Woman refuses to be sister's Maid of Honor, 'she skipped my wedding because her dog died.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my sister I won't be her maid of honor because she didn't come to my wedding due to her dog dying?"
So I (28F) got married last year. It was a small but beautiful ceremony with our closest family and friends. My older sister (32F) and I have always had a complicated relationship, we’re close, but she’s also extremely emotional and kind of dramatic. She was supposed to be my maid of honor.
Two days before my wedding, her 14 year old dog passed away unexpectedly. I was obviously sympathetic, but she called me sobbing, saying she couldn’t emotionally handle coming to the wedding because she was too devastated. I tried to talk her down, even offered to have someone bring her home early if it was too much, but she refused and didn’t show up.
It hurt. A lot. She missed one of the biggest days of my life, and I had no maid of honor. We didn’t talk much after that. A few months ago, she got engaged and just last week asked me to be her maid of honor.
I told her I couldn’t. I said I still felt hurt she missed my wedding, and while I love her, I just couldn’t pretend like everything was fine. She got extremely upset, said I was being cold and petty, and that her dog was like her child.
Our parents are pressuring me to just be the bigger person. I honestly don’t know anymore. AITA for saying no?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
Youwhooo60 said:
If you're doing this out of spite, then YTA. If you are sincerely declining because you don't want to uphold all the duties & obligations of being the maid of honor, then NTA.
PinkNGreenFluoride said:
Gently, YTA. I think she couldn't win, really. It was only 2 days after her dog passed. She wasn't ready. Either she skips your wedding and you're mad about that, or she comes to your wedding, breaks down and ends up drawing attention whether she really intends to or not. You'd probably be even madder about that. The fact of the loss sucks, and the disruptive timing sucks, too.
It's rough losing a beloved pet. And it's a disenfranchised loss - the reaction of too many is that it's "just" a dog, "just" a cat, etc. While it's not the same as a parent or a child, it's still a significant loss - especially so soon after the fact. And it's a being, a life you were responsible for, you know?
It can be a complicated grief because there's often a guilt which comes with it, rational or not. You don't just bounce back in 2 days. I think that's what she was trying to express by saying the dog was like her child. As a society, we don't tend to give people nearly enough grace for grieving the loss of a pet.
For her wedding, you don't feel like you can fulfill the duties. So don't. But please don't let it be out of spite. I'm so sorry your wedding was affected by the loss of her dog. I wish you'd resisted the impulse to make sure it impacts her wedding, too.
Now she's grieving all over again, not just the dog, but the damage to your relationship which is so clearly linked to that, when she should be preparing for her own wedding.
RealTalkFastWalk said:
NAH. It was very bad timing but no one’s fault. She would have been a terrible MOH while dealing with that initial grief, so it’s probably for the best she wasn’t there sobbing next to you. It sounds like she never acknowledged how much her absence hurt you though. If you can’t be there for her in good conscience then declining is appropriate, however, the bitterness you hold against her won’t be satisfied.
Monday0987 said:
NTA. Your relationship with your sister has been damaged. Some commentators think losing a 14 year old dog is a justifiable reason for bailing on a siblings wedding. I think that your sibling bailing on your wedding is a justifiable reason for feeling so let down by them it damages your relationship with them. You don't have to be anyone's MOH if you don't want to be.
Constant_Host_3212 said:
NTA. The Maid or Matron of Honor should be someone who is close to the bride and can support the bride completely on her big day. You no longer feel close to, or supportive of, your sister in the way that a maid or matron of honor should be.
It doesn't matter why you no longer feel close and supportive, you no longer feel close and supportive. So thank your sister sincerely for the honor of asking you, and say "no."
Tell your parents that you wish your sister the best, including the best Maid or Matron of Honor who is close to her and can support her on her big day, but that's not you at this time. When family pressures you to "be the bigger person," that typically means "lie down and take whatever the rest of us put out and don't rock the boat."
rhos1974 said:
I’m going with an unpopular opinion but NTA. I say this as a sister and someone who sobbed for days after my dog passed. I still tear up thinking about him and it’s been ten years. But, I’d like to think I could have put on my big girl panties to support my sister at her wedding for a day.
Perhaps you could have declined in a more gracious manner but I can understand the pain caused that your sister couldn’t prioritize you on your most important day. It sounds like you already have a complicated relationship and your comment that she can be dramatic tells me that there’s a history of her behavior making you feel unimportant.
tattooed_canadian said:
NTA. I’m a huge pet person and have had dogs my whole life and have had to make the decision to put 2 down unexpectedly and I would have NEVER missed such an important milestone. I think as adults when things like this happen sometimes we have to suck it the f up and put on a brave face. Why should OP suck up and push down her feelings when her sister couldn’t grant her the same consideration?
Big_Satisfaction_876 said:
NTA. I was a train wreck when my cat died. I still think about her all the time and she died years ago. However, you were hurt and you haven’t been as close to her since. Being a maid of honor is a lot of work, and if you don’t want to do it and you don’t feel close to her, you’re not obligated to be anyone’s maid of honor.