Woman REFUSES to let MIL redecorate nursery; 'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law redecorate our nursery?"

So I (26F) am currently 32 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband Felix's (27M) first child. Things have been going well and one of the great things is that Felix is a builder and so everything with the nursery went pretty smoothly pretty fast!

We agreed at the start what kind of vibe we wanted to go with it and it's pretty much already done. Figured that we'd get it sorted as soon as possible so it wasn't another thing to worry about later.

My MIL has always been a bit of a nightmare but has been better since the news that I'm pregnant (though not without issue - for example, she told me that I should "lose some weight" and that it wasn't "heathy" for me or the baby. She knows that I used to struggle with anorexia and I'm not any sort of unhealthy weight).

In the past I've kept my mouth shut and let Felix deal with her. As the nursery has almost been completed, she's suddenly decided to invite herself around more.

I work from home currently, she comes in on the regular, asks me when I'm going to have lunch and "oh could you just pop me something in too!" and then will wander into the nursery and start rearranging things.

I know this sounds stupid but once she literally bought an IKEA bag full of stuff that she put in there. It doesn't match. But I've never said anything really beyond, "Oh, thanks so much for the thought" etc.

Yesterday when she came around uninvited, she looked me up and down and said "Really? Joggers? Thank god Felix isn't here" and then walked into the nursery and started asking me where the pillow she'd put in the crib had gone...

why I'd taken out the fairylights hanging on the wall right by it, etc. I explained that they were potential safety hazards to the future baby and that I'd taken them out.

She started with, "Oh, well, I've had three children" and "I really think you should take more of my advice" and then looked me in the eyes and said "You're really not going to be a good mother at this rate".

I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones but I just stared at her for a moment and then told her to get out of the house. I'd been up all night and had loads of work and wasn't in the mood. She got very uptight about it and then left.

Felix says he's going to talk to her and tell her that she shouldn't be reorganising anything without our permission, but I don't know if it was just the hormones and I'm being unreasonable. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

Commenter 1: Why on earth have you been letting her in while you’re working?

Like it’s all well and good to leave most of the corralling to your husband, but you absolutely can, and should, set boundaries too. If you’re the only one home, you’re the only one to enforce them. You can’t just let her waltz all over you and follow it up with a soft shoe number just because he isn’t home.

You’ve been a complete doormat. Grow a spine girl.

OOP: I get your point. She was given a key a while ago when Felix and I went on holiday so that she could come in to feed our cat. Didn't ask for it back because neither of us foresaw this happening.

I didn't feel like completely burning a bridge and blowing up at a woman that is literally going to be related to me by law for the rest of my life. Hope this helps clear up any confusion.

Commenter 2: "You're really not going to be a good mother" is a sentence that gets you barred from the house until you give a grovelling apology.

The fact that your husband isn't murderous with rage at that comment alone, nevermind the other abuse and disrespectful treatment of his wife and mother of his child is....not great.

He has clearly been trained to put up with her behaviour. BUT that's not good enough! When he decided to become a husband and dad his job is to protect his wife and child above all, including his overstepping mother.

OOP: I get what you mean and I definitely agree. I'm going to have a longer talk with him about it but I do think it's because his mother rather than anything else. He didn't really get on w/ her growing up and he's very much a "water off a duck's back" person. Doesn't think he'd gain anything by getting angry with her, etc.

That being said I agree that hard boundaries need to be set and that he needs to communicate them (not just because she'd listen to him more but because then I'm not the bad guy as much). Thank you for your advice! Super helpful :)

flound adds:

NTA. Felix needs to shut this down like yesterday. She’s being openly disrespectful to you.

She can no longer come over uninvited. She needs to call and schedule a visit,like everyone else. Also, if she has a key to your home, change the locks.

No more bringing unwanted items for the baby. While you appreciate the thought, you and Felix want to prepare the baby’s room the way you want it. This is YOUR baby. She had a chance to decorate how she wanted with her kids and now it’s your turn.

No more passive aggressive comments to or about you. If this isn’t shut down,she will continue this around your child. She will talk badly about you around/to your child. This is disrespectful to you and should immediately be stopped.

