Woman shares horrifying saga of her husband's obsession with her boss; 'His fascination is all my fault.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman is upset with her husband and boss, she asks the internet:
"My(f26) husband (m29) is obsessed with my boss(f38) and it’s all my fault. AITA?"
I started this job about 1,5 years ago. I can’t say what it is because I want us to stay anonymous and our country is very small so my boss would probably be recognized.
The moment I started I felt like I was in the right place. My boss, the owner of the company is very cool and kind. She’s self-made and she loves her job. She does lot of the dirty work herself that bosses who has 30-35 employees wouldn’t have to do. But she just loves it.
On top of that, we have a 6h work day, our salaries are 20% higher than the market and we have 7 paid vacation weeks a year. Her reasons? She appreciates us and she’s getting richer anyway.
I was so proud of working with a woman like her so I wouldn’t shut up talking about her to my husband. Especially in the beginning. My husband was as fascinated by her as I am until he met her in a company party last Christmas. She must’ve been beautiful when she was young. She could’ve been a model.
I think his fascination became a crush or an obsession or maybe worse, love. Now he follows her on SM. Her accounts are private but he stalk her with my account. He also follows the company IG and likes every picture she’s in. He asks about her all the time.
She’s a very private person but when her divorce from her ex husband was finalized in the beginning of this year we all found out because he started showing up to work. He owned 1/2 her company now and he started to try to make changes in our work hours and salaries.
We found out that her husband had cheated on her with a younger girl who he also tried to employ in our company(she still works with us). She (probably lawyers involved) eventually convinced her husband to sell her back his share. We’re still in this process now.
My husband has followed all this and he was so sad for her. And so angry. How could anyone do this when they had a woman like her? If it was him he would cherish her, love her, bla bla bla.
Who leaves a woman for a girl. I got very angry and told him that all men prefer younger women if they could choose. He laughed at me and told me only losers do that.
The last drop was last Friday. We were out for a movie night and we saw my boss with a young man. He looked in his mid 20’s. My husband lost it. “He didn’t know that she dated younger men” he wanted us to go say hello but I refused and yelled at him to control himself because he looked pathetic.
When we got home he was frenetically going through her SM. Until he found the guy and he sighed in relief. The guy was her nephew and we didn’t see the whole company but they were out with other family members. My husband was so happy like a weight lifted off his chest.
I lost it on him. I started crying and yelling and told him he was in love with her and he was shocked when I pushed and kicked him out of our bedroom. I locked the door. He stood outside trying to calm me down telling me he loved me and I’m his girl and always will be. Then he said something that ruined me even further. “It’s not like someone like her would look my way.”
I haven’t slept since then. Why is he feeling like this? Is it love? Infatuation? She’s too old for my husband so what is it? And why would he think he couldn’t have her? He’s very handsome and still young.
She should feel lucky a young handsome man likes her. And does he mean I’m less than her to accept him? Or is it purely her money and status? He refuses to admit anything.
And what can I do now? I love this job. I love the benefits. Thanks to this job our life has improved and we can afford more than just the necessities. I’m starting to hate my boss though and I hate myself for idolizing her in front of my husband.
Edit: sorry this is getting longer. But I have spoken to my mother, sister, granny and some friends about this. And about what happened last Friday and they all think I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
nearlydream7 writes:
Keep the job, dump the husband. I’m not saying divorcé obviously but your feelings are 100% valid! Most women would feel the exact same way.
Why is he so obsessed with her? Why is he getting jealous of her potential boyfriends? If this behaviour doesn’t stop and he doesn’t prove to you (with ACTIONS not just words) that you are the woman he is in love with and wants to be with, then it’s time to consider whether this marriage is over. Do NOT have a baby with this man until you are sure of where you stand with him.
Your boss sounds amazing, a real girl boss and has nothing to do with this. She’s clearly very beautiful, and lmao 40 is not old. I know it’s hard not to project but realise she has no fault here, it’s all your husband to blame here.
He’s being an IDIOT right now and needs to realise that he will lose his marriage if he doesn’t get his head out of this obsession and face his eyes back to his wife!
desertdame writes:
Grandma hard advice time. The reason your peeps are saying stay with him is because they see a nice guy they’ve known for years. They see you being jealous for nothing. BUT. They don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. No one does except the spouses.
You are seeing a man in the throes of infatuation that has escalated to stalking to extreme jealousy of a “date”. This is not normal behavior. This is scary behavior. This can go only two way right now. He will either force himself on her with some romantic lame BS. And you lose your job.
Or he will burn out his infatuation and come back home and settle for you. You lose your mind trying to be number one when you know you will never be that. You can possibly/will be the mother of his children and he will possibly be happy to have stayed. But will you?
BUT you are young. So young. Is this how you want to spend decades of your life. With a guy who was madly passionate for something else and you’re not it?
Do you still love him? If so time to take action. You take back your power in this. You go for a legal separation this week. Not next month. This week. You ask him to leave. You tell him go follow your dreams.
