Me and my husband have been together for over nine years and separating our finances never occurred to me until this past year. I'm the saver and he's the spender. In the beginning it didn't bother me because we had two incomes and wasn't rich but lived comfortably.
His family has always "borrowed" money from us but rarely ever pay that money back. I personally don't lend money not even to family but I do not stop him from lending to his.
A few years ago my husband was in a bad car wreck and can no longer work so I became the sole breadwinner. He now gets disability but that was a four year process. In that time we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything. Our debt mounted and there was nothing I could do.
When he received his back pay I only asked him to pay off his vehicle a loan in which I've paid over 50 grand on in the last few years and put some in savings. He did neither. Instead he blew the money. Loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created.
During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I have enough saved. He knew I was saving to do this.
About a month ago I noticed over 700 missing out our savings and I asked him what happened!?! He replied with I loaned it to my parents. I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it. He said I don't know when they can afford to.
I blew up an lost my shit. He didn't ask me, we didn't speak about it. He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off and I would say no if he asked. We had a huge fight. I figured after that fight he would stop. But no...
Yesterday I checked my account and another thousand dollars was gone. Gone where u ask? He gave it his parents. I'm so mad I see red.
I flat out told him that as of today I'm done with his parents. I'll pay half the household bills buy our food and that's it. If he wants to lend all his disability to them fine but I'm not gonna go bust my ass 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.
So AITA for going to the bank and withdrawing all the money I put there and opening a new account he don't have access to? He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy. I would like to see them happy I just don't want to pay for that happiness.
ffaa writes:
YTA. You have received very sound advice but you are down playing everyone’s obvious concerns- your daughter. I have a child just a bit older than yours and all money beyond bills is for education savings, trips as a family, her expenses so that she has a good life.
Your husband cannot work so he should be extra worried about the safety and security of his own family not his mummy and daddy. One day he will be leeching off your grown daughter, it’s the way of his family. He does not care about your daughter’s future security and prosperity: please think about that, even if you don’t think about yourself:
You should go to counselling yourself OP to understand why you tolerate this behaviour. Edited to add- separate finances are NOT enough, it’s not about money it’s about lack of care and consideration for his own family.
trevana7 writes:
NTA. You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money. It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happen if you are in depts. Sounds like he has this from his parents/family - as they also always borrow money and never pay back.
Separate your finances and also review your relationship, if your husband thinks so little about you. That he put his family way above you, and not even talk about you. But use you as an ATM for his family.
dubiousppl writes:
NTA but if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together. Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared.
As for the way forward your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first. Right now he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request. Two things need to happen. Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor. He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord.
You also need to take a good hard look at yourself. What are you willing to put up with? What is your breaking point? Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?
unwanted writes:
He is financially abusing you. You are NTA to protect yourself from bankruptcy. If he wants to give all your money to his parents constantly he ca go back to living with them but you cant stay in a relationship where you and your future are always an afterthought.
cassip writes:
YTA - this has been happening for almost a decade and you thought things would change??? why? why would greedy people suddenly become reasonable? why do you think your string cheese spine husband would suddenly stop??
Me and my husband have only had 3 disagreements our entire life together. We are happy and love each other. We don't yell and scream, we have conversations. We don't sulk, give snide remarks, or be rude
Disagreements are a part of life. I've not tried to hide anything from her. She knows when we disagree. She also knows it won't last long because we talk about our problems and come up with solutions. Hence the new bank account. Now if he finds a way into my new account to take money out and loan his parents my next call will be the divorce lawyer.
Then the law. Then my daughter will know it's not okay for your husband to steal from you. But up until now we have had a shared account. By sharing that account I gave him permission to do what he wants with the money technically.
I have made an appointment with a counselor after reading many comments. We will go from there.
It was a long hard road at first. My husband was very upset that I wanted to separate finances and even threatened to divorce me if I did. So at first I relented and we came up with a mutual agreement that he would take out 500$ for the month and the rest would go towards bills and food. He claimed this was more than enough for him.
I found out the hard way it was not and so did he. Unfortunately the first month on our new "budget" his mother was rushed to the hospital where she spent a month in ICU. He spent 1500$ that month at the hospital where he spent all his time.
Next month he spent a grand and I once again lost my shit and had the same argument. He has shown me repeatedly that I cannot trust him with money.
Since then I have started to put money away in a place he knows nothing about. I didn't tell him I was doing it bc I already forwarned him. The only thing that goes into our joint account is bill money and his disability. My check is split before it ever hits.
I absolutely hate being this way and wish we had never combined. He hasn't said anything and neither will i til he does.
No-Artichoke-1963 replied:
Honestly, I'd hesitate to leave him access to the money needed for bills... As you said, he's consistently shown you he cannot be trusted. I think you might be better served redirecting the whole paycheck and paying bills from your new account.