Woman shares family drama saga; 'My SIL is bitter that her ex proposed to me. Now she's banned from our family.' AITA? UPDATED 5X

"SIL is bitter her ex proposed to me and this got her banned from our family. AITAH for this?"

This may be a little confusing but I will try to make it as clear as possible. My (27F) fiance's ex is now my older brother's wife, so my SIL. To make it less confusing my fiancee is George, my brother is David and my SIL is Ella.

George (38M) briefly dated Ella (34F) 4 years ago. Ella wanted to get married and have kids but George did not want this with her. He was also having a lot of issues back then, partying, doing drugs and not being the most reliable person.

They dated for 6 months and everything ended in drama because Ella was not able to make George want to settle with her.

Soon after their breakup she met my brother and they got married 6-7 months after. So yeah they moved really fast and basically Ella dated her ex, broke up with him, met my brother and got married to him, everything in only 1 year and a couple of months.

I met George 2 years ago and at that time Ella was already married to my bro. Back then I had no idea that George was Ella's ex. When George started to feel attracted to me he changed completely.

He quit drinking (he has been sober ever since), started going to therapy and overall became a new person. He did this because he wanted to change and I have been with him during his entire healing journey. I am very proud of him and we have a healthy and amazing relationship.

Even if Ella was already married to my brother, she was furious when she found out I was dating George and that he was serious with me. She was so cruel and said a lot of nasty lies.

She used to tell everyone that George was grooming me (I was 25 when we became a thing and he was 36, this is not grooming ffs), she lied that George was @busing me, trying to get me to become an addict like him and many other things. This ruined my relationship with my brother because he never did anything to make her stop.

George and I announced our engagement to my family last week during my dad's birthday. My parents were happy for us but Ella said "It must be nice to be the one to get the ring after someone else struggled to fix him". Again no reaction from my brother as usual.

My parents told her to stop but I just snapped and told her something along the lines "He fixed himself you POS, and yes it is nice to know I will be married to the man I love more than anything and who loves me the same. But how is it for you knowing that no one else except my idiot brother ever wanted to marry you? Does it feel nice?".

My parents kicked them out after this. They told her that everybody had enough of her BS, she is insane because althoug being married she is still bitter over the fact that her ex did not want her.

She is officially banned from every family event and my brother is now blaming me. So AITAH in this situation? I don't think I am honestly but I want to also hear some unbiased perspective.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

anivriacamwt writes:

NTA. And honestly what the hell with your bother ?! Sounds like Ella just wanted to get married for the sake of being married, not because she was in love with David.

Your parents make the right call banning her, but be cautious and hire security for the wedding day, she may try to pull some shenanigans and cause drama. By the way, at 25+ grooming is non existent, you are a grown ass woman by then, so she is ignorante on top of all.

OP replies:

Why should I be banned from my own family? I am my parent's child and she is an in law. I will soon be an in law to my future husband's family but I would never attack his relatives in their homes.

Also, my relationship with George is not doomed. We are happy, we love each other and we really have a healthy relationship. A frustrated woman who cannot get over something that happened 4 years ago will not ruin my relationship.

fadestop writes:

Your SIL being banned is essentially banning your brother as well. Would George actually go to family events if you weren’t allowed to go?

OP replies:

No, he would not go without me. But my brother was asked multiple times to address this and keep his wife in line and he did not, he keeps making excuses for her. Just to be clear, I was able to tolerate this woman for years and I did it only for my brother, but apparently he was not able to ask his wife to stop.

gaptho writes:

Yeah, I think we have an unreliable narrator here. George is not sounding like a knight in shining armor, and from Ella’s comments that she’s trying to keep OP from something bad happening, maybe the family should ask her for specifics?

Maybe Ella isn’t bitter that her ex didn’t want her. Maybe she knows something OP doesn’t. This is some messy shit, and I definitely think we are missing information.