You take the six months to reassess your life. He takes the six months. More than likely. He will come crawling back to you and begging for forgiveness. He will learn a harsh lesson.
Can’t have your cake and eat it too. You will learn that maybe you like your independence and not being with a guy who thinks he settled for you. You aren’t the girl of 20 who fell in love. You’re all grown up now. You get to decide your life. He doesn’t. Hope this helps.
fafa% writes:
The behaviour he is showing is not normal. I completely empathise with you, I think this situation would make anyone feel incredibly insecure and do the whole “what has she got that I don’t?!?” -
a lot of women end up feeling resentful towards the other woman but she hasn’t done anything wrong here, tearing her down to try make yourself feel better won’t work. Deep down you know this.
It’s sad that a few sociatal views have seemed to really have imbedded in you here also, such as the “she would have been beautiful when she was young” and “all men prefer younger women” and look, I get it.
We have it rammed down our throats all the time that we are only of value when we are a curtain age or look a certain way - there’s so much pressure on us to conform to it but it’s simply not true and sometimes I guess we find an aspect of safety in those beliefs, especially when faced with a situation like yours.
Sure, there are guys out there who live by it but normally those guys are trash anyway - I mean, when are mens supposed expiry date?
I’m not highlighting that to knock you down either, I just really want you to check yourself on it and challenge it. Everyone alive is going to age, surely you’ll be happier if you don’t feel like your value is tied to that? I mean, one day you’ll be the 38 year old, then what?
The issue here is with your husband, his behaviour and how that’s impacting you. Would he be okay and see no problem if you did what he’s doing? If you got obsessed with an older man in his life and lost it if you saw that man with someone else - would he have no issue or not see it as incredibly problematic and inappropriate?
I think you really need to sit down with him and explain that what he is doing is not okay, that it’s making you feel incredibly insecure and that things need to change.
I’m not overly sure what can be done, therapy can help with somewhat understanding feelings but I’m not really sure if it would make him stop? It seems he doesn’t acknowledge the effect of his behaviour and fails to see how it’s bizarre.
Only you can really answer what is an acceptable outcome here. It would be a shame if you gave up your job as you’re happy there, they treat you well and the issue actually isn’t with them, it wouldn’t sit right with me for you to make sacrifices when your behaviour is not what’s causing the problems.
mirowzkitty writes:
There is no way your husband can actually love her. He doesn't really know her there is more to love than the good things and attraction.
He is infatuated with an idea of who he thinks she is. He doesn't know the bad and the uncomfortable of her. He doesn't accept her flaws and issues all he has is an unrealistic dream. It doesn't even seem as if he has ever really interacted with her according to your post.
You need to sit him down and tell him if you 2 are going to work you and he will not discuss her and he will not engage on her social media or with her.
You need to ask him if he really feels like he is being appropriate in regards to you and your relationships and how he would feel if you were doing the same thing with another man. He also needs consoling because he seems inordinately focused on what sounds like an acquaintance.
Also does he really think he would have a chance with a woman who divorced her husband because he cheated on her. I would assume from the way you described her that that is not something she would entertain. She wouldn't tear another woman down to build herself up.
Him saying she wouldn't have him is probably spot on but he most definitely shouldn't have said that and you really need to tell him why that statement is so harming and damning.
There were better ways he could have comforted you or reassured you and he picked one of the most harmful things he could have said. Either he is dumb as a rock or really just so single minded he needs help.
itsyaboi6b writes:
Your boss has done nothing wrong, it’s your husband with the obsession. Tell him to come clean, it’s obvious. Anyone with a brain cell could see he’s obsessed with her from your description. His actions sound like someone who is jealous and when you saw her out of work time with her nephew proves this. Tell him he needs to knock this shit off immediately.
Don’t do anything rash like leaving your job as it is not very often you work in a job you love and leaving because something that your husband is doing would be silly.
Be straight with him, tell him you’re not stupid and can see that he has some kind of infatuation with her. This needs nipping in the bud asap and definitely do not have a child with this guy whilst this scenario is ongoing.
And now, OP's 1st update:
Hi, I'm in so much pain and I don't know what to do. I don't want to do something stupid while hurting. I got a lot of good advice last time I was here so I don't know, maybe you can help me this time too? my old post is linked in my bio. I hope you read it before this one because I don't want to tell the whole story again.
I went against my family and friends and asked my husband for separation. They said I was being dramatic. I felt like my heart couldn't take it anymore, my intuition told me that my husband wasn't all mine. This was shortly after the event at the movies.
My husband was in total confusion. He said that I was making a mistake making a mountain out of a molehill but he moved in with his brother however. We decided to start couples counselling too.
It went well the first 3 weeks or so but my husband became more and more reluctant to participate and sometimes he just canceled on me last second. He stopped showing up this month and he also stopped calling and texting me.
