Woman refuses to move in with boyfriend because of his 12-year-old daughter. AITA?

"AITA for refusing to move in with my boyfriend because his daughter doesn’t like me?"

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for a little over 2 years. He’s amazing in so many ways. Kind, supportive, and we’ve seriously talked about marriage and building a future together.

He has two kids from his previous relationship, a 9-year-old son and a 12-year-old daughter. His son and I actually get along really well. He’s sweet and playful and seems happy to have me around.

But his daughter…not so much. She’s never outright disrespectful, but it’s been clear from day one that she doesn’t like me. She avoids me during visits, refuses to engage in conversation giving one-word answers, and will flat out leave the room if I sit down to watch a movie or join a family activity.

I’ve tried to be patient because I understand that I’m the "new person" and that kids can struggle with these situations, especially when it comes to loyalty to their mom. I’ve really done my best. I’ve never forced her to bond with me, I always give her space...

And I’ve tried inviting her to do things like going out for ice cream, shopping, or little crafts, all of which she’s declined or just sat through awkwardly. I even backed off when her dad suggested family trips, because I didn’t want to push and make things worse.

Now here’s the issue: my boyfriend recently asked me to move in with him and the kids. He framed it as a natural next step in our relationship and said it would help "blend" the family. But I said no.

I told him, gently but honestly, I don’t feel comfortable moving into a home where one of the kids clearly doesn’t want me there. I said I think it would only create more tension and resentment, especially if his daughter feels like I’m suddenly invading her space full-time.

He did not take that well and told me I’m letting a child dictate our future and that if I "truly loved him" I would be willing to make this work and not run away at the first challenge. He said his daughter just needs more time and that living together would help her get used to me faster.

Even some of my friends are saying I might be overthinking this, that kids "always warm up eventually," and that I’m being too cautious. But in my gut, I feel like moving in now, when things are already strained, would just make everything worse, not better. I don’t want to end up being resented in my own home.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

fkyouiloveu said:

NTA - thank you for not letting him disregard his daughter's feelings to play pretend happy family and also, for not forcing yourself on her, have you tried talking to her?

lilyjam21 said:

Interesting dilemma. NTA. It's weird you seem to care more about his daughter's feelings and the tension in the house than he does. Whenever a man is this eager to move a woman in, I question what labor he intends to extract from her.

Is he looking for a caretaker for his kids, one of which doesn't care for you? I think you're making the right move by saying no. His reaction to you saying no feels like a red flag, too.

I think you should have a sit down chat with the 12yo and ask why she doesn't like you. Be open and honest and clear. Maybe even tease that you've been invited to move in. See how she really feels.

But even with the chat, your boyfriend is really giving off some bad energy. If I were you, I'd evaluate the relationship and if it should move forward. It's not ideal to be with a man that doesn't care about the emotional state of the ladies in his life.

seh_23 said:

NTA. But your boyfriend is being one to you and his daughter. What has your boyfriend, her dad, done to help with the situation? You clearly have been putting a lot of effort in, even if that effort is stepping back. Has he done anything? You can’t tell a 12 year old to “suck it up."

Everydayy_comet said:

NTA. Think of your own mental health though. Like you live in a home without all that hell. So going into that situation could stress you out a lot. Forcing the relationship with the 12 year old is not the move and she’d probably like you a lot more if she knew you weren’t down with that.

I do think you should make more of an effort though. For example: maybe find a mutual interest like Harry Potter and try to engage. Teenage years are hard and she’s clearly going through angst.

TallMobile7399 said:

NTA. He’s turning a topic that has to be solved by him with his daughter in a problem with you. You’re not the one letting a child dictate your life, he is the one not solving the problem his child has.

Which might be valid, the daughter is also not TA, she is a kid and needs her father for support and understanding. That’s a he problem and you’ve been understanding and patience.

cassowary32 said:

NTA. He sounds like the kind of guy that is fine with his children and partner being miserable as long as he's getting laid/has a free nanny. If he cared about his daughter's wellbeing, this relationship would have been called off months ago. Or an attempt at family therapy would have been made.