Woman gets revenge on golden child brother; 'You're 30 now! GROW UP!' AITA? UPDATED 4X
When this woman shares the saga of getting revenge on her 30 yo golden child brother, she asks the internet:
"AITA, if I kick my brother (30M, the golden child)?"
While I(28F) was looking for a job, my brother (30) offered to help and I moved in with him. I was so grateful. I cleaned the house, prepared our meals, did everything around the house. My BF(29) felt responsible for me and brought bags of groceries everyday to compensate what I ate.
After a month, I threw away a trash bin swarming with worms. I replaced it with the exact same thing. I said, you're 30 now grow tf up. My brother told me I had no right and kicked me out. I moved in with my BF.
The next day my mother called. I never tell her anything. She said it's your fault. It is his house. You dont have right to his stuff. He is your brother, you gotta obey him. Not long after, I found an amazing job and house. BF and I moved in together.
I wanted to help my brother and told him that he could live with us for couple of months, save money and move into a better place. I told him not to worry about the rent and other utilities, because we are family. He did nothing around the house.I bought a TV my brother became obsessed with.
He would watch TV all day everyday. One day I told my brother dinner was ready. He turned the TV on and left the room. I was laying the table I opened a news channel. He came back and complained, switched the channel back. I told him we should watch something that we can all enjoy.
He insisted that he came first, we were gonna watch what he wanted to watch. I told him to switch back.He did not.I told him to give me the remote control and he did not. After demanding the remote control the 10th time, he threw it on the floor. I told him he cannot throw stuff in my house because it did not belong to him.
I told him he was not doing anything in the house to help but at least let us rest and enjoy our day while we can. For the context, my BF and I both study for our post gradutes, have jobs and work in the house.
He screamed and cursed. Next day my mother called and asked what happened and I refused to answer. She then told me it was my fault and told me to be polite to him because he was a guest. He was my brother and I gotta obey him.
2 weeks ago I broke my ankle. Last friday I was working on my assignments with this excruciating pain in my ankle! My mother called and I refused to make a comment on the fight.
She then started to cry saying brother had to order take out. We did not have food. I then realized I was so busy working and trying to make it to the deadline that I forgot to eat. It was not important of course, my brother had to order take out!
Unthinkable! Today my brother said 'As your brother I came and am apologizing for cursing at you. I know I am right in the fight so I expect you to apologize. I told him I did nothing wrong and was not going to apologize.
He told me I was sick in the head. He was saying things as if my mother was talking. He told me I had narcissistic personality disorder. He was done and I was dead to him. My BF told me my brother suffers from 'favoritism'.
AITA, if i want to cut contact with them and kick him out of my house?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
chrnique writes:
NTA, kick him out. You don't need to obey him, he is freeloading on your hospitality and behaving poorly towards you. He's no longer a guest but a heavy burden. What guest throws a remote control in temper?
Your mother is doing him no favours by spoiling him and always taking his side. Kick him out first and be ready to tell your mother to take a hike when she calls crying that you "disobeyed and disrespected him". Respect is earned. You are not dependent on your brother so you have no reason to obey him.
purrlikebunny writes:
NTA. He told you that you have narcissistic personality disorder? Honestly, that sounds more like your mom and your brother is her golden child. Sadly, I see this a lot in my narcissistic abuse survivor support group.
Parents favoring one child over the other and gaslighting the cast out child, and the golden child taking on those same narcissistic traits.
I’d kick his duff out and go as little contact as you could with the both of them, because if it’s indeed NPD, then neither relationship is going to get better.
Just be prepared, because if you do kick your brother out, then hell will open up and you’ll be subjected to wrath for having dared disrespect the golden child that way. I went through something similar, but with my dad and stepbrother.
holliwood9 writes:
NTA. I am screaming at this injustice. Kick him out now., Immediately. Get up, open his door, and tell him to start packing, NOW. Get out of my house. Get the F away from me and leave the TV, its MINE.
If he isn't gone within the hour call the police. When your mom calls tell her to STFU, she raised a narcissistic entitled brat that hasn't lifted a finger to help you or your BF. He is moving back home with YOU, MOM. You can be his little puppet. And send him, and your mom, a bill for everything you can think of.
ktmama writes:
NTA. Kick your brother to your mom's house. Tell your mom, "I think Brother is really depressed and missing you. You should come take him for a day out." When he is gone, pack his shit up and leave it outside the front door.
When you're done, text them both. "Brothers stuff is on the front porch. You have 24 hours to collect it. Don't contact me again." Call the police if there are any issues.
