Woman shares saga of BF's 'financial extortion;' 'He wants a BOAT. I'm $40K in debt.' UPDATED 2X

When this woman is furious with her BF, she asks the internet:

"My boyfriend wants to buy a boat, and I’m 40k in debt?"

Been together almost 10 years. I own the house we live in. Due to unemployment, he stopped contributing to the bills over 5 years ago. For the past three years he’s been back to work, he paid off all his debt, and his only bills are his car insurance and our cell phone bill.

I’ve asked him a dozen times to start contributing and it always turns into a fight. He tells me if I need money I should just ask for it, but I don’t believe that’s a good substitute for giving me a specific amount I can rely on every month for the bills. (I also do 95% of the grocery/household shopping).

I’ve made bad decisions and buried myself in debt trying to live a lifestyle that I SHOULD be able to afford, if I wasn’t supporting him.

He wants to buy a boat. I’m about to take a $9k per year pay cut at work. He knows how much debt I have.

Decided I’m breaking up with him, selling the house to pay my bills, and walking away happy with probably $100k in my pocket (literally life changing money).

Am I over reacting by ending a ten year committed relationship without talking to him about it one more time and giving him a chance to make it right?

Edit: wow, this post blew up way beyond what I expected. Hate to say this, but if you don’t have anything different to say from the 1000+ other comments here, please don’t waste your time. There’s no way I’m going to be able to read all these.

And to the people saying absolutely awful things to me, guess we all know what kind of person you are. And to the person that for nudes, I’m flattered but no.

Second edit: I really appreciate the kind words and well meaning advice I’ve been getting. I’m gonna try really hard to read all of them, but there’s like 4000 right now.

To answer some of the more common questions: I already rent out a room to someone. I didn’t mention it because it didn’t seem relevant. I’ve raised his rent starting next month (he’s also had a really sweet deal for a few years).

I have a very good job, I work for USPS. Problem is, USPS is going broke and they’ve realized they can pay a part timer $20 an hour to do what they pay me almost $40. I don’t know how bad it’ll be yet but it’s looking like $9-11k per year cut.

I’m trying to get ahead of it before it hits. The benefits are great and I don’t have a degree so there’s no real way for me to get into a higher paying job. I am considering instacart/ door dash once it does hit. Just doesn’t seem fair that I have to work two jobs while he sat on his ass for 2 years.

And listen, I get it. Selling is a bad idea. A house is an investment. But I don’t really see any other way of getting out from under this debt. I don’t want the hassle of trying to rent the whole thing out to someone and pay for an apartment myself.

I don’t want to have to maintain it. It’s way too big for me. And I don’t even think I want to stay in this state. Sell now, pay off debt, put money away and earn interest on it, then in a year or so once I’ve got my head straight hopefully move somewhere warmer.

Third edit: one more thing. He already has a boat. A “cheap” boat, if there is such a thing. He wants a nice new boat so he doesn’t have to keep putting money into the once he’s got.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds on her budget for the house and paying off the debt she has. Wait until her boyfriend is out to sell the house

OOP: Yeah pretty much. I could afford it if I didn’t have $1000 a month in credit card payments, and if I wasn’t about to take a nearly $1000 a month pay cut. I also have no interest in living in a place this big or maintaining my yard by myself, and it would take YEARS for a roommate to reach the same financial benefit as just selling.

It would take about 5 years for rent to pay my debt, and that’s at the amount it’s at right now, not counting all the interest charges that would happen over those 5 years.

I can’t. I ran the numbers. I can’t afford my bills and the mortgage. Even taking on a roommate would still take 5+ years to pay it off and I don’t want to live with anyone for a long time.

OOP on making a safe retirement account to live comfortable after moving out and take care of what she owes

OOP: I have a retirement account and i can afford rent on my salary with no credit card bills. I’m planning to increase my retirement contribution to pretty much the maximum and slowly ship away at the 100k while it also sits in a savings account earning interest.

OOP on getting in therapy to deal with her issues and taking care of herself first before anyone else

OOP: I (was) in therapy, my therapist is moving to a new practice that doesn’t accept my insurance so I have to find a new one. I have gently encouraged him to seek therapy for a long time, but he won’t.

I’ve suggested couples therapy multiple times but he believes that’s a sign the relationship is already over, so basically I’m just giving him what he must expect at this point.

