"AITA for rejecting my MIL's offer of a girls trip?"
My (27f) husband (27m) is low contact with most of his immediate family but more specifically, his parents. He has a brother he's still close to and things with his two sisters have improved but not with his parents. The reason for this estrangement is that most of his family were obsessive over his high school ex (they broke up at 17).
This was already annoying for my husband because he didn't want to hear about his ex every time we saw his family. But his parents and sisters (mostly MIL) were very blunt about loving his ex, wishing he would leave me for her, saying I would never fit in like she did and didn't belong like she did.
MIL even told me she could never love me when she loved her, and her loyalty remained with the ex, not with me. I was left out where they even included BIL's girlfriend (now wife too) and if they did include me they just talked about the ex and how they wished she was there instead. Every effort I made was rejected. They even invited her over a few times.
This was hard for me because I have my own messy family stuff. I'm an affair baby who was lied to and kept a secret and messed around a bunch. During the affair my parents were upfront with who mom and who dad was but then the affair ended and my dad stayed with his wife so mom told me he wasn't my bio dad and the guy she was dating was. So while she was married to my stepdad I thought he was my bio dad and he went along with that.
He had a son who hated me and I never understood why he was so against me being his half sister, etc. Found out after they broke up that "dad" wasn't my dad and the original guy was. I never saw my ex-stepdad again even though he raised me for 7 years. Then my dad's wife found out about me and so did their kids and then they hated me.
His marriage broke down and mom offered to send me away if he'd go back to her. But he wanted me and wanted me to be close to his kids. But they didn't want to know me and they all told me exactly what they thought of me. Then dad admitted to me when I was 17 that he had zero regrets ignoring me and pretending not to be my bio dad because it gave him more time with his actual kids. So I never knew a real loving family and I have issues.
And that's why the way my ILs were treating me, but especially MIL, was tough. I had already been rejected so many times and tossed aside and to come into this new family and be told I would never live up to an ex...it was tough. They knew about my history too. My husband drew hard lines and went low contact. His sisters regretted it and they've been much better since but his mom has not and she was blocked by my husband recently because she made several attempts at contact.
Which is what led her to reaching out to me and asking if we could have a "nice girls day" so we could talk and figure this all out. She made no apology so I said no. But she didn't like that and told me to grow up and deal with this like a woman and help repair the family. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
benoit_blanc25 said:
NTA. If I could this more in caps than I already have, I would. I want to fire every person in your life into the sun with the exception of your husband. I’d all but made my mind up by the end of the first paragraph but knew I needed to read it all first. Nothing changed my mind.
Some may say you should accept the trip as an olive branch. You shouldn’t, and her response to you is the reason why. She has no desire to actually fix things, she just doesn’t like the awkwardness of the conflict.
Maybe the sisters are genuine, who’s to say. But it’s obvious your MIL is not. It’s been 10 years since he was with this other girl and they couldn’t let that go? A HS relationship? That’s top tier weirdo behavior. To do it all knowing your context? Disgusting and vile. I don’t know these people and I hate them.
Also, as an internet stranger, if you have not done so, I sincerely hope you at some point sit down with a therapist of some sort. You have been through more than any human ever should, and I cannot imagine the effect it has.
thumpmyponcho said:
NTA obviously. Block her number. Tell your bf. She needs to apologize to him, and put in work to patch things up, then she needs to apologize to you, and then you can think about meeting her together for a short visit and slowly start to normalize things.
But she's clearly not taking responsibility at this point (and doesn't sound like she will anytime soon), so there's no reason to give her the time of day, much less meet her.
MrsPomMummy said:
NTA. If your MIL has truly seen the error of her ways, there need to be some serious apologies and amends. The fact that she wants to see you without your supporting husband is very telling.
She doesn't want him interfering with anything. I wouldnt agree to any actual reconcilliation without the presence of your husband who sounds like he knows how to handle his mother. But this isn't a reconcilliation effort. She regrets s**t.
ElephantUndertheRug said:
NTA. There is one simple but powerful sentence that has proven VERY useful for me in my own ridiculous family situation. "It is not my job to repair what YOU broke."
bamf1701 said:
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to fix her family. She was the one who obsessed over another woman, so this isn’t your problem to fix. It is reasonable for you to ask for a public apology before any sort of reconciliation, if you even want one. After all (not to sound childish), but she started all of this.
The fact that she didn’t start out with an apology and then lashed out at you when you didn’t give her the response she wanted is a good sign that she really hasn’t changed - that all she was going to do was to manipulate you to get what she wants.
Buttercup_Bride said:
NTA - I spent my entire childhood trying to get my parents to love me. It's not an easy thing to experience in childhood. Nor is it easy to work through in adulthood. I've also dealt with a spouse who has been a mixture of low contact and no contact with his family.
Based on your MIL behavior post rejection I don't feel like she's changed. I've experienced a similar situation. For me what it turned out to be is that MIL wanted to use me to get back into her child's good graces without any change beyond what was performative.
I'd initially been willing to have 1 conversation but remained no contact when we realized what she was up to. Personally now I stay about exactly the same level of contact as my husband does.
I don't have to, it's not like I'm required. I do so because to me if you can't properly respect my spouse who is your blood I cannot trust you to behave respectfully towards me. But that is just my experience and my opinion.