Woman shares saga of mentally unstable husband; 'Did I really HUMILIATE him like he claims I did?" AITA? UPDATED 3X

When this woman feels guilty for possibly humiliating her husband, she asks the internet:

"AITA for 'humiliating' my husband?"

I was (28F) woken up this morning because the sheets I was lying on were wet. I assumed our child (6F) had had an accident, but when I checked where the wetness came from it, to my surprise, turned out it wasn’t her but my husband that had wet the bed.

After I had taken a shower I woke him up and told him he’d wet the bed. At first he denied it, then I guess he realised he indeed had as he got this mortified look on his face, jumped right out of bed and started to try rip the bedding off.

As we have pull-on sheets and our child was sleeping on the other side he didn’t get them off. It looked stupid and honestly quite funny so I chuckled. He angrily told me it wasn’t funny so I stopped. At that point the only thing his pulling of the sheets had accomplished was to wake up our child, who was confused and asked what was going on.

He didn’t say sh@, just idiotically continued to try get the sheets off. So when he didn’t reply I just told her he’d wet the bed. At that he just froze and looked at me with this weird look on his face, almost like he was about to cry or something.

Our child asked why he’d wet the bed, and as he still was completely silent I went something along the line of that sometimes accidents happens.

He just stood there staring at me. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looked at me with pure h@te. Then he just dropped the things he’d managed to get off the bed on the floor, left the room and locked himself in the bathroom for about 45 minutes.

When he came out he got dressed in a hurry and just left with saying “you can take her to school”. He didn’t even look at me. His behaviour really annoyed me but I just let him be as I didn’t want to argue with him when he was in such a bad mood.

When I got home from work he was still sulking, and basically ignored me. I was still annoyed with him from the morning so his behaviour annoyed me even more. So I told him to get over it, that it wasn’t the end of the world that he wet the bed, and to stop taking it out on me.

At that he accused me of having humiliated him when I told our child. I found that utterly ridiculous on so many levels, so I angrily told him that he humiliated himself when he wet the bed - not me. He didn’t take that too well, and said “f you” and went off to his computer, and now he refuses to talk to me.

And I just feel confused. I think he’s the one that behaved poorly and immature and that I haven’t done anything wrong - the last thing I said may have been harsh but I feel like he had it coming. Yet I feel like perhaps I was mean to him?

I just want to clarify that I did NOT tell our child to be mean or to humiliate my husband. I told her because I didn’t know what else to say, and as it was quite obvious what had happened I thought it was just best to be honest. I didn’t tell her in any humiliating way, just as a matter of fact without doing a big thing about it. I didn’t think my husband would feel that bad about it. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

FlounderSolid2659: YTA

Probably wasn’t the best option to tell your child he wet the bed. You could have said you spilled some water or just distracted her with something else. But it’s really not that big of a deal.

That said, you could clearly tell that it embarrassed your husband. Knowing that he was not feeling the best, you should have given him a little grace for being a little short in what he was saying and the fact that he was not acting super bubbly.

Him being embarrassed and not wanting to talk is not an attack on you. It’s not about you. Anger and embarrassment are both completely valid emotions, so unless he is being rude to you, you have to be okay letting people process things and not taking it personally.

But then you told him to get over it and said “you humiliated yourself by wetting the bed”!!! Total douchebag move. For real. This could have been handled so much better.

fagaoi writes:

ESH. Everyone calling you a terrible human and saying you need to be divorced is stupid. You tried to make it lighthearted, he didn’t like it. You tried to be honest, he didn’t like it. He left you with the mess, so I guess it wasn’t humiliating to have you clean his pee sheets? Idk.

You told him it wasn’t a big deal—and then finally gave him the reaction he was looking for. Maybe you took it too far but so did he. Getting so mad you honestly thought he was going to hit you? Woah.

But I can understand how you saying that on top of laughing at him earlier hurt him. I personally don’t understand why it’s embarrassing to tell your child the truth? But I guess some ppl would rather lie about it.

dga098 writes:

NTA for telling your child. Accidents happen and I think it's actually healthy for kids to know that adults have accidents too. Doesn't seem like you went out of your way to humiliate him, but he was humiliated.

You are AN asshole for not seeing his perspective on why he felt humiliated. You may not agree, but it also wouldn't be hard to show a little compassion or say I'm sorry, I didn't realize you would feel so humiliated by my telling our child what happened.

crimsh writes:

YTA. WTF is wrong with you? You laughed at him and you told his child. None of that was necessary. And then you're annoyed and angry with him because of it. And now he'll have to hear "Dad, remember when you peed the bed" a million times from now until death. Yay.

