Woman shares saga of her BF's mother; 'I asked her to teach me some recipes and she went insane.' UPDATED

"Me [25F] with my BF [27M]'s mom ... Asked her to teach some recipes and she went nuts."

Hey all ... I'm at a bit of a loss right now. My boyfriend (Dan) and I have been together for a little over 2 years. No relationship is perfect, but ours is basically as good as it can be. Little conflict, maximum happiness, everything is wonderful, yadda yadda yadda.

My family adores him, his dad seems to like me just fine, but for some reason his mom (Carol) has never been too fond of me. I don't push too hard, I'm really respectful whenever I'm around her, I bring her gifts for birthdays and holidays,

(she's never given me one - not that I care, it's just kind of strange since I've been around for a while) always try and help when I can, etc ... And yet, she's always been fairly cold to me. Not outright rude and terrible, just ... cold. I kind of wrote it off, figuring she's just a tough nut to crack.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I recently finished our master's degrees and were feeling bored with our jobs and figured, what the hell, let's move to a different country? When we told the families, everyone was ecstatic for us - except Dan's mom, which wasn't really surprising.

We both have jobs lined up, so it's not like we'll be bumming around or anything (not that there's ANYTHING wrong with traveling - I'm a huge advocate!) so the only reason she's not on board with it is because Dan won't be living 25 miles away from her anymore, even though it's a great opportunity for both of us and something he's been wanting to do for awhile.

We leave in a few weeks, so we've been trying to spend time with them as much as we can. Dan knows about how his mom treats me, and even though she's not rude to me, he's said that he's talked to her about whether or not she likes me, to which she'll reply, "She's fine, I'm perfectly nice to her."

So like I said, she's not terrible, she's just not great - to the point where I'd never ask Dan to bash her anything. It just makes me sad because I want to be close with his family because they mean a lot to me. So I've been making some efforts to hang out with her.

Anyway, we were over at his mom's house for dinner this weekend and I offered to help her in the kitchen, to which she reluctantly obliged. Now, she's a decent cook, but in no way is she an amazing chef or anything. Never mentions secret recipes or anything like that.

But I thought it would be a nice gesture to ask her to teach me some of her recipes. So while I was chopping onions I said, "Hey Carol, I was wondering if you would teach me some of your recipes?

Dan loves your cooking and I would love to cook for him when we're abroad to remind him of home since I know he'll miss your cooking." Then she stopped and walked out of the room.

It was super awkward, so I waited around a bit. When she finally came back in, she started yelling at me about how out of line I was. She was saying stuff like, "How dare you! You think you can replace me?" And all this crazy stuff. I was completely shocked and dumbfounded.

I immediately walked out and told Dan, who was heading into the kitchen to see what the commotion was about, that I would be leaving. He told me to wait in the car because he was really confused. I sat there for 3 minutes when he came out apologizing saying his mom was completely in the wrong, so we left.

So here I am, a few days later, confused as hell. I'm happy Dan stuck up for me, but this situation is so ridiculous I have no idea where to go from here! He's currently not speaking to his mom, but has received texts from his dad apologizing and chalking his mom's freak out due to the stress of Dan leaving soon.

I don't want to be the reason he severs his relationship or anything, but I also feel pretty disrespected over something so silly! Any advice on how to handle this?

tl;dr: Asked my boyfriend's mom to teach me some of her recipes before we move ... she freaked out on me. What do I do?

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

defiancy: She feels threatened that you are replacing her as the "woman" in Dan's life. That's why she reacted the way she did when you asked about the recipes. This is something she has to deal with on her own because she seems like a very over protective mother that hasn't grasped the concept that her son is an adult.

OOP: Thanks for your response. I totally get that she may feel "threatened" that I'm taking her son away, but I want the opposite! I think that's why I'm so hurt - the last thing I want to do is pull him away from his family, and in an effort to get closer to her, she pushed me away and accused me of something ridiculous.

cardinal29: JustNoMIL is full of these stories of loony moms who have unhealthy relationships with their sons. For the most part, they are really funny stories.

"How dare you! You think you can replace me?" This, however is disturbing. I mean, he is 27 years old already! At least Dan stood up for you right away.

OOP: It's crazy to me because Dan always mentioned she was overbearing, but not anything like this. Dan is super independent and just about as much of a mama's boy as any normal guy who loves his mother, so this whole possessive thing came out of nowhere. It even freaked Dan out a little bit. But ya, he's a great guy :] Thanks for your response.

vanitypridelust: It sounds like Dan's mom is having an episode of combination empty-nest syndrome and massive jealousy. She feels like you are taking her son away, that she's losing him, and that you are trying to replace her.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. Dan's response was appropriate, and should this sever some ties it's not your fault.

If you really want to you can try to reach out to Carol in a non-confrontational way. Shoot her a thoughtfully worded email, but I would avoid apologizing (as you haven't done anything wrong). Maybe something like:

Carol, I wanted to reach out to you to discuss what happened the other night. It was not my intention to upset you or make you feel like you're being replaced. We are both going to miss you and (Dan's Dad) very much when we are abroad, and I was hoping to find a way to feel closer to you.

I love Dan, and being able to have a relationship with you is important to me because I know how important you are to him.

fleeaaaght writes:

Most moms fear that their sons will leave the family and rarely return. They end up spending a lot more time with their wife's family.

Her son is moving out of the country. The mom has taken pride on making her son's favorite meals over the last 27 years. Another responder mentioned that recipes can be an extension of the mother. It doesn't matter that it is a not gourmet meal or that she is not a famous chef - these are special meals that she makes for him. It's her gift to him.

