So my (32F) cousin (34F) (we'll call her Calli) is getting married early next year. We're pretty close, we even lived together for a few years in college. We don't talk every day but at least once a month and at all family events.
This is the first marriage for both her and her man. They're very excited and are going all out with the wedding (we live in a fairly cheap state but her wedding will still cost around $40K).
Our families don't have a lot of money so she's putting most of the expenses on credit cards, doing payment plans, and she even took out a small loan. I don't think that's a great idea, but I've kept my mouth shut. After all, it's not my wedding.
Anyway, earlier this year Calli asked if I would be her maid of honor along with another married friend of ours. I was incredibly excited and of course, said yes. I knew there would be many expenses: dress, hair, makeup, shoes, bridal showers, and the bachelorette party.
So I saved my tax refund from this year to make sure I had all the costs covered and I've eagerly paid for everything Calli has asked for. Now to the problem. The other Maid of Honor called me the other day and told me that Calli is wanting to go to Disneyland for her bachelorette party.
The bride wants three days in California with an AirBnB. I kind of lost my mind over how much that would cost and I called Calli. I tried to be as polite as possible and told her that this felt more like a vacation than a party and I couldn't afford it.
She burst into tears and told me that she has paid for super expensive bachelorette parties for some of her other friends and she deserves to have the same thing. She even suggested I get a credit card. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I told her I'd do some budgeting and figure it out.
But the thing is, I simply cannot afford that. I don't have any credit cards, and the few loans I have, I've been working really hard on paying off. I'm very conscious of my spending as my parents were never great with their money.
They have filed for bankruptcy several times, had vehicles repossessed and we were evicted once when I was a kid. I refuse to end up like them, and am very uncomfortable with the idea of getting a credit card to essentially pay to take Calli on a pre-wedding vacation.
I feel like an awful person, but I simply cannot afford this. I know this will upset her and she will be very angry and will probably cry. WIBTAH if I didn't go to the bachelorette party and also don't offer to pay my portion? Or should I suck it up and just take out a loan?
Active-Anteater1884 said:
Oh, honey. I'm a generation older than you. I'm trying not to go all "in my day." But in my day...a bachelorette was a bunch of us getting together, going to a club or maybe using someone's parents' pool, sticking a party store tiara on top of the bride to be, downing champagne and having a grand old time.
Bridal showers were also more modest affairs, usually at someone's home. Just to be clear...we weren't poor. Our parents were all solidly middle class -- maybe even a little better off than middle class -- and we young adults with decent jobs, trying to climb the financial ladder.
What Callie wants is OTT insanity. I do not give one single fig how much she's spent on fulfilling other entitled brides' ridiculous fantasies. That is absolutely her problem. What she is asking of you is completely out of line.
And the suggestion that you put it on a credit card or take out a loan? Get OUT of here. Absolutely, positively, NTA. And a piece of advice? Do NOT allow yourself to be bullied into taking part in this craziness.
Trick_Delivery4609 said:
NTA. "Sorry Calli! I already am using my tax refund for everything else in your wedding. I don't have a budget for that Disney expense. I am willing to take you out for a night on the town or for some pampering.
I understand if you no longer want me to be your MOH and want one of the brides you spent tons of money on to take you to Disney instead. Let me know your decision."
WaywardMarauder said:
NTA. The entitlement of brides absolutely astounds me. Nobody is required to spend an exorbitant amount of money to throw them lavish parties and vacations. If she wants a trip to Disney, she can plan and pay for it herself.
A night out on the town or a nice spa day is more than plenty for a bachelorette party. I don’t know when women started thinking they were owed some kind of weekend or weeklong festival just because they’re getting married.
New_Shallot_7000 said:
NTA. I got married 18 years ago and didn’t even want a night out, why all of a sudden are bachelorette parties multi day vacations!? Why are brides expecting their bridesmaids who are already spending a lot of money to be part of the wedding willing to do this!?
I’m sorry your cousin got suckered in to doing this in the past but that’s on her for not saying no. It doesn’t mean she‘s owed the same experience.
Fay_theweirdo246 said:
NTA she only cares about herself and is selfish I would definitely tell her that you can’t afford it any that you have to pay back credit cards and that you aren’t willing to go into debt for her.
DNA1727 said:
NTA. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. It is her wedding, she gets to decide on what she wants to do with her wedding but you get to decide on to partake or not.
XxQueenOfSwordsXx said:
NTA. Go into debt so you have celebrate me! Uh, no. Shes being unreasonable and selfish. I can’t even imagine the audacity of her even asking and then crying when told no. Is she usually this selfish? I just read something recently that could apply to you. Guilt is not a good enough reason to say yes.