Woman with severe chronic pain leaves best friend's wedding early, 'now she isn't talking to me.' AITA?
"AITA for leaving my best friend's wedding early?"
I (25F) left my best friend's (22F) wedding early and now she isn't talking to me. My best friend had a destination wedding. I was a bridesmaid along with 2 friends. Both of them bailed due to the cost of travelling.
Day of the wedding, we got to the venue hours before the wedding was set to begin to offer help and support. When we arrived, my friend was getting in makeup and everything was set up. She told me to get changed while she finished.
I have a pretty intense disability. I have severe chronic pains and struggle standing/walking for more than a few minutes at a time, especially without good shoes. If I know I'll be walking a lot, I use a walker to help with pain. I didn't bring it to the wedding to make room in my car for our bags.
Before changing, I asked when to put on my heels. I knew I would only last a few minutes in them before pain started. I informed her I didn't bring my walker and was worried about being in my heels for too long and asked if there was somewhere I could sit after changing to be off my feet. She told me to change into them and sit down with my BF outside and she'd let me know when I was needed.
For the ceremony, I was the last one of the wedding party to walk down the aisle, so they sent me as the first to exit. It was an outdoor wedding, so while the walk from the ceremony area back to the building wasn't terribly long, being in heels and dress I was tripping over was taking a toll on me by then (about 3 hrs in the heels).
I was struggling so bad that all of the groom's party ended up passing me, and the last one to pass by saw how much I was struggling and laughed at me, which stung. We stayed for photos (which was more walking from the building, back to the ceremony area) and took another 30 min of standing. By that point, I was holding onto my BF for support.
Once the photographer told me my part in the pictures was over, my BF helped me back to where we'd been sitting and I broke down crying. We were out of the way to not cause a scene, and the bride and groom were still having photos taken behind the venue.
While I was crying, we saw a couple get in their car and leave, so my BF suggested we leave too. My dress was muddy from dragging through the dirt, everyone else at the event was family so no one was paying us any mind, and inside the building the bride and groom had a table set up for the 2 of them, so there wouldn't be empty seats next to them.
Given my pains and the state of my dress and makeup, we knew we wouldn't be dancing or making conversation, and we had a long drive home ahead of us the next day so we left.
It's been a few days and she hasn't responded to any of my messages. Both my and my BF's moms agree it was best we left considering my pain, but others are more split on whether we were in the wrong for leaving. So, AITA for leaving my best friend's wedding early due to the intense pain I was in?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
slamurex said:
Sorry, but YTA. You didn't bring anything you needed to be safe and comfortable, and passing the onus to the bride and her group to tell you when to put on your shoes is out of line.
You chose not to bring your walker or extra heels, and you didn't adequately plan for your needs. To top it all off, you didn't even say goodbye! I am so sorry you had such a brutal day, but it does sound like a lot of it was avoidable and you didn't take the necessary steps to mitigate your own needs.
Agreeing to be a bridesmaid is agreeing to be support FOR the bride on her special day. You didn't plan well enough for yourself, and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you were really there for her at all. I do think my judgement would be less harsh if you'd spoken to the bride before you left, or asked your partner to (I get not wanting to cause a scene with tears.) You essentially ghosted her.
Switch_heart said:
YTA. I'm sorry but your post only shows that you did absolutely nothing to actually try to accommodate your disability on this day and instead kept asking the bride to make provisions while she was getting ready for you. Why not bring your walker? Outdoor or indoor there is a ton of standing and walking at weddings.
You admit later that you are not good at communication but leaving without even saying a word is more rude than anything else. Or even bringing up to the bride MONTHS in advance that you couldn't wear heels. You claim she's your best friend so she's probably wondering why you hurt yourself wearing heels when you could've asked to wear flats and bring your walker.
Every problem you brought up was self inflicted. Wrong shoes, No walker. No communication with the bride at all. In the future if you are invited to any more weddings PLEASE take an ounce of responsibility for yourself to ensure YOUR comfort.
HappyGilmore_93 said:
Soft YTA. You could’ve pushed for flats, brought your walker, or at least said goodbye…I get it that it’s a hard day with your disability, but it’s your best friends wedding and she wanted you there. I’m sure she is cognizant of your pain and probably wouldn’t have been nearly as offended had you at least explained to her what was going on before you left, you just snuck out though. That’s the part that really made me lean towards YTA.
SnoodleNeetNart said:
YTA. You chose not to bring your walker, not to bring flats, and then left without saying bye. A bride is usually very stressed on her wedding day and you putting an extra responsibility on her (such as having to let you know when to change into heels) is such an unnecessary added stress. Depending on where the bride had her wedding, you might've been able to rent a walker for the day.
I also find it strange that you are her best friend but know no one else in her life and know nothing about the wedding. In your messages since, did you apologize to her for leaving without letting her know? I would start there. I'm sorry you have a disability and it is awful to be in pain. Your BF sounds like a great person!
smalltreesdreams said:
I'm sorry but YTA. It doesn't sound like you did anything to accommodate your own needs. You could have brought flats to wear outside of the ceremony and photographs. You could have made better plans to get your walker to the venue. It was one or two nights away - how many bags did you really need?
I can't really see why a couple of backpacks couldn't fit in around a walker but if there was really no way to fit it, you could have arranged to rent one near the venue, or asked someone else to transport your bags, or rented a roof rack. If there was reaalllyy no way to get a walker to the wedding then you should have informed the bride weeks before so she could plan around it.
Unless there is some missing information like she told you not to bring the walker or she insisted you be in heels all day then it just sounds like you didn't take your commitment or responsibility to the bride seriously at all. And then to top it all off you left without even saying goodbye? Why?
SnailsInYourAnus said:
YTA. You knowingly didn’t bring your walker so why in the world did you think heels were a good idea? You could have at least planned ahead and bought comfortable shoes for an event you KNEW you’d be standing for long periods of time. Expecting the bride to tell you when to put your shoes on is just childish. Leaving without saying anything was so disrespectful. Apologize to her for your lack of planning and be better if there’s a next time.