'AITA for telling my brother's girlfriend that he had a vasectomy?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my brother's girlfriend that he had a vasectomy?"
My brother (Mark 40) won the lottery when he was 20. It was $1,000 a week for life. He was young and wanted to travel. He dropped out of school and has spent his entire adulthood basically seeing the world.
He comes home to visit every few years and we FaceTime with him when he is near a signal. He doesn't travel first class or stay in expensive resorts so he has actually built up some nice savings.
He came home with a girlfriend, Hailey, 28, this year. They met when they got stuck in South America during the pandemic. She has been traveling since she graduated from university and she works out of a laptop.
I (f54) live in the same city where I was born. I love it here. I love being close to my parents and my grandchildren. And most of my siblings. Mark hated being the youngest of eight and always swore he would not have kids. Our parents were older when they had him and they didn't have the energy for him truth be told.
Mark came home when he was thirty and told is all that he had had a vasectomy and that he would not be contributing to the world population. Hailey is a pretty young thing and she is also intelligent and sweet. I can understand why anyone would fall in love with her.
We were having a family BBQ to celebrate mark being in town. There were maybe 30 people in my parents yard and house. I was talking to Hailey about her future plans now that the world opened up again. She said that she was ready to settle down and start a family.
I asked if they were planning on adopting from one of the countries that they had travelled to or if they would try in North America. She said they had talked about it and would be having at least one child of their own.
This may be where I fd up. I asked where Mark got his vasectomy reversed or if they were having in vitro fertilization. I know they can harvest sperm from a testicle even after a vasectomy. She went very quiet and went over to Mark. They spoke and they left.
Mark called me later that night to scream at me for ruining his life. He hadn't told her and he was planning on just continuing to travel and maybe adopt if they decided on it. He said I shared private medical information and that he never wanted to see me again.
I apologized over and over. I seriously had no way of knowing that he was planning a future with this girl without telling her a pretty big piece of the puzzle might be missing. I feel bad for him but I think he should have told her.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:
dagauj writes:
YTA absolutely. You should have spoken to your brother first before disclosing that info and now you want to cry and claim to be the victim.
babacarva writes:
ESH except for the gal. I mean, your brother's approach is pretty shitty and dishonest and you're right, he SHOULD have brought up his vasectomy (and his actual thoughts about bio kids) the moment they started having these conversations. But it's still not your place to say anything about his medical history and choices.
I think your bro is a much bigger asshole and it sounds like your muck up was accidental, for what it's worth. I can understand being peeved at you over it, but it seems a bit much to never want to speak to you again. I dunno, hopefully he mellows out and realizes he's really the bigger AH here.
rowcargelle writes:
Ok, so... this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion... but please let me explain. 1st: YES..., YOU are the @$$hole here. OK, so I get that this was a MISTAKE, & you didn't mean to end his relationship.
You deserve to be forgiven for it. You OBVIOUSLY, ASSUMED, that your brother is a RATIONAL individual & would have told his partner about something so fundamental. But, here's the thing... people are NOT rational.
They make decisions based on emotion & all sorts of convoluted dissonant thinking. You revealed PRIVATE MEDICAL INFORMATION about your brother to someone who was NOT his WIFE, & not yet YOUR family. (Just as a side note: this was a potentially criminal act, & your brother (maybe) has legal grounds to press charges, but definitely can sue you).
Maybe (once he was certain about proposing marriage), he would have told her, or just secretly gotten it reversed). You don't know, because you DID NOT ask HIM. Instead, you ended HIS relationship. YOU ARE the @$$hole here. You should be trying to make amends with your brother, & if possible patch things up between him & his partner.
nonnydogbite writes:
NTA it was an honest mistake to assume she knew because every normal, non malicious partner would disclose this information, especially when everybody knows. He is just pissed he got found out.
That being said your brother sounds like a selfish AH because he is obviously stringing her on, and based on the age difference even predatory. Dude is a rolling stone and has no intention on settling. Which is not a bad thing just don’t use other people.
kayark writes:
Absolutely NTA! You were having a quiet conversation with Hailey at a family gathering. You asked appropriate questions based on your knowledge of Mark loudly announcing to the family that he would not be procreating and what he did to ensure that.
Additionally, Mark never asked you to not tell Hailey about the vasectomy. While that still would be morally dubious because it's really awful to hide that from a potential life partner, you had no idea that he had not nor had planned to ever tell Hailey about his vasectomy.
You did not do any of this maliciously. Neither you nor Hailey made a big scene at the party. Your brother is definitely the AH by lying by omission to Hailey about the vasectomy and outright lying to her about future plans for family.
You did Hailey a huge favor by helping her discover this now instead of years from now. If Mark had his way, she might end up going under unnecessary medical procedures thinking she was the one with a fertility issue.
Or she might not have found out until well into her 30s and feel like she wasted her peak reproductive years on someone who never wanted to have kids.
themadbubbla writes:
You and him are both TA. You are because there are tons of variables, including reversing the vasectomy, etc. (as you mentioned), and that was not your info to share. You should have had a private conversation with your brother later to see what was up, and when he told you, given him an ultimatum to tell her, or that you would. He is an obvious asshole for withholding that information from her.
Update from OP:
UPDATE on telling my brother's girlfriend that he had a vasectomy after she told me they were planning on having kids.
My brother now refuses to visit our parents if I'm around because I accidentally told his girlfriend at the time that he had a vasectomy when she told me that they were trying for kids.
So it wasn't that he was planning on reversing his vasectomy or anything. He wanted to do the same as that poor woman's boyfriend. Just lead her on until it was too late for her to have kids.
He came by this summer with his girlfriend and I stayed away. I guess he told this one that he and I have a bad relationship and that I'm jealous of his "riches" LoL after his lottery win. I'm not going to do anything about it but I hope she finds out before he screws her future as well.
Sort of a funny thing though. His lottery money may run out soon. It turns out that he should have paid more attention. The money he won was $1,000 a week for life was actually only for 25 years.
He does have savings so he shouldn't be destitute or anything but he also does not have a pension or anything. I am interested to see what happens in four years.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Where are your parents on this? If I knew my sons were this manipulative and deceitful, I'd be disgusted. I'd also be telling every single woman he brings home (which means they'd vanish, I'm sure).
Yep. This is so wildly, disgustingly not ok. OPs parents are just as bad if they are allowing another girl to be deceived into losing her chance for her own children. wtf is wrong with these people
You might've spilled the beans, but it looks like his secret was bound to come out sooner or later anyway. It's cool that you're not trying to get involved, but hoping his girlfriend finds out shows you still care about her