Woman's rock-solid 5 year relationship comes crumbling down in ONE NIGHT. 'Where do I GO from here?!' UPDATED

When this woman is shocked by her BF's reveal, she tells the internet:

"Our rock solid relationship imploded in a single night and I’m completely blindsided?"

My partner (25m) is my (26f) rock and I’m his. Literally he tells me that all the time including yesterday. We’ve been together for five years and have a truly wonderful relationship. Always talking, laughing, comfortable with one another. Able to communicate healthily even when we disagree.

After surviving abuse as a child and struggling with unhealthy romantic relationships in the past, the fact that we love each other in a respectful, secure and profoundly healthy way is truly my biggest blessing and I wake up every day so happy and grateful for him. He is an incredible man with so much drive, intelligence, kindness, and gifts to give the world.

About a year and a half ago it came up for the first time that we saw ourselves getting married one day. It was such a beautiful moment and it rocked my world to have been vulnerable, said those words, and have him say them too.

Since then it’s been something incredibly happy that I get to hold in my heart and look forward to. The subject has come up sporadically since then but I haven’t wanted to push it too far since we are young and it is very much an “eventually” thing.

Both of our parents are divorced and his come from money. He got a lot of strong advice growing up not to marry young and to protect his assets, to see it from a more financial view than I ever have thought of it.

Nevertheless the thought makes me happy and we often daydream about the future we’ll build together: the little house in New Hampshire we hope to buy and the dogs and chickens we’ll have.

These are conversations he participates in and brings up on his own all the time. I want to be able to talk casually about the marriage aspect, too - go to bed with a sleepy “can’t wait to marry you” or “love of my life” - but for some reason recently whenever the subject has come up he’s clammed up and made it feel really serious.

This culminated maybe two months ago with a really weird conversation in which I sensed he might not have processed what “marriage” really means in the way that I had, and that he wasn’t ready to be talking about this in the way that I was or as much as he had let on.

I told him I don’t want to put a gun to his head, this is just something that makes me happy to think about and talk about, and I tell him everything. I said I love him for him; I’d wait as long as he needs; but that I firmly didn’t want to bring up the subject again until he was comfortable discussing it. I wanted to relieve the pressure on him, and I haven’t mentioned it since.

Well, yesterday we spent a really lovely day getting lunch and hiking with my family. They live far away so we don’t see them very often. My stepsister and her fiancé were there as well, and of course there was a little bit of light conversation about their upcoming wedding.

My bf was his usual friendly, easygoing self. I noticed he seemed quiet on the way home and later that evening so I asked if he was worried about work but he just said he was tired from a long day traveling.

I made him a drink, kissed him on the forehead like I always do and promised we could do whatever he wanted to relax that night. Just did what I normally do when I can tell he’s stressed, try to show empathy and take care of him.

But then as I’m making dinner he comes over to me and drops this bomb. He came over to me crying and said spending time with an engaged couple and even barely talking about their wedding had sent him into a panic and he didn’t know if he could ever see himself getting married. I was completely blindsided.

I tried to parse what he was saying but it was like my brain was stuck. Evidently he had been locking himself in his office at work all week crying about this. I kept asking him why he would say he wanted to marry me if he didn’t. He said he was lying, basically.

That he wanted to give me what he knew I wanted to make me happy. I could only just stare at him open mouthed. I kept trying to pinpoint if he was saying to me, “I don’t think I’ll be ready to get married for a long time” or “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to get married” and I really don’t think he knows himself.

I don’t think he has put any kind of mature thought into marriage at all. It was like talking to a scared child. He kept saying stuff about not knowing where his career will lead or if he’ll have money (he has a great job, an outstanding network, and is definitely not poor. Neither of us are) and I was just like.

We’re a partnership. You wanted to be with me yesterday, you want to be with me today, do you want to be with me tomorrow? Yes, he said. I said well that’s all what matters, we have a life we love and we’ll take on the future together when it comes.

I’m devastated. He left for his mother’s house and I don’t know when he’ll be home. I can not take another sleeping pill or my heart will stop but I can’t sleep a wink. I literally spiked a 100 degree fever and spent all night sweating and freezing. I had no idea it was possible to be in so much pain it makes you physically sick.

This person is the bedrock of my life. We have ALWAYS had rock solid confidence that we can trust each other, be vulnerable around each other, and be our full authentic selves without inhibition or fear of judgment We share everything together and we are best friends.

