Woman shares dramatic saga of divorce and 3 children; 'I can't BELIEVE I'm pregnant with my ex's child AGAIN.' UPDATED 3X

When this woman is upset with how her life turned out, she asks the internet:

"I'm having a baby with my former husband after they divorced (new update). Any advice?"

This is long long long. I’m sorry, I’ve sort of written a novel here. I wanted to post this in a relationship advice group, but the subject matter isn’t allowed. My ex-husband and I were married for 10 years, although the last 2 were spent in variations of separation.

We’ve been divorced for roughly a year. We have 3 kids: 10, 8, 5.

I’m pregnant with our 4th baby. I don’t know if we’ll actually be parents to 4 kids or not. I’m so conflicted. We are so conflicted.

There was no abuse or cheating in our marriage, although he did sleep with somebody else during our separation. There are a variety of other reasons why we ultimately got divorced.

After the initial feelings of failure and heartache, and there was an immense amount of heartache on my end despite being the one who filed for divorce, we were able to get along pretty well.

It become platonic so quickly and it’s like when we removed the romantic and married relationship from the equation things got so much better. We split time with our kids 50/50.

That’s really hard for me because being mom is such a huge part of my identity that I still sometime struggle to know what to do with myself during his time with the kids.

Ultimately I’m happy that he’s a loving involved father and I’m glad that it they do spend half their time with him, even if I still sometimes cry over not being with them all the time. We still do things together as a family sometimes. We sit together at our kids’ activities, things like that.

He has a girlfriend now. She seems nice. He met her not long after our divorce was finalized. It hurt. I cried way too much over it. He waited over 6 months to introduce her to our kids, which I was thankful for. My kids like her.

Our youngest child was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital not long ago. He had surgery. In the grand scheme of things it was a pretty minor surgery and he’s absolutely fine now, but this is my baby and he had to spend multiple nights in the hospital, so this was a big deal for me.

My ex-husband was there the entire time, being a great dad, being a supportive “partner” to me as I worried over every little thing. We spent all those nights in the hospital together and I remembered why I married him.

He was always able to be the strong, level headed rock for me. He was this safe person who I knew would take care of everything and protect me. When we were in the hospital he told me that I’m the most important woman in his life, still.

When our son was discharged, my ex-husband came back to my house. MY baby was home safe, our other two children were excited to be home after staying with my husband’s sister for several nights. We were all together at home like a family again. That night after our kids were in bed we had se%.

I hadn’t been hoping for it or planning it. It was just like as soon as the kids were tucked away I’m their rooms we were having this intensely passionate, needy, amazing se% that we shouldn’t have been having. We went to sleep in my bed and at some point in the middle of the night we had se% again.

The next morning we both decided our emotions with the whole situation with our son just got the better of us. We said we didn’t regret sleeping together but that’s all it was and we were just going to go back to our normal divorced lives. We wouldn’t make it awkward, just move on.

Then I found out I was pregnant. We didn’t use a condom. I don’t even have condoms in my house anymore. I’m not on birth control. I haven’t been since we divorced. I haven’t needed it since I haven’t had the time or interest ti start dating again.

I really wanted to be single for a while. I know I was ovulating when we slept together, which was probably a contributing subconscious factor as to why it happened.

My body sees him being a good dad to our kids and it wants another! My cycle is like clockwork and we’ve always conceived on the first try every time we’ve “tried” to get pregnant. Our first kid was not even a try, it was a “two weeks before your wedding you find out you’re pregnant and spend your honeymoon with morning sickness” surprise.

So now I’m about 8 weeks pregnant. I’ve known for about a week. I just told him this past weekend. I didn’t know if I would tell him at all. I realize now that I only told him in hopes that he’d tell me what to do and figure the situation out for me. Only he didn’t.

I know it makes no sense to have a baby with somebody I chose to divorce. I don’t need a 4th child. Why can’t I let go of this though?

Update 1:

I posted about a week ago. My ex husband and I have been divorced for about a year. We have 3 kids, ranging from 10-5 years old.