So you asking for the recipes devastates to her because she views it as her special gift to him. Especially because he is leaving the country and she will see him much less. If you make those recipes for him, she is no longer needed and does not have her gift for him. It's no longer special.

It doesn't sound as though you have developed a close enough relationship with her to give her confidence that you and he will be back frequently. Try harder to cultivate that relationship, even though you are leaving in a few weeks. Gifts are not as important as time and conversation.

I realize her behavior is counter productive. If she was warmer with you, you would feel more inclined to spend time with her.

lakethwr6 writes:

The way I would handle it: I would reach out to her to say that it is and never was your intention to "replace" her in her son's life and that on the contrary, you want the opposite.

I would say that Dan is important to you, and so is she because she's the woman who raised him. I would also say you don't have any hard feelings over this because you want her to be a part of your life too.

You're kind of lucky that you're leaving pretty soon, so the distance will help alleviate some of the immediate awkwardness, but I would say that from here on forward you should act just as you have.

Be kind to her as you always have, treat her like you've always treated her, and let her come around at her own pace.

Try not to take it too personally if she doesn't get all warm and stuff because clearly that's going to take a while, but there's no need to stay upset over it as long as she doesn't stir anything else like this up and your SO is on your side. Hopefully she will come around eventually.

kami7 writes:

Its natural for mother's who have always been there for their children to start to feel as if they are being replaced when their kids find good partners.

Often Having children means that women get tied with being their for their children and can't properly pursue their ambitions. Some women struggle with it up until the day their kids move out, other women tend to shift their priorities to raising their families and being there for everybody. This really does become their ambition and it is truly a huge sacrifice that our mothers make for us.

As the children get older they are even less reliant on their parents, these are the teenage outbursts and battles, Parents learning to looses the leash and trust their kids will be responsible and teenagers wanting to not have to be treated with rules like they are 12. lol

You and your bf are exactly at that age group when Son's start to rely on themselves or their partners for the very last things they were still reliant on their parents for, cooking, laundry and residence. Maybe your BF moved in with you instead of living with the parents a little longer, which is what his mom may have hoped. Now you guys are moving overseas.

I mean parents largely do adjust to their kids not needing them anymore but it does hurt them, because over the years they have become protective of the children and often them being their for you gives their life meaning.

In other words, our parents develop a need to be needed by their children. like anything it'll take time to accept they are not needed and it'll take time for her mom to process you kind of taking over her role.

You should just let bygones be bygones. Dont take it personally. Unless you want to consider this a sign of respect that his mom is threatened that you will take her place. Which kind of means you are being as good to him as she considers herself to be towards him.

If this is the guy you want to marry, then really just call her and tell her that you're sorry if you made her feel that way, it wasn't you intention that you care about him but could never replace her.

This isn't your fault and you really dont have to do that, but if you want to be proactive and ensure the next days go smoothly and that your BF doesn't feel guilty about not spending enough time with his mom.

Basically if you decide to make that call, you'll pretty much become the golden child. Your BF would love you even more, His parents would be impressed and things would smooth out real quick, his mom would warm up to you. Your time overseas would be much smoother and less fighting would be involved regarding the parents thing. Good Luck.

Update:

Hello again! It's me, the Monster in the Kitchen! (By the way, my username referred to me - I don't think she's a monster, I just felt like it was funny referring to myself as the monster - probably should've clarified that!)

Thank you so much for all your responses. I logged out and came back to an inbox swarming with support, advice, clarification, etc ... I really appreciate the time you all took to respond to my issue. Means a lot, internet strangers <3

Anyway, I'm happy to say that this is a positive update!

I definitely sympathized with her because I know it must be scary to have your only child (yes, Dan is an only child, as a lot of you guessed. How astute of you, Reddit!) "pulled" away by another woman, even though we have COMPLETELY different relationships. But regardless, it doesn't excuse what she did, so I let Dan initially reach out to her, to which I followed up later.

Dan gave her a call and was very nice, yet firm with her and how she treated me. Carol responded saying that she was really embarrassed and sorry and that she felt terrible and wanted to give each of us some time to cool off before reaching out.

I initially told Dan that I wanted to send her an e-mail based off of what a commenter drafted, so he told her that I would reach out when I was ready because I really wanted to frame the conversation rather than have her feel like complete crap for her outburst. So I sent her a text later in the evening and we met for breakfast this morning.

She was so apologetic and cried and I said that although it did hurt me, that I understand where she's coming from and am in no way trying to replace her. I respect her a lot because she raised my literal dream man, so even though we may not be best friends, she's done a lot of things right.

We hung out for a bit, ended things wonderfully with a re-do invitation to cook dinner together this weekend - her recipes - and hugged goodbye. All is right in the world.

Thanks again for offering insight and perspective. Y'all are the best. P.s. Dan is the best. Can't wait to lock that down. Any Redditors in Australia, see ya soon!

Readers continued to weigh in:

edhredhr: Good job being the grown up in this situation. I can't imagine I would be able to forgive her crazy so quickly.

OOP: Eh, pick your battles I suppose. I love Dan enough to swallow my pride a little, and she showed genuine emotion, so I figured it was for the best. Plus, we'll be gone soon enough ;] Just kidding (kind of). Regardless, I'm just glad everyone's at peace.

TheSourTruth: I was reading the initial post, and you both are moving to another country on a whim and already have jobs there? how?

OOP: I should've been a bit more clear - we graduated a few months ago and have been looking into it for awhile, so we started job searching back in July and have been working toward it.

It takes a while - sponsorship, finding a place to live, Visa apps (that's actually pretty easy, but syncing it up with your workplace) all that jazz. So it definitely wasn't that easy and that process wasn't too quick!