'AITA for not waking up early and helping my MIL with chores?' UPDATED
"AITA for not waking up early and helping my MIL with chores?"
I (F25) have been married for a year now. It is customary in our culture that women stay with their in-laws after marriage. Before marriage, I didn't subscribe to this and told my husband (then bf) I wanted to live separately. He agreed since he wanted to live away from his parents and build his own life.
But as a compromise, we would still visit them and stay at their place every few months. It is again customary that DIL helps MIL with household tasks.
In our house, mine and my husband's, we are equals. We do chores together. In my in-laws' place, his mom always does most of the chores. She was a SAHM, too.
When visiting, I am expected to help her with the chores. Not my husband, just me. I rope him in as well. The primary issue is that everyone there wakes up at 5:30-6 AM. That's too early for me, even when I have work. I want to sleep in since we go there on my off days. At least till 8-9 AM.
Initially, they didn't say much about this. Just a bit of snide comments that I let go of. Choose my battles and all. But this morning, my MIL made a big show of how I never helped her with chores.
Let me clarify: She wakes at 6 AM and finishes most tasks by 9 AM. By the time I am awake, it's all done. I help prep, but that doesn't count to her. The fact I don't slave away in the kitchen makes her mad.
When she went on a whole woe-is-me act, my husband, who normally supports me, also got mad at me. He asked why I couldn't wake up a few days out of a month earlier than I wanted to and help his mom.
When I said he could help his mom since he wakes up anyway, he said that's not the point. He said he doesn't ask much of me, and this is the least I can do. Respect his parents when we are staying under their roof.
I got mad and told him I didn't want to stay under their roof, nor did I have to. With that, I just packed my bags and left that place. Now, my parents and husband are blasting my phone for overreacting. AITA?
Cause I see a lot of comments asking me to help my MIL: no one has anywhere to be. It's the weekend. There is no requirement for things to be done by that time. Other than the fact that 'it is how we do here.' And I help her with meal prep.
Cut veggies and everything the night before. I also clean the house, roping in my husband (though we visit for two days).
OP provided an update:
My initial agreement with my husband and his family was that I wouldn't visit. I work full-time in a different city. I want to relax on weekends.
They kept calling, begging, and guilt-tripping. I finally agreed to visit one weekend a month. We go there Friday after office and return Sunday night. That's the entire weekend and duration of stay.
If I weren't there, I would sleep till noon or after. My husband knows this well. Because I respect his home, I am getting at 8-9. It feels like yet another working day to me. Getting up at 6 AM is like overtime on an already hectic week.
Here are some comments from the post:
IanPKMmoon says:
NTA - It is a completely different culture from where I'm from, but this stupid patriarchal tradition has no place in 2023.
FuzzyMom2005 says:
NTA. He married a woman, not a servant. While it's nice to help when one is a guest, you're being treated like a maid. These are HIS parents. He can help them. Isn't it interesting how you're expected to respect their customs, but they're not expected to respect yours (in which the guests are treated as guests, not unpaid help)?
EANx_Diver says:
NTA. You aren't overreacting and entitled to make these decisions, but you also knew before marriage how things would be. Use your words about how you expect to be treated and what you will and won't do.
'When we go to your parent's home, I don't mind helping with chores under two conditions. First, I get to sleep in until 8 AM. Second, you're there next to me helping. This is your mother, after all.'
Ultimately, what matters is if you and your husband can come to an agreement that you both agree is respectful and considerate.
What do we think? Was OP right to leave her in-laws place, or should she be waking up at 6 AM to clean?