OP replies:

I can respect your opinion and thank you for your feedback. Yes, this is how she made it seem, that she knows things that I am too young and in love to see, that she is looking out for me.

Some lies that she said are: that George is grooming me - false, I am a consenting adult. Yes, we have an age gap but it's not like I am 15 and he is 11 years older.

She said George will influence me to drink and do drugs to become like him - false, he never did anything like this. He never ever did that with her either.

Although in her narrative she is trying to make people see George as a dangerous man who is running down the street with a needle to corrupt people to do drugs with him, this is not the case at all. Even when he used, he was not like that.

He has always been a functional adult, he has a good paying job but in the past he was spending his free time at parties, getting drunk or high to numb out some of his feelings and he was clearly not relationship material.

She said his change is not real, that he is just a predator, faking to be a good guy now just to get me. This is false also, I am the one living with him for 2 years and I think I know better what's happening in my house. So no, even if she deludes herself Ella does not know George better than I do\

OP replies:

I love my brother and we used to have a great relationship before. Since he is older, he was always my protector but I am deeply hurt and disapointed in how he acted during the last years. Ella and I never bonded or had a close relationship.

How did I respond to the snide comments. At first I tried to be polite and chill but when her comments did not stop I also became unkind to her.

Update:

This update will be very long so if you don't want to waste time reading the first part, you can skip directly to the actual update.

Thank you so much for all you comments and reaching out to me! I don't know what I excepted when I posted, I guess I wanted to receive some unbiased feedback from an outside perspective, but I never expected this.

I was really overwhelmed with how kind and nice most of you were so once again thank you and sorry for not being able to reply to all the comments!

For those who were not on the same page, I understand and respect that you have a different opinion. From my initial post I have left out a lot of details because it's a long story but some of you were curious about what actually happened and asked me to provide more details so buckle up, I will do just that.

How I met my future husband - I got asked a lot if I live in a trailer park or small town with only a bar available. The answer is no, we actually live in a big city with a population of a couple millions of people.

I met my fiancé through a mutual friend. My girlfriend was dating one of George's colleagues and they all began to hang out for drinks after work since they were all in the same building.

At some point I had no plans for that day and my girlfriend invited me to go with them to a bar and this is how we were introduced. After this we started having different group activities together and things slowly progressed.

George targeted his ex's younger SIL to spite her/there was no coincidence that we started dating - as absurd as it may sound it was indeed an ironic coincidence. You may think out of the millions of people there are in a city, what are the chances for you to start dating your SIL's ex.

Well it happened to me and we did not know about it in the beginning. The girlfriend that asked me to go with them to a bar did not know Ella, never saw her IRL and she never saw her with George.

When George met me he had no idea that I had any connection to Ella, so there was no chance for him to be an evil mastermind and intentionally date me just to spite her. I did not take George home to meet my family immediately either.

Maybe I am the weird one but I was never the type to parade my boyfriends in front of my parents if I was not sure the relationship was going to last.

I broke the girls code - I do not consider that I did. Let's be clear, I have a couple of true friends, they have been my friends for many years and I would do anything for them. I am a very loyal person and I know the girls code very well.

When we eventually found out the connection Ella had with both of us, I was shocked and I asked the same question that many of you did - what were the chances? It was a very uncomfortable position to be in. Even though I had no relationship with Ella except the obvious one of her being my SIL, it was strange to know that they dated.

I wanted to find out what happened before taking any decision and I did. The way I saw things - there was no reason for me to "punish" George for having a past. We were in love, we were happy and Ella was already married to my brother.

I may have been selfish but I thought is this man and our relationship worth it? And the answer was yes, to me he was, is and will always be worth it. Also, we see my brother and Ella only a couple of times/year. Most of the times (for obvious reasons) we prefer to visit my parents separately.

George's addictions - so many of you reached out to me being concerned about this and I wanted to thank you for caring and say I am sorry you had to go through traumatic experiences with addicts.