Your brother has been raised into a narcissist. He truly believes that he should be able to do anything he wants, even when it's your stuff in your home. He and your mom are going to call you a selfish monster no matter what you do here. Put yourself in the situation where you don't have to deal with their toxic garbage.
hfit writes:
NTA... why do you have to OBEY your brother that is really messed up. Honestly you should have kicked him out long ago. He isn't a child and needs to grow up. Him throwing a tantrum and throwing things on the floor and refusing to give you YOUR PROPERTY was already really messed up.
Worse is you are enabling your brother to also be rude and downright an asshole to your boyfriend. Your boyfriend pays rent, he works, he cooks and cleans I assume so why is your brother allowed to be an asshole to him?
neuroblaster writes:
NTA So, you're telling me that as a guest, you have no right to stake any claims in your brother's home, including doing sanitary things like replacing a gross trashcan (something that, unless he was breeding worms, benefits him, and I assume you did at your own cost).
But when he's a guest in your home, he can stake a claim to your TV and throw shitfits when you want to use it? Family or not, kick his ass to the curb because that's what he did to you.
physicalplant4 writes:
NTA. Kick his ass out. Let him live with your mother. He expected you to follow his rules at his house but doesn't show you any respect at all for letting him live with you rent free.
Your brother let you stay with him but you did so much around the house for him. He does absolutely nothing to help you and your boyfriend.
He EXPECTS you to cook him dinner. If he didn't, he wouldn't have complained to his mommy that he had to order out and spend his money on food that you should be providing him. You will be much happier with that leach gone.
smileycanadian writes:
NTA. Your family is selfish, entitled, and manipulative. Your brother and mother are definitely TA. They’re ganging up on you and twisting things around to use guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want.
Your brother is an able adult. He can perfectly care for himself. No one should ever talk to or treat someone the way he treats you. You are NOT his servant. To expect you to obey him is absurd.
The best thing you can do for him is kick him out, tell him why, and then go no contact. He and your Mom will throw tantrums, say you’re abandoning family, and other nasty things.
Truth is, they haven’t acted as your family in a long time, or possibly ever. They don’t respect you or care about your feelings. They see you as a servant. Go no contact with both of them so they can learn there are consequences to their action. Otherwise, they’ll simply keep treating you poorly.
And now, OP's first update:
I (28F) have been reading AITA and relationship_advice posts for over a month now. And today decided to make a post and ask strangers how to fix things if I am in the wrong. Here we go.
My parents got divorced when I was around 13, because my father(59) cheated on my mother(59). I am no contact with my father for over 10 years. My mother, for some reason blamed me for their divorce.
She used to come to my bed late at night, shook me and told me I was the cause of her failed marriage. We never had a good relationship, but this divorce made everything far worse for us.
Whenever we had a problem, she would say that I am sick in the head, crazy, mental and was in urgent need for help. As a 14 year old kid who did not know better, I actually did seek for help and made an appointment with a therapist.
The therapist told me that she needed to see my mother too. I dont know what the therapist told my mother but we never visited her again. Sometimes, my mother would tell me that the therapist told her I was crazy and a psychopath.
If it was the case, why didn't my mother help me by taking me to the therapist. Isn't it what mothers do? Help their kids?
I have a brother (30M), the golden child, who got all the nice things, praises and whatnot when we grew up like any other golden child. I am not going to bother you with how he is the golden child and I am the unwanted kid, or it would take forever.
My brother and I are university graduates. I studied in a foreign country for post graduate, and last year I came back and started looking for a job in my home country.
I wanted to work in the same city where I studied in university, where my long-term boyfriend lives, where all my friends are, and of course where my mother does not exist.
While I was looking for a job, my brother offered to help and I moved in with him. He used to live alone in an old student apartment. I was so grateful, that I cleaned the house, prepared our meals, did the laundry, in short pretty much did everything around the house.
My long term boyfriend (29M) are good friends with my brother. Bf used to come for dinner everynight and we would hang out.
My BF felt responsible for me and brought bags of groceries everyday to compensate what he and I ate. I am a very independent woman and did my best not to become a burden on my brother both financially and emotionally.
After a month, during the holidays my brother went to see our mother while I went with my BF to visit his parents, who are amazing people btw. We left a day earlier than my brother and told him specifically to take out the garbage before leaving because we were gonna be away for 10 days in the middle of the summer heat.
We arrived a day before and guess what, he left the trash bin as it is, on the counter. When I looked at it, I saw hundreds of worms swarming in it. I was cleaning the house and thew the bin away. We bought a new trash bin, mind you, it was the exact same bin with the same color.
When my brother came a day later, I told him what happened. He started yelling, his face turned red with veins pumping and walking on me. He was screaming at me and blamed me for making decisions in his home without asking him first. It was his house, I did not have the right to throw the bin away.
It did not matter if it was a 2$ bin, it was his. I could not believe my ears. I was being yelled at for a trash bin that I replaced. I told him I would do the same if it happens again because it was gross.