She’s out of state and her new practice only takes clients from a specific EAP that my company doesn’t participate in. I really wish staying with her was an option.

Working on it. Had some undiagnosed mental health issues which explain literally every dumb thing I’ve done. I’m actively working on myself.

OOP on if she has kids with her boyfriend and it would put more debt on her

OOP: He already has one (grown up) and I don’t want any thank god.

OOP explains the budget she and her boyfriend spends every week

OOP: I spend about twice as much on his groceries as I do for mine. (I eat one meal a day and about $12 a week on snacks) he eats lunch and dinner and probably $20+ a week snacks. He drinks $30 of Diet Coke every week.

I drink a $4 pack of bottled water with mio or crystal light packets, and the occasional energy drink.

I have a decent car because I got sick of used ones being unreliable. My car payment isn’t extravagant and it’s good on gas.

I do take 2-3 vacations per year, 2 long weekends and a 5-ish day one. I shop around for the best deals and pay cash for everything except the hotel and flight (points). I always suggest camping but he likes to be more comfortable.

Anyways lost track of what point I was making here. I fully admit I’ve made bad financial decisions, but those decisions wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if he was carrying his own weight. I guess I figured he’d step up eventually and he just… hasn’t.

OOP on her boyfriend's work situation for how long

OOP: No he was only unemployed for 2ish. But he hasn’t paid a consistent or helpful amount money for our household in over 5.

cream adds:

Hell no, you are most certainly NOT overreacting. This is a manchild, and he’s acting as if you’re his pseudo mother. Nah, get the hell out as fast as you can! A relationship is a partnership, a team… and it requires teamwork. If one person if pulling all the weight while the other has all the fun… well, that dog don’t hunt.

I wouldn’t say a single word to him, just sell the house and after it’s done and your movers show up in the drive way, “oh, I forgot to tell you… I sold the house and breaking up with you. You should be fine considering how much you make vs. how much you contribute. Anyway, have a good one!”

He probably still wouldn’t get that message, but this guy is not relationship material… at all. You deserve much better. I’d say it’s well past time you get to have nice things, and do things just for you. Getting yourself out of debt and Motts int to worry about all his BS will let you finally relax, too, which will have a majorly positive effect on your mental state.

Update 1:

My original post blew up way bigger than I ever expected. I was definitely overwhelmed by all of your responses, and I truly appreciate how many people care about a random internet stranger. I’ve considered posting an update many times since but wanted to wait until it all played out, but I’ve had people reaching out recently so I decided this was a good time.

I spent a decent amount of time setting things up for myself behind the scenes. I had a safety plan for myself and my cats in case he got angry. I spent a long time putting a plan together for what I would do after selling my house.

I broke up with him in early June. It was one of the most emotionally difficult things I’ve ever done. We talked for hours over multiple days about what went wrong, he didn’t get angry, just sad. I was really sad too, and I still am, but we’re both on the same page now and we agree that it’s the best thing for both of us. He moved out right away and has been slowly moving his stuff out.

Took me about two months to get my house ready for sale, but once it was listed I accepted a very good offer within a week. Closing is three weeks from now.

I decided to take this opportunity to completely change my life. I’m moving across the country, I already have a place and a job lined up and I’m really excited for my future. I’m making about as much as money as I expected, paying off all my debt, and investing a large amount of what’s left.

I’m moving to a lower cost of living area and my expenses will be considerably less than they have been. And the job I have lined up will pay about the same as I make now, so I’ll be in really good shape.

I’ve already signed a lease for a sweet apartment. Maybe I’ll look into buying again in the future, but for now I’m just looking forward to a fresh start and the opportunity to make my life exactly what I want it to be.

Relevant Comments

dlss_87: Did he ever say why he wanted to buy a $40,000 boat instead of helping you pay off your debt?

OOP: Sort of. He just wasn’t thinking, I guess. Somehow he always thought I was fine, even though he knew how much debt I was in, and even though I begged him so many times to start contributing consistently. In his mind I must’ve been fine because I never asked him for specific amounts to cover specific bills.

Puzzled_History7265: Awww I love this ending. I hope you're moving to a cool city and make lots of friends :) OOP: Very cool city where I already have a couple good friends, and I can’t wait to meet more.