Woman refuses to give sister who 'didn't like' late mother 'something old;' AITA?
Weddings love to release years of tense family feelings, but what happens when your sister confesses her true thoughts about your late mother?
Is it 'disrespectful' to an heirloom to let someone with a rocky relationship history wear it on their wedding day? So, when a conflicted woman decided to consult the moral compass of the internet about a hairpin, petty and judgmental strangers everywhere were ready for the piping hot tea.
AITA (Am I the As*hole) for refusing to give my little sister our mother's hair pin for her wedding?
I (31F) am the oldest of four sisters (30, 28, 25). My middle sisters both married before me, and I got married last May. At each of our weddings, our 'something old' was a flower-shaped hair pin that belonged to our mom.
Our mom passed away when we were teens, so having that pin was a way for each of us to include her memory in our special days. Since I got married most recently, I have the pin at my apartment.
Last week, my youngest sister announced her engagement in our family group chat, then texted me to ask that I send her the pin.
Here's the thing. All my sisters were my bridesmaids, along with some friends. At my bachelorette party, after my friends had left, my sisters and I stayed up, a little drunk and feeling very deep in that post-party kind of way.
We started talking about our mother. My middle sisters and I got emotional, saying how much we missed her. My youngest sister, however, was very quiet.
I asked her what was up, and she started talking about how she was always our mom's least favorite, how even when mom was dying she didn't say 'as good' a goodbye to her as she did to the rest of us, and how – If mom had lived – they'd probably have a terrible relationship.
My middle sisters and I tried to talk her out of it, saying that of course our mother loved her and stuff like that, but finally my little sister kind of snapped and just shouted, 'Look, I hated that f$king b#tch, okay?' Then she started crying and went home.
The next day, I called my sister. I asked her if she'd meant everything she'd said the night before. She said she did. She said that she knew our mother loved her, and she knew our mother never did anything 'bad' to her, but that she could always tell that our mom 'secretly regretted having a fourth kid.'
She suspected our mom had wanted a son, and had been disappointed by a fourth girl. Personally, I don't believe this is true.
As the oldest, I had a lot of conversations with my mom before she died that my sisters weren't party to, and she always said that she would have loathed having boys. In fact, I always thought that my youngest sister was her favorite.
My sister ended the conversation saying, 'Look, that woman might have been my mom, but I didn't like her very much.'
I responded to my sister's text about the pin saying that I wasn't sure why she wanted to wear it, considering her strained relationship with our mother's memory. My sister responded, 'All of you wore it. I should wear it too.'
I don't think she should wear it just because we did. It's supposed to represent our mom's memory, and if she doesn't look at our mom's memory fondly, I don't want her disrespecting the pin by wearing it dishonestly.
I told her that I would hold onto the pin for now, and we could discuss it more later if she reflects more on what the pin actually represents. AITA?
Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say about this one:
k2dadub said:
YTA- your sister obviously has a lot of complicated feelings about your mother. That’s okay. It’s not your place to deny her right to participate in this tradition. You are being cruel.
butt5000 said:
YTA and in a MAJOR way. You are attempting to police your youngest sister’s feelings about HER relationship with her mother. People have complicated relationships with their parents, especially after they’ve passed. To exclude your sister from what is now a family tradition is utterly chickenshit. You should feel ashamed.
superfastmomma sai
YTA. For caring more about disrespecting a hair pin than your sister. Pins don't have feelings. You sister does. She lost her Mom and she was obviously a lot younger than you. That's hard. We deal with the loss of a parent in different ways. Maybe this is her way of dealing.
Your sister is forging her own way. She seems to find some meaning in the pin being worn by her older sisters. Let her have that.
Bottom line, this pin is not yours. It's all your sisters'. You have to right to withhold it. And maybe, just maybe consider that sitting around hearing her older sisters happy stories brought out a bunch of conflicting feelings for her and she lashed out.
vixisgoodenough said:
YTA. 'Disrespecting the pin?'
Stellanboll said:
YTA - Your sister is hurting and it’s not your place to make judgments about what feelings she is having. Maybe you don’t understand why she wants to wear the pin, and that’s ok. You don’t need to. But if you truly want to be a loving sister, you should hand over the damned pin. Come on!
0000udeis000 said:
YTA - you can't (or shouldn't) gatekeep your sister from participating in a family tradition because you don't agree with her feelings. Maybe at this point it's not about your mother and her (justifiably) complex feelings about her, but rather her bond to you and your sisters. It's not your pin - sounds like it belongs to all of you.
Later, she provided an update:
I've texted my sister. I told her that I'd held out on her with the pin because I was holding on to some hurt about what she'd said about our mother last year, but that it wasn't my place to dictate how she dealt with our mother's memory, and certainly not my place to gatekeep our mother's heirlooms.
I told her I'd send the pin in the mail tomorrow. Luckily, my sister's a very understanding person, and says she gets why I acted as I did. Thanks for the responses, ya'll. I needed a wake-up call.