He didn't humiliate himself by wetting the bed and you know that. It was an accident. But when something like that happens to your spouse, you don't laugh at them, you don't make a big deal out of it, and you don't tell anyone else.

especially their child. Would it have literally killed you to tell the kiddo "Hop up, we spilled something on the bed"? You should have swiftly and discreetly assisted him and if it never happens again, you never discuss it again. If it does happen again, you suggest a medical consult.

I'm sure you enjoyed your shower while your husband laid in his own pee for the extra half hour. Gross.

festhar12 writes:

Nta. Everyone in this comment section is trying to coddle your husband and act like they would have done better. Most ppl ik wouldn’t have handled it as calmly as you did especially waking up wet/covered by someone else’s p@s, when they fumble around like an idiot and wake their child trying to clean it up.

He didn’t handle it any better than you did, but you were honest to your child and I think that will go a long way. So what if he was “humiliated” your kid proably knows what piss smells like and was most likely wet too.

She will put together her father trying to gather the sheets and know he pissed the bed. If he didn’t want the truth he should’ve spoken up, or maybe not have woken her up.

For everyone that’s gonna say “he had just woken up and was under stress” so was op. If it’s not an excuse for her it isn’t an excuse for him either. Bro left her to clean up his own piss and ignored her for telling the kid the truth. Be fr. I hope you leave him. This could be a sign for future fights between you guys tbh

OOP: He was being rude to me. He was rude when he looked at me like he was going to hit me. He was rude when he told me (not asked) to take our child to school even though he was supposed to. He was rude when he left me to clean up after him. But I let that be as he was upset.

He could have told me that he was angry/disappointed/felt humiliated by me when I got home, but he didn’t. Instead he chose to say nothing, and ignored me, which is rude behaviour and it pissed me off.

But yes, the last thing I said was mean, and I do regret saying that as that is not even what I think.

Update 1:

There are some things I would like to elaborate on before I come to the update. I did feel empathy and I did care about my husband. I was gentle when I told him after I’d woken him up.

However, his reaction caught me off guard, and the time from when he got up from bed until he’d locked himself in the bathroom couldn’t have been more than a minute.

After that I felt it was best to leave him alone. I know I was an AH for telling our child, but I didn’t do it to be mean or humiliate him, it was a stupid wrongful decision. I regret it.

Further, it’s not easy to show someone that you care when you’re being ignored. I did text him after he left and asked if he was ok, but he left it on read. I asked him again when I got home but he didn’t answer.

I asked him if we could talk about it – no answer. I asked him if he could at least tell me why he was so mad at me – no answer. I gave up and went to make dinner. After dinner I asked him if he could stop ignoring me – no answer. I asked him if he wanted me to leave to which he replies, “you can stay, I don’t care”.

So I ask him again if he will stop ignoring me if I stay, and when he says no is when I had it. And while I don’t think ignoring someone like that is OK, I know I handled it really bad. And I do feel awful for being outright mean to him.

Anyway, I texted him early this morning to say that I was so sorry and asked if he was willing to talk after work so that I could apologise. He texted me back an ok around noon. We met up at home, and he understandably was cold to me when we met, didn’t say much.

I apologised for everything, for laughing, for telling our child, for telling him to get over it, and for the part that I’m most ashamed of that I told him he humiliated himself. He was just silent the whole time and when I was done, he just asked why I told our child.

I explained and after that we just sat in silence in what felt like forever. Then right out of nowhere he went something like “I scared you, right?”, and I told him that briefly he did.

He said he could feel that. I asked what made him react so strong, but he didn’t know, just said that he panicked when he realised he’d wet the bed, that it got even worse when I told our child, and that he just got so angry with me for it. I apologised again for making him feel that way. He apologised for making me scared.

I’m not going to go through all that we said after that, it was a long talk, but in conclusion none of us is happy with how we acted and we have both apologised for it. He wasn’t that bugged about me laughing, but we both agreed that I shouldn’t have told our child.

However he’s no longer mad about it and doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. We both think he shouldn’t have ignored me like that, and that I handled it poorly and was mean. We have both accepted each other’s apologies, but I still feel bad for being so mean to him. But all in all, we are on good terms now.

Comments in response to the first update:

Osgiliath: Wow I just read your original post. You really are an asshole and seemed oblivious to it. The way you talked about it really triggered me.

I’ve experienced people like you, even dated one, where it seems like you can’t empathize with someone who might react emotionally to things differently than you, and then when someone has the audacity to give you the mental angst of considering whether you did something hurtful...

you go even harder trying to put them in their place almost like it’s some kind of defense mechanism to protect your ego.

And the way you were talking to and about your husband also sounded abusive.

OP: Yes I really fd up in this situation, and I was oblivious to it.

I wouldn’t say that I normally have a hard time emphasising with people, but in this case I clearly did. I wasn’t expecting him to react so strongly, and it completely caught me off guard as I said.