Some of your stories were hard to read and I appreciate immensely that you were open to share your experiences with a stranger. I understand why most of you were triggered by my story but George was not that type of addict. He had a lot of unresolved trauma, he was lonely, unloved and ashamed so his coping mechanism were parties, alcohol and drugs.

His entourage was also not the best...you can imagine that a bunch of 36 years old party-boys/girls are no good but at the end of the day when everyone else went home to their families, wives and kids, these were the people who could provide company to George.

I think it was more like all of them providing company to each other so they could feel less lonely. But other than this, George was a functional adult, he had a stable well paying job (he was and is still working as a software engineer), he was never violent etc.

George changed for me - no, George changed for himself and because he wanted to. He told me that I was the trigger that made him want to get his life in order but in a more meaningful way than just wanting to get into my pants. When we started hanging out as a group with my friend and his colleague, he learned how easy it was to interact and have fun without drugs or alcohol.

He also saw that I enjoyed spending time with him, I looked forward to seeing him every time and he understood that his sober self is not unlovable. He was longing for healthy relationships and normality but until that moment he felt like he was not deserving to have them. I think the way I helped him was solely because I saw and fell in love with his true self and that gave him confidence and purpose.

I am the golden child - there is no such thing in our family, my parents love my brother and I the same. Of course when they heard Ella's BS the first time they were worried for me but I was open with them. I told them how things happened, George was honest and never hid his troubled past from them and in the end they were ok with our relationship.

My parents trust me, trust my judgment and they only want to see me happy. And in regards to Ella, my parents are just doing what every parent should: defend their child. She was warned before. My parents talked to her, asked her to stop acting like this and told her she is out of line so it's not like they kicked her out the first time it happened.

Update 2:

Yesterday I contacted my brother and asked him to meet me for coffee. It was only the two of us and I think it was the first time I have opened my heart like this in front of him.

I started off by apologizing for him being caught in the middle but I told him I will never apologize or be sorry for loving George. I was honest and told him how much this situation has been affecting me. My brother is the same age as my fiancé so he is 11 years older than me.

During our childhood he was my protector, the person I looked up to. Due to our age difference we never really had many activities in common and I could not wait for the moment I grow up so I can get to share more with my brother as adults. But I did not get the chance to do this because of Ella.

David would always teach me to value myself, to choose people who treat me right and make me happy, however I am not able to share my happiness with him anymore. I understand why he would wish I never met George, but it still hurts knowing that your brother somehow resents the source of your happiness.

David would always defend me when I was younger even in front of our parents. When I was 15 I was experimenting with makeup and it looked bad, really bad. During a family function one of our uncles got drunk and told me to stop using makeup because I was too young to look like a hooker.

David got mad and kicked him out for offending his sister. This is the kind of brother he used to be and to now see how he stays aside and allows his wife to be offensive and cruel it's really hurtful. I do not care that she is like that towards me, I don't like Ella at all and I could easily ignore her.

But what gets to me the most is she constantly trying to belittle and humiliate my future husband. I have lived with this man for 2 years, I have shared so many things with him during this time and I am certain I know better what kind of man he is.

I know how hard it was for him to heal all his trauma, I know how hard he worked day by day to become the best version of himself, I know how much he loves me, protects me, supports me and I simply loose it when I hear her crap and how she is constantly trying to bring him down.

Yes, I go bear mode when he is involved as someone told me in the comments but I don't care. I will not allow any of my family members to abuse the person I love. I may have tolerated things for my brother's sake but I will never be quiet in front of his b of a wife.

I told my brother that I love him and I will always cherish the memories I have with him but we cannot go on like this. I understand he is a victim and I am ready to do anything for him if he is willing to accept that his marriage is not good, that Ella is not a good woman and is @busing him.

I cannot force him to divorce her because this has to be his choice but I told him I will accept his decision no matter what that is. He will always be my brother but George is my family now. We plan on having kids in the near future and there is no way in hell I will ever allow his lunatic of a wife to be near my kids.

