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Woman separates finances from her husband, 'I feel BETRAYED by who he's lending money to.' AITA?

Woman separates finances from her husband, 'I feel BETRAYED by who he's lending money to.' AITA?

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When this woman is upset with her husband, she asks the internet:

"AITA for separating my finances from my husband because he's irresponsible?"

Me and my husband have been together for over nine years and separating our finances never occurred to me until this past year.

I'm the saver and he's the spender. In the beginning it didn't bother me because we had two incomes and wasn't rich but lived comfortably.

His family has always "borrowed" money from us but rarely ever pay that money back. I personally don't lend money not even to family but I do not stop him from lending to his.

A few years ago my husband was in a bad car wreck and can no longer work so I became the sole breadwinner. He now gets disability but that was a four year process. In that time we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything. Our debt mounted and there was nothing I could do.

When he received his back pay I only asked him to pay off his vehicle a loan in which I've paid over 50 grand on in the last few years and put some in savings.

He did neither. Instead he blew the money. Loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created.

During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I have enough saved. He knew I was saving to do this.

About a month ago I noticed over 700 missing out our savings and I asked him what happened!?! He replied with I loaned it to my parents. I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it. He said I don't know when they can afford to.

I blew up an lost my shit. He didn't ask me, we didn't speak about it. He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off and I would say no if he asked. We had a huge fight. I figured after that fight he would stop. But no...

Yesterday I checked my account and another thousand dollars was gone. Gone where u ask? He gave it his parents. I'm so mad I see red.

I flat out told him that as of today I'm done with his parents. I'll pay half the household bills buy our food and that's it. If he wants to lend all his disability to them fine but I'm not gonna go bust my ass 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.

So AITA for going to the bank and withdrawing all the money I put there and opening a new account he don't have access to? He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy. I would like to see them happy I just don't want to pay for that happiness.

Let's see what readers thought:

ffaa writes:

YTA. You have received very sound advice but you are down playing everyone’s obvious concerns- your daughter.

I have a child just a bit older than yours and all money beyond bills is for education savings, trips as a family, her expenses so that she has a good life.

Your husband cannot work so he should be extra worried about the safety and security of his own family not his mummy and daddy.

One day he will be leeching off your grown daughter, it’s the way of his family. He does not care about your daughter’s future security and prosperity: please think about that, even if you don’t think about yourself:

You should go to counselling yourself OP to understand why you tolerate this behaviour.

Edited to add- separate finances are NOT enough, it’s not about money it’s about lack of care and consideration for his own family.

trevana7 writes:

NTA. You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money. It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happen if you are in depts. Sounds like he has this from his parents/family - as they also always borrow money and never pay back.

Separate your finances and also review your relationship, if your husband thinks so little about you. That he put his family way above you, and not even talk about you. But use you as an ATM for his family.

dubiousppl writes:

NTA but if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together. Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared.

As for the way forward your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first. Right now he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request. Two things need to happen. Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor. He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord.

You also need to take a good hard look at yourself. What are you willing to put up with? What is your breaking point? Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?

graceee writes:

NTA at all. Usually I believe when couples are married it's their money [mainly if the wife is the one at home and doing all the housework], but I am guessing this isn't the case? I am guessing he doesn't stay home and clean and cook? Or am I assuming wrong in this case.

Either way he makes his own money from the accident and he could easily be giving his parents loans from his own account. Instead it sounds like he is trying to have his cake, and eat it too. In this case keep his money, but take what you earned and gave it away as if it was solely his.

No offense to you but your husband is a loser, not for the accident ofc but for being a mooch and not even doing a thing to contribute.

I'm sorry you were betrayed in such a way. And I do hope you consider if you still want to be with this man, Because IMHO he clearly has no respect for you.

unwanted writes:

He is financially abusing you. You are NTA to protect yourself from bankruptcy. If he wants to give all your money to his parents constantly he ca go back to living with them but you cant stay in a relationship where you and your future are always an aftertought.

kanul writes:

I would separate more than just money until he gets his shit together. Btw working way over 45-50h is a health risk and will burn you out one day. And he doesn’t give a shit? My wife is sick too, and she actively helps us and me personally save money, while also pushing me to spent it when we can afford it.

