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Woman not sure what to do when she runs into my older 'nightmare' ex from college. UPDATED

Woman not sure what to do when she runs into my older 'nightmare' ex from college. UPDATED

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"I [29F] had a nightmare relationship with an older man [45M] in college. Now I'm worried what to do when I run into him again."

When I was 21, I dated a guy who was too old for me. Kevin was 37, an older student in my university program. I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship and thought Kevin was great. Of course, it was red flags all over the place, but I was so naive back then that stupid me didn't question this.

Kevin and I dated for 6 months. He quickly told me that he loved me and asked me (pretty aggressively) to move to his home city to be with him after graduation. Great, right? Still ignoring the red flags.

Except in my last semester, I was diagnosed with cancer and my world kind of fell apart after that. The day I got my diagnosis, Kevin made out with another woman at a party in front of me, and I left the party in tears.

He broke up with me that night by email saying that we weren't a good fit anymore because of my impending medical emergency, that he was only with me because he took pity on me after the end of my previous abusive relationship, and by the way, all our friends thought I was annoying and no one liked me. I felt punched in the gut.

My memories of that week are a blur. I had to drop out in the middle of the semester and get a medical leave of absence with the university. In the meantime, Kevin would follow me around campus demanding to know why I wouldn't talk to him and that I forgive him.

I remember looking at him like he was insane. "So you're apologizing for what you did?" I asked.

"Of course not, I didn't do anything wrong," he answered. "But it's not fair that you're angry at me like this."

I told him to go to hell and just focused on getting my paperwork squared away and moving back home for what became a lot of chemo. Honestly this period of my life was a fucking nightmare and I don't like thinking about it. I became suicidal and was diagnosed with depression, so I was seeing a psychiatrist while getting chemo.

I lost most of my friends because I guess people didn't know how to deal with my illness. A few stuck by me and those people are not only still my friends today but now I even work with some of them.

In the months after I left school, Kevin would badger me over text saying he didn't know what happened between us and demanding again that I forgive him. I was in the middle of more chemo so I told him I forgave him just so he'd leave me alone. As soon as I "forgave" him, he vanished and I never heard from him again. I blocked him on Facebook just to be sure he couldn't slink back.

Later that year, between chemo, I run into this strange woman at a university event off campus. I've never met her before, have no idea who she is. A bunch of students and alumni are having dinner together and she's talking about her fiancé.

Guess who it is? Kevin, of course.

I'm confused because a few months of dating is a short time to know someone before you get engaged, but what do I know since Kevin was very fast in telling me he loved me and asking me to move in with him. But when I ask how long they've been together, she says something crazy like three years.

At this point I'm in total shock and realize Kevin was having an affair with me, that our whole time together was a lie. I had no idea. I left in a daze and cried in the parking lot. In hindsight I should have warned this woman but at the time I was in shock, sick, not interested in starting drama at a table full of strangers, and I was exhausted.

I thought later of finding her on Facebook but I didn't know her name and I worried telling her would start another round of harassment from Kevin, so I dropped it.

So the good news is, I'm obviously still here and happily in remission. Two years after leaving school, I finally felt human again and went back to finish my degree. By then I was doing really good. Made new friends, finished therapy, started my career.

Life is totally different now. I'm well known in my field and have been invited back to my university as a guest of honor. My professors want me to speak to the students and I'll have a chance to network with other visiting alumni who are a big deal in my industry. It's an amazing opportunity and I was looking forward to it.

Only problem is, I saw Kevin's on the guest list, and so is a woman sharing his last name who I assume is his now wife. When I saw it, my heart sank. The guest list is small, maybe 50 alumni, so we're bound to run into each other.

I can't NOT go because this event is important and I already promised I'd be there. Plus, I mean, I don't want to avoid doing things out of fear of running into this asshole from my past.

How do I handle running into Kevin again? Do I treat him like a stranger? What if he tries hugging me like we're old friends? It's something he would do. I also have no clue if I should say something to his wife. I don't want to open this can of worms from my past. I'm losing sleep over this and don't know what to do.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

I'd treat him like a stranger. If he acknowledges you, keep a blank, empty smile like you would give a total stranger who seems to think they know you. When he reminds you who he is, "Oh gosh, I didn't even recognize you. It's been so long."

