Woman resents BF for splitting bills 50/50 when his parents support him. 'The sight made me so hungry.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITAH for feeling resentful that my boyfriend is so tit-for-tat on everything?"
I 22F and my bf 22M have been together for a couple years and started out as friends. When we were just friends we’d always split the bill, split gas, split everything.
Then we started dating, and things never really changed. We’re both college kids so I’ve never set the expectation that he has to pay for me, but I’ll be honest that I’m not in a very good place financially right now. My parents are helping me with rent until I graduate in two months, so I’ve been scrambling to save as much as I can incase I’m not able to start working right away.
I don’t have a whole lot saved up since I’m only working part time and have to pay all other expenses, but I got a glimpse of my boyfriends bank account the other day, and I won’t lie, I felt jealous.
His parents pay for his part of everything so any money he acquires just gets to chill in his bank account. The amount was well into 5 digits and I have to remind myself it’s easy to save money when you use your parents card for most things and I’m happy for him that he has such a supportive family.
We live together and split our rent, groceries, house work, all that. Recently, because of my financial situation, I’ve declined going out to eat and doing any activities that cost money.
I know that $5-$10 isn’t a lot, but spending it often on snacks or fast food really adds up. My bf just says “ok!” And goes out to eat by himself. We hadn’t gone shopping in a long time so there wasn’t much for me to eat, I had some leftovers and decided to save them for tomorrow’s lunch instead. My boyfriend asked me what I was going to eat and I said I’d figure something out but probably not much since I wanted to save food for tomorrow.
My boyfriend came home with his meal and started feasting like he hadn’t seen food in years. I had to just look away at my phone cause the sight made me so hungry. After he was finished, he asked what I had eaten and I told him I had only had some coffee, a cookie my coworker gave me and some ham slices I found in the fridge.
He just said that it’s good I was saving money. I know it’s selfish but ughhh if I had enough money to be going out to eat often I’d pay for him in a heartbeat. He knew we didn’t have food at home and didn’t even bring something small back, he says he loves me all the time but in that moment I didn’t feel like it. I always cook for him when we have ingredients on hand and make sure his portions are larger even though we split costs on everything.
Even we go out out to eat at fast food places he’ll Venmo me exactly half, right down to the cent. If he pays he’ll ask me to Venmo him back while we’re still at the restaurant.
I feel so weird about splitting the cost on small stuff so if I purchase stuff for us I wont ask him for money but he’s got no problem hitting me up for the $2.26 I owe him. Am I not worth a $5 kids meal? I always bring him back snacks if we have any at work, bring a drink back if my coworker gets us all Starbucks, I know I don’t have a lot but I do what I can to spoil him in little ways.
I know he sees it as even, but how is it even if I’m struggling to budget while he’s not for the same things. I know I sound really really ungrateful, my boyfriend does get me thoughtful gifts and shows me he loves me in different ways.
But financially, he’s never one to pay on my behalf and sometimes I just wish he would, even just for little things. I want to bring it up to him, but even then I don’t know what to say. AITAH for feeling this way? I know I’m being a bit jealous but I just can’t help but feel this resentment starting to bubble.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
chironinja82 said:
NTA. Why the hell is he your boyfriend if he's totally fine with eating a full meal in front of you while you're hungry and not even offer you anything??? No one I've ever dated has ever treated me like that.
Even the male roommate I had before I met my husband offered me food when he cooked sometimes. Throw the whole bf away cuz he doesn't love you. He's way too self centered.
yellowjacket7771111 said:
NTA…anyone who eats food in front of you while you’re hungry is not someone you should be in a relationship with. The good news is you’re young and if you get away now you’ll recover easy from all the time you’ve wasted.
I can’t imagine planning a future with someone so cheap and self centered. Whatever he feels about you, he 100% doesn’t love you. I live with a platonic roommate and often tend to eat out, but I always call her and ask if I can pick something up for her/did she get dinner yet bc I’m going to xyz?
Sometimes we split it, but sometimes I just treat her because she’s my friend and I care about her. Do you get it, OP?? She’s just my friend and I’m still more caring and considerate towards her than your own boyf is towards you.
Please get away from this person. It’s not normal to not share and provide for someone special in your life. It’s a big red flag. You deserve so much better. Sorry you’re dealing with this and best of luck to you.
jenever_r said:
The fact that he accepts stuff from you without offering to pay says it all - as does the fact that he'd rather see you hungry than share his food. He seems to see this as an FWB situation. You need to either discuss it with him, or just break up. NTA.
ToxxiCoffee said:
At first I was thinking "well you're not entitled to his finances just because he's more well off than you", but then you got to the part about him not really caring about you not having much to eat and then gorging himself in front of you, not even offering you a bite - that can't be rationalized in my head. He could have gotten some groceries instead of fast food and you get groceries next time or something.
My boyfriend and I also split things and pay each other back, but he would never leave me hungry and he wouldn't hound me for something like $2 here and there. Your boyfriend isn't just being frugal with his money, he's being frugal with his consideration of you. You're NTA for feeling the way you do.
Milkdumpling said:
Your bf is used to everything being given to him. It doesn't occur to him to give back. He's always been the center of his universe and hasn't learned empathy.
iswearatkids said:
Are you dating Ebenezer Scrooge?
UPDATE:
After getting so many comments from you guys I decided to talk to my boyfriend this morning. We had planned to go grocery shopping and I wanted to have this convo with him asap before we went. I want to say I really appreciate all the comments and it seemed clear that bringing it up more bluntly might be the best way to talk about this.
Even though I’ve heavily implied it, but you guys are right I’ve never out right said “hey can I tell you something right now, I’m kinda struggling a bit."
I sat down with him before we went shopping and showed him the list I made with all the prices, staples like eggs, milk, bread, pasta etc. usually I write snacks/desserts, other more fun groceries that aren’t necessities we usually get were missing.