Woman refuses to spend lump sum of Christmas money from in-laws 'the way they specified.' AITA?
"AITA for not using my in-laws' Christmas money in the way they specified?"
I (36f) have been married to my husband (37m) for almost 8 years and we have 3 kids under 7. My husband’s family lives a 4 hour flight from us and in a location that is very difficult to travel to at Christmas time so it’s long been established that we don’t travel to them at Christmas time, and there are no hard feelings about this at all.
My mother-in-law used to send us Christmas packages with gifts, but as we’ve had more kids, the last 4ish years she has just sent us a check and asked us to purchase gifts for our family on behalf of her and my FIL.
We always use this money for gifts for the kids, and we always tell the kids that those gifts are from their grandparents. Honestly because it’s a lump sum it has been really great to get a larger ticket gift for them to share (as an example, we used it one year to buy them a Nugget play couch - something we otherwise wouldn’t have given them as a gift).
A couple years ago my MIL clarified that the money is also intended to be enough for my husband and I to buy gifts for each other “from them." This is honestly just lower priority for us, and we told her one year that we don’t need much for ourselves and had just used the money for the kids.
My MIL wasn’t thrilled about this, and then last year when we were on FaceTime on Christmas morning, she asked us directly what gifts we had gotten each other from them. We both improvised and showed gifts that we had just bought for each other and went through a bit of a show of thanking them for these gifts. It felt a little silly.
This year, the check has arrived and we really want to use it to get the kids in ski camps over the break, it’s the perfect amount for that. I would just like to be honest with my in-laws that this is what we are doing with their gift money, instead of pretending that my husband and I are using it to get each other gifts too.
However, given that she’s specified that she wants all 5 of us to get a gift “from them." AITA for not following what she’s asking? I will add that my MIL and I have a solid and friendly relationship, however we are not particularly close.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
heather_rodes said:
Just pick a present each year that you gave each other and pretend it came "from them." It's not even really false, if you think about it since money is fungible. i.e. you could just as easily say that you used the in-law's money to cover most of the cost for the ski camp, and you pitched in the rest, and that they 'bought' you the other thing.
This is what my family does and it's always been easy enough, and I think it makes them happy to think me and my partner are enjoying ourselves as well. Basically, it's a minor ask to let them preserve the happy fiction, so I don't really see the need to push them on it.
bamf1701 said:
NAH. Technically, once a gift is given, it's yours to do what you want with it. However, the spirit of what your MIL is doing is to prevent exactly what you are doing: not doing anything for yourselves and giving everything to the kids.
I think, at the least, the two of you could use some of the money to get a sitter and have a really nice date night (maybe New Years Eve) on her. Since you don't need anything physical, give yourself an experience and some time to relax, and then you can tell her honestly that she did give you a gift.
Little_Loki918 said:
Soft YTA. Are you really complaining because you have to claim your presents are from them?! If this is your biggest problem, you are living a great life. In any event, why is this your problem. His parents, his conversation to have if he wants.
WildPinata said:
Gentle YTA. I get it, my mum always sends us money to "go for a nice meal", but she has no idea of the cost of living where we are and it would barely cover drinks. So we take a nice meal/tickets to a show we'd do anyway and we say she bought them and thank you very much.
She's happy she feels part of our life, we're happy she's happy. It's not a hardship. She's not trying to do anything untoward, she just wants to gift her kid something. Just say a gift is from her and let her be happy.
Travelchick8 said:
YTA. She wants to do something for her son and his wife. Let her.
Individual_Ad_9213 said:
NTA. This is a case where you should rob from Peter to pay Paul. You and your husband should take the portion of your XMas budget that is allocated for each other's gifts, and add that to the budget for the kids' XMas gift.
Then, you should take an equal amount from the MIL's cheque, and allocate that to buy yourself the gifts you'd planned on buying. It's a perfect zero-sum game.
Maximum-Ear1745 said:
YTA - it’s a pretty simple request. Can you not just buy each other less to make up the shortfall in what you want to get the kids?