I’ve been with him for nine years and I usually know pretty well how he will react, what makes him upset and what doesn’t. But now I just got it all wrong. And I’m not at all happy about it.

Away-Enthusiasm4853: As someone who remembers fights like this from my childhood, have either of you talked to your daughter?

OP: I have. We talked about it in the morning as she thought he was behaving strange when he just left. Again when I put her to bed yesterday and some in between.

I don’t know if he has. He did sleep in her room together with her last night but when he went to bed she was already asleep. Otherwise I don’t think they interacted that much yesterday. Not that he ignored her or were rude to her at all, but I think that she could sense that he was in a bad mood and stayed away.

To night she’s at my parents house, as I thought it would be good for us to talk without her, and for her to not have to deal with our shit. I feel so bad for her having to be caught up in this.

Update 2:

To begin with as there was some concerns as to why my husband wet the bed. Since he was sober, I did try to get him to see a doctor after so many of you suggested he should.

But he outright refused and claimed it was pointless as they wouldn’t do anything anyway. He’s wet the bed one other time that I know of, and both times he was rather exhausted and stressed out so that may have been the reason. I don’t know.

This is too long, so a heads up to anyone who just wants to read about my husband divorcing me – you can stop reading now.

My second post was written just after I had apologised. Based on the initial response on my first post, I concluded that I must be an awful person and I felt so bad for him. But to be honest, I never felt that my initial actions were THAT bad, and I still don’t.

I’m not saying I didn’t deserve any of the hate I got, I surely did, but some of it was just vile, and some of the things I got hated for never happened but in the minds of commenters.

But since outcome of my actions was so horrible and I never intended to hurt him, I felt truly bad I had. So the apology was sincere, and at the time of the second post I was happy we were on speaking terms and hoped we could put this behind us.

It turned out I couldn’t and shortly after, I realised I was still bothered by his behaviour. I also started to receive more comments from people who saw issues with his behaviour as well, which I’m grateful for as it reassured me that it was problematic.

What I omitted on purpose from my first post, as I wanted unbiased opinions is that my husband can be a bit unstable at times. Like he can be very immature and sensitive, has issues controlling his emotions (anger), and he’s so damned hard to get sometimes.

It’s likely due to mental health issues, so it isn’t fair to him and I’m awful for it, but sometimes I just find him so annoying and exhausting. I guess I got called out on that in my first post.

At the time, he’d been in contact with a mental health team for years, but if it wasn’t for them prescribing his medications, he would have cut contact with them a long time ago.

Anyway, I was already a bit tired of always having to cater to his moods and him not doing enough to address his issues, so his weird over the top and threatening reaction (in my opinion) to wetting the bed and me telling our child just felt too much, even though he was hurt.

And as I wrote, I had never felt threatened by him before, so it did bother me even though he didn’t actually do anything. I made some attempts to try to talk with him again about what happened, especially why he got so angry that I felt threatened by it.

I even asked him if it had something to do with him wetting the bed growing up, based on some theories about him being shamed for it in the comments. But he just said it didn’t, and it was clear he didn’t want to talk about any of it, and I didn’t want to push.

He’s so bloody hard to talk with when it comes to stuff like his emotions or relationship issues, which can be very frustrating for me. To be honest I even has some thoughts about whether I wanted to stay in this marriage, but they weren’t that serious.

Then about a week before Christmas he unexpectedly made a suicide attempt (sadly not his first). I did not see it coming, and I still feel like shit for it, probably always will. His memory the hour(s) before is blurry, but he’s adamant he didn’t intend to hurt himself when he left our home that night.

But I should have known. Anyway, it was bad and for a while we didn’t know if he was going to make it or what condition he would be in if he did. Thankfully he survived and did so basically without any long-term effects. The time after was horrible, and when he got to come home he was so unwell he was basically lethargic for weeks.

As to why he did it, the short answer is that he apparently had a hellish amount of anxiety he wanted to go away, which mixed bad with his sometimes complete lack of impulse control. He’s been very clear that it had nothing to do with anything I’ve done.

I didn’t know how bad he was feeling because he didn’t tell me – or anyone else – and it’s so damn hard to help him when he doesn’t tell us how he’s feeling. It scared the shit out of me, and it scared the sh& out of him too.

To the point where he (finally) realised he needed more help and he’s been serious about it in a way he’s never been before. So when he was offered therapy he accepted. Now the waiting time is a joke so he will be starting in October. In the meantime he's been seeing a nurse and a psychiatrist.

By April he was pretty much back to normal and went back to work. In the beginning of May we found out I was pregnant. It was definitely not planned and was a result of us fg up when it came to birth control.

