Woman shares saga of her 'doomed' relationship with 13 yo stepdaughter. 'She's my husband's golden child.' AITA? PART 2; UPDATED 2X
When this stepmom continues to post about her relationship to her stepkids, she asks the internet:
"AITA for giving my stepkids' disney tickets away?"
Take a look at Part 1 of her story.
Two months ago I told my oldest SD18 I needed to her request this weekend off because we were celebrating our Xmas and the boys birthdays. I even texted their mother and made arrangements for my youngest SD14 and she act like she was on board with it.
We have this ongoing issue with my step kids about them only coming over when we are doing something fun, every time we try to get them and just spend time with them at the house they make up every excuse in the book why they cannot come.
I purposely did not tell them or my kids what the plans were this weekend. SD18 couldn’t get off of work so I told her it’s cool we will do something for her later on, no big deal in understand how it is working retail during the holidays.
Today I texted their mother to confirm if SD14 were coming over tomorrow and she said SD14 had a long week and was really emotional and did not want to go to our house without her older sister...
(total BS, she doesn’t even like her sister like that and she’s been to our house plenty of times without her sister) just another excuse on why she cannot come.
Mind you, it’s my hubby court ordered weekend with her anyways. We don’t make her come over so we just get her whenever she wants to come over.
So I texted their mom back and said “no big deal, we will do something else with them another time” So SD18 texted me a little while ago asking what were doing and told her we are spending the weekend at Disney and another event. I told her so she wouldn’t be surprised when photos are posted this weekend.
Now all of she wants to call out of work and my other SD14 wants to come without her sister now lol I told them “I’m sorry I gave the boys friends those tickets because y’all didn’t want to come over” (I really did) so now they are angry and a part of me doesn’t feel bad for SD14.
SD18 is understandable because she actually has a good excuse but I do not want her calling out because she’s on the verge of getting fired already for her attendance.
Hubby wants to cave in and let her come but I don’t want too because I’m over her only wanting to see us when we’re spending money on her.
I want this too be a lesson to SD14 and he doesn’t see it that way. I gave my stepdaughter an opportunity to come to Disney and she didn’t want too sooooo….. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
usuallywrite writes:
You and your husband? YTA’s First, he should be insisting on his CO’d time.
Next, if you want people to take time off work and make time a priority, tell them what the plan is. You’re playing a stupid pick me game. If someone said “be sure to take time off for c days” I would be asking what for. I’m not going to call out to do something I don’t want to do.
You seem really manipulative. It’s like you’re trying to just prove a point both with your steps and your bios! It’s nuts! And totally AH.
muchpumpkin writes:
YTA. You’re setting up tests for how much your SD’s love you like you’re King Lear. The only question you need to answer is do you want to spend time with them? It doesn’t sound like you do since you’re purposefully withholding information that you know would impact their decision on whether or not to visit. Are they acting selfishly?
Yes, they’re teenagers, that’s what they do. Bring them on the trip, the memories you make with them as a family are more valuable then pulling off your elaborate trick. Otherwise, just admit that you’d rather they didn’t come because you resent their choice to base decisions around activities.
marriedlife6 writes:
I had to think of this a bit but I am going to say big YTA. SD18 had a good excuse and you didn't give her a lot of time to make plans. If it was going to be a regular night it might have been tough to ask off work but this was a special trip. You are punishing her for working and being committed to her job.
SD14 is where I wasn't a 100% sure at first but the more I think of it the more I go with YTA. She is 14 and is going through a crazy time in her life.
You also seem happy with how this played out and it is most likely damaging the relationship they have with your husband. Yes I get that you want people to come and visit you and your husband because they want to but based on how you have posted it seems there might be good reason they avoid your house.
extrasomatic writes:
YTA. It’s December. Asking for an entire weekend off in December depending on the job is not realistic especially since she works in retail. You purposely didn’t tell her what you were planning but got mad when she couldn’t get time off with a job in retail during the holiday shopping rush.
