Woman refuses to live in fiancé's hometown 'surrounded' by people he dated. AITA?
"AITA for telling my fiancé that I refuse to stay in his hometown because I'm tired of being surrounded by people he's dated?"
My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We have a 6mo daughter together, and I have a 11 and 12yo with my ex (deceased, car accident 10 years ago). My fiancé is fantastic. He's great with the kids, he is great to me, he's super attentive and caring and empathetic and has an insane amount of patience.
He's never once made me question him and honestly, our communication is top notch. Of course we have disagreements, but they are few and far between and generally speaking if we run in to an issue warranting a deep discussion, we work it out together with no ill feelings. BUT he wants to move back to his home town and he truly did date just about every woman there.
Despite what it looks like, his "body count" doesn't bother me. But his hometown is literally so small. Everyone knows everyone and given how much he got around, you can't even go to a store in that area without running in to either someone he's screwed OR that person's parents.
He doesn't associate with any of these people anymore, though he does have friends in the area who do still associate with multiple women in question. I'm not saying anything would happen BUT...
I really just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to go to a parent teacher conference with him (he goes to every single one) and have to deal with one of his many old partners who just happens to be there with her children, which would likely happen.
I don't want to walk in to a grocery store or gas station and be met with the "hey, your Matt's wife, right?" I just don't want the attention, at all. I moved out of my home town for this exact reason (everyone knows everyone).
Well, we were in that area last weekend for his family dinner. One of his ex's was there (his sister and her are friends now, though they weren't back in the day). It wasn't awkward or anything. She's really cool actually. But his family was all "when you guys going to move back this way?" I laughed it off.
Well, we leave and stop at the grocery store. While we were inside some guy walks over with his girlfriend and says "Matt, how you doing bud" and they start a conversation. At some point he goes "you remember Tasha, right? Didn't you guys hook up back in the day?" As if it was just a normal conversation.
Anywho, he wants to move back. The school system is one of the best in the state, there's a lot of work there, there's a lot of nice properties and it's close to both of our families (my family is in the next town over) but I truly just don't want to deal with it. I enjoy living in the area we are now, where we don't know anyone and have zero drama. He says he understands where I'm coming from but keeps saying "you know it's not like that, right?
I would literally never do anything to jeopardize us. It's just a better school for the kids and closer to our families. I know I have a past but I truly would never fuck anything up with you" and I KNOW he's telling the truth. His love for me is blatantly obvious. He shows me off literally constantly. I just don't want to deal with it. AITA?
EDIT:
eta: we already have a nice house where we are currently and it's only an hour from our family. I work at the hospital here and he works at a dispensary. The work available near his family is better for him, not me. I would be taking a pay cut and transferred to a really small hospital. The school IS better there (ranked #2 in the state, whereas the school we are with currently is ranked #5 but still a good school). So there's pros and cons.
Just thoroughly researched the school ranking. It's #2 in the county, #9 in the state. I had only went on to the schools website and seen "#2" listed and assumed it meant in the state. I was wrong, I apologize.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Ok-Marzipan9366 said:
NAH, having lived in a few small towns, people dont realize the social stuff that comes with it. Small towns are nothing but politics. Hes not wrong for wanting the benefits or being close to family because it truly means nothing to him. But youre not wrong for not wanting to deal with it. Its a lot of crap you invite to your door, without even meaning to.
Ok-Marzipan9366 said:
Mental health is just as important as good schools. There's lots of places that have both.
Austen-aficionado said:
NTA and please don't listen to people who say you are. You have multiple very good reasons for not wanting to live there - you will be surrounded by women he's slept with (ick), you would have to take a pay cut and a have a career downgrade, and you don't want to live in a small town.
But here's the thing: even if you didn't have a great reason, let alone 3 great reasons for wanting to live there, you could still veto it and be well within your rights. You don't want to live there so it's off the table. He's not an ahole for wanting to move back at all but would be the AH if he continues to push the issue when it's so obviously not the right place for you. The well-being of both people in a couple matters, not just one.
PotatoMonster20 said:
NTA. I know he's got good intentions. But you need to make it clear to him that you just couldn't handle it. The constant interactions and stress would negatively affect you, and would eventually lead to you breaking up with/divorcing him.
Hour-Requirement6489 said:
I moved out of my small town, I got sick of people I didn't even know with my name in their mouth. NTA and he sounds incredibly selfish to ask you to take a step down in YOUR career so he can be locally famous.
PJpremiere said:
NTA. I wouldn't want this in my daily life either. If it isn't necessary to live in this environment, I wouldn't. This kind of environment actually encourages something silly to cause tension.