Woman makes fiancé choose between their wedding or having his ex in his wedding party. AITA?

"AITA? Fiancé’s Ex in Wedding Party"

I am (27F) and my fiancé is (33M). We have been dating for about 4 years now and got engaged last year. Prior to us dating, my fiancé dated his childhood best friend, Liz, for 8 years. They were briefly engaged before calling it off. From what I was told, they decided to break it off because they were getting married for the wrong reasons.

They were planning to get married because it was the “next step,” and since their families were best friends, he felt obligated to marry her. After they broke off the engagement, they remained friends.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I knew Liz was a part of my fiancé’s family life. Liz and my fiancé’s moms are best friends. Liz is also best friends with his younger sister, and my fiancé and she share the same social circle. I don’t have a problem with Liz and her friendship with my fiancé. I actually like her as a person and would consider her a friend.

However, there are times when we hang out that I feel left out, like I am the third wheel, because of their inside jokes and shared childhood stories. I have always tried to be open-minded about their friendship since he assured me that they are only friends, and I do trust both of them.

My fiancé and I are finalizing our wedding party now. Since both of us have best friends who are of the opposite sex, we agreed that it’s okay to have opposite-sex members in our own wedding party. I told him who I wanted to ask to be in my wedding party. He mentioned that it would mean a lot to him to have his sister be a part of my wedding party.

I get along with his sister well enough, so I agreed to include her. When he listed his wedding party, he mentioned Liz. I was taken aback. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with having her in the wedding party. I told him I am more than happy to have her attend the ceremony and reception and that she can sit with his family and be in the family pictures.

However, that wasn’t good enough for him. He said that it’s his wedding party, and it was his decision who’s going to be in it. He mentioned that I have the right to choose my own wedding party, so he should be able to choose whomever he likes. I told him that’s not fair because I’m not having my high school sweetheart in my wedding party.

This has become a huge fight between us. He said he is putting his foot down, and Liz is going to be in his wedding party. I told him that I will not budge on this. Out of anger, I told him to choose: me or her.

If she’s in the wedding party, then I won’t be standing at the altar. He responded by telling me that I was acting crazy and that he’s going to stay with his brother until I “calm down and be reasonable.”

It has been 3 days now. He has texted me twice since the fight: the first time to ask me if I have “calmed down” and am ready to be reasonable, and the second to ask me if I have agreed with his wedding party list. I told him my answer is still no and that I don’t know if I can let this one go. Am I the a%*^ole? Should I just let it go?

Here are the top comments:

MamanBear79 says

NTA. I really don't understand the other judgements. The whole "you have to accept their relationship" is BS, sorry. Your fiancé wants you to have his sister in your wedding party, effectively choosing for you (he'd be pissed if you said no, guaranteed). And he wants his ex in his.

The ex he hangs out with, the one who is friends with the whole family and won't back off, the one who is "friendly" but whose closeness to your future husband makes you feel like a third wheel.

The thing is, your fiancé is trying very very hard to redefine his ex as his best friend. That's not the same thing, at all. What if you had slept with your own best friend? Would he want him around at all?

The whole "have you calmed down?" is pure, undiluted bullying. You said it was a deal breaker, he's choosing to break the deal. It's on him, not on you. A platonic relationship with another person can be just as uncomfortable as a sexual one.

Kylito-77 says:

NTA. Your boundaries are not wrong and it’s really concerning how your fiance is fighting for her by fighting against you on this by using the old guilt trip tactic 'you pick who want so I’m picking who I want' and 'calm down' in suggesting your aggressive and unfair. By the way, why he chose his sister for his party instead of ex.

EdenRose22 says:

NTA. The people basically saying get over it are insane. For context I’m 28F and have been with my partner for almost eight years. If he did this we wouldn’t be getting married, it would be a hill I’d die on. The way he’s acting feels so dismissive and disrespectful.

You’re already compromising and being SO gracious with their friendship by allowing her to be at the wedding at all. It is beyond reasonable to request that your future husband doesn’t have someone standing by his side that he slept with for eight years and who he was engaged to while you’re marrying him. I feel like the gaslighting from him is insane.

He’s marrying you, not her so he needs to decide who’s more important to have standing with him at the end of that alter. And if it’s her, good luck to him finding any other female who will be nearly as chill as you.

notAugustbutordinary says:

So his sister is part of your wedding party rather than his even though he is wanting his ex in his own party, so it isn’t a gender thing and he wanted his sister in your party because girls on one side boys on the other he just wanted his sister to be there to be part of all your plans?

Just out of interest what were the plans for bachelorette and bachelor parties? If they are separate is he planning on going away with his ex and the rest of his party?

What do you think? Is OP right to make her fiancé choose?