I was even more heartbroken but it just solidified that my intuition was right and that I was doing the right thing seeing that he is not interested in working on us anymore.
I chose not to quit my job. I still loved it with all the heartbreak and I really needed the benefits, like I'm the only one I know who is having a 3 weeks paid vacation around Christmas and new year. I never see my boss anyway and she does't even know of my existence.
My husband eventually stopped being active on instagram and I thought it was normal because we were going through adversities uni yesterday when his brother shared my husbands stories of the night. My husband was in a restaurant holding a woman's hand, I could only see her hand.
So my husband has just "blocked" me and my family and friends from seeing his updates. I commented WTF? and this morning my husband called me, for the first time in month, totally scared and started begging please don't ruin this for me, please don't ruin this for me.
I told him what do you mean? He said don't tell her about us. I never made the connection at first. It never ever crossed my mind even. THAT WOMAN IN THE PICTURE WAS MY BOSS! I started crying and screaming at him. How could you do this to me?
How could you tell my that it was all in my head when it's obviously all over your instagram? He said it just happened. I dumped HIM and he was single and just happened to find her on bumble.
He begged me not to ruin this for him. She knows he's in the process of divorce but she doesn't know that he already knew who she was or that she was the boss of his stbx.
They have been seeing each other for 6 weeks(about 2 weeks after I asked him to move) and it is getting serious. He begged for a good 5 minuets telling me how he hasn't been this happy in all his life and that I shouldn't ruin his happiness since, again, I was the one who ENDED our marriage.
I have been crying since this morning. I don't know what to do. I want to ruin him and his "happiness" but I don't know if I have any right to do that AND I'm so worried about losing my job. Please help!
Update 2:
Ok my husband has been calling me nonstop and I have now answered him. He is panicking about me telling her everything so he begged me to give him the chance to tell her himself.
His words were, I never stalked her or creeped on her. I just fell for her and was scared that she would think I was creepy since you thought the same.
Give me a chance to tell her the truth in my own pace so at least she doesn't think I'm a liar or a freak like you seem to think. He still swears they matched on bumble (I didn't know what that is until now but it is like tinder?)
I'm just devastated right now. He has no regards for me and my feelings. Everything he is thinking of is not to scare her away. When I told him this he said that I was the one who left him.
People fall out of love and that okay and no one's fault and that I was in the right for ending the relationship but I was the one who ended it all the same. "Don't hurt us and I promise to give you everything you want. She is happy with me so don't hurt us"
Update 3:
I talked to my boss yesterday (Monday) after lunch. I told her everything. Basically how I was so happy I found this job, how I looked up to her and was proud to be working for someone like her and that this rubbed off on my husband who grew more obsessed with her each day.
I apologized for using "obsessed" because I didn't know how things were between them but that it was how I perceived his feelings. I told her about the day at the movie and how it basically made me realize that our issues were greater than I thought.
I told her that I know and accept that my marriage is over and that my husband didn't love me anymore and that the reason I'm telling her now isn't to judge or blame her but to let her know the whole story because it's just fair that she knows that he has been following her life for over a year now.
"Because from what I understood from my husband, you are under the impression that you just matched with him on a dating app" I said.
She was silent the whole time I was talking, just listening to me until I mentioned the dating app and that's when she interrupted me "That's not how we met. He has been a patron at my gym for the past 6 months, maybe year" she said. I know her gym, it's the one across our workplace.
She works out there every morning before coming work. I didn't know he had joined it because I knew him to be a member at the gym near our home. He has been, without telling me, working out just across the street from me every morning without telling me.
She looked like how I felt, SHOCKED. I apologized and told her that he has kept dating her a secret from me and that he begged me not to talk to her telling me that he hasn't been this happy and so on. She didn't say much, just thanked me for telling her.
Today she asked if she could talk to me. She apologized for everything that happened to me and asked if I needed any help, I said no. She thanked me again. When I got home, my husband was there. He had called me att least 50 times but my phone was on silent.
He was crying, calling me bitter and vindictive and pathetic. He said I ruined his relationship and future. She is scared of him now and it is all my fault. He wants me to tell her that he is not dangerous nor is he a pervert.
He wants me to tell her that I was the one who wanted a divorce and that people fall out and in love and it is nobody's fault and neither is it creepy. He hasn't done anything wrong. He stayed faithful to me and would have stayed that way if I didn't kick him out.
He asked me if I ever felt unsafe with him to make rumors about him being a stalker and a creep. I should tell the truth. I asked him to leave and that I'm starting the divorce and from now on he could only contact me once I got a lawyer through them.
I have been crying since he left. We haven't seen each other for weeks and he had no feelings what so ever for me. he looked demented and full of sorrow like a broken little boy.
How could he change this fast? before we separated he held me and begged me to believe him and his love for me. was it all a lie? my whole entire relationship? good night and thank you for the support. This is a throwaway and I will be deleting it soon. I just thought I would update before doing that.