'AITA for refusing to pay for my ex's wedding planning?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to pay for my ex's wedding planning?"
I (27F) was in a relationship with my now ex-boyfriend (27M) for 5.5 years. We're originally from X country but moved to Y about three years ago. Despite my boyfriend having a bit of a nasty temper, he treated me well overall. We met in college, and during a challenging time, I supported him financially and tutored him for free.
After college, I helped him land a great job. When I got a job in Y country three years ago, I assisted him in finding a job there and even covered his flight tickets. I've even met his parents a few times, and they seemed like nice people.
Fast forward to six months ago, a random girl (27F) contacted me on Facebook, introducing herself as my boyfriend's girlfriend. She's in X country, planning an online surprise birthday party for him. Apparently, he told her I was his close friend, so she wanted to invite me too. Here's where the part that I might be the AH begins.
I continued the conversation with her like everything was alright so that I would gather as much info from her as possible. She and my boyfriend had been dating for eight years (5.5 years overlapping with my relationship), and they had set the date for their wedding in six months.
I felt blindsided, livid, and was utterly depressed, so I confronted my boyfriend about this, and he didn't even bother to hide the truth. He said he had no choice but to be loyal to her because she's the one he met first, and everything was planned for the wedding.
I asked him what would become of me and why he did this to me, but all he said was that these things happen, he would continue his relationship with me even after his marriage, and that I should suck it up since he was apparently doing this as a favor to me.
So I spent the next few days pretending like everything was okay (we didn't meet in person, so it was easier to just pretend). Meanwhile, I documented pictures/screenshotted chats of everything we did during our 5.5-year relationship and made them into a folder.
Then, I contacted his other girlfriend and sent her all the proof. She initially thought I was lying, but after going through the evidence, she contacted me again to apologize. She also provided proof of their relationship.
To our disgust, we discovered he had given us the exact same things for birthdays, anniversaries, etc., with identical pick-up lines, identical messages on some days. Prior to moving to Y country, there have even been days when he spent the morning with her and the afternoon with me and vice versa.
Anyway, she broke off the wedding, and my now ex-boyfriend is demanding that I reimburse him for all the money he spent on the wedding planning (approximately USD 6000) because I ruined both his wedding and life. I have refused to pay him and also cut off all contact with him, but he reaches out using new numbers, sending messages demanding compensation.
Here's what people had to day to OP:
queymashi says:
NTA (Not the A%^hole). It's not your fault that he's a cheater. I don't know what he was thinking about, having a wife and a side-girlfriend, but if he told his future wife about you openly he should have thought that you can communicate and connect the dots. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. He ruined his own life, but also hers and yours.
Vanriel responds:
I cannot believe the nerve of him saying that their relationship can still continue the same way after he and this other girl got married. I mean how do you even remotely think that is fine?
FragrantEconomist386 says
NTA. So he wants to be reimbursed for his wasted wedding planning does he? Hah! I could say a few choice things about that, but that would end up getting me banned. I think you should send him a bill for everything you have given him over the years and sue him for breach of promise. Let's see how he likes them apples!
WolfGoddess77 says:
NTA. At first, hearing about everything you did for him, I was going to say that he sounds like a leech, but wow. I was not expecting the double life. This is completely his fault and his responsibility. It's his mess to clean up. You don't owe him anything, except maybe a firm boot in the a%#.
AngelicClamorBreeze says:
NTA - Your ex-boyfriend's betrayal and deceit are unacceptable, and you're not responsible for the consequences of his actions, including the costs he incurred for his planned wedding.
Mountain_Cat_cold says:
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of his own actions. NTA. I commend you for being cold blooded enough to gather the evidence before letting the other woman know.
Mysterious_Pea_5008 says:
NTA. Get back to taking notes, but this time take your collection of proof of harassment from this ex to your local courthouse and let the police know he is stalking you and why.
Hopefully your financials are secure and you've put on alerts with your credit reporting companies and bank. Maybe complete lack of response or acknowledgment will convince him to leave you alone.
Later OP came back with this update:
The other girlfriend send everything showing proof of both my relationship and hers to his family. Now his mum wants to speak to me, I am not sure if I should or not. I feel like they are blaming everything on me. To give you bit of a context, we are from a strict south asian country