It’s like a lot of things in a relationship: if you differ too much in compatibility, and only one has to compromise all the time, it won’t turn out good, or that one person will one day be mentally reduced to nothingness.

Imo the only way living with differences in compatibility is to overshadow it with better compatibility on more important fields, like communication, honesty, both compromising equally.

Your husband lied, backstabbed, doesn’t communicate, doesn’t want to compromise, and doesn’t contribute either. What were his good qualities you said?

(To me „loaning“ money, even calling it a loan, when all involved know it’s a gift and will never get paid back, is an outright lie. In the few of my immediate family that I trust enough to loan/give money, we talk just this open about it!

I GIVE you 200 to pay the vet, I LOAN you 100 for this video game, and the other party can plan accordingly how/when to pay it back, or be thankful that we paid for the vet. Just as a quick example.

It’s unfair for the lender, but also the Receiver needs to understand and know that they have to pay it back, else the money flow should be halted until they do. If the parents don’t pay back and still lend more, they must see it as gifts by now.)

Unless he is lying and is spending it on drugs. Maybe double check the amounts with the parents?

cassip writes:

YTA - this has been happening for almost a decade and you thought things would change??? why? why would greedy people suddenly become reasonable? why do you think your string cheese spine husband would suddenly stop??

crankid writes:

NTA - this isn’t a stable relationship. You don’t have the same goals. He wants to give his parents money while not working and in receipt of benefit without any thought to your own lives and quality of life.

You meanwhile are working towards bettering your life to clear debt and improve your financial footing. You are being undermined by his actions and his not even asking before gifting yet more of your money shows how little he considers your opinion and also shows he really isn’t thinking about the future at all.

Separate finances as much as possible and then honestly reevaluate your compatibility. He is cutting your legs out from under you stopping you perhaps even on purpose from clearing the debt.

I would be asking why securing your combined financial future is less important than sending money to his parents which if they are unable to make their own way they need to change their standard of living and live within their means.

Edit to add: staying together so a child has both parents isn’t a valid reason to stay.

Unless he’s going to move to the other end of the earth and never see your children again, it’s better to have you be happy and stable rather than unhappy, frustrated with your spouse and also showing your child that even when your unhappy you have to stick it out.

You do not. There is nothing wrong with splitting over finances. He is stealing money. Would you want your daughter to remain with her partner if they stole from her not once but many times?

whiteknightprimal writes:

NTA. You're in debt and surviving on one income and disability. He's ignoring his financial obligations to 'lend' money to his family, even taking it from savings he knows are already earmarked for debt repayment.

On top of that, he knows you'll say no, so he's doing it behind your back. It doesn't sound like he's full on lying, because he admits it when you confront him, but he is lying by omission, not telling you he's taking family money to give to his parents is basically the same thing as lying about it.

This issue is about both finances and trust. You're in debt, you can't afford to be giving money away without a cast iron guarantee you'll get it back before you need it. It's also just a bad idea to lend money to family or friends like this. The occasional emergency to help out, sure, but all the time and large sums? No way.

And he's breaking your trust every single time he goes behind your back to lend money to his family, knowing you can't afford it.

The sensible option is to open a separate account he has no access to and depositing your wages in that one from now on. He can't be trusted with money, because the second his family come begging, he's just giving them what they want without a thought to how it will negatively impact both your lives.

You didn't close the account you shared, just removed everything from it and put it in a new account. He still has access to the original account to put his disability payments into, and he can use his disability to 'help' his family if he so desires.

Wanting his family to be happy is one thing. Giving them thousands of dollars you can't afford to give away is completely different. You can't do things that make them happy but leave you miserable with nothing.

I say keep control of the money you earn and use it to pay your bills and save up to pay down your debts. He can use his money however he likes, but make sure he pays whatever his share of the bills are, don't cover for him because he's given it all to his parents.

Obviously, if the alternative is being out on the streets, pay it, but make sure he pays you back with his next payment.

He can not like the separate accounts and not having the money to pay for his family's lifestyle all he wants, the fact is he's the reason this step is necessary. If he can't be financially responsible, he can't have control of the family finances in any way, can't even have access to it.

You can revisit the finances issue once he's proved, over a long period of time, that he'll put his financial responsibilities before his family's demands for money.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Is she TA or not?

Sources: Reddit
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