Woman describes tense relationship to her BF's close female friend; 'It's getting weird.' UPDATED

"My boyfriend (30M) has a close female friend (34F) who blatantly dislikes me (29F) and makes no secret of it. Where do I go from here?"

I don't know if I'm being wildly unreasonable and jealous over this, so I need some outside opinions.

I (29F) have been with my bf (30M) for three years, and we share an apartment. He has a female friend "Nell" (34F) and they were friends for years before I came along. I had no issue with their closeness - I have male friends and knew I'd be a hypocrite to leap to judgements, but at this point I feel I'm justified in thinking the way I do about her.

The first time I met her, it was extremely obvious Nell didn't like me. She came into the bar all excited to see my bf, before noticing me. Her entire demeanor changed - she shook my hand and dug her nails into my skin, before ignoring me the rest of the night.

She even seemed upset at one point that I took the seat beside my bf, and quietly left halfway through the evening without saying goodbye. So it's safe to say my first impression of her wasn't good, but I tried to reason with myself that not everyone gets along, and I don't need to be friends with my bf's friends.

However, as time passed it became really clear Nell's attitude towards me wasn't improving. She had a way of openly mocking me in front of groups of people, making side comments or loudly joking about my voice or appearance.

My bf would stand there and say nothing, and after the fact when I asked him about it, he'd say he hadn't noticed. She'd also make a show of hugging him hello and goodbye and not me. She would mix that kind of stuff in with smiles and basic politeness so it was tough to articulate exactly what she'd done - I felt very much like I was back in high school.

From that point on, I basically decided I didn't need to have someone like that in my life, so just stopped going to things she was at. I haven't seen her in about a year. My bf still sees her regularly and they text often.

I'm now at the stage where I fully believe they've either dated in the past, or have something going on now. I've tried gently bringing this up, but he denies they ever dated and makes me feel like I'm being jealous and bitter by asking. I end up suppressing those feelings, before something brings them up again. I've reached the end of my tether with it.

The final straw for me came the other day, when my bf left his phone open and I saw a text exchange between the two. Nell had sent him a heart emoji, and my bf had written something about how he was thinking of her. I know I should have said something then and there, but I felt numb and decided to go to bed. I'm trying to work out how to handle this.

Is it possible nothing's going on here? It's something I've tried arguing in my head, but then something else pops up that makes me doubt it. Maybe friends do just send hearts, and I'm making this up because I don't care for Nell? I don't want that to be the case.

I'm basically at a point where I feel he either has to tell me the truth and restrict contact with Nell, or else I don't feel like I can maintain the relationship. I feel constantly disrespected, and I want something to change but don't know how to go about it. Any advice would be so welcomed.

flesy writes:

He will continue to lose GF’s as long as Nell is his friend. Either there is a history with the. or she wants to mark her territory or he isn’t interested in her but likes the attention he gets from Nell. Does Nell do this to any other male friends?

Funny there was a post of a guy who had a girl crushing on him and also jealous (his GF told the story) When that girl suddenly fell in love w another man, he lost it! Could not believe she fell in love w the guy and tried to persuade her to break up

flounc writes:

Young me would have given him the benefit of the doubt and would have tried to talk to him about it.

49 yr old me would just pack my stuff and leave because I know damn well he knows what he’s doing and he’s allowed this problem to escalate and therefore he’s not worth my time anymore.

Here’s the deal, he knows what he’s doing, (or not doing) by not standing up for you. She’s pushed you out to the point that you no longer go to places where she will be, so not only has she won but she’s been rewarded for her behavior and he has not told her to cut it out. He is fully aware what’s going on.

Sidenote, there is nothing more infuriating about being with a guy who won’t stand up for you. This isn’t going to be just with his friend. It’s going to be in every aspect of your life. If your in-laws pick on you, he will allow it.

He is showing you he has no spine and he’s one of those guys that is going to stand back and allow a situation to escalate in his effort to “stay out of it” until everybody hates everybody else.

Then when the proverbial house has burned down around him he’s going to look around and wonder how that happened! When he was the one that could’ve stopped it.

I wouldn’t even try to talk to him. You’ve already tried that, and it didn’t work. You are the third wheel. He is going to have to learn that this friend is going to cost him his relationships. Whatever’s going on with them is whatever.

At this point, I would not lower myself to try and save this relationship as there really isn’t anything to save. She’s actually doing you a favor. I would simply just leave.

And if he asks why, say that it’s clear he values her over your relationship and now he’s welcome to date her. He knows the shit she is pulling and he is simply chosen to not get involved because he doesn’t want anyone mad at him.

So instead, he’s going to let you go at each other and then be shocked when you leave. He’s old enough to know better. Don’t give him the satisfaction of begging him to do the right thing. He’s simply not a quality partner and isn’t worth the work.

And now, OP's update:

First, I'd like to sincerely thank everyone for the kind comments - I didn't expect so many responses and I appreciate them all. I wanted to provide everyone with an update, because a lot has happened.

A few days ago, after a lot of tearful soul searching, I decided the best thing for me would be to walk away from the relationship.

I sat my bf down and talked to him about it - I explained that I always felt like the third wheel in my own relationship, and that for my own happiness, I didn't want to be in a relationship that made me feel that way anymore.

I gave examples to him that I did in my original post, such as his lack of boundaries with Nell, and his disinterest in standing up for me whenever she mocked me. I also said my trust in him had been eroded to the point where I felt unsure of what I really was to him. I told him I still cared about him and wanted him to be happy, but that I wanted to be happy too.

My bf sat silently for a while, before asking "so...you're jealous of Nell?". I felt like he'd barely processed anything I'd just said, and when I tried clarifying, he got defensive and told me he was allowed female friends.

I could tell he wanted to turn it into an argument, and since my mind was already made up and I'd said what I wanted, I ended the conversation and he played a computer game and acted like I wasn't there as I packed my things and left. I've been staying with my best friend, who is amazing and always so supportive.

We're actually looking into sharing a place officially. I burst into tears on her doorstep and we hugged it out, before having a movie night with a pizza and some wine. It felt really therapeutic, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

My family have been amazing too - rallying round and taking me out for little meals and stuff. I even got one or two sweet messages from my bf's friends, saying they were sorry and that they fully understood my point of view (which is interesting!).

I imagined that would be the end of it, but the next morning I woke up to messages from a number I didn't know. It was Nell. I honestly didn't think she'd contact me, so to see walls and walls of text in my inbox was a shock.

Let me run down some of the things she said - she repeatedly insisted that she never "bullied me", and said she had "no idea where that came from". She said I'd always seemed cold towards her, so tried to make little jokes to break the ice (openly mocking someone is an interesting method, but I digress).

Lastly, she told me I was making things up by suggesting she ever had a thing with my ex - they were just friends. She finished with a passive aggressive apology that I'd ruined my own relationship by being jealous and listening to "voices in my head".

I didn't respond to her venom or try to get the last word - I know she wanted to repeat her tried and true method of hitting out at me and enjoying my reaction, so I didn't give her one. I've been focusing on other things to start building my self esteem and happiness back.

My ex has not tried to contact me since I left and I'm glad. Frankly I think him and Nell are perfect for each other. I'm well and truly done with this, and I'm so excited for new things in my life.

My friend and I are making arrangements to officially have a place together, and I actually got promoted at work today! I feel like it was a little hug from the universe. In all, things are looking bright.

So to end things, I want to thank everyone again for the messages. I think hearing your opinions, as well as getting all my thoughts out in a post are what really opened my eyes and allowed me to leave. I finally feel I'm making myself the priority - feels pretty great!