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Woman 'retaliates' when husband wants to 'transition'; husband (now female)'s polycule 'steals' her house after they suspect FOUL PLAY. AITA? UPDATED 3X

Woman 'retaliates' when husband wants to 'transition'; husband (now female)'s polycule 'steals' her house after they suspect FOUL PLAY. AITA? UPDATED 3X


When this woman shares the saga of her husband's transition and the tragedy that followed, she asks the internet:

"AITA for not being supportive of my partner and then getting thrown out of my house?"

I never imagined I would end up married to a woman. When I met the person who is now my wife (who I am going to call Paula because that is not and has never been her real name), she was a man (who I am going to call Paul for the same reasons). Two years into dating, Paul told me he was bi.

Two years after we were married, Paul came out as trans and chose the name Paula for herself.

I am not going to pretend that Paula's transition was easy for her or me, because it was not. There are people who will say it would not make the slightest bit of difference to them if their spouse or partner suddenly transitioned, and there are people for whom that is even true, but I am not one of them.

But I've tried. I am trying. I went to couple's therapy with her, I went to her own therapy sessions when she asked, I got a therapist of my own.

I read books, I reached out to other people with similar experiences, I stood by her when her family and people who'd been friends pushed back, spoke out against my friends' and family's transphobic comments when they came up.

I stared dumbly as three different therapists heard my story, tut-tutted, and called me bigoted to my face and said I needed to either get on board or get divorced. So I got on board. We burned our wedding album because she couldn't bear to look at her past self in a tux.

And I did so, so much more, and I am not saying that because I want or expect any kind of kudos and I DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND IMAGINE that, relative to other cis spouses of other trans people, I have done anything noteworthy or had a more-difficult-than-usual time of it. But. I. Tried.

And I did it because, while the person I loved was no longer a man, she was still the person I loved.

And I did all of it while strangers and people I loved attacked me for being the transphobic one if I ever expressed a moment of shock, a moment of hesitation or uncertainty, or a moment of...

Oh my god, this is a lot of change all at once, can I please sit down for even one minute so I literally don't collapse from the panic attack I am literally having literally right now?"

And then, this week, at 10:45 am on a Tuesday, there's a man in a suit and a Hippler haircut at my cubicle, handing me a stack of papers that say "Separation Agreement" on the top. He's whisper-shouting at me that I need to sign "right now or there will be consequences," and he will not agree to take this to a private conference room away from the lookie-loos.

I tell him to wait while I call my wife, and she lets out a long, exasperated sigh when she picks up. I tell her about Hippler man and she says he's legit and, with one sentence, does her level best to tear my heart out and throw it into a fire.

"I just can't stay married to some fg d@~%e," she said.

And when I came home, all of my things were packed in suitcases by the front door and so very many of "our" friends were there to support her. "I think it's easier this way," she said. She works from home, you see. Totally logical.

So she gets my support, our house, and our friends, and I get called "some fg d%@e" and thrown out on the street by a gang of people champing at the bit to dogpile on me if I am anything less than one thousand percent supportive of the person harassing me at work and kicking me out of my own home.

Before we give you the horrifying & tragic updates from OP and OP's wife's polycule, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

finstaaa writes:

So sorry you’re going through this. It’s wild to me that someone could try and say you’re bigoted when you tried to make the marriage work and you clearly (from the language you use) are supportive of trans people.

You went into your marriage believing you were marrying a man. It’s reasonable for you to have a difficult time adjusting to finding out that your husband is actually a woman, especially if you identify as a straight woman, yourself.

And even if you were into women as well, that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with having a romantic relationship with a trans woman. There are a lot of extra considerations to be made when being romantically involved with a trans person. Not everyone is built to handle that, and that is okay. It doesn’t make them bigoted, it just makes them incompatible.

corgicorg writes:

NTA. I can't believe what I just read. What she did to you was horrible after you were trying your best to get on board to something very sudden and unexpected... it's also incredibly unfair for everyone to call you transphobic for struggling to be perfect during this whole process that is incredibly hard.

Not a lot of people would be 100% on board and that's not because they're terrible or transphobic but... if you go into a relationship expecting/given the impression of a certain gender/se%ual identity that changes suddenly..

it's very hard and a lot of people wouldn't be okay with it because they went into it with whatever gender/sex they are attracted to and to change that and expect the person to be 100% okay with it is asking a lot.

There a lot of people where this transition wouldn't matter to them and love is love no matter the gender/se%/parts the person has but for some.. it doesn't work like that. I think you were a great partner for being supportive and trying your best for her despite how hard it would be as I don't even know if I could do that myself.

