Woman shares the saga of her MIL ruining her wedding; 'It all started when she tried on my dress.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this woman is furious with her MIL while she preps for her wedding, she asks the internet:
"I am so done with my MIL after what she did to my wedding dress. AITA?"
I've been engaged to my fiance for a year. We're planning to be married in December in Colombia and of course, I'm beyond pumped. It's going to be a destination wedding for us, and I was very happy that I was able to talk him into having one.
My soon to be MIL is extremely upset about this. I always knew that she wasn't really my biggest fan. She's polite and very "fake" friendly...but she'll do things like sit on my fiance's lap, or tuck his hair behind his ear, and cut his food for him.
On on occasion I actually saw her actually feed him....in public. However, to my fiance's credit, once I told him that I thought that was beyond weird, it never happened again.
Future MIL is very upset about our destination wedding. She thinks we'll all be murdered (eyeroll), bitches constantly about the cost of her airfare, the size of the wedding, the guests that won't be able to come...
the thought of my fiancee getting malaria, the fact that she hates no one in Colombia speaks English...you get the picture. I try to limit her exposure to my wedding planning, though when I do this, she complains to my fiance behind my back on how she's being excluded.
She came over yesterday, theoretically to see our new house, but instead offered the following criticisms: She hates my engagement ring. It's far too extravagant and there are CHILDREN STARVING IN AFRICA AND PEOPLE DIE FOR THESE ROCKS (it's a moissanite).
Our house is an extravagant display of wealth and just "isn't us". It's a townhouse that we got a steal on.
I’m getting fat. Need to watch the calories so I can "fit into my dress". Future, meanwhile, is bragging about her diet and how chic and slenderizing her mother of the bride dress is.
This delightful conversation was interrupted by my fiancee asking me to help him put a bed in the spare guest room together, so I left Future MIL to her own devices and Netflix while I helped.
About 40 minutes into assembly, I went to go take a bathroom break and headed into the master bedroom...and what do I find but Future MIL struggling to yank my dress over her head BUT WAS FREAKING STUCK. I blurted out "what the hell?!" and she immediately started stammering "Oh my God! OH MY GOD! OH GOD!"
At that point my number one concern was her tearing the sheer backing of my dress so I rushed over to help her. It was all for not as she managed to scratch her way through the back of the dress and completely destroy the sheer material. She burst the side zipper of the dress and got a dirty foot print on the train.
I asked her, as soon as I got her out of the dress (and I want to note, with HUGE amounts of disgust, that she was wearing no underwear), what the HELL she was thinking.
She responded that she was just trying to make sure the dress would fit me; because if the dress fit her, then it absolutely fit me too. If it didn't fit her, then I obviously had some work to do. Nevermind that I just had my final fitting and it had fit like a glove.
My future fiance is very disturbed by what happened. I'm also disturbed-- mostly because I doubt she was trying to just try on the dress for funsies; there was also a bouquet of dried flowers on the bed that wasn't there before.
I think the b&ch was actually trying to pretend she was the bride...which for so many reasons, is so wrong.
She hasn't offered to pay for any of the repairs to the dress. A section of the train is ripped. I have no idea how much it's going to cost until I can get to the seamstress tomorrow.
In the meantime, in lieu of an apology, she's lecturing me on spending so much money on a wedding dress and clearly the trouble she had getting into the dress was a sign to get something less dramatic and ostentatious.
It's taking everything in me to tell her to not pound sand. I'll wear my f-g Galia Lahav dress to my goddamn grave and she'd better not say anything about it.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top comments/responses from OP:
OP writes:
I haven't gone scorched earth mostly for my fiance's sake. Her claws are in him DEEP. I think to an extent he realizes how ridiculous she is and how creepy her behavior is, but it's just so....normal to him.
Like when I called him out about how creepy and weird her feeding him in public is, he was really defensive at first...but then agreed that he could see it as being creepy.
I've told him that she's going to pay. He responded that he'd cover the bill himself if it was crazy. I feel like that misses the point, but it's almost like he's in denial about how insane the situation is.
bliengg6 writes:
Totally understandable. I can't even fathom that that scene ending with anything other than both partners screaming at MIL to get out of their house and start writing checks for the damage she caused.