She then offered to call in sick to go but you had already given the tickets away. The younger sister who you admitted had a bad week may not like the older one but may have felt more comfortable if she went. Now she is being punished after having the bad week because you didn’t disclose your plans.
Stop trying to mindf your kids and your step kids. It must be exhausting to deal with you trying to play games.
cleaningmama0 writes:
Yes! Surprises are fun for the people putting on the surprise, but for the recipient, it could go either way.
It can be burdensome to basically generate pleasure for the sake of others, after either feeling either frightened or disappointed previously, no matter how they really feel.
That's not to say that there aren't some well-crafted, wonderful surprises out there, but to pull it off well requires a high level of consideration for the recipient. Crafting anticipation usually goes into it, so that they can feel that something good is about to happen.
The typical TV trope of "they forgot my birthday ALL day until SURPRISE!" is the very definition of manipulative. First everyone allows them to go through the entire day with hurt feelings, and then they are supposed to suddenly feel happy...
(or "perform" happy) when everyone is gathered for the surprise. I wish they would quit presenting that as a something "nice" to do, because it's just NOT. If there's someone out there who enjoyed that experience, I'm very happy for you.
preschool6 writes:
I'm going to go against the trend here and say, YTA. Here's why. The girls are teenagers. Even teenagers from intact families are incredibly busy and don't necessarily enjoy just hanging out and visiting with their parents and younger siblings.
They could have a plethora of perfectly acceptable reasons for not wanting to come over at any given time - a big school project coming up, an important test, or a work session for a group project. They could also just be burned out from the week and not feel like interacting with step and half siblings.
Going back and forth to different homes is really hard on kids. No matter how hard people try to co-parent together, the other house does things differently, have different rules and a different schedule. It's really hard on kids.
Then you add the mix of a stepparent and step and half siblings, and it can just be a huge stressor for kids and the teen age years are hard enough.
If you had told them that they were going to do something really fun, like Disney, they would have really planned it out to make it work. Instead, you set them up to basically say HA HA no Disney for you.
Parents of teens - especially those of you who do not have them full time- need to do whatever it takes to find ways to connect with them and create good memories. I think you did some major damage with this stunt.
yehaww writes:
Downvote me to hell but NTA. 14 and 18 are young, but old enough to be held accountable when being called out for taking advantage of a situation. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Yes to the comments - there is a difference between a movie night with family versus a family vacation to Disney. But the point I believe OP is trying to make to us is that she asked in good faith, for all her kids to take time off of work to participate in a surprise for one of her kids.
They chose not to. It’s their loss. People commenting that it was unfair that they didn’t know it was a trip to Disney are missing OP’s point entirely - her steps only participate when it’s fun, expensive, and something they can arguably show off on socials.
Unfortunately, not every family moment can be fun, expensive, and brag worthy. If her steps were invested in celebrating their new sibling they would have made the time to come. It’s not fair to OP or her bio children that there has to be a monetary transaction for them to be worth their time.
ramesides writes:
NTA. It isn’t like OP just said “request time and come over for no reason.” They were told it was a special family event and just didn’t want to make the effort until they found out they were going to Disney.
And yes, I completely understand that it’s entirely possible the oldest couldn’t request the time off, but I am also getting the feeling she never requested it off in the first place and just lied and said she couldn’t get it.
The younger one just obviously didn’t want to go and didn’t really bother to hide it.
Also, there are a lot of people saying that the bio father should have “insisted” on or forced the kids to come over during his Court Ordered time regardless of what they wanted, but I get the feeling a lot of those same people would be crying “Y-T-A!” if he actually did that, especially considering this sub usually frowns on that behaviour.
artmeis7 writes:
YTA. This reads like a manipulative game you’re playing with your stepdaughters. I think you need to fall back and let their father coordinate. Because if you keep playing games with them, they’ll lose trust in you and more importantly their father. Your games could ruin their relationship.
