Woman scolds mother-in-law over expensive gift for 3-year-old, 'this is about her MEDDLING.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law she shouldn't have given my 3-year-old son an expensive violin?"
My husband is one of six children and all of them were enrolled in music classes by my MIL from a very young age (all played string instruments, either violin or cello). Four of them are now professional musicians, my husband and one of his sisters being the exception, though they still play as a hobby.
Even before having a child, I told my husband I wasn’t against our kid taking music classes, as long as it was at a time we thought it was right and with none of the pressure that he had to deal with, and also considering whatever other activities that could be more relevant and we could afford. He agreed.
Now our son just turned 3 and my MIL - after dropping some hints that I’ve previously ignored for the sake of keeping peace such as "soon he’ll reach the age to start learning music" and "I talked about him to the teacher that taught my kids when they were little'"– gave him a crazy expensive violin as a birthday gift.
Not only that, she said to my son something like "soon you’ll be playing like your father and your uncles" etc. I didn’t say anything in front of anybody (this happened during the birthday party with friends and family), but at some point I found her alone and I was like "you should have talked to us before buying that violin."
And she acted like I had offended her personally. I said I didn’t want to create this expectation of getting music classes, and I wasn’t even sure we could afford it right now. And she said she’s more than willing to pay for those classes, like she does for some of her other grandchildren (that was the first I heard about this).
I didn’t want to push this further, but I feel her dream of having like this large family of musicians is now being passed down the new generation. My husband talked to me later, told me his mother talked to him about what I said to her and was taken aback by my reaction. But to me this was not just about the violin as a gift, but her overall meddling in how we raise our child. AITA here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Davros_1988 said:
I don't get the issue here. Put it in a closet and bring up playing when he's a little older.
Pelagic_One said:
Honestly, I'd grab the opportunity with both hands, but first I'd find out what my child wants to play and suggest this as a gift instead. Learning to play an instrument is really great for a child and having it paid for by someone else is the best.
kittywyeth said:
YTA she bought the violin and is happy to pay for lessons. but you are so focused on a one sided power struggle that you’re willing to deny your child a wonderful enriching opportunity just to assert yourself over your mother in law.
BowTrek said:
It seems like you were cautiously agreeable when this came up with your husband, then ignored MILs hints instead of talking to either her or your husband, then…act like she crossed a line? That you didn’t tell her was there? YTA I think. This feels less like meddling on her part and more like a mix of defensiveness and avoidance on yours.
Significant-Toe2648 said:
As a former violinist, that seems like a very strange choice for a first instrument at age 3. Piano would be much more appropriate. But no, NTA.
Vintage_Chameleon said:
NTA. This is a boundary violation disguised as a gift. There is absolutely no reason for a three year old to have an expensive instrument you’ve described for beginner lessons. She’s establishing a sunk-cost fallacy.
Gold_Statistician500 said:
NTA but I feel like you probably should've said something earlier? You decided to "keep the peace" until she spent a crap ton of money, and it's only now that you speak up... Like, I understand why you made the choices you did, but it would've been better to say something sooner.
She's still the asshole for not talking to you explicitly, don't get me wrong... but she's been making these comments all along and you've just humored her. It's not exactly shocking that she didn't think you'd care.