Woman refuses to give mother-in-law any special news about pregnancy, 'I'm VERY mad.' AITA?

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"AITA for telling my fiancé I will not be giving his mother any special news about my pregnancy?"

I (30f) and fiancé (31m calling him M) are expecting our first. We decided together that we wanted to wait to tell people until September then out baby will hopefully be 4 months. I've had a miscarriage before very early on so this is something we both wanted to do. So we haven't told a single person yet.

His sister passed away recently after a long battle with cancer. He flew to another country to be with his family during that time. (I couldn't go. Work wouldn't give me the time off as it wasn't immediate family).

After a drunken night, he let it slipped to his BIL (the widow I'll call him C). C then proceeded to convince M that this will be great news to tell the family after the loss they just experienced. I was very against it.

I was of the opinion that it wasn't an appropriate time. The family was still grieving heavily and it's still very early in the pregnancy and after the first loss, I'm still scared to tell people...especially the grandparents.

M then proceeded to ignore me, listen to C and tell them. M promises me that he explained to his parents that this has to stay between them. That they can let people know after we announced it.

I'm very mad. I get that he wanted to tell his parents about it. And if he approached me differently, I would've said yes. But telling them behind my back while I said I was uncomfortable with the timing. And not discussing it further made me furious.

Now M's mother is pestering me about questions and baby related stuff. I simply told her I will let her know all the details as soon as I let other people know about the baby as well. He's mad at me that I said I'm going to do that. He said I'm an ahole for withholding information from his mother.

And I said his mother has no right to know any of the stuff anyway. I can choose what I share and with who. And frankly I told him to tell his mom that I'm not going to share anything until I'm ready.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

FairyGothMommy said:

You are NTA but you have a huge husband problem.

atleastnottoday87 said:

NTA and please reconsider getting married. Next thing you know they'll try naming your child after the sister or put pressure on the child to be a replacement in general. Fiancé will obviously not be of any help setting boundaries.

keinebedeutung said:

Girl, you’re the one feeding this life with the flesh of your own body, you have a right to reasonable boundaries. End of story. I hope your pregnancy goes well and NTA.

Inevitable-Act-1319 said:

NTA but husband should not have spilled the beans. He can't unring that bell but he can support you now and tell his mom that you'll share the information when you're ready and buzz off.

APithyparty said:

NTA. No one is entitled to your medical file, regardless of their family title. You don't need to share information with literally anyone before you are ready, and your fiance shouldn't be bullying you into that. (And at this early stage, what does his mother even want to know? It's not like the kid is in there studying for the LSAT.)

I would maybe excuse your fiance for letting slip the information under the circumstances - grief and alcohol are a terrible mix and he was dealing with a lot of emotional upheaval at the time. Totally understand that you are disappointed that he did not stick to your pre-agreed plan, but considering the circumstances, I might give him a bit of grace there.

Him continuing to insist his mother needs to be in the know is a different situation entirely. I don't know if it's a cultural difference at play or if he is just incapable of standing up to his parents, but this is a peek at what your future holds if he doesn't remember that the two of you are meant to be on the same team.

If he is overwriting your wishes to placate his mother now, think ahead a few years. Fortunately, it sounds like you have distance between you and his family, but is that forever?

This child isn't replacing the one that she lost. (I actually think it's a little weird and creepy that announcing the new baby post funeral was thought of as a great idea?) Your autonomy trumps her wishes and your husband needs to be the enforcer of that. He needs to get back on the same page with you, quickly.

TeddyBear181 said:

NTA, you clearly don't feel comfortable discussing it yet. Your partner needed to respect your agreement. He messed up and he needs to fix it now so that everyone is happy. If his mum wants to discuss it, he can discuss it with her. Not your job.