Period. Point. Blank. Like there is a reason why they only want to come when there is something fun to do…is it because you make it unbearable when there is no distraction present?
crosscrsos5 writes:
YTA. I am an 18yo with a job and if you randomly ask me to take off 3 DAYS OF WORK??? just for a birthday that I’m not entirely interested in since most likely it’ll be all young kids and i’ll have nothing to do and holidays with a parent who clearly isn’t telling us the whole story?
Just tell them where you’re going and stop expecting your step kids to drop everything for random plans. They are their own people with their own lives. Not everything revolves around you and this stupid game you’re playing. good luck having a relationship with them in the future cause I’d be pretty f-ing pissed at you ngl.
Edit: also IT ISN’T EVEN CHRISTMAS YET. stores are literally swamped with people right now and now is when you plan a trip? how about you COMMUNICATE with your kids AND step kids and ask when a good time for ALL of you to be able to have fun together would be.
kacyalter writes:
I think this is one of those ~technically N T A~ situations, but it’s still a bad move. As a child of divorce I can say from experience that it’s just not fun to go to the parent’s house you don’t live at.
I don’t know about your specific house situation obviously, but for me, going to my dad’s meant I couldn’t see my friends that day, none of my games were on the computer, my craft supplies weren’t there, my books weren’t there, my cats weren’t there, etc. so I just didn’t want to go.
Nothing malicious, it was just boring and uncomfortable. I’m not trying to say that it shouldn’t hurt your feelings, but I see why your step kids don’t want to leave the comforts of their own home.
I say YTA for asking the 18yo to ask off work without specifying why, and acting like the 14yo is somehow doing something wrong for not wanting to go sit at some one else’s house with nothing to do. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hurt and frustrated, but I don’t think you’re really viewing this from their perspective at all.
And now, OP's first update:
Before anyone says I’m being unfair to my SK, I treat my BIO kids the same way. My oldest had his fair share of missing out on events. He knows better now lol when I say get in the car and let’s go, don’t question it just get in.
It’s not a game I’m playing. Over the years I just got tired of feeling used. The only time they want to come over is when we’re doing something or they want something. That’s why I stopped telling them what we were doing.
My husband is cheap and doesn’t care for fun things. I plan and pay for just about everything we do that’s “fun” we all have a good relationship and they are growing older and they rather be with friends so we are trying to give them the space to do that but before SD18 got a job...
we would try to plan things with them, my kids included, and it just became a “can we go here instead” and complaining about everything so that’s why now if I want to do something I don’t tell them plans, I just ask them if they are coming and if they don’t then they stay home.
All of the kids are in different age groups so I try to plan things for each child and invite the others but that’s been extremely difficult because of the complaining.
Update 2:
Update: a lot of people think I “have it out for SD14” I don’t.
We had issues blending and most of our issues was rooted from BIO mom feeding the kids lies. Hubby went to spend time with SD14 during the “kicked out” period and he had a talk with her about her behavior (FINALLY)...
after he realized that I was fed up with it and was willing to break apart the whole family if he could not put his foot down with her and BIO moms BS.
He also submitted screenshots to his lawyer from SD14 phone while she was texting her mom and mom encouraging her to be rude towards me. The lawyer contacted hers and they had it out.
BIO mom agreed to stop speaking negatively about me to the children otherwise we were going to file contempt and since then her attitude has been 1000000% better.
I also think her mother is getting over her bitter feelings towards me because I was able to coordinate this trip with her without it being a bloodbath (the reason I asked her instead of hubby was because he would wait until the last min to ask and I needed to buy tickets, etc)...
Also, I think she realized she and my hubby created a monster because for a period of time she wanted her to come to live with us because she couldn’t handle her attitude and they were fighting a lot.
But all and all, we are in a better place now. When she does come around the way she treats her older sister isn’t that bad anymore. We both apologized to each other but I also stood firm on the consequences of her being disrespectful towards anyone in the home.
Now that my hubby is actually backing me up and she realized that we are the same page it hasn’t been an issue. She does have some other behaviors that bother me but I’m learning to pick and choose my battles.
She doesn’t like coming over because there isn’t much to do. We live in the country and she’s a city girl.