Woman 'ruins' New Year's Eve by refusing to 'join the fun,' 'I didn't want to be DD again.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for ruining my family’s New Year’s Eve by refusing to 'join the fun' because I didn’t want to be the DD again?"

I (26F) need some serious perspective. I’m starting to think I might be the asshole, but I still feel like I’m in the right lol. Every New Year’s Eve, my family has a big party at my aunt and uncle’s house and every year, without fail, I end up being the DD. Don’t get me wrong I love my family, but it’s starting to bug me. It’s been like this since I was 19, even before I was legally allowed to drink.

I don’t drink much—maybe a glass of wine or a beer, but I don’t get plastered. I’m fine with driving people home if they need it, but for the past few years, everyone expects me to not drink so I can drive them back. Every year, it’s the same: “Oh, can you drive? You’re not drinking anyway!” I always say yes because I don’t want to let anyone down.

Fast forward to this year’s New Year’s Eve. I told my family ahead of time I wasn’t going to be the DD anymore. I just wanted to enjoy the night, have a couple of drinks, and not be responsible for getting everyone home. I even told my cousin who usually gets really sloshed that I wasn’t driving this year, and she was fine with it.

When I got to the party, it was the usual chaos. People were drinking, laughing, and having a good time. I was enjoying myself, but around 11, my cousin came over and asked if I was ready to drive everyone home. I reminded her I’m not driving tonight, I’m here to enjoy the party. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Come on, you always drive! Don’t be a b.” Which like, wtf?

I tried to explain calmly that I wasn’t being a b, just that I wasn’t going to be the chauffeur anymore. Then, my aunt overheard and pulled me aside. She lectured me, saying, “We all agreed last year you’d be driving. You know how much we rely on you. Everyone else is too tipsy, and Ubering is so unsafe. Just drive this one time, for the family.”

I felt a ton of pressure but refused I told her I’m not their chauffeur and wasn’t going to do it again just because no one else could figure out their own ride. My aunt got upset, saying I was being selfish and that we’re family. She said I’m the only one who doesn’t get "too drunk," so it makes sense for me to help out. I told her I had already had three beers, so I wasn’t even legally supposed to drive myself.

That’s when I snapped. I told them it’s not my job to be their DD every year just because I’m the only one who doesn’t get blackout drunk. They needed to figure out their own rides this time. Then I got up and left. I felt bad walking out, but I didn’t want to be a doormat anymore.

I spent the rest of New Year’s Eve at home, watching Netflix and eating leftover pasta with my boyfriend. My family texted me, calling me dramatic, selfish, and saying I ruined the night. They said I was being “super sensitive” and that everyone was “disappointed” in me. Everyone's demanding an apology out of me even now. And by the way, I got home perfectly safe by Uber. But anyways, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

EmceeSuzy said:

You are NTA. Your family is gross. But why didn't you boyfriend spend NYE with you???

One-Warthog3063 said:

NTA. I would have said nothing and simply left after the first cousin called me a b. And I'd simply start leaving any family gathering when the rest start to get sloshed, say "I'm going to go home, I feel a headache coming on." to the host, then leave before they can reply.

bill-schick said:

NTA. Your aunt is full of BS to claim Uber is unsafe, more likely she is simply CHEAP!!!! You told them ahead of time and they all conveniently forgot and again are all too CHEAP to call Uber or Lyft, too lazy too walk, or to scared to stay overnight.

Fair_Actuator_1245 said:

NTA. Stand your ground; it's not your job to be their annual chauffeur!

Yayzeus said:

Just wait until next December when they miraculously all forgive you and ask if you're coming to the New Year's party...NTA.

Comfortable-One8520 said:

NTA. As someone who often gets lumbered with being the sober driver because I don't usually drink, it still bothers me that it's always taken for granted. There have been occasions when I'd have liked a drink but everyone starts on their beers, wine etc without asking me first and I have to forego mine because who else is going to drive.

UPDATE:

Before I get onto that I want to address some popular questions from my last post. Some people got confused and asked similar questions so I thought it might be nice to answer them here.

How do I give everyone a ride home? My family lives about an hour and a half from my aunt's house, so I'd fill my car with everyone I could and take them home. The next day, they'd take their spouses cars to pick up the ones they left. Stupid I know.

How did I get home? I Ubered. Why was my cousin asking to leave at 11? She was drunk and probably had no idea what time it was. My aunt overheard me getting a little upset and pulled me aside, which sparked everything.

Update time: I ended up sending a text to our family group chat, including those who didn't make it to the party but heard about what happened. I'll copy and paste what I said here:

"Hey everyone, I’m not going to apologize for what happened on New Year’s Eve. I told you all well in advance that I wasn’t going to be the designated driver this year, and I expected you to respect that. I’m not anyone’s personal chauffeur, and I’m done being treated like I’m responsible for everyone else’s lack of planning.

When (Cousin) called me a bitch for not driving, that was uncalled for. And Aunt (Name), lecturing me about being selfish and ruining the night because I chose to enjoy myself instead of taking on that responsibility again? I love you all, but I can't be your punching bag anymore.

I’m not going to keep letting myself be the one who sacrifices for everyone else’s convenience. I’ve done it for years, and I’m done. Next year I think I’ll be spending New Year's somewhere else. I wish you all safe rides home and hope you'll be able to figure something out. I'll be taking some space from everyone and hope you will understand."

I then made the painful decision of blocking my parents who have been calling me terrible names and making me feel like complete shit since this happened. I never realized how dark my childhood was with all the gaslighting. My parents are probably the reason I have such severe anxiety.

My sister and brother are on my side and equally pissed off at our family so I still got them at least. I really do want to thank you all. I've always known something was off with my family, but I never realized how much I was taken for granted. How unloved I felt until now. Thank you for helping me realize that I'm worth more.

And to end on a positive note my boyfriend is now my fiancé. A few days after my post he proposed! His original plan was to take me to see some cutesy light displays in our town after I got home and propose there-which made my heart melt a little since I knew he was so tired after working lol-but when he saw me walk in crying, he read the room and switched things up.

When I was feeling better he took me to dinner and proposed there. I have no idea how the wedding will go, or if my parents will be there, but I'm excited to spend it with the people who love and appreciate me.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

TinyMiracleCoco said:

Congrats on your engagement and standing up for yourself. Family drama can be tough, but it's important to prioritize your own well-being. Here's to a happy and drama-free New Year's Eve next year!

DH-Canada said:

That text to the family group is AWESOME! Clear, respectful setting of boundaries. Clear, respectful communication of how you felt. Expressing love to the same people you’re setting limits with. An absolute MASTER CLASS!

Any reasonable person could only respond with acknowledgement and an apology. Congratulations on your engagement! Communicate like this in your marriage and you guys will be off to a stellar, happy life together.

mca2021 said:

Congratulations. It's so nice to read someone who's excited about being engaged without an elaborate affair for the proposal. My Ex's family is really dysfunctional but blood was everything. I told my kids "there's your blood family and then there's your soul family, those that love and support you.

Surround yourself with your soul family, which can include blood." Get yourself into therapy to help you with your anxiety and to learn your self worth and self respect.

BeeJackson said:

NTA - People hate when they can’t use you.

Curl8200 said:

Congratulations!! And I love how you stood up for yourself!

velvetysiin said:

NTA. You set boundaries, ditched the toxic drama, and came out with a fiancé who actually values you. Your family can Uber their guilt trips next year—cheers to starting fresh with people who matter!