Woman shares upsetting relationship saga; 'I think my marriage to my husband is over. I need help.' UPDATED

"I [38F] think my marriage to my husband [42M] is over. I need help."

This got really long, I'm sorry. If you make it to the end, bless you. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have two kids. It's mostly been a good relationship, with normal ebbs and flows.

The past year has been pretty difficult on my end and I think I've reached my breaking point. I just want to make it clear before I start that my husband is a good man, and I do love him.

I've been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. It was out of necessity rather than desire on my part. My husband was working at building his business and we needed the flexibility of me being home. I had a job I loved, but I didn't make much and it just made sense at the time.

I also homeschool our children because it works well for us. I did all the normal stay at home mom stuff - dinner, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He did help when needed and was never resentful of it. He worked very long hours, and lots of weekends, but I supported him because owning his own business was his dream.

About three years ago, I started to feel some fatigue from being the primary caregiver of our children. I wanted more and our business was pretty stable, so we agreed that I'd go back to school.

Our children are old enough now that schooling them is less hands on, so again - it made sense. I graduated with my two year degree last year and started nursing school shortly thereafter.

This is when things started to get rough. Nursing school is a total time suck - it requires so much time and so much energy. We discussed the shifting of responsibility and how difficult this was going to be on all of us, and he said he was supportive.

He started making snide comments about things he was doing at home - things I had always taken care of, things that I guess he just didn't realize I did. I tried to communicate with him, see what could be done to make things easier on him for this transition.

He is not a good communicator though, so I didn't push (a mistake on my part). The comments started getting more frequent, and meaner. We've never been mean to each other. It's just not how we fight.

Or rather, hasn't been how we fight. He started getting resentful of the time I was up at school, or volunteering (I do volunteer quite a bit). Summer came and I thought things would get better. I got a job where I work a few days a week from 7-7. I love my job so much and it's really nice to finally be able to contribute to our income. It's really empowering.

Over the past few months, I've become a lot more independent. Historically I've "needed" my husband a lot - I had some really serious depression after our kids and I couldn't do much without him (like, go to the doctor or grocery shop or whatever). Over the past five years I've gotten that under control.

Through nursing school, I've made a lot new friends that I like to spend time with. We grab quick dinners, and sometimes head to the movies. This apparently bothers my husband, though he's never actually verbalized it.

I started to come home from an activity (volunteering or a night out with friends) to rage on his part. He would yell at me, call me names, and say horribly hurtful things. He went through and read my text messages, trying to find something I'm doing "wrong".

My friend group is mixed female and male, and most are younger than I am. When I come home, I never know how he'll react. Last night was pretty bad. He stopped replying to my random "I love you" texts, and this morning didn't bother to say it back.

He's hanging up on me, he's ignoring me, he's treating me really badly. He twists my words and ascribes them emotions that I'm just not feeling. I feel like I'm dying inside. Any self esteem I've gained from following my dreams, he's crushing.

While I don't think he's abusive, I feel a lot like I did when I was in an abusive relationship. Walking on egg shells, trying to "test" the room when I walk in. Afraid to do anything that might upset him - being overly nice so that he'll be nice back.

To be clear, I'm home most nights. I might go out with friends once a week - or twice, but once is during the day. Like this week, Sunday I went to dinner with a friend that was leaving for New York the next day. I was gone ~ two hours.

Monday I was home. Tuesday I was working all day, then went up to the school for midnight registration. Wednesday is my weekly volunteer day and whoever is volunteering goes out for food after for about an hour. Today I'm working a short shift. Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday I'm home.

I'm just done. I'm so tired of feeling badly about myself. Like I'm doing something wrong. I've tried to talk about all of this, a thousand times. I never fight back when he's yelling at me or calling me names. I've suggested counseling (I'm going to therapy myself), but he's not interested.

The problem is, I don't want my marriage to be over. I love him and I promised him forever. I don't break my promises. I just want things to go back to where they were a year ago. I need help. Thanks in advance.

TL;DR - my husband is resentful of positive changes that I've made in my life over the past year, which has led to him treating me terribly. I don't think I can do it anymore, but I don't want my marriage to be over. I don't know what to do.

Let's see what readers had to say:

fgarden writes:

If he can't see you grow into a position that he himself was (or still is) at then it sounds like he has a very dominant type of personality, dealing with such people is hard. If it affects your love for him and harms YOUR KIDS then I would definitely get out if there.

I am the son of a single mother. As much as I love my father, he couldn't support us. While it sounds a little different for you, he definitely seems to see this as a sort of competition.

TLDR Give him an ultimatum and stand behind it. If you really aren't happy with being with him, understand that you don't have to be.

jutsaroon writes:

He has no right to verbally abuse you. Period. Full stop. Since that’s already happening, it means serious resentment that probably can’t be overcome. You should get a lawyer.

But, and I’m going to get flamed for even pointing this out, you said you’re home most nights, then went on to describe 5 nights with only one at home. I know it was only one night “out” and the others were work and volunteering, but this is a lot different than being home every night.

I just don’t think you guys are compatible anymore. You need someone that either has a lot of their hobbies or is ok being alone a lot. He needs someone that really loves the Netflix and chill home lifestyle and doesn’t work nights.

I think he’s been a horrible jerk but it’s ok imo for him to be unhappy with the changes you made unilaterally to your lifestyle, maybe if he had communicated his needs and tried to find a better compromise before the resentment kicked in you’d have some way to move forward, but I don’t see it now. Hope that helps, sorry for what you’re going through.

kathe writes:

I think your marriage to your husband *will be over if he refuses to attend therapy with you to figure it out. I really liked the previous comment suggesting that you focus on the fact that the *marriage needs help - rather than finger pointing. It's 100% clear that the situation as it is, is untenable.

Something needs to give - or divorce is going to be the only option. How he's feeling is pretty darn normal, but how he's behaving and treating you? That's not ok. I hate to advocate an ultimatum, but if he doesn't get some help, I don't foresee you staying around to take the abuse much longer.

Update:

While my original post didn't get a ton of feedback, I thought I'd update.About a month after I posted, I asked him for a separation. He agreed. I moved out and I've got my own place now. I thought maybe moving out would be the wake up call that was needed to save the marriage, but it wasn't. However, it turned out to be the best thing for all of us.

We share custody of our children, and they transitioned to public school and are doing very, very well.

I'm doing pretty well, too. It's been hard - and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but it's been worth it. We're all so much happier now, and my ex and I are working really well together to co-parent our kids and we're even friends. We'll always be there for each other, but we're better off apart.

Not the happy ending that I was hoping for, but a happy ending nonetheless. TL;DR: We split up, things are good now.