Woman refuses to host Thanksgiving after hosting for a decade; her family pushes back. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to do Thanksgiving this year?"
I’m 40F, and I have six sisters. My two older sisters are 44 and 47, and my four younger sisters are 38, 36, 34, and 32. We’ve always been a close-knit family, and for the past decade, I’ve taken on the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving at my house.
I enjoy having everyone over, but it’s a lot of work, especially since we all have at least 2 kids each (all in the age group 5-15). It’s chaos, but joyful chaos. My husband helps out, but the majority of the planning, cooking, and organizing falls on me.
This year, I decided I need a break. Life has been hectic, and I’m feeling burnt out. Between work, taking care of my kids (10, 11M), and other responsibilities, I’m just not up for the task of hosting a big family gathering. So, I suggested that one of my sisters take over hosting Thanksgiving this year.
I brought this up in our family group chat, thinking it would be a reasonable request and it’s plenty ahead of time. However, my two older sisters, Sarah (47) and Emily (44), were not happy with the idea. Sarah has a busy job and a smaller house, so she feels she can’t accommodate everyone comfortably.
Emily argued that she’s been dealing with a lot of stress lately and doesn’t have the energy to host. They both suggested that since I’ve been doing it for so long, I should just keep the tradition going, especially since my house is the most spacious and I’m the one who “knows how to do it right.”
My younger sisters were more understanding, but they also hesitated to take on the responsibility. My sister Jessica (38) said she would be willing to help out more with the preparations if I hosted, but she wasn’t confident about hosting the entire event herself. The other younger sisters offered similar compromises, but no one was willing to take on the full load.
After some back and forth, I stood firm and said I really need someone else to host this year. I suggested we could even make it a potluck to ease the burden, but Sarah and Emily were still upset. They accused me of being selfish and abandoning a family tradition that I’ve upheld for years.
They argued that I’m the one with the most experience, and that Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t host. Now, there’s tension in the family, with my older sisters feeling like I’m letting them down.
I feel like I’ve done my fair share over the years, and it’s not unreasonable to ask for a break. But at the same time, I understand that my older sisters are also under a lot of pressure, and that hosting Thanksgiving is a big deal for our family. So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year after doing it for the past decade?
ETA The second oldest, Emily, handles Christmas. So I feel like it’s totally fair that she not want to do both. (She does not cook though, she hires a catering company, but it’s still a lot to take on regardless)
Here's what people had to say:
INFO: Is your house the only one that reasonably has the space for a large gathering? Is it also the most 'local' for everyone?
Acemer0904 OP responded:
Square footage wise, my older sisters houses have more room, but the set up of my house seems to be more preferable as far as function (two dining areas, one for the kids, one for the adults).
My kids are in the middle of the age range of the kids (they are 10&11) so there are toys for the younger cousins to play with and there is entertainment for the older preteen/young teens too like video games and whatnot.
As far as location, I’d say we are all pretty close together. We don’t all live in the same city, but no more than two cities over. It wouldn’t be much more of a drive for them to get to another sisters house.
Well it does sound like your house is "best" for this gathering. You say your family is close so it would be sad for this problem to mean 1) no gathering for the holiday; and/or 2) bad feelings and resentment.
Sounds like a few people are at least open to compromises on this. You might consider trying a new gameplan and see how it goes. If you really don't want to host under any conditions, then of course that's your call.
Consider options like full-on potluck (so no cooking for you), everyone pitches in to pay for catering, younger sisters agree to arrive early and stay late (for setup and cleanup), or even "just snack food and fun" (no sit-down meal).
I also have the 'best house' for family gatherings so I get that it can be frustrating to bear all or most of the burden for hosting. But I still feel thankful to have family who still want to get together, which I think makes me "forget" how crabby I was about it between events.
Oof they have nerve. No. Of course you’re NTA. You’ve been doing the lions share and want a break? How dare you! And your sister using the excuse that she’s stressed? Guess what? Welcome to adulthood. We’re all stressed here.
You may consider mentioning once more the possibility of a potluck at someone else’s house, and maybe even offer your guidance for whomever decides to take on the task. But that would be it. You’ve done more than enough.
They are only upset because they don't want to take on such a big job and expense. Stand your ground, the family tradition of taking advantage of you is over now, you deserve a break. NTA
So their arguments against sharing the burden is that you have always had the burden? ...and that YOU are the selfish one here? Lol. NTA.