My husband (Leo, 34m) and I (30f) have been together for 7 years, married for 4 of them. We don't have any kids and we don't intend to.
Two years ago, Leo asked me for an open marriage. I was devastated at the time. I couldn't understand why he didn't just want me. I couldn't even comprehend the idea of sharing him either.
He gave me the same song and dance a lot of men give their spouses: swore up and down that he loved me, I just wasn't fulfilling his needs, he needed more than what I could give, it was just to spice up our life, it was just se%, etc etc.
I did ask if there was someone else. He said no. To this day, I'm still not sure if I believed him. But at the time, I was angry and hurt and said no. He pestered me to change my mind for a week before giving me an ultimatum: open marriage or divorce.
I chose the open marriage. I just couldn't bare the thought of him leaving me at the time. We have rules: we can't bring any partners home; we have to get tested for STD every 3 months; one weekend out of the month must be left free for "us time;" any money we spend on/with our partners must come from our personal accounts.
I didn't partake in the open marriage myself for the first three months. Leo obviously did right away. He seemed to be gone or out late almost all the time, but he always acted so happy and loving towards me while I felt like I was dying inside. It killed me to think he was sleeping with other women, and I felt so lonely and unattractive and not good enough.
I told my sister (Katy, 26f) and a few close friends everything. Katy told me to just "play his game" and be part of the open marriage too. If he can sleep around, so could I. I honestly didn't have much confidence in myself at the time.
I'm a bit overweight and I've never considered myself "conventionally pretty." I was afraid this would just humiliate me further.
Katy and my best friend Jessie (30f) set up my online dating profiles for me. I got so many matches that it was overwhelming. When I told Leo, he was surprised, but told me to do whatever I thought was best. Jessie helped me choose my first date, and I actually had a great time.
He didn't pressure me for se% and took me out to drinks and dinner. We did have se% eventually, but it was all just casual and we didn't see each other after a couple months of casual dating.
That first guy really made me feel more confident in myself. So I kept going on dates with men. A lot of them wanted to treat me, so I didn't have to spend much of my own money. Not only that, but some of the men have given me the best se% I've ever had in my life. Almost like the kind of se% you read in romance novels; it's been amazing.
I am currently seeing two different men, alongside Leo. One (Mark, 38m) is more of a steady boyfriend I've been with for about 6 months and the one (Steven, 25m) is very casual - mostly just hanging out and se%. They know about my open marriage/other relationships and are fine with it.
My husband has not been so lucky. In the beginning, he definitely was. He was always out and about and didn't seem to care even when I started dating too. But now he just complains a lot and hasn't been going out much.
He whines about how he's usually the one spending money. A lot of the women he tries to be with want an emotional connection before se%. He often wants to be with younger women, but they want younger men. He's also been upset that I go out "with random guys" so often while he's at home alone all the time.
He hasn't asked to close the marriage yet, but I feel like he will soon. He keeps saying he misses "us" and wants to spend more time together. He tried to initiate se% a lot more too.
He wants to go on dates and go on vacations and all that stuff more and more, and he gets upset when I tell him I can't because I've already scheduled to do stuff with my partners (mostly Mark).
Honestly, I don't think I love Leo anymore. I care about him, but I just don't love him. I'm not saying I love Mark or Steven, but I honestly feel closer to Mark nowadays than I do Leo. Mark makes me feel comfortable and safe, and I love spending time with him more than my own husband. Steven is funny and sweet and really good at se%.
Katy and Jessie have been wanting me to divorce for a year now, but I was afraid of hurting him and thought I still loved him. But I think my love for him died when he asked for this open marriage in the first place. Seeing him get all pi&y about it now just because he's not benefitting from it is also a turn off for me too.
But I don't know if divorce is the best option. I still care about him and I still don't want to hurt him. Maybe if he finally asked to close the marriage, we can talk about it then.
BentBent12: Divorce. You’re happier without him. He would only want to close the marriage because he can’t get laid not that he only loves you.
OOP: We've just been together for so long that the idea of him NOT being there feels weird. Which sounds stupid since I have two other partners so it's not like I'll be lonely. But Leo was a part of my life for so long that for him to not be there just doesn't feel right. But you're probably right.
OOP: I really do think Leo does love me, in his own way. Even when he was more active in the open marriage, he still made time for me and still did a lot with him/for me. But you're probably right on the divorce.
Jpalm4545: Part of the issue is the main relationship is supposed to be the important one, so the whole 1 weekend a month for "us" time wasn't enough.
OOP: I actually did argue that in the beginning, but he insisted that he needed to keep his weekends free. He did spend a lot of time at home during the weekdays, so in his mind, that made up for it.
OpportunityCalm6825: What if he finds evidence of your 'open marriage' and frames you as a cheater and then brings you to the cleaners? At this point, I wouldn't trust Leo. What you're experiencing is normalcy, you're used to his presence in your life. But how long are you going to live like this?