I also refuse to subject George to the @buse. We tried...we thought that this rough period will eventually pass and that everything will be ok but unfortunately Ella became more and more bitter and disgusting. We will still see my parents but I am standing my ground and will not go to their house if she is present.

David and I cried a lot and for the first time in many years I felt like I had my brother back. He apologized over and over again and explained a lot of things to me which gave me the chance to understand him better.

But at the same time I am so angry that I had no idea what was happening to my brother. Some people said that David was a rebound for Ella but it seems they were both a rebound for the other. What made them marry so fast was the age pressure.

My brother was feeling like it was very hard to connect with someone and the prospect of being able to have a family of his own seemed very far away until Ella came and offered him the possibility to have exactly what he wanted without too much struggle. So yeah...in the end I guess we are all some messed up people in a way or another.

I don't know what's going to happen, David said he plans to take some time, go away alone for a couple of days and think what he wants to do. But he said that when he'll be back he wants to have a chat with George to apologize to him as well for everything that has happened.

My brother knows that everything Ella says is false, he said everyone is able to see how much George loves me and that we make a great couple and there are times when he wished to also have something like this in his life.

He told me he is proud of the woman I have become and that no matter what happens, I will always be his little sister. After this I went home and cried some more with George besides me. I have tried to play strong and denied myself to feel hurt for so long that yesterday I have finally exploded. But it was good because now I feel better.

Update 3:

No one expects them to suddenly be BFFs or spend a lot of time together, we do not have the same group of friends, we do not have vacations/trips together so how is my future husband forced into her life?

We only ever meet up for family related ocasions which are not that many to be honest. In a year we have Easter, Christmas and my parents' birthdays (so 4 events) and maybe sometimes some weddings of extended family members but that's it.

Also, no one asked her to do anything or be nice to us. I only ever asked her to ignore us like I do to her so basically she was asked to behave like an adult.

As an adult sometimes you will have to share the same space with people you are not really fond of, however you should be able to be civil and do not make stupid comments.

I never liked her, not even before George. So I can also she is forced into my life? I guess so, but I understood sometimes I have to see her because she is my brother's wife and that was it.

I can understand her experience with my future husband was very different than what I have with him and I can respect her not liking him. However, I will never accept her idiot comments, her nasty remarks, her lies and overall her being a shitty person towards us. She should fix her issues with a therapist not act like we are her punching bag.

Update 4:

She had the guts (multiple times I should say) to come to my parents' house and offend me (their daughter) in their presence even after they were polite enough and asked her to stop so again I don't think that she is being too nice to my brother behind closed doors.

Yes, I did and I talked to my parents and we will target the topic full force when he comes back. I fear she is manipulating him with this in order to make him accept more than he should.

Maybe convincing him that at their age it is too late to find someone to start a family with. But hell even my fiance is willing to talk to him and use himself as an example that it is never too late and you should not settle for toxic people

Update 5:

Hey! It's been some time since my last update and I kept receiving questions about what's new with my family drama so I decided to update once again.

TL;DR: my brother David is divorcing his wife and we found out a lot of details about her. As expected she is not taking the divorce lightly.

As planned, David did take some time for himself and went to a retreat cabin for a week. He went there alone because he wanted to have the space and time to rethink his life choices. This was exactly what he told Ella but left out the location because he did not want to risk her showing up there.

The first day he was away, Ella contacted my parents and me to ask us about my brother's location. We did not disclose anything. On Wednesday that week I was contacted by some of my brother's friends.

They wanted to know if my brother was ok and if it was true that David was cheating on Ella. Initially I was very confused on why would they think that but they told me that Ella has been going around complaining to people that my brother was cheating on her and that we, his family were on board with it and covering up his affair.

I told my bro's friends that this was not true but I decided to be petty so I went on social media, uploaded a photo of me with my brother and wrote how proud I am of him that he is taking this time to focus on mental health and his wellbeing.