MIL wouldn't have had even a chance to try and turn it around. Did they just let her throw her clothes on and act like nothing happened???
OP adds:
I had a full blown panic attack. I was screaming at FMIL (apparently I was shaking the dress at her), and my fiance intervened and grabbed me out of the room. He claims that he told her to get dressed and leave.
I don't remember this, but I was also in the middle of trying to breathe and not throw up. By the time I had "calmed" down and was on the couch, she had vanished.
I want to say that I've had limited exposure to FMIL up until now. She was living in the West Coast up until two months ago.
She moved back in the area because she could no longer bear being apart from her baby. I don't think it's without coincidence that she chose to move back after fiance shut down her "suggestions" about the wedding.
My fiance and I are headed to the seamstress today TOGETHER to evaluate the damage. I'm not very hopeful.
freakydarling writes:
NTA. OMG. Ask your fiancé if he’d wear a suit that he had WITNESSED another man free balling in. Then ask him if he’d forgive someone s&g on something he’d been dreaming of having since he was a little boy.
Now ask him how he’s going to feel on your wedding night knowing his mother’s body had been in your dress. Most women dream of their wedding and wedding dress from when they’re little girls. And she literally stomped all over it, among other things.
I understand she’s his mother and he feels a sense of obligation to her, especially since his father is no longer living, but there’s a limit! And she doesn’t want to be just his mother!
If it was me, I’d tell him you will accept payment for repairs and dry cleaning in the form of a personal check in her name or the wedding would be off. And make sure he knows how lucky he is that you’re not pressing charges, since I’m sure that it qualifies for criminal damage charges.
cronlogic writes:
You know what? This would be my story to dine out on for the next 20 years. I would tell EVERYONE about the day you caught your naked MIL trying to squeeze into your wedding dress and how she destroyed it.
I would tell it at your rehearsal, at the reception, at each family dinner, on every holiday. I would tell it to every family member, near and extended, to your doctor, your dentist, your dry cleaner, your future children’s friends’ parents, to strangers in line at the grocery store.
And I would tell your FH/MIL, that’s the price of her coming to your wedding & reception. Either you get to tell this terribly amusing anecdote about your future MIL (“That’s just how she is, tee hee, you can’t change her!”) or she doesn’t come.
landlockmermaid writes:
This may have been pointed out but he said he would pay for it if it "got too crazy" or something along those lines. Is he really expecting YOU to pay for it if it doesn't meet his standard of really expensive?
Regardless of your money vs our money, that is deeply disturbing and deeply telling of how he is holding his mother above you. It doesnt matter if the repairs are a dollar.
She ran streaking (literally) over that line and ruined your dress. She disrespected you horribly and him saying he'll (really meaning y'all) will pay for it if it gets "too crazy" is him not validating your feelings or validating the violation you felt.
There are some big red flags here, OP, and I hope you guys are able to work it out and get that woman to pay and APOLOGIZE for her DISGUSTING behavior. Because really, in the end, it isn't totally about the money...
its about the complete and utter lack of respect your FMiL has shown and your FDH approval of her treating you like that.
jaded6 writes:
She needs to pay for all repairs to the dress and if she refuses she is dis-invited to the wedding this is wrong on so many levels and she needs to make it right and your fiance needs to 100% not just back you but also take the lead in dealing with his mom and if he...
doesn't or tries to rug sweep this bullshit you need to really consider your future with him and what it would really take for your mil to pull before he put you first and stood up for you. This isn't meant to be an alarmist post but this is very much the first test for your new marriage and how your FH handles it will set the tone for the rest of your marriage.
And now, OP's first official update:
I'm located in Virginia. I purchased a wedding gown that cost me over $11k, then paid substantially more in alterations. Over the weekend, my future mother in law decided to attempt to put on my dress and failed horribly.
Long story short, it's beyond repair and completely ruined. I also have reason to believe that she caused deliberate damage to the dress because of certain areas that were torn.
My fiance doesn't believe that we're able to take her to court and recoop the money because "it's just a dress" and he thinks the cost of the dress doesn't meet some financial threshold to sue her.