OOP: Jessie had the same train of thought of you and actually took screen shots of his dating profiles during the beginning of the open marriage. She also told me to save screenshots of any texts we had about the open marriage. I don't think Leo would do that, but I also didn't think he'd ever ask for an open marriage, so what do I know?
Hi everyone. I got so many comments and messages on my last post (which got deleted for some reason) that I was a bit overwhelmed. Especially when a lot of you kept saying the same thing: divorce, divorce, divorce.
But, the thing is, I think a part of me does still loves my husband. I know in my last post that I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I can't just forget about the things that I do love. I love when he sings in the shower.
I love when he laughs so hard, he snorts. I love when he kisses my forehead when I've had a bad day. I love when he holds my hand when he watch TV together. Leo has done a lot of shitty things, but he really isn't the big asshole people think. Maybe that was my fault.
But even if I do still love him, I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't think I have been for a while. I care about him, a part of me does still love him, but you all were right; I should have just divorced him when he gave me that ultimatum in the first place.
This past Saturday, we had "the big talk." I initiated it, but he didn't seem too surprised. I just told him that I noticed he didn't seem to like me going out with Mark or Steven and asked if there was a problem.
He said there was. But he didn't ask me to close the marriage. He just asked me if I still loved him. I said something like "not like I used to." He broke down crying, which made me cry. I guess he had known for a while that I wasn't in love anymore, but he had hoped he could win me back if he funneled all of his energy into me.
I was honest and told him that during those first three months of our open marriage, I think my love for him died and I just couldn't get it back. I did tell him that I still cared about him and that I did love him, but it's not the same as it was.
He asked if I loved Mark or Steven, and I said no. I like being with them and I care about them a lot, but I can't say I'm in love with either of them.
I also finally asked him why he wanted the open marriage in the first place. A lot of you in the comments said he already had someone lined up and you were right. He had someone at work he was interested in and she wanted him too.
The open marriage was just to get permission. He honestly never expected me to also get my own partners because of how unconfident I was, but he didn't want to stop me either because he thought nothing would come of it.
He didn't really like me seeing other men, but he knew it wouldn't have been fair to tell me no when I gave him permission first.
I guess Mark and Steven made him insecure because I was spending so much time with them on a regular basis. The open marriage was just se% on the side for him; he only did hookups and they never lasted long.
He genuinely always just loved only me. But he thought I was falling in love with my partners and he was losing me and wanted to win me back.
We cried a lot and talked a lot. We've decided to get a divorce. Since the house is in his name, I'm going to move out and live with Katy for a while. He told me I didn't have to and I could stay until the divorce was finalized, but I just can't. It's too hard to even look at him sometimes.
I don't know I feel, to be honest. I thought I would be relieved or sad, but I'm just tired. I wish I could have been like you all wanted me to be, clapping back or being sarcastic and snarky or rubbing it in his face, but I don't feel like I've won anything. I just feel lost.
Relevant Comments
Theunpolitical: I'm wondering if that maybe the other woman ended it so now he was back to what he was comfortable with: his wife? He went and had his fun and when that died out, he was not left with a wife waiting for him at home.
OOP: He and his co-worker were only sleeping together for maybe a month. She fulfilled his kinks that I never liked indulging in. That's why he was with most of his partners, because I wasn't interested in his k%nks.
Much-Recording9444: He stepped out of this marriage first and tried to have his cake and eat it too. The thing with open marriages is, that you can never count on how emotions will change. Se% is a very intimate action and many people will develop emotional connections, those connections come at a price.
He placed a bet and he lost. At least he's man enough to acknowledge it and own up to it. There is no easy answer OP, I wish you healing.
OOP: Thank you.
Leo just thought the open marriage would be a way for him to get all of his kinks he couldn't do with me (because I wasn't into it).
He knew how unconfident I was - which wasn't because of him, a lot of people seem to think that he eroded my self-esteem but he didn't (we can thank my mother for that, but that's a whole other can of worms) so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either.
Environmental_Art591:
so he never expected me to partake in the open marriage either. So basically while he asked for a mutually open marriage he expected it to be only his side open and then got hurt that reality didn't meet his expectations.
OOP: Leo admitted that he did only expected his side to be open. He was never going to stop me from opening my side, but like I said, he didn't think I would. Tbh, I don't think I would have either if it wasn't for Jessie and Katy pushing me and making profiles for me.
Hey, it's been a while. It feels like both lot and nothing has happened. I still have a lot of feelings, but I'm also just really tired.
Leo and I are still in the middle of our divorce. It's been as amicable as a divorce can be. Since we mutually agreed to it and we had prenup, it's been pretty easy splitting everything else 50/50. My lawyer says I should be divorced by the end of the year. Leo is insistent on giving me alimony, but I'm not really interested.
Thanks to a lot of people making me think about Leo's explanation for the open marriage, I did approach him about it again and asked him to be 100% honest with me about that girl from work.