We have gotten along great since the divorce, better than when we were married. It’s almost like we’re friends, can do things with our kids, and enjoy being around each other.

About 2 months ago, our youngest unexpectedly ended up having surgery and spending several nights in the hospital. He’s fine now. My ex husband and I stayed together with our son the entire time he was in the hospital.

When he was discharged, my ex-husband came back to my house (or former family home) at our son’s request. He was just supposed to spend a few hours there, help our son get settled, then go home.

However, I guess all of the emotions and being together as a family in our former shared home got the better of us and we ended up having se% twice that night.

Now, I’m 9 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t on birth control (was on it until after our divorce was finalized, but have been intentionally remaining single for a while and not involved with men in any way, so was giving my body a break from birth control).

Initially we were undecided about what to do, but as of last weekend we made the decision together to have the baby. It feels sort of crazy to me, definitely not a situation I ever imagined I’d find myself in. I already picture this baby looking just like our other kids.

I guess that’s why I struggled with the idea of not continuing with the pregnancy, which I know isn’t really a valid reason to have a baby. This is probably the last baby I’ll ever have.

I’m 39 so even if I were to meet a man who I trusted enough to want to have a child with and a future with, I’ll be well into my 40s by then (I plan to be very picky, but I’m not even at the point of wanting to find somebody new yet).

We’re not getting back together, for now. We get along great when we’re not married and living in the same house. We feel it’d be irresponsible to all of our children to attempt to get back together right now because of this.

Chances are higher that we’ll be able to co-parent this baby successfully if we live separately; however, we are committed to working together to do what has to be done to take care of the baby when he or she gets here.

Our kids are doing so great right now and they seem very happy and secure with the current set up of our lives and homes so we want to stick with this for now.

I don’t know if I really understand what I’m getting myself into. Our other kids were all born into a marriage and a two-parent home. I know that sharing custody of a baby will be a lot different than the kids going back and forth between homes. I might be feeling too positive about it, but I think it could work out fine. The new baby will just see this as normal, right?

Next thing to worry about will be having to explain this to everyone when we tell them. My family and friends will get over it but I’m especially concerned with explaining it to our kids. I’m worried our oldest won’t take the news well. She also knows what sex is and how babies are made.

And for everyone concerned about his girlfriend - she’s not his girlfriend anymore.

These two are 100% getting back together within a year and then breaking up again in another.

Update 2:

Several people have asked me for an update on my situation. My ex-husband and I are having a baby. My other posts are on my profile. A recap is that we were married for 10 years, divorced for almost 1.5 years now, and have 3 kids together. We slept together twice during a stressful family time and I ended up pregnant.

We’ve since admitted we are both still in love with each other, but have not actually declared that we’re back together, mainly for the same of our kids. I last posted toward the end of January.

I’m 28 weeks pregnant. We’re having a little girl. As far as the pregnancy goes, it’s been like a textbook pregnancy and so I feel pretty good, just more tired than I ever remember being during pregnancy before.

My husband and I continue to live separately and share custody of our kids. We each have them 50% of the time. They’re all aware that we’re having a baby and none of them seem to be deeply confused or emotionally damaged by their divorced parents having a baby together.

We explained it in an age appropriate way. Our oldest child was more grossed out that her parents had sex than anything else, since she now understands what sex is and how babies are made. We’ve been involving her quite a bit and she’s excited now. I even took her to one of my appointments.

She’s excited to have a baby sister and she understands that mom and dad love her and her siblings, that we love this new baby, and that we love each other as people and as parenting partners without actually being together as a married couple in one house.

Meanwhile, my husband and I have started to attend couples counseling. We tried marriage counseling when we were separated before we divorced, but I think we were both already pretty mentally done so counseling didn’t do much for us then.

I think we’re getting way more out of it now because we’re actually invested in it and putting in a lot of effort. Sometimes I feel great after a session, and at other times I feel not so great and am reminded of reasons why we divorced. Overall, I think it’s a good thing for us no matter what happens with our relationship.