He even said that over and over as he sobbed and told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to get married. Hours ago I had the most beautiful and solid relationship in the world. Now I don’t know if we’re going to break up.

I’m reeling. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back by my safe space. The earth fell out from under me and I don’t even know what to think any more.

TLDR; my boyfriend of five years held in all his fears about marriage and commitment and they all exploded out at once, and now our amazing and healthy relationship could completely sink out of nowhere.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

nigtearm writes:

It's a bit hard when someone is lying to you. I'm not saying this 100% happened here, but my ex and I didn't want kids. I was more ambivalent about them and would tentatively being up "hey maybe in a few years when we're settled we could look at fostering or adopting" and he'd shut it down.

It wasn't a deal breaker for me, but I wanted to see if his opinion had changed as it somewhat does and we had been together for 6 years and at the time I was approaching the end of my training. Even his friend's and coworkers noted how much he didn't like kids.

Anyway he now lives with his 7 year younger affair partner who has a kid, and wants another one as a relationship non-negotiable.

He didn't like the idea of marriage, and when we were looking at buying a house once said that he considered buying a house a bigger commitment than marriage. Didn't stop him from having an affair whilst we literally had offers in on houses.

Someone people can't be honest with themselves. Some people can't be honest because they're comfortable and speaking the truth makes them feel icky, so they just go with the flow and lie.

jauuy writes:

Eww. Reading how she writes the first half tells me that she probably lives unrealistically. She wasn't seeing him or the relationship from a clear lens but rather extremely rose tinted one.

Anyone with a lick of observation would be able to pick up on if someone has reservations but she egotistically says she's laying off to give him space as if she's the perfect partner who wouldn't ever push him for answers.

Stop. That's not you being a perfect partner. That's you pushing aside a problem to continue ignorant bliss. She says all this pretty and colorful language to paint a beautiful picture but to me it stinks of missing subtext that she's hiding.

agayu2 writes:

I really like how you see and describe these situations. I hadn't thought of it like that, it is catfishing! I no so long past broke up with a guy who lied so much to pretend to be something he wasn't to be with me. It sounds sweet, kinda, but he was cruel and tormented me, to a degree.

I felt bad for breaking up with him after they all came to light and he said some cruel things that showed who he was, and that wasn't someone my ideals aligned with. I sat down and filled a whole exercise book with an "ex files" for myself, so I wouldn't be drawn back in and if I ever considered it, I could break out that book.

And I'm glad I did because it's gone a couple of years and he still messages me begging to talk, fun fact, blocked calls can still leave voicemail! Who the absolute fk thought that was a good feature!

Although you may not be able to message op, you helped me process a previously unrealised and unprocessed part of that break up, and another one where the guy said he found it exhausting pretending to be what I expected of him.

Except I am not a demanding person, if anything (especially when I was dating him) I made excuses for everything. I was a people pleaser, back then, but now I see, it's just a form and part of the abuse.

Sadly it's made me afraid to date. I don't feel able to just explain what I'm after on a dating site, because I'm afraid someone will just use that information to pretend to be what I want. But I'm happy, and focusing on myself and building who I am into the marvellous creature I aspire to be.

ajaghgher writes:

This guy really reminds me of my mom in the way he puts up a mask and hides behind whatever the partner wants in their partner. It's always been a family joke that her relationships would only last 4 years, unless they got married, then they would get 4 years from the moment after the wedding.

Thing is, we never knew why, and the family have either never asked her or she haven't answered, but she and I had a talk about it after the last guy left her.

Turns out she mirrors/masks and fit whatever it is that the partner wants and they're good for a few years, but after a few years the mask slips and she's becoming more true to how she actually is.

But from the guys perspective, the person he fell in love with suddenly just slowly disappears and becomes someone else, so in the end they leave. And she used to be scared of being alone, so she tried to find a new guy after a breakup as fast as she could, jumping from one guy to the next.

Seriously until she realized all of this herself and got to a point where she can stand on her own legs alone - which she has for the last 4-5 years, the longest period she's ever been single in her life (besides the 2 years I lived with her) was 6 months...

As her daughter it was tough growing up with having to be introduced to a new guy every 4 years, but luckily I didn't live with her until I was 14 and before that it was every other weekend visit.