If my boyfriend came out as trans I'd still love him as a person and support him and help him with his journey but... I don't know if I could still be on board for a romantic relationship as a part of my attraction to him is due to him being a man and I'm not se%ually or romantically attracted to women.

I don't know that would be such a difficult position to be in, especially after being with one another for so long and being married for 2 years too... it's a lot for a person to take in.

I wish you the best and you deserve so much better! Someone who will treat you right and put in the same effort you're willing to put in for them. Your ex was cruel and you did not deserve this kind of treatment at all after trying your hardest to be the best partner you could be!

notveryashmoney writes:

NTA! I don't want to be that person but were those therapists legit?? Because every hetero couple I've known who had one of them transition, the therapist would always tell the trans individual to try and give time and space for the other spouse to process because while you've basically known your whole life that your trans, your partner didn't.

I wish you best and I hope you move on from those people because that is very hurtful and toxic and for your partner to have literally thrown all of this on you in one day??? Thats some shitty shit. I hope youre able to grow and love again and not turn bitter. Not for anyone but yourself because it sucks being bitter.

It sucks like there's no tomorrow. And I know you love her still because she's the person you fell in love with, but if she tries to win you back please don't.

I have no idea what it's like to be in your exact situation but my ex told everyone lies about me about how I was mean and verbally abusive when actually he's the one who was and I lost all of my friends I had through him and it was hard when...

people were supporting him to break up with me when he did it so he could sleep with a girl and a week later tried to get me back. I was stupid and did it.

It ended just like the first time.

And now, an update from OP's M2F wife's PARTNER(S) (trigger warning):

Preamble: My Partner (masc NB) and I (cis M) are Poly, which I understand will be a dealbreaker for many people here. If you are one of them, please move on and do not add to the dogpile that is our lives, thanks. And thank you to everyone for reading my late-night ramblings and inquiries.

Background: Partner and I met our Beloved (MTF) almost a year ago—this Thursday would have been our one-year anniversary. At the time, she had just started working again, was just coming off of her probationary period, and was still shackled to her spouse (joyless cis F).

We (Partner, Beloved, and I) proceeded carefully and discretely with our courtship, because for the first months Beloved was still wholly dependent on her spouse’s insurance to cover prescriptions and procedures, but once Beloved was secure, recovered from surgery, and cleared to WFH full time we started seriously considering our futures together.

Beloved ultimately agreed that the honest thing to do would be to divorce her spouse, so with the help of some of Beloved’s friends Partner and I broke the news to her spouse, served her with papers, packed up her things in the nicest suitcases she had, and helped her move out and move us in.

I wish this were simply a catty story with a happy ending, or even no ending at all. But life and love are never so easy, as I’m sure all of us here know firsthand.

Beloved’s spouse refused to agree to our terms, refused to even sign the papers Partner hand-delivered to her. I am grateful we had so many people with us when she came to our house, because I fear she would have turned violent without them, and those are both just from the first day.

She hired a lawyer to fight the divorce—a “no fault” divorce, at that—and demanded Beloved buy her own house back from her (blood money). This was after she had abandoned it, let me remind you!

Beloved’s spouse refused to budge, refused to settle, refused to negotiate, barely restrained her contempt in talking to us, and I’m sure it was no coincidence that whenever her lawyer deadnamed Beloved, she very begrudgingly corrected him, as if to claim she was some woke AF Princess of Power rather than the frigid soul who had hired that troglodyte to begin with.

Her virtue signaling didn’t end there either; as the months wore on, she held every mortgage payment she made above us, as though it were some kind of moral victory or virtue signaling rather than her paying for the house she supposedly wanted us to buy from her so desperately.

Beloved did not handle the stress well. At all. I suspect, but cannot prove, that this is what her spouse had intended all along.

On Friday, May 1, while Partner and I were making another trip to move our things over from the old apartment, Beloved died by taking their own life. Before her body was even scarcely cold, her spouse had swooped in, claimed the body, and had her cremated.

A week later, she snuck to our house and taped a "Notice to Quit" to our door claiming that she was suddenly our landlord now and that we owed her rent—for a house she had previously demanded we buy from her.

While Partner was on hold with legal aid, I checked the mail and saw an identical notice in a certified mail envelope. We burned that one; it seemed fitting.

My friends, Partner and I find ourselves in a terrifying limbo. Beloved truly despised her hateful spouse and absolutely intended to divorce her, but nothing was ever finalized because her spouse dragged her feet.

Beloved clearly intended to change her will to provide for Partner and me, but never lived to do it.

