Woman refuses to visit sister and her newborn; 'Not after EVERYTHING this family has done to me.' AITA?

When this woman is annoyed with her sister, she asks the internet:

"AITA for refusing to visit my sister and her newborn?"

I (22F) am the youngest of three in my family. My parents got married when they were both 20 and had my sister and brother pretty quickly after.

They’ve always planned on just two kids, but they accidentally became pregnant with me when they were 38, making my sister and brother 16 and 15 years older than me respectively. My parents and family have constantly reminded me throughout my childhood up until now that I was the mistake in sly ways.

My mom on few occasions had told me she wished she never had me because I ruined her body. Growing up, I was often compared to my sister and always reminded of how I paled in comparison to her. Relatives would often berate me about my appearance, especially acne which I have no control over.

My aunt once told me it is a shame that I was born dark and how my parents were blessed to have one daughter with lighter skin. My own mother would say how much of a disappointment I am for not being as educationally gifted as my sister even though we both got A’s in high school and college.

She has even told me that my degree wasn’t as useful as my sister’s even though our careers are in the same field. My father would avoid looking or speaking with me, but would constantly communicate with my other two siblings. He would only speak with me if he had an issue with what I was doing.

Because of this, over the years, I have developed dislike towards her. I hate being near her, and I loathe seeing her. I would often evade her if she entered a room. Also, because of our age difference, we have never really talked properly or interacted a whole bunch. I’ve never heard her say anything bad about me, but I just can’t help it. I dislike her.

When I left for college, I really started enjoying life again and became more social. In general, I felt happier and freer and felt like I didn’t have to act so grumpy and depressed all the time like when I was at home.

However, after I’ve graduated, I have come back home for the summer and have regressed back into that mentality. It also didn’t help that my sister was pregnant with her first child after suffering from infertility issues, and everyone around me constantly talked about how she looks radiant and beautiful.

Earlier last week, she gave birth to a baby girl, and everyone has been visiting her at the hospital. I was able to weasel my way out of going when she was in labor, but now, everyone is pushing me to go, calling me rude and selfish if I don’t.

I just don’t want to go because I don’t know what I’ll say if I hear one more person make a comparison or compliment her. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

ahan writes:

YTA. Your sister isn't responsible for your parents' behaviour. You admit she's never done anything to you or said anything mean to or about you, you just resent her because of the way your parents have treated you.

barbieseacow writes:

NTA, but with conditions. Your parents are the real villains for pitting you against your siblings and being over all emotionally abusive. But you are harboring hate towards someone who is probably also suffering this dynamic.

I can guarantee that if you ever sat down and really talked to your sister, she would tell you that she has suffered immense pressure being "the golden child". You were not really there to see the ways that they parented her, and they're never going to give you an honest picture of it. Chances are they were just as horrible to her as they were to you.

Now that she's had a child, I'll bet they're going to be stuck so far up her butt she will feel like she can't breathe, because that's what overbearing parents do when they have grandchildren.

I would suggest going low or no contact with your parents, getting into therapy to deal with your issues towards your sister, and then seeing where the relationship with her can go from there. It may always be distant, but it doesn't have to have all this resentment and hate either.

zestclose writes:

YTA. Your sister never did a thing to you. I can understand you being angry with your parents. They treated you like crap. But your sister never did anything.

mrfruitfly writes:

NTA but I think you should think about what you want from your family in general going forward.

I get why you feel the way you feel, but your anger should be directed at everyone in your family except your sister. She may have also treated you not so great, but that isn't in your story as much you cover your parents and other relatives.

If you want to keep a polite distance from everyone but still need to be around your family, which is understandable because you need to come home from the summer, need financial support, etc, then go and visit your sister.

You just go, you congratulate her, tell her the baby is adorable, and then get out of the way and ignore what people are saying. You do this because you are getting grief for not going and it just ends that grief.

Then you come back from the visit and really focus on getting out of that home and also ways to not regress more while there.

Your family treated you and treats you like shit. I am so sorry that you grew up in that environment and that you still have to deal with them. You don't deserve that and none of what they say about you is true. Period.

But you are now in charge of your emotional health and future, so you need to find ways- and again it sucks that it is on you to sort out living in a traumatic environment- to get out of there and in the meantime ignore them.

My suggestion would be to be scarce and focus on your job/job search and being out in the world. When you are home, ignore comments, which is hard, but just fully ignore them and remember that most of the world doesn't agree with them. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't let them be the reason you don't live it fully.

vistam writes:

NAH. I’m not sure how to word this in a this great, poetic, super sensitive way so I’m just going to say it as best as I can. I apologize if I’m offensive or hurtful.

You have a ton of trauma surrounding your family. The trauma is so deep it’s being reflected on people who aren’t really involved. The thing with trauma is we tend to compartmentalize, ignore, or “spread out” the trauma.

A r@pe victim may feel uncomfortable around all men for example. We know logically it’s only the one man that causes the trauma but it’s so hard to process, and can’t be ignored it’s spread out to all men.

Thats what you’ve done if what you’ve said is accurate. I’m running on the assumption that your sister while disinterested hasn’t said or done anything hurtful to you. Aside from being a disinterested sister which is hurtful in its own right.

That hurt can be healed if your sister is open to a better relationship now that you’re adults with a common career. If she is open to a better relationship, I’d tell her how you felt resentful of her due to the comparisons and feeling unwanted.

I don’t know about your relationship with your siblings but as the youngest with my sister and brother being five years apart I can say that my brother wanted very little to do with me, except to tease me. We didn’t get close until I was like 15/16.

My sister and I didn’t get along at all. It was much worse than my relationship with my brother. She thought I was an annoying little tattle tale brother (side note: she thought I was telling my parents when she had friends over, when she was babysitting me.

The deal between us was that I wouldn’t snitch and she’d let me do whatever I wanted. I didn’t snitch. The family dog did! My parents noticed that she didn’t bark at certain people, and figured out that it was because the dog had met them before.)

Anyway she held that grudge for a long time, and she would get more and more pissed when I denied saying anything and acting like I didn’t know. I really didn’t. All of us were just in different developmental stages at our lives.

What 16 year old wants his 6 year old little brother bugging him? What 15 year old girl what’s her 10 year old brother anywhere near her and her friends? Point is unless they’re actively being shitty, maybe show them some grace.

Your parents and extended family are the problem. Focus the anger on their behavior. However they won’t change. Therapy can help with that. I can’t help, I’m sorry. I’m just saying they’re the source of the trauma, unless the others are actively enabling their behavior or engaging in it as well, maybe show them a little grace?

This is a critically important moment in your sisters life. If you want a relationship, and if what you say is true I very much suggest you at least try, you have to show up and gush over the baby to some extent. Congratulate them, show some love to them. It’s such a big moment in her life.

Truthfully she may not remember what you said, or what you did, she may even forget you were there depending on how soon the birth was and if she’s still loopy on the drugs. Her husband won’t forget you showed up, and chances are she’ll remember you showed up. She’ll 100% remember if you don’t show up.

Do whatever you want, but be careful letting trauma dictate how you behave. It can become more difficult to process.