We’ve been sleeping together for the last few months. We already agreed that we won’t be seeing other people at this time. I wouldn’t be saying while pregnant anyway, and it’s not as if I’ll even have time with 3 kids and a newborn.

We agreed that we will not open ourselves to being with other people while we are working on our relationship and before that conversation is had between us.

We are carrying on just as we have been since our divorce, as far as our kids are concerned. Dad doesn’t spend the night at our house. We do things together as a family sometimes, but we were doing that even before anything was rekindled between. We’re not acting as a couple when we’re together as a family. We’re friendly with each other, but there is no holding hands, kissing, etc.

Our main concern is our kids. We refuse to say we’re back together. If we officially get back together, we really want to feel certain that it’d be for the long term, that we’re ready to commit to that. We don’t want to give our kids whiplash or do anything to make them seek insecure about our family.

We would like to get to that point, but we aren’t there yet. I think if my husband had his way we’d be there. He’s ready to say he’s there now. He’d love to move back home. But he understands and agrees with my reasoning. I’d love for him to move back home too, based only on emotions.

We both have things to work on, separately and together. I want to be a better spouse this time around. I thought I was being a really great wife, and I was on the surface.

I also know that right now I feel so in love and am hopped on on hormones and pregnancy happiness (I always feel super happy, super positive, and super horny during pregnancy, and I know I have to be careful with trusting anything I feel during this time because it’s like I’m on a 24/7 natural high.)

I think the biggest issue right now is that he’s far more “let’s throw caution to the wind” (even though he agrees with all of my reasoning) and I want to be way more careful.

FINAL UPDATE (a few weeks ago):

I’ve made a few posts about my husband I getting pregnant after we divorced. We were married for 10 years and had 3 kids before getting divorced. We got along so much better after we divorced and we have been really good co-parents during this time, but we were functioning strictly as friendly co-parents.

We slept together around 1 year after our divorce was finalized and conceived a 4th baby, which we ultimately decided to keep.

Our 4th child, a sweet baby girl, was born at the end of May. She’s so perfect and we both feel we made the right choice to bring her into the world. It was the smoothest, easiest birth I’ve had and I take that as a sign.

I feel like I fell in love with him all over again during labor and delivery and that’s when I knew I was ready to make our relationship official and public to everyone, including our children.

Contrary to all the assumptions, our kids really don’t seem to be negatively affected or confused about the baby, and I don’t think the newest baby is getting any less love or attention than our 3 kids born within our marriage had/have.

This is normal to them now. They understand we’re still a family and no matter what we’ll always be a family whether mom and dad live together.

We are still living separately and technically still maintaining the custody schedule we had in place for our oldest 3 kids...although, the kids are with me every weekday right now since it’s summer break and I’m on maternity leave. We have a different arrangement for the baby, but he does take her overnight a few nights a week.

I got our family home in the divorce and he spends time here with all of us. He has spent some nights here at home to help with the baby, but he doesn’t stay in my bedroom quite yet. He has not moved in, although he has tried and continues to suggest it. This is probably the biggest point of contention these days.

To me, this feels like the best of both worlds. I love him and truly don’t want to be with anyone else. I think I sort of function better and am happier also living in my own space that he just visits. I know it’s not the norm and some might say this means I don’t really love him as much as I think.

I really believe I’m just one of those people who needs more independence and alone time, and maybe we never would have got divorced in the first place if this had been the arrangement from the beginning. Is it sort of selfish? Maybe. I don’t know anyone else with this arrangement, but I know some people out there do this.

For all intents and purposes, we are together in a relationship again. We’ve made it “official” and exclusive (as juvenile as that sounds). We had already made it official between ourselves but we hadn’t really announced it to family and friends or our kids. We are still in love with each other or back in love with each other and we are not seeing anyone else.