Actions have consequences. If she breaks any boundary you and Felix have set,she won’t see the baby for X amount of time. That could be days,weeks, months or even a year, depending on how severe the boundary she broke was. You could even do it, 1st offense X days, 2nd X months,3rd permanent. This is something you and Felix need to sit down now and talk about.

This blatant disrespect needs to stop and it needs to stop immediately. This can’t continue,if for no other reason than your mental health.

She knows you have an ED and is deliberately using it against you. What is her end goal? For you to spiral so she can tell everyone you’re an unfit mother? That sounds psychotic.

lazyinstru writes:

NTA. Felix needs to talk to her about a lot more than just reorganizing. She was rude and disrespectful. About your clothes, your weight, and your ability to even be a proper mother!

She needs to be told under no uncertain terms that such behavior in the future will not be tolerated and you won’t let her poison your baby with such a foul attitude towards their mother.

Your MIL had babies DECADES ago. What we know and best practices for infant/child care have drastically changed since then. Something she thinks is just common practice could be a known danger now. Don’t allow her to make you question yourself.

Tell her if she doesn’t have anything nice to say she can keep her mouth shut. And she can get you some gift cards if she wants to help you outfit the nursery, but not to presume to take over the accessorizing. It’s not her house, her nursery, or her baby. She needs to butt out.

Update 1:

Felix and I sat down and had a conversation about how to manage his mother going forwards. I told him everything that she had said to me and he was adequately furious with her.

He asked me exactly what I wanted done in the future so that she'd understand where our boundaries are. And follow them. I told him that I'd rather him speak to her alone at first so that I wasn't immediately made out to be the bad guy.

I acted on advice and locksmith has been called to change the locks on the house, and Felix has ordered us a Ring doorbell off Amazon with the assurance 'I'll be able to put it in' (he hates doing the electrics but you know how it is I'll leave him to it lol). And then he called up MIL and organised a lunch date for today so they could have a talk between themselves.

He got back in the afternoon and as he walked into the door, smiled at me and went "Sorted!" and, characteristically, went to go and make himself a cup of tea.

I got a message a few minutes later from her saying she was very sorry for what she had said to me, that she was in the wrong. Only going to visit when invited, not going to go into the nursery anymore, and was going to respect the rules and boundaries that he and I set for our home life and for our child.

And after added that she was sorry for the comments she'd made on my appearance. I'll believe it when I see it but at least it's a good start, and we've all agreed to go for dinner at some point to talk about future expectations when the the baby comes.

I talked to Felix, and he said that she'd been offended at first, didn't believe she'd done anything wrong, and he also specifically said she hit with the spiel of "Oh I must be such an awful mother then", and he told me he'd told her "It's not about that, it's about you disrespecting my wife, our child and our home.

If you continue, you're not going to dream of being able to see your grandchild.". She was apparently and unsurprisingly sulky, and he told her to apologise, and she said she would and to her credit did.

Thank you all for your advice about how to handle thing going forwards with the locks and everything. The amount of support was crazy but I can't thank you all enough, I feel so much calmer about the situation. I don't know if she's going to stick to what she said going forwards, but at least boundaries have been set and I know that Felix has my back.

On a lighter note to end, I asked if he had anything he wanted to say to the people who had commented, and he said, "Can you add that photo of me in Florida?" (Felix...That's not even slightly relevant.) "Shame. What do you want for tea?" Thank you!

More comments and responses from OP:

Additional Information from OOP about Felix in Florida

OOP: I told him this and he replied "I know what the people want" lol.

EDIT: I'll describe the photo (and hopefully somewhat satiate the people). It was when we were in the Florida Keys, and he's sitting on a comically large yellow wooden beach chair, think three times the normal size of one.

He's got relatively short wavy brown hair, he's holding up a red spade in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other, and has this stupidly big goofy grin on his face.

He'd just finished making a sandcastle (which is somewhat visible in the background) and had sat down to have a rest. Bless him. He also told me to add that he "looks really fit" so do with that what you will.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You do realize that her apology wasn't sincere??? She apologized because she wants to make sure her spot in her grand childs life is secure. Give it time It's going to start all over again.

OOP: I get that she might not mean it and it might start all over again, but it's still the little wins for me right now. Because the boundaries have been clearly communicated, it means she doesn't have a leg to stand on for excuses.

Even if she starts up again, I know that everything is going to be handled and I don't have to stress too much about it. Thank you :)