He admitted there was more to it than he admitted. This is what he explained to me, and I have decided to believe him. Even if he's lying, it doesn't really matter anymore since we're getting divorced. I also just have little energy to care about the details at this point. According to him, this is the timeline:
• He was posting on reddit about his kinks for advice and such (which I did know about beforehand)
• He was getting messages from this one user and they just kept talking back and forth. He mentions my name to the user in a conversation (which he let me read)
• During his lunch break, his coworker (I'll call her Mary) approaches him and asks if he uses reddit and asks about his handle
• He confirms, and then Mary tells her he's the user he's been talking to
• They start talking more and more in real life as friends and eventually start talking through IG (he also showed me these conversations)
• The conversations were mostly just memes and jokes with occasional flirts/mentioning of kinks. At one point, she says it's "too bad" he's not single.
• This is when he decided to demand the open marriage, because Mary was clearly into him and into the same kinks, and she could se%ually satisfy him since I was unable to (that's how he basically said it, anyway).
Truth be told, we did have some bed difficulties before the open marriage was brought up. I'm very vanilla, and he discovered his kinks after we were married. I tried them all for him, but I just couldn't get into it and he didn't like seeing me struggle
so he didn't try to bring them into the bedroom again after it was obvious I didn't like it. So we did have se%ual compatibility issues. Maybe we were doomed to fail even without the open marriage ultimatum.
Our families (outside of my sister) were shocked when we told everyone we were getting a divorce. They always thought we were so happy and in love. My mom blames me, which I expected, but it still hurts.
They don't know about the open marriage, and Leo and I plan to keep it that way. I think he is ashamed to tell them. I am too, if I'm being honest. I really thought Leo was the love on my life. He was my first for almost everything.
I said we were together for 7 years, but we were friends since college. I've known him for nearly 12 years, and we're about to become strangers soon.
I still mourn my marriage, even though Katy and Jessie keep telling me this is for the best. They're both definitely thrilled, they don't hide it, but they also know this has been a weird time for me.
I just don't know how to feel. I thought I would feel free or relieved or heartbroken or SOMETHING, but I just feel weird. Like I lost a part of myself and I don't know how to get it back.
I'm still living with Katy, but I'll be moving out soon. I found a one bedroom apartment that's near Jessie, so I won't be completely alone.
Mark offered to let me move in with him, but I declined. Honestly, we're kind of on standby. He knows I'm having a hard time processing my feelings about my husband and the end of my marriage.
I think he wants us to be official, but I don't know. I really do like Mark and I don't want to lose him, but I feel like I need to figure myself out first.
As for Steven, we ended our relationship at the beginning of August. He got a job offer in another state and took it. Even though it was casual, I did cry a little.
Steven is a great guy; whenever he does decide to settle down into something serious, the woman who gets him will be a lucky one. We've been texting here and there, but it's mostly just sending each other tiktoks and polite "hope you're doing well" messages.
Some people asked me if I wanted to go back to monogamy, even after experimenting and clearly getting into this poly relationship I had going on. And the answer is yes, I do.
Even though Mark and Steven were great and I met plenty of great guys during my open marriage, I don't know if I've really been happy with myself or my choices. I also think I felt guilty a lot too, like I was somehow cheating on Leo, Mark, and Steven even though it was all consensual. Polyamory and open relationships may work for some people, but it's really just not for me.
Jessie says I need to get a therapist. I have tried looking, but finding a therapist that's both available and seems like a good fit is a pain. Hopefully I can find one by the time the divorce is settled.
I also want to figure out what to do about Mark on my own. I don't want to lead him on and give him false hope. Maybe we should take a break or maybe I should tell him to just break up with me. He should find his own happiness without worrying about me.
Relevant Comments
Commenter: You're numb. It happens when you lose your partner and you're grieving -- and under a great deal of stress. I think reddit as a whole takes divorce really blithely, but I read once that divorce is one of the most stressful life events, right after death of a loved one.
And I'm slightly curious -- you say your family is shocked that you're divorcing, because you seemed so in love, but the fact that your friends are delighted you're leaving your husband tells me that they've witnessed some not so great relationship dynamics?
OOP: Katy and Jessie were the only ones I told about the open marriage, so they're glad it finally ended in divorce. None of my other friends or family members know.
Commenter: I've read all of your posts, and I don't know why you're still protecting your ex by not telling people what he bullied you into doing. He HAD THE GIRL ALL PICKED OUT and wanted your approval so he could cheat.
Tell the damn world. I would. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Don't let your mother put the blame on you. You need a therapist who will help you build your self esteem.
OOP: I just feel embarrassed I let it get to this point, I guess. I probably should have just gone with the divorce when the ultimatum was first issued.
Commenter: I’m glad you are healing. It sounds like mark wants more than you can give him right now, focus on healing and finding out who you are outside of this marriage.
It’s sad that your STBX ruined a loving marriage for kink se%. I’m glad you are divorcing, you deserve better. Definitely get therapy, it will help you navigate the next part of your life