And then if he tries to initiate any conversation beyond that, you shut him down "Sorry, I really don't have time to talk" as you turn and walk away. If he tries to initiate physical contact, you block it and say firmly "No." I think it's nice to give people like this a little bit of "Our relationship had so little impact on me that I have to be reminded of your existence."

I used to be fly paper for creepers, and my therapist taught me that focusing on them, paying attention to them in any small way, would feed into their power trip. She taught me to do a scan across the room while they are looking and look right through them, as if they didn't register for you at all. It seems to make them keep their distance.

It's just a quick scan that moves through their gaze without catching, without recognition or notice.

Can you bring someone else with you? Having someone else to lean on or help extricate you from an awkward situation could be really helpful.

6 months later OP came back with this update:

Well, thanks for your feedback, guys. Wanted to give you an update. So something I failed to mention in my last post is that my mom used to teach at my alma mater before she recently retired. She didn't know about my brief relationship with Kevin years ago. After writing my post, I decided to share with her everything that happened.

Mom immediately got this weird look on her face and said she knew exactly who I was talking about because she used to teach in my department. She said, "I don't think Kevin will be a problem for you." When I asked why, she said, "Trust me, you'll see. That guy is kind of a loser."

So I went to the event, and it was amazing. I took some of the advice here and brought a girlfriend so I would never be alone in case Kevin tried to pull something. I met a bunch of alumni and ran into a couple people who I lost touch with when I got sick. Everybody were thrilled to hear how well I'm doing, and my speech got an ovation when I was done.

Anyway, Kevin showed up with his wife. I don't know how to say this without sounding mean, but he's gotten fat and is going bald. I was surprised at how old he looked until someone told me he's almost 50 now (which means he lied to me when we were dating and said he was younger than he really was).

Also, I heard from old classmates that Kevin is still studying for his degree, plus working nights as a security guard now.

Kevin was the only person at the event who avoided me. Like, it was obvious. I thought he was going to avoid me all night until I accidentally found myself alone for 30 seconds, which is when he nervously approached me to congratulate me.

I smiled, said thanks, and kept moving. He tried cracking a dumb joke to me later but I just ignored him, which seemed to frustrate him. Overall I just spent the night focused on the people around me and forgot he existed.

Interestingly, he managed to repeatedly piXX off a bunch of people (including his wife and one of the deans) throughout the night with stupid comments. It got so bad that people started a running joke about what an insensitive moron Kevin was.

I'm so glad I went and didn't allow one jerk from my past to make me hide. I had a great time and was surprised at how unafraid I felt when I saw Kevin again. The memories from that time of my life were so traumatic but now he's just some jackass I once knew. I'm not sure now WTF I ever saw in him or why I was ever scared of him.

Oh, and by the way, I recently started a great new job that came with a big raise, which means I'll have my student loans paid off this year. Life is good. Thanks for your help

After posting OP came back with these edits:

• an acquaintance recently told me that apparently Kevin and his now wife were in an open relationship for a long time (including while he and I were together), and that she closed the relationship again a few years ago because she got annoyed.

I can only imagine the shenanigans. I feel better knowing he didn't cheat on her, even though he still cheated on me, and of course he didn't tell me about his wife at all. Whatever.

• My favorite part of the evening: I blocked Kevin on Facebook years ago, so he's had NO updates whatsoever on my life including the fact that I go by my birth name now. In college, everybody called me by a nickname, but no one's used it now in years. So all night he kept calling me by this super old nickname.

People kept looking at him like he was crazy and asking, "Why are you calling her that?", and Kevin got super frustrated because he realized everybody was in on some joke that he didn't understand. No one would clue him in, I guess.

Here's what people had to say after the update:

[deleted]

This is so great to read. Congrats on all your achievements, OP, and I'm glad the event went well! As for Kevin, well, lol. Justice was served, and you didn't have to do a thing.

OP:

It's so obvious now that the only reason we were even together was because I was young and naive. Now that I'm almost 30, he doesn't make any sense to me. It's so weird and creepy.

I just cannot imagine leaving a partner because they got sick. That means something in your core is broken.

What’s the point of harassing and hounding someone for forgiveness when you know it isn’t real and was extorted out of them?? How delusional must you be?

[deleted]

That was great! You handled it so well! Nice to see he's still a huge loser. I still feel bad for his wife though since in your OP you mentioned that when you first met her you found out she was with him for 3 years which means he was having an affair with you

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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