But when we did live together (the guy she was married to when I moved in left her after like a year so we moved out, they're still great friends to this day tho) I became her support like her bfs used to be, instead of her being my support and mom. Luckily stuff has gotten much better and we've had tons of deep conversations about all of it since I became an adult!

aghau999 writes:

I feel so bad for the OP, but I wonder how much she was pushing for marriage without realizing. When my current husband (and even with my ex) and I talked about marriage, it came up that it was something we both wanted to do.

But neither of us did what OP did, she seemed almost obsessed with it once they discussed it one time. How much of the “we talked about it” was actually her dreaming/planning/preparing for it?

The way she gushes about potentially getting married felt like how people feel when they are actually engaged. It seems like she jumped from “I could see us married in the future” to “we are days away from tying the knot”. She might not have been as subtle with her excitement as she thinks.

Her excitement, while adorable, may have also been too much and too fast for him. (I have a sister that was with a guy and they one ONE discussion about marriage and she suddenly went into wedding planning hyperdrive.

And not in the “let me check out pricing so we have an idea of what a budget would look like” way but in a “oh my gosh my wedding is two months away and I have so much to do!” way…

He panicked because that wasn’t what they had actually talked about and they had already had multiple discussions that marriage was off the table until she got her shit together health wise and financial wise and he got out of his parents house. They lasted maybe another 3 months before he ended it. He loved her so much but she ran wild with the marriage talk…

Update 1:

I just want to say thank you to every person who commented. I was in an absolute state while writing my original post, and truly thought 8 people would see it. I read every comment.

The kind and empathetic advice I received gave me a little bit of hope and peace as I waited, and that was basically the only reason I was able to eat lunch those first two days. I want to thank all of you for that.

The long and short of it is, he left me. I called him the next day asking when he would come home - he’d told me he needed a day to think - but he was talking like we were broken up. I asked him to at least tell me we’re still together. He wouldn’t.

So yeah. He just torched it in pretty much an instant. I had been leaning a lot on the kind words I received from folks who reassured me that one fight does not need to derail everything we’ve built over the last five years.

I took the perspective that the question of marriage was something that we’d need to discuss seriously and hopefully through therapy to arrive at what both of us want. I had no idea he would just upend the table with no warning, without ever expressing his feelings or giving us the chance to address it with even a single conversation.

So many of the comments I received revolved around the question, is not marrying him a dealbreaker for you? Would you be ok with simply a long term relationship? I don’t know. I would have to search my soul for that answer. But I didn’t even get the chance. He made that choice for me. Five beautiful years and he just fg left.

Needless to say, there were a million better ways to do this while honoring his fears and feelings while still showing me an ounce of respect as his partner and someone who loves him. This owed a conversation, and even if we still reached the same conclusion, I would understand. But this?It’s not what I deserve.

I did see him one night and we have been texting. He said all of this awful stuff about how he was just trying to tell me everything I wanted to hear and how I wouldn’t like the person he really is underneath all of his people pleasing.

He’s got a lot of this “don’t talk about it, just run” in his family, including in his parents relationships. My partner has always said he doesn’t respect this kind of behavior and talked vehemently about how his values are different. Then he just did the same thing.

Although when I wrote my original post I wanted nothing more than to continue living our happy day to day together, but given this entire nightmare, space is the only thing that can do anything for either of us at this point.

He has no idea what he’s feeling or how to talk about it in a healthy way. My dad had the simplest take and yet said it best: he’s immature. He needs to work on himself, and I hope he does. As for me, I’d be an idiot to still want to marry him knowing this is the kind of thing he’s capable of.

So, we’ve got to break our lease. Apartment hunting while still reeling from this 180 flip of my life has been terrible. We moved to this city together, and pretty much every friend I have I met through him, so I’m really scared it will mean losing a lot of other people I love too.

It’s going to be expensive and miserable to live on my own, and I’m still grieving my sweet love and the life I thought we were going to have together. I gave five years of my life and so much of myself to being one half of that partnership -

I never wanted to be on my own again and now I am. I still love him, but I can’t wait around while he fixes himself, or pine foolishly hoping one day he’ll wake up and be ready for me. I don’t want to stand on my own two feet, but that’s just what I have to do.

My question now is, how do I move on? If/when we do eventually talk, what can I even say? TLDR; He left and a lot of people were right, I didn’t have the relationship I thought I had.