I want to know if that's true and if it would be feasible to file a police report on her because of the more deliberate damage. I know it's just "a dress" but this goes beyond the dress.
Update 2:
Hey everyone...first of all, thank you for all of your sweet comments and support. I'm sorry that I haven't kept everyone in the loop, but the last several weeks have truly been...trying, to say the least.
First things first, the wedding is off. We are still together and remain engaged, but things are very, very, strained between us.
The only thing that has really stopped me from leaving this relationship is that I love him from the bottom of my heart, and I can see how much this is hurting him. I really want to work past this if we can. We're both committing to seeing a couple's therapist.
After FMIL ruined my dress, my fiance confronted her by telephone and demanded that she help cover the damages to the dress. She refused because she said it was an "accident" and she really was "just trying to help".
She literally tried to spin this as her F-G HELPING ME by, and I quote, "giving me a standard to aspire to" and she also fucking admitted that she just wanted to feel as "young and beautiful" as me. The worst part is that he believed her BS.
At this point, after she refused to pay, I started pitching a fit until fiance said that we shouldn't jump to conclusions on the damages until we visited the seamstress. Fine by me. We went together and the assessment was that it is completely trashed.
It is beyond repair. The beading in some parts is absolutely destroyed. The sheer back of the dress was torn to shreds (from her disgusting fake nails). She also ripped the tulle on my train, and the seams were split so badly and she'd torn through other parts of the dress to the point where they were beyond repair.
Hearing how badly my dress was mutilated crushed me, but my fiance's reaction at the seamstress's enraged me.
He kept minimizing the damage, pointing out how certain things "absolutely could have" been an accident, and he lied out of his ass to the seamstress to tell her that the dress had "an accident" when his mother attempted to "relive her model days".
I corrected course and said no, that she tried to put it on without my permission knowing damn well that she didn't fit into it, and deliberately destroyed parts of it in the process.
The real fun started when we got home and I told him that if she didn't pay, then I wanted to sue her for damages to the dress. He told me some bullshit about how the cost of the dress didn't meet the thresholds for a lawsuit.
Okay. I went straight to the internet, and googled the thresholds for small claims court in Virginia before printing all of the responses I got and forcing him to read them. He conceded that she owed us something and called her, with me sitting there.
As I sat there, I s%T you not, he argued with her for all of five minutes before she broke down sobbing, accused him of not loving her, called me trash for turning him against her, and how could money be more important than her love for him.
HE ACTUALLY SOOTHED HER and told her that "he understood" but I'm being super emotional over the dress and this would help it blow over.
She started babbling and sobbing and he said that he'd "talk to me". After they hung up, he had the nerve to turn to me and say that all he wanted was peace and to please just let him pay for the dress and let this go away.
I lost it. I screamed at him. I cried harder than I probably ever have cried because I honestly feel that he took her side over mine.
I told him that it wasn't about the dress and that if he genuinely believed that this was over an "overpriced" dress at this point, then we needed to cancel the wedding and he and his mommy could have a nice vacation to Colombia without me.
We argued, and, like he's been doing, told me that he saw my point. I told him that I didn't want her at the wedding. Shockingly...he agreed.
I sat next to him the next day when he called her and told her that because of what happened, we couldn't have her at the wedding.
I actually felt proud when he hung up on her after she screamed and and sobbed about how "He can't do this". I began to consider that maybe I was wrong about how he refused to stand up to his mother.
That is, until I was on our shared iPad. I rarely use the iPad because I'm way happier with my Kindle but I'll reach for the iPad in the rare event that my Kindle is out of juice and my phone is out of reach.
While I was using it, what pops up but messages from FMIL...asking about the best way to purchase discounted flights to Colombia. I scrolled through the messages, and he had folded the very next day, saying that he had disinvited her for my sake but he still wanted her at the wedding.
That he'd slowly work on changing my mind, and hopefully on the weekend of the wedding I'd be feeling forgiving and welcome her and if not, I could deal with it.
I lost my mind. I actually packed my bags. He was the one that ended up leaving to stay with his friend while I stayed in the house. The fight wasn't pretty.