We are now apparently, if legal aid is to be believed, the tenants of Beloved’s would-be ex—which cannot be legal or ethical given her animosity and prejudice towards us—and we must either pay the exorbitant, usurious rent she demands or be evicted from our own house.

We are counting our small blessings that our state has put a moratorium on evictions.

It isn't much, but we will take what crumbs the system throws our way. Sadly, it is due to expire on the first of the month, which mean one day we will have to face this woman in court and be her punching bags for all the world to see, because she is still so furious at a woman who is already dead.

Do we have a cause of action against Beloved's spouse for stealing and cremating her body and keeping the remains from us, given that they were on an inevitable path to divorce and Beloved absolutely would not have wanted her spouse to be anywhere near her (as evidenced by initiating the divorce process)?

If Beloved's spouse is truly our landlord now, how can we prevent her from evicting us or charging us an unconscionable rent? Even granting that she somehow became a landlord, should she not honor the "implicit contract" we had with Beloved, which stipulates that we may live in and use the house as we see fit?

Is it legal to demand that your "tenants" buy their own house from you?

What would be the best way for us to challenge and defeat Beloved's will, given that she intended for us to live in our house and that her spouse abandoned it?

Do we expose ourselves to retaliatory charges if we file an ethics complaint against Beloved's spouse's attorney for deadnaming her?

Readers were baffled by this update. Take a look!

festivv6 writes:

Like, is it just me or is the writer of the second post the actual cause of death. I mean to be fair obviously the wife was going through a lot and it cannot be placed on one person. I don't mean that.

But, both the APs were very verbose about it being original OP's fault and the attacks by original OP. So they came into the wife's life and convinced her that everybody was against her especially her wife who had been by her side from beginning.

Besides the fact that they sound like they suck in general it sounds like they came into her life and saw her as their ticket to EZ Street and they took over.

They moved in and moved out the OOP, they brought the divorce papers, they called up mutual friends to say that OOP was violent.

They use the wife to further their narrative that they are victims and that they deserve more out of life.

(Their post starts with don't be mean to us because we are poly, I am not saying poly people do not get harassed, but they start their post with that and then they fill the wife's life with the fact that she's the victim. It just sounds like they need the victim mentality)

fantaaah writes:

OP STILL NTA. I hate that people are defending or sympathizing with OOP's significant other. She tried to support her spouse through their transition despite struggling with the huge change to the life she thought she had and then she gets served with papers and called a dyke...

She gets pressured into leaving HER home and these parasites moved in.Her significant other kills themselves and these scum bags basically squat in her house and make her life hell.

F everyone but OP.I don't care what her significant other was going through.Mental health or gender identity issues doesn't justify cheating,destroying someone who loves and supports you,or stealing their home and moving in your AP.I hope she finds peace after all this bs.

And now, OP's update about the same situation from a DIFFERENT THREAD:

Eight-and-a-half months ago, my wife sent one of the men she’d been cheating on me with to my job with an illegal divorce decree to sign. That same night, the rest of her harem threw me out of my house and moved themselves in.

Five months ago, she took her own life; and the two partners who’d made themselves home in my house refused to leave, claiming the house was theirs.

At the advice of my lawyer, I put on a magic hat that said I was a landlord and they were month-to-month tenants who wouldn’t pay rent and did the song and dance routine of evicting people from my house.

This was right around the time my state implemented a moratorium on evictions. So now in addition to being the kind of asshole who would evict someone, I was the kind of asshole who had to have laws passed to keep me from doing harm. And the dipshits in my house reveled in that.

They were living for free in my house, that I was still paying the mortgage for, sending me regular death threats, while they hadn’t even finished moving in all of their stuff from their old apartment and I was living in an unfurnished 1BR...

sleeping on a pile of laundry because between all of the current and new expenses I couldn’t afford a mattress, but I was “that b@#$ and “that d&%e” and the evil capitalist.

And it want just them saying that or making the threats, either. It was their friends and family, people who I’d thought had been my friends, random looky-loos who saw their social media posts about it, and every now and then a garden-variety asshole who was passing by.

I cannot begin to describe how much it fd me up to have an eviction under my belt, during a pandemic, as the evictor. I cannot begin to describe how much it fd me up knowing the only way I could enforce the eviction order would be through calling the cops, after George Floyd.

Or seeing the damage those two dipshits had done to my home. Or the utter s@show that actually getting them physically out of the house turned into.

I have my house back. The people who took it from me are gone for now. Things are not and never will be back to normal, and in the end it almost certainly won’t have been worth it, but this was the outcome that would have hurt me the least.

What do YOU make of this story? Is OP TA?

Sources: Reddit
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