He then told me to leave his house. I did and moved in with my BF and his roommate. The next day my mother called me and asked what happened. She asks these questions but she never listens.
She believes what she wants to believe. Me trying to explain to her my side does not mean anything. So, I told her I did not want to talk about what happened. She says it is your fault. It is his house. You dont have right to his stuff. He is your brother, you gotta obey him.'
I lived with my Bf and his roommate for 5 months. They both are lovely people and never made me feel unwanted even for a second. It was a tough time for me, no house, no job, no money.
Not long after, I found an amazing job, found an amazing house and Bf and I moved in together. I wanted to help my brother like how he helped me. His house was falling apart, old, dirty, inconvenient and pretty expensive for only one person.
I told him that he could live with us for couple of months, save money and move into a better place. I told him not to worry about the rent and other utilities, because we are family, right? this is what family does for each other right? It was a good call cause a week later our country went crazy with corona virus. He moved in with us just in time.
My BF and I started buying furniture, a happy lamp there, a little table here...It became our house that we built ourselves. My brother never cooked, cleaned, bought groceries or offered any help around the house.
I felt it was inconvenient but he was our guest, I was repaying my debt to him. 2 weeks later I bought a TV for all of us, this is important. My brother became obsessed with this TV. He would watch movies, documentaries and shows all day everyday. We were working from home so he had all the time in the world.
One day my BF and I were preparing the meal in the kitchen, I told my brother that the food was ready. He turned the TV on and left the room. (We eat in the living room) While I was laying the table I switched the channel to a news channel.
He then came back and complained about the news and switched the channel back. I told him we should all watch something that we can all enjoy. He insisted that he came first, we were gonna watch what he wanted to watch.
I told him to switch back. He did not. I told him to give me the remote control and he did not. After demanding the remote control the 10th time, he threw it away to the floor.
I told him he cannot throw stuff in my house because it did not belong to him. I told him he was not doing anything in the house to help but at least let us rest and enjoy our life while we can. For the context, my BF and I both study for our post gradutes, have jobs and work in the house.
My brother got up and started yelling. He screamed that my job is easy but his job is very difficult. He was working his ass off and we were just writing e-mails for the show.
I told him I was not gonna apologize for having a nice job (not easy per se but pays well). I worked hard for what I have. He then belittles me and my achievements. Not gonna lie, I did the same. I belittled his achievements. He then cursed at me, which is a taboo for me btw.
My mother curses at me for the simplest, stupid things so it became a taboo for me, something I would never do to my family. I find it very rude and unforgivable. We stopped talking. Next day my mother called me, asked what happened and I refused to answer.
She then told me it was my fault and told me to be polite to him because he was a guest in our house. We made him uncomfortable. He was my brother and I gotta obey him. If there wasnt a lockdown she would have come and placed his child into a better house. A 30 year old man child. Hypocrite? Yeah, I know.
It has been 3 months since we stopped talking. 2 weeks ago I broke my ankle and started working from home again. Last friday was a tough day for me. I had assignments lined up, excel sheets I needed to work on and this constant, excruciating pain in my ankle!
Late at night my mother called and asked me to listen to her about my brother. I told her I can listen but only listen. Nothing she says can change what I think and I refused to make a comment on the fight we had with my brother.
She then started to cry and told me my brother had to order take out because there was not food in the house. I then realized I was so busy working and trying to make it to the deadline that I forgot to eat. It was not important of course, my brother had to order take out! Unthinkable!
Today I was laying down and watching TV (he stoped watching it after the fight), my brother came to me and said 'As your brother I came and am apologizing for cursing at you. I know I am rigght in the fight so I expect you to apologize'. I told him I did nothing wrong and was not going to apologize.
He said that I was 100% in the wrong. When I refused, he told me I was sick in the head. I was crazy and ill. He was saying things as if my mother was talking. He told me I had narcissistic personality disorder.
I was selfish, spoiled, self-centered and 'all the dirty things' as he claimed. He told me he was done and I was dead to him. I asked my bf what he thought. He told me my brother suffers from 'favoritism'.
I remember that 14 year old girl now. Should i do what i did years go? or am i being manipulated into thinking I am mentally ill as they claimed? I usually blame myself for everything. I went to 2 more therapists one overseas, one here.
After our talks, they told me I was not mentally ill. I dont know. If someone tells you something for years, you start to doubt yourself. What if they are right? What if i am right? What do i do?
OP's second update:
After reading your comments and discussing them with my BF, I decided to call my mother and explain what really happened. So, I called, tried to tell the story from my perspective. I started off by saying, I am not her and her world views do not necessarily reflect mine.
She interrupted me 100 times as she does.She did not even try to see things from my side. As we all guessed she sided with my brother. It was an 1 hour call so I might skip certain things but I remember her blaming me for leaving food in the refrigerator for my brother.