And that's about where we're at right now. We have both committed to couple's counseling. It's a must. I feel played right now. And that's what he was trying to do; play both sides.
We both agreed that the best thing to do for us is to postpone the wedding until trust is reestablished, deposits be damned. And if anyone asks? I tell them the entire story. FMIL has decided to come between us in the worst way.
FMIL, for the most part, is fuming and trying to spin this into me being a trashy, greedy harpy that's determined to bring her and her precious baby nothing but misery.
She's tried to come to our house several times to "collect her baby and his belongings", but I haven't answered the door. Fiance, to his credit, has blocked her on his phone and hasn't told her where he's living right now.
He's gone no contact and has agreed to no contact until we begin therapy. He's turned over all of his passwords and the iPad so I can check his messages when I want to (and trust me, I'm checking).
I love him. I want to be able to go the distance with him, but while FMIL is in the picture I just don't think I can. For goodness sake, I'm looking through his email accounts and messages for contact from his mother. I can't even begin to explain just how messed up that is.
Sorry for the long post...please wish us luck in therapy. I'm having a hard time keeping my hopes up. This has been the worst month.
OP's 3rd update:
This has been the cherry to top off a not so fabulous week. To everyone that SO bashed my husband, PM'd me to tell me how weak/pathetic I am/tell me I'm stupid...
Trust me. You think I don't get how this looks to other people? He isn't getting away with anything. I know seeking help and counseling looks stupid to other people, but it's my relationship. Please respect that.
Also, to the vicious people that are reading my posts and then immediately posting them to Facebook/other websites so they can post nasty things/try to figure out my identity, there's special place in hell for you.
If this keeps up, I can't post here anymore. I have too many people that are reaching out to me, trying to guess my identity/FMIL's identity and it's becoming extremely stressful. The only reason I'm posting here is to ask other ladies here for advice on dealing with a FMIL that's getting increasingly aggressive.
There's several new things to report. One being that my fiance has kept his end of the bargain; he's had no contact with FMIL. How do I know? I'm religiously checking his accounts...and she's also losing her mind. This week, I've woken up to the following:
My Ring app has gone off four times, all at odd hours of the night. It's her. I have footage of her shoving notes under my door.
Nasty notes shoved under the door demanding to talk to my fiance/accusing me of driving a wedge between them.
Text messages asking me why I'm forbidding contact between fiance and his mother and how unnatural it is to stop a son from seeing his mother. I'm going to burn in hell and am a disgrace to womanhood.
She's come to my work. When I refused to see her, security escorted her out. When I pulled out of the parking garage, I saw her waiting by the employee entrance.
Fiance and I typically go shopping on Wednesday nights. She knows this because she's gone with us a couple of times. Guess who was waiting for us in the parking lot at 7PM? We didn't get out of the car after we saw her pacing around the entrance.
I'm documenting everything just in case she continues to get crazier. Fiance and I will be going to the local PD tomorrow to file a report and look into getting a temporary restraining order.
Thank you to everyone that's offered me kind words, support, and even offers of baked goods. You guys are wonderful-- I really appreciate you.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
fafall writes:
If you need couple's therapy BEFORE you even get married, there is zero chance of a successful marriage (I'm not talking about mandatory pre-marital church counseling). Marriage is long and sometimes very hard and there will always be challenges.
This should be the best, most exciting part, it only goes downhill after the "honeymoon phase." I realize that sounds negative, it's not intended to; it's realistic, coming from a middle aged, happily married woman w no familial, health or financial concerns.
I'm blessed with a privileged life where, frankly, my husband does most of the big stuff. And even for me, it's still hard! Any little annoyance that you thought was cute or quirky or NBD prior to marriage becomes an obstacle.
In this case, it's not an annoying drunk friend who's a bad influence that you need to deal with once a year during holidays.
This is his mother and she's not going anywhere. No amount of therapy will change that bc SHE'S the one who needs it. This is like you taking poison & expecting the other person to die.
Sorry to be so blunt but you'll have a lifetime of unnecessary stress, fights and misery if you marry into this family, bc she will then be YOUR family. Good luck keeping her at bay when/if grandkids arrive. Not worth it, find a man who's family is wonderful and loves you. Good luck!