Woman shares animal saga; 'I spoil my stepkids and alienate my bio ones.' AITA?

"AITA for spoiling my step-kids and potentially alienating my own kids?"

My (F) partner and their two kids moved in with me and my two about a year ago and things have been kind of rough since we've combined our households. My boys are barely teenagers and my partners are a few years older.

Growing up, their kids had some rough patches in life, so they're a bit rougher around the edges than mine, and there was resentment over sharing space whenever they moved in.

I've tried to do my best to ingratiate them into our household and get them equivalent but appropriate things so as to not play favorites but I've always spoiled my boys, so sometimes this leads to getting a gift or two here and there for my partner's kids without getting anything for my own at that particular time.

I don't make a show of it or anything, just casually give it to them when I see them.

I've noticed that, since they've moved in, one of my boys has been sneaking out with his friends, staying out until all hours of the night doing God knows what with his friends, while my other son has gotten territorial around the house and has also developed a bedwetting problem.

They will argue pretty regularly and my partner's boys often just spend their days in their room, not coming out for much during the day at all.

My partner has been appreciative of this affection towards their kids, but has also been in my boys' life for a long time and has come to love them like their own children as well. My boys are also very affectionate of them, especially the younger of the two that has a tendency to sneak out, and we try to show our love for all of them equally.

Some relatives live in the basement of the house and I've noticed that my kids tend to spend a lot of the time downstairs, usually just hanging out on the couch.

We have an open agreement and the older relatives don't seem to mind sharing their space, but I'm worried that they might be doing drugs down there. I've definitely seen a bag of catnip or two out on the table when I've been downstairs.

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

craah writes:

Cats, your children are cats.

karamoi writes:

She had me going there. Until your comment. I was like WTF?

garaup writes:

YTA for treating your bio fur kids worse than your step fur kids. They will leave when they turn adults and move downstairs permanently and never talk to you or share kisses and cuddles again.

OP replies:

I make sure to find time to kiss and cuddle with each and every one of them as much as possible, but it's been tricky because the room that I share with my partner has become the de facto safe space for their fur babies, so mine spend less time in there and I have to seek them out to spend quality cuddle time with them.

I make sure to do so, though, and I talk to them. I also try to keep the door to the room open so that they're welcome in the room even when the floofs (partner's cats) are in there, and they often will still come and lay with me in there or hang out while I work.

joringjusry writes:

YTA. If you’re not 25/7 worshipping all 4 cats You’re just a bad parent. lol. I have four and I manage. So should you.

OP replies:

I worship them all 25/8. It's just that sometimes I'll pick up a thing here or there that the littles (my babies) already have that the floofs (partner's babies) don't have yet. The older relatives are yet two more cats that belong to our roommate and they get just as much worship.

Trying to get the right food to the right cats and coordinate who goes in what room when they decide they want to argue is literally herding cats, though.

ahaweio writes:

Maybe an AH, there's an old saying in my country I'll translate into English "Just because you're happy doesn't mean everyone is"

As a child suddenly having new family members without knowing them since childhood or even being friends with them, suddenly having thrust into your life rather than step by step or slowly to know them through the regular means, rather they have been forced to share their "safe space" or home to strangers just because their father wanted a new wife that doesn't resemble their mother...

they might be close to the new stepmother but it's hard to replace the motherly love at birth from a new person they might feel weird out or alienated if they get to close to them especially sharing the same house, this process should have been done slowly rather than feeling exposed or threatened inside there "safe space" or home suddenly...

its hard to back out and tell step kids to leave with their mother since you already invited them to your home, at the same time showering them with gifts rather than letting them earn itso they can learn gratitude, best course of action right now is to spend more time with your children in family bondings or activities in hopes of them understanding or liking each other.

thristeesn writes:

Hold on when you say "kids" do you mean cats?

OP replies:

Yeah, but I definitely agree with your assessment as it applies to cats as well as children. It's just that, due to the circumstances, we didn't have the opportunity to socialize them prior to my partner and their cats moving in, because they have pretty bad anxiety about traveling and my partner's old place was across town.

They've all been slowly acclimating but there is still some resentment present because, in order to provide safe space for the new cats when they moved in, they did unfortunately encroach on some of the safe space of my cats.

We've been doing our best to foster independent safe space for all of the cats so that they can feel comfortable in their own home, but it's difficult to introduce change to a cat when there exists a language barrier not just between us and the cats, but between the cats and each other, having not been socialized together.

agahweou writes:

YTA Like so many, you did what YOU wanted and completely disregarded the needs and wants of four children.

Not only did you choose the d over your kids, you chose the d's kids over your own. Selfish, bad parent. I hope he's a good lay, because you've definitely messed up your kids