Apparently, paying the bills, cleaning, doing the laundry and cooking are not enough, I also have to call him to the table and make sure he does eat. Her exact words were "you are treating him as if he is a stray dog."
I will let this sink in for you guys. Surprisingly, she did not know my brother does not pay for anything. It is very convenient my brother forgot to tell her this. She denied always siding with him. I told her to give me 1 example when she sided with me. She could not. Well, of course.
At the end of our call, I told her I am used to not having a mother in my life but if she truly loves my brother she should stop spoiling him. He never had a Gf, doesnt have friends and is the most selfish person I have ever seen. He expects everything to be served on a silver platter.
She was shocked as if she never realized that my brother doesnt have anyone beside us. I told her to think about what I told her and call me back in 2 hours if she agrees with me. She did call to my surprise and told me that I am a very compassionate and a good hearted girl.
This could be the very first time she ever said something nice about me. I thanked her and asked for a favor but she will have to accept beforehand. She agreed and I told her to stay out of our arguments with my brother.
He always thinks he is in the right because she sides with him unconditionally. It is always 2 vs 1 against me. We will see if she keeps her promise.
Later that night I walked in my brother's room and told him I was hurt not because he threw the TV remote or not following my rules, but because I don't deserve to be called names in my own house at the age of 28.
He apologized for swearing and screaming and agreed not to do that anymore. I told him I am not the sole decision maker in our house and I have to respect my BF's wishes as well.
Since he has been a burden for us emotionally, financially and physically we both appreciate if he could find his own place as soon as possible. I told him even though he kicked me out, I will never do that to him. BF told him he can stay with us until he finds his own place.
He is still with us. He tries to help around the house. Yesterday he asked if he could watch TV. LOL. BF knows he is a keeper now. Thank you all for your kind words and I apologize if I offended anyone in any way.
OP's 3rd update:
After writing my first update, I asked my brother if he intends to follow our plan for him to move out by the end of august.
He raised his eyebrows and kept quiet. I told him we had an agreement, we showed respect and patience, but he did not change one bit. He got offended and left the room. He said, ‘There is a right time for everything’.
He already has a job that he has been working for 3 years but he applied for another job and he is currently waiting for a response. I didn’t even know he applied for a new job until recently. He is reluctant to move out before an answer, so he wants to wait and see. I totally understand why he does what he does but…
5 minutes later mother called and told me we kicked him out. I cannot understand how in the whole wide world I ended up being the bad guy who kicked her brother out. I told her repeatedly that I did not kick him out, she did not listen as always. I told her again that my brother does not pay or do anything.
My bonuses were cut because of my ankle. The project my boyfriend was working got suspended for 4 months. Moreover, BF is about to finish his thesis, so he is very stressed out.
We are having financial difficulties and I am spending my emergency fund; my brother knows this and still did not even offer to pay for anything. He even told me he saved up 30k since he moved in with us. I don’t want his money. I don’t need his money. But it would be nice if he offered.
Mother told me she is going to tell him to pay our rent. I told her to stay out of our arguments like we agreed. She believes she should meddle in our lives as if we are children.
I understand she tries to help but at the end of the day she makes everything worse. I feel she doesnt care about solving the problem, but she wants to find the guilty kid (it is always me).
Next day when we came home and saw my brother cooking (brother works from home). He cooked for us for the following days and told me that he can cover the rent and utilities.
I kindly declined his offer. I did not tell him this, but I know for a fact that if I accept his money my mother and brother will remind me this for the rest of my life. They have this urge to remind you every little thing they do for you.
Couple of days ago my brother and I got into one of our silly arguments. He again started yelling and screaming. I just kept quiet and watched him. I tried to understand why he was so angry.
I asked, ‘why are you yelling at me as if I am your enemy?’ He stopped and started crying. He told me that he thinks he is misunderstood, and it frustrates him. At that moment, my heart ached, and I hugged him.
He cried on my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek. We ended the argument with smiles. Yesterday he took me out for shopping, and we shared a dinner just the two of us.
I know many of you are disappointed with me. I am one of those people who believes others’ mistreating us might be a cry for help. I am trying to be a good sister. Thank you!
P.S: 5 mins after writing this update BF asked for a date again and he got offended and did not respond. I keep asking him everyday to see if he ever gives me an answer.
BF said he doesn't have the patience and will be staying with his friend until my brother moves out. Now, I find myself pressuring him to move out and it sickens me. I do not want to kick him out and turn into him! What do I do?
FINAL UPDATE:
My brother moved into his new house. He says he is still paying for his new furniture. He even invited us for dinner. I am still with my BF and we are so happy just as the two of us. My mother on the other hand is upset that I 'kicked him out' before the corona vaccine. Everything is fine. It is a happy ending. :D