Our kids have adjusted well. They’ve been seeing a therapist since we filed for divorce, so that has really helped us navigate some of this. Prior to the baby’s birth we did not tell them that we were essentially in a relationship. Only so long you can keep that a secret from your kids.

Even though they’re young, they’re perceptive. So we’ve recently explained to them that mommy and daddy love each other but we get along better living in separate homes and for now we think this is the best thing for our family.

The only problem is that now they keep asking about when we will all live together again. I’m sure it’s a little confusing to them, but I’m not sure how we could be handling it any better.

We attempted marriage counseling when we separated, before divorce. It was not successful. I don’t think either of us was 100% committed to it at the time. He really did not take it seriously back then, but I was more stubborn and resistant than I originally realized. We’re in couple’s therapy now and it’s like night and day compared to last time.

I’m scared to live together again, so we aren’t going to do that anytime soon. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust us as a couple. I refuse to put my kids through all of that again.

So, getting remarried and moving in together isn’t something in the plans right now. Maybe one day. I hope we can get to that point. I just don’t want my kids to have to go through a divorce and splitting households yet again. I feel like they’d lose all trust in us then.

OOP on their living situation: I think it might be best for us to find a way to each have our own place next to each other or on the same property, instead of one actual house that we share.

Other than not living together, we are together. It’s no different than any other couple that’s dating but doesn’t live together. Well, it’s a little different since we share kids and we were once married and I still usually refer to him as my husband, but not too different.

We aren’t keeping our relationship a secret anymore, so we aren’t pretending to not be together. Everyone knows now. We spend a lot of time together. But yeah, he may eventually want more than I do, as in a relationship where we live together 24/7.

At this point, the hubby's ex-gf was firmly in the rearview mirror, and OOP was still brushing it off as if it is no biggie, but I found one exchange that people may find interesting.

OOP (downvoted)

Yes he had a girlfriend at the time - it’s in my post history and I’m not trying to hide it, but we have moved well beyond that now.

Response People are down voting her comment because it is pretty black-and-white when it comes to cheating. Cheating hurts others and a lot of people value living in a world and having actions that don’t result and hurting others.

He was in a relationship and committed to his girlfriend when he decided that he had the right to sleep with his ex and not immediately tell her that he did it.

She deserved better than to get trauma from someone who claimed to be committed to her, but was willing to step out on her. Cheating on someone does result in emotional trauma. Which will affect how they will view love and relationships going forward.

Personally, if he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with her, then he should’ve left her alone. I am tired of men in particular getting into relationships with women when they know they are not clearly over there ex partner. It is a sign of selfishness and pure disregard of another human beings health.

She was used as an emotional support and se% object by him. Because no one that respects their partner would do something this cruel. So I’m not going to cheer on someone who could’ve just avoided this entire situation by not being in a relationship when he was clearly not ready to be in one, and hurt someone deeply.

Edit: I want to add additional thought as well. Cheating is not only an emotional hurt but a sign that you give zero care about your partner's health. He was presumably still having s% with his ex girlfriend after sleeping with no condoms with his ex wife.

With the rate of se%ually transmitted diseases and infections increasing and the likelilhood of the disease being antibiotic resistant, he told his ex that he had zero care for health and emotional well being. She had the basic right to know that he slept with another person while still being intimate with her.

Especially with no form of protection. Not calling the ex wife dirty but with the risk of catching a disease thats incurable or opens you up to higher risk of illness, every person who is engaging in a se%ual relationships deserves honesty.

OOP: All of this may be true. I’m not arguing anything you said. But I’d like to know what everyone thinks we’re supposed to do about it. We can’t go back in time and undo what we did. Maybe redditors feel that as an act of penance we should not be together, despite very much wanting to, since that’s what we deserve for hurting her in the process.

We should never be allowed to move on and have any happiness in our lives, together or separate, because we did something at one time that hurt somebody.

Short of publicly flogging ourselves and maybe not allowing ourselves to ever be in a relationship with anyone ever again as a form of self punishment, what are we supposed to do to satisfy the masses? Neither of us are proud of hurting somebody.