want my husband to stand up for himself, but he’s been very quiet about this, saying he doesn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with that side of the family. I told him that if he goes through with giving the money, he risks losing me instead.

I have screenshots of their conversation where his brother-in-law is scheming to get a portion of his pay. I told my husband that if he caves in and doesn’t stand up for himself, I will report everything to HR and the authorities, which could lead to serious legal consequences, including deportation for his brother-in-law. If that happens, my husband’s sister will be left with nowhere to turn. So, AITA?

Later, OP provided more information:

I forgot to mention that my SIL and BIL also have a child, whom I absolutely adore. I even babysat their little one for months when she was a newborn, while both SIL and BIL were working. Now that SIL lost her job, she’s taking care of their baby full-time, and they currently have a nanny.

My husband’s previous job was with BIL’s company. It was more of a contractual arrangement, so there were often periods when there was no work, and eventually, it went down to zero. During those times, I had to step in financially and became the sole provider, which wasn’t a big deal for me. I actually enjoy spoiling my husband with food, drinks, and staycations—those things are what we consider luxuries.

Regarding this new job, BIL only knows the manager. My husband went through the interview process himself and met all the requirements directly with the company. I want to clarify that I don’t believe my husband and SIL have an inappropriate relationship.

My husband shares everything with me, including SIL and BIL’s problems. I often see their text exchanges because he asks for my advice on what to respond, especially when SIL sends long, emotional messages. I usually tell him to advise her to stop whining, cut back on alcohol, and start focusing on work—but, of course, he never says it that bluntly because he doesn’t want to argue with her.

They grew up together through a lot of hardships, so I understand their close bond. When I mentioned her sharing sexual things, I meant it’s all on her side, and it’s usually just TMI about her frustrations with BIL. This happens almost every week, as BIL and SIL seem to fight frequently, and my husband ends up being her sounding board. I’m okay with that.

What I’m not okay with is when SIL sides with BIL after their fights and then suddenly says negative things about my husband without checking the facts. I’ve told my husband that she can’t treat him this way. If she’s going to side with her husband, she should be consistent, just as I always support my husband and address any issues privately.

Some commenters have asked why I married him if there were red flags. Honestly, what attracted me to him was his loving nature—his care for his sister and nephew, and his calm, laid-back personality. It complements my more expressive and emotional nature, so we balance each other out.

UPDATE:

Last night, my husband and I had a massive argument over this issue. It got to the point where he dared me to email HR, and I was actually going to do it, but then he backed down and begged me not to. I told him not to push me because I’m prepared to take action.

I explained to him, yet again, how messed up it is for BIL to expect a cut from his salary. My husband admitted that he just wants to work, and even if he gives money to BIL, what’s left for us will still be enough. While this may be true, it’s not about the money anymore.

We talked for hours, and it turns out BIL really dislikes me because he thinks I’m “controlling” my husband. For context, BIL and SIL’s relationship is very secretive—they don’t know each other’s salaries, they keep their finances separate, and they often want space from each other.

Meanwhile, my husband and I have the opposite dynamic. We make sure we know each other’s whereabouts and when we’ll be home. This wasn’t always the case, but my husband has made a great effort to keep me informed. One of my non-negotiables is drinking and driving, so if my husband goes out drinking, he takes an Uber.

Because of our baby and responsibilities (we don’t have any help), it’s rare for him to go out anyway. BIL, on the other hand, seems to want my husband to adopt his secretive ways, drink and drive, and just do as he pleases. By the way, this is BIL’s fourth marriage. LOL. Thankfully, my husband is normal and respects my boundaries.

Back to the update—after our huge fight, my husband asked what he should do to give me peace of mind. I told him it’s simple: text BIL and tell him you’re not giving him anything, and that this BS is causing stress in our marriage. And guess what? He did. :) He also mentioned that if BIL doesn’t want him working at the company anymore, they can find someone else to replace him.

I’m not sure how BIL will inform the company that my husband won’t be working there anymore, or what excuse he’ll give, because like I said, this is a direct hire, and only my husband can retract his contract, which I’ve told him not to do. Let BIL handle it and see what happens. If HR contacts my husband, we’ll just explain what really went down.

We haven’t heard from BIL yet. My husband thinks they’re waiting to respond when they assume I’m not around. They think I’m working today, but surprise—I’m working from home. We’ll see how it goes.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

NameSeeker3000 said:

The BIL is TA! How dare he demand money from him?! I mean a small gift like a thank you would be appropriate but what we are talking about here is basically extortion. Does your husband's sister know about this? I can’t imagine her loving/knowing that side of her husband.

GirthinessMusings18 said:

NTA - but bear in mind that your husband's brother in law and his supporters would not feel that way. You're a keeper. You look after hubby's interests and are his rock against a cold, uncaring world.

isabelle_butterfl said:

NTA. Your husband's job and the income from it are his own, and it's unreasonable for his brother-in-law to demand a cut simply because he helped get the job. It's important to appreciate help, but there are boundaries to that gratitude that don't include ongoing financial obligations.

You’re right to encourage your husband to stand up for himself. Protecting your family's financial stability and setting clear boundaries with relatives is crucial. It sounds like you're in a tough spot, but sticking to your principles is the right move.

Tanja_Christine said:

NTA. This is insane. Does he do this to other people too? Is this a pyramid scheme? Is the BIL part of the mob? What he is asking for is protection money: "If you don't give me part of your income I will make your life hell."

checkoutmywheeeppit said:

Get one of those sequin pillows that you rub one way to see the other side of the sequin that's another color. This way the cushion can have to patterns. Give it him one that says "You're getting f all" then when he rubs the cushion the other message comes up that says "You're still getting f all." NTA."

Historical_Job5480 said:

NTA, but your relationship is circling the drain. I see you have screenshots of texts from BIL. I would report this proposition and position dangling regardless of what your husband does and prepare for divorce.

Trailsya said:

NTA. And your husband is a weakling. Be careful you don't get into debt because of his idiotic behavior and don't be having any more kids until things are stable (or you leave).