Woman REFUSES to take toddler to visit in-laws. 'Not after everything they've put my through.' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is SO OVER her in-laws, she asks the internet:
"AITA for refusing to take my toddler to visit my in-laws?+Update?"
Hubs and I have a young toddler, 15 months old. We live out of state from both of our families who are also far from each other, a 5 hour drive. Neither of our families live very close to a large airport, about 3 hours for my family and 2 for his.
For context, my family adores Hubs, his family hates me and I don't like them either. The reasons they hate me aren't important, just know that it's nothing I've done, there are certain unchangeable things about me that they hate and they were against us being together as soon as they found out.
Since establishing boundaries and getting married they have calmed down but they still avoid speaking or making eye contact with me.
Now we have a toddler and I'm planning a trip to visit my parents for an upcoming holiday. We're also planning to tour the area because we're considering moving there next year.
I've done all the legwork to plan the trip. Hubs wants to visit his family as part of the trip but I refuse. My main reasons are, it's way too long of a car ride with how young kiddo is, it's already enough traveling and stress just getting out there. Second, they don't do anything for our kid.
Multiple members of my immediate and extended family have visited at least once and stepped in to help with childcare gaps even though they are all a flight away. So part of the purpose of this trip is for us to be the ones going to visit instead of them always coming to us.
Hubs family has never met kiddo and have only done 2 video calls, although they have sent some small gifts. Third, we'd have to take more time off of work to fit it in.
Hubs is pissed and thinks I'm trying to deny his family a relationship with our kid. I've extended an open invitation for them to visit but so far they haven't. There's no financial burden on their side, they just give semi-plausible excuses.
They counter with an "offer" to take kiddo for a few YEARS so we can focus on our careers and kiddo can learn their language. Obv that's a hard no from us. I offered to meet them for a day or two in the major airport city (they go there all the time) since we have to go back anyway but that's not good enough either.
Apparently we have to go to them and can't expect them to accommodate us because they just won't do it. So if I want them to meet kiddo we have to do all of the work.
But....I don't really care if they meet kiddo or not, esp after all they've put me through. It's not my job to make sure that happens. I think if Hubs wants them to meet kiddo then he needs to plan his own trip and coordinate with them, not tack onto what I'm already planning.
Hubs thinks it's ridiculous to expect him to plan another trip when we're already going to be out there (even though it's not exactly close) and that I'm not considering his feelings. AITA?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
algebralov writes:
NTA. You do have a marriage issue though, and a family issue. The offer to take the child for a few years to allow you to focus on your career suggests that his family is a certain ethnic group to me, and that you likely are NOT that same ethnic group. That is why they refuse to have anything to do with you?
You need to make absolutely certain that you are present on any visit between your child and your husband’s family. You don’t want the child left with them, and your partner needs backup to say “No”.
You also need to watch the interaction and make certain that they are welcoming to the child, and don’t discriminate based on ethnicity. I hope I’m wrong, but I’ve seen it too many times. Good luck.
eightyu76 writes:
NTA - my parents never met my middle child till she was 14. They never put the effort in and I was kind of opposed to flying FL to NY because I didn't have a great relationship with them anyways.
If they don't put the effort in...why shoud you? It doesn't matter who's family it is, visits are a two way street and if one isn't doing it, why go out of your way? If he's that determined, let him take kiddo while you go home and get a couple of days family free to rest and pamper yourself a little.
atypeslef writes:
NAH but I do think you need to have a conversation with hubby about it. Maybe he doesn't want to spend alot of time with his family. By taking a couple days at the end of your vacation he is minimizing contact but still seeing his family.
It's not necessarily the "right way" to do things but it avoids conflict and an extended stay in what would be a hostile environment.
You said he was supportive of your boundaries and set them with his family. So I could see where trying to do an additional different trip could be something he is not interested in. A week or extended weekend specifically seeing them is not going to be pleasant for any of you.
I can also see your point... you planned this whole trip and now he is throwing a wrench in it. Asking them to meet you at the airport city is a rational compromise. (I have told in laws before that we will be in xyz city on this day and we would love to see you, they met us and we had a great time.)
His family are racist.... and that will include an attitude along with micro-aggressions toward your child on a good day... on a bad day it could get much, much worse. I would be very reluctant to subject my child to that for any length of time.
A calm conversation with your husband about how he sees a visit playing out as well as how he feels about his family being part of your lives in the future is very important. If he does plan a visit make sure you guys have a hotel to escape to. Do not Stat with his family.
And now, OP's update:
I appreciate all of the comments, even the ones that said YTA because it helped me remember to be empathetic to my husband's feelings.
In the end I stood my ground. We will not be visiting my in-laws for this trip or at all in the near future. It definitely got a bit heated but logically it just didn't make any sense to visit my in-laws.
We'd be about 5 hours away by car, we'd have to rent a car to see them, we'd have to pay for a hotel because they don't want me in their house, and they don't even celebrate this holiday.
I also recently started a new job and don't have much PTO banked up, what little I do have I need for the short holiday trip and then our big move in spring. I laid all this out to my husband and asked him how we would resolve these issues and he didn't have an answer.
I can't magically get more PTO, neither one of us wants to add 10+ hours of driving onto a trip that already has a cross country flight or pay for a hotel/car rental.
And frankly our parents do NOT live near each other even though it might be in the same "region" (think one lives in NYC the other in Buffalo NY, yeah it's the same state but it's not close at all) so this expectation that when we see one we have to see both has to stop.
A few weeks later we talked about it again in the context of us moving "closer" (still 5-6 hour drive) and I laid out for him that I'm simply not willing to go so far out of my way to make sure my in-laws have a relationship with our kid.
They're racist, they were terrible parents to all of their kids but especially abusive to my husband, they're already playing favorites (read: golden child and scapegoat) with their other grandkids and I'm not going to move heaven and earth to have the "idea" of a family with them.
My husband has come a long way in not jumping every time they snap their fingers but this was something he struggled with. I completely understand that he wants to have the same experience that I have had, of showing my kid off to my family, watching the bonds develop etc.
But in reality it just won't happen for his family. They don't care about him very much, never call or send a gift for his birthday even though he spends a lot of money on them for their holidays and birthdays.
They still have no plans to come visit our kid and haven't done a video call in 6 months. In the more than 10 years we've been together not once have they come to us. So we're dropping the rope.
Hubs is free to have whatever relationship he's comfortable with but we aren't going to be putting in any extra effort right now unless something changes.
I hope this helps other people in multi-racial relationships see how things might turn out, your in-laws may never come around and you have to decide if it's worth it to you. For me it is, but it's not without conflict at times.