Some hour later Ella called me and demanded I take down my post because I was embarrassing her. I played dumb and asked her why would a post dedicated to my brother would ever embarrass her. She never answered, never admitted to lying and I never took down my post, it will stay where it is for posterity.

After my brother returned from the retreat he asked me, George and my parents to meet up at our parents' place and talk. He apologized for everything that happened with his wife and told us a lot of things about Ella.

Apparently she is a very jealous person and she has a constant need to put others down so she can look better or feel superior. Bro gave us a lot of examples of shitty things she did including to some of her relatives and supposed friends.

One of her female cousins works for a transport company so most of her colleagues at work are men. Ella told this cousin's husband that there are high chances of her cousin cheating since she spends every day surrounded by men.

Her cousin was pregnant at that time and I don't know if she was trying to imply the baby may not be her husband's but still...needless to say they don't speak to Ella anymore.

She had a girlfriend who got into a relationship with a guy. Ella kept telling this girl bad things about her partner that she supposedly heard from other people. She was never able to tell who she heard it from, most likely she invented everything.

That's why her family members avoid her and never invite her to functions and she does not have any friends. People from their circle were friends with my bro before he married her so they are just tolerating her for his sake.

I mentioned that Ella must be abusing my brother and a lot of people took it the wrong way. When I mentioned abuse, I did not mean it as physical abuse, but more like emotional abuse.

I guess everyone has their own way of seeing things, but for me being married and still being pissed about things that happened with your ex years ago is clearly a sign of disrespect towards your spouse.

And if someone is able to openly disrespect their spouse over and over again in front of their family, it's a high chance for that person to do more than disrespect behind closed doors.

My bro clearly struggles to see his self-worth at the moment and this is also the reason why he accepted too many things from his wife. But we will be with him, always support him and remind him what an awesome guy he is.

Also, many people were outraged and called me an AH for calling my brother an idiot. I don't know if all of your families and relationships are like those you see in commercials, but in real life siblings fight and sometimes when they fight, they may call each others names.

This doesn't mean I don't love my brother or that I don't respect him. But if I see him acting like an idiot, I will always say it to his face and explain why I think he is an idiot.

I apologized for calling him an idiot and he said there is no need to apologize because he expects me to always be honest with him even if sometimes the truth may hurt. And I understand because I expect the same from him.

Anyways, David confronted Ella with everything that she has been doing and told her she needs to get help.

She refuses to accept she has any problem, she states that "everything that she has ever done came from a place of love and care for that person" (riiight, because when you care for your cousin you lie to her husband that she may be cheating on him or when you care for your SIL you lie to everyone that she is forced to do drugs by her partner).

She did not take the divorce well but not because she was losing my brother, but because she saw this as a failure that shattered her perfect image she had of herself.

Maybe after some time passes I will actually be able to feel sorry for her because she is a sad person with so many issues that refuses to get help. Of course Ella blamed the divorce on me and our family, claiming that David is choosing us over her, so clearly she does not take any kind of responsibility for her actions.

David however warned her that if she continues spreading lies about our family, we will hire a lawyer and take legal actions against her.

At the end of the day if she still insists with her crap, she will have to prove everything in court. Of course we don't want to get to this, but she needs to understand that we cannot say whatever we want about other people and not face the consequences.

In the meantime, George and I are planning our wedding and my bro will be George's groomsman. They really had the chance to bond and even discovered they actually have a lot in common. I don't want to be mean but ever since Ella is out of the picture, our family gatherings happen more often than before and the atmosphere is so light.

My brother is slowly going back to his old self, he is having a good time with us, no stress, no dissociating, he is just present and enjoying. So that's it for now. I don't know if this was the update you were expecting but I can say I am happy. We are slowly healing from everything that had happened this past years and I am positive that in the end we will be closer and stronger than before.