Despite of all the obvious reasons why we should have terminated the pregnancy, we decided to go through with it anyway. It wasn’t a decision we took lightly, but it was what we wanted.

Here I can add that he was a mess during my first pregnancy, and the second – apart from our 6-year old we have a 4-year old as well – was hard for him too. But for some reason that escapes me now, we thought it would be different this time.

And it was, for a while. At 12 weeks we found out it wasn’t one baby but two babies. I know it’s awful, but I would lie if I said we were happy about it initially, but by then we were already set on having a baby so we both wanted to go along with it.

And after having digested the news, we became kind of excited about it. I’m 23 weeks pregnant now, and up until yesterday things have overall been quite good. When he got home from work, he was in a crappy mood.

I thought he’d had a bad day at work, but when I asked him about it, I was served with an angry rant of how stupid we are for having the babies and that we should have aborted them.

Like wtf, and when I asked why he was saying it and pointed out it wasn’t a nice thing to say, he just replied “well you asked and its what I feel”. I didn’t want to talk with him when he was like that so I told him we’d talk about it later.

When the kids were asleep, I asked him what that was all about and where it came from. He said he didn’t know in the way he says it when he doesn’t want to talk about something.

I tried to push a little but got nowhere so I got a bit frustrated and told him that it wasn’t fair to me to say things like that and then refuse to talk about it. He was just silent for a while, then said “f this” and went and locked himself in the bathroom.

When he came out he looked sad, so I asked him if he was okay and he said he needed some air. I was like okay and added something like “its okay to be sad you know”. He didn’t like that so he very angrily told me he wasn’t sad.

I know I should have let him be but I just got such a bad feeling so I asked him to stay. He didn’t like that either so he screamed at me that he didn’t want to fucking stay and slammed the door so hard it woke the kids up when he left.

I couldn’t do much else than tend to the children, pretend everything was fine, and hope he would return safe and sound. I was so damned worried so when the kids were back to sleep I texted him to ask if he was okay, and then I cried. He replied almost instantly, “I’m ok. Home in 5. Sorry!!! Love you”, which eased my worry, but I was still sad and angry. He came back shortly after.

He was clearly high, so he had calmed down (he isn’t addicted). When he saw I was crying, he said he was sorry. I told him I’m not okay with him treating me like that, yada, yada, yada. He said he new and apologised again. We’ve had that conversation before.

I realised I wasn’t even angry with him anymore. Perhaps I should have been. I just asked him to please not run away like that again, and he promised he wouldn’t. But he probably will. Then he was tired so we went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep.

I haven’t been feeling that great today to be honest. I’m scared, disappointed and I feel fg stupid. My husband was in a better mood when he came home today, and he’s been such a sweetheart.

He even talked to me. He apologised for yesterday and told me he was disappointed in himself for how he behaved, that he’s been trying so hard to behave like a normal person (his words), and that he was tired of failing all the fg time.

I know he’s trying and he isn’t failing all the time, so I told him to not be so hard on himself. I asked him about how he was feeling, and he admitted he wasn’t feeling that well, but couldn’t elaborate.

So I asked him how bad “not that well” was, and said it wasn’t too bad and that I didn’t need to worry and promised to tell me if it got worse. But I don’t know if I can trust him on that.

I’m so fg scared he will crash again. I’m not sure I have the energy for it, not now, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have it either. I’m hoping so much that therapy will help him, but I’m not sure what realistically can be expected from it. What if it doesn’t make a difference? What do we do then?

I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, as my posts have only focused on the negative, but I love my husband so so so much, and I don’t want to live without him. But I don’t want to live like this either. I don’t know, perhaps I’m just overly sensitive right now being pregnant and all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter #1: Oh god bless, you will soon have 2 newborns, 4 in total 7 & under, and a clearly very very mentally unwell husband. He is a ticking time bomb?

I'm sorry, but your life and present situation us quite dire. Family nearby, active relationships? Do you have a safe place that would take you & thr kids in at a minutes notice?

OOP: It sure does sound bad put like that, and I honestly having a bit of a hard time taking it in that that is my life.

On a positive note we both have our parents, siblings and friends close by. I have a decent relationship with my parents and they know my husband struggles with his mental health. But there are things I’m not comfortable talking about with them. And his parents are great and helped out so much when it was at its worst. But it’s complicated.

I really don’t think he would ever be a threat to me, but I’m honestly not as sure as I used to be anymore. I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt the kids. But yes, if it were to come to that, the door to my parents’ home is always open for me and the kids.

Commenter #2: This is above Reddit’s pay grade.

You need a support system, couples counseling, possibly different medical professionals.

We are definitely willing to listen and propose support from a digital perspective. I empathize with your situation, but am not a licensed professional for answers.

Ask for help from those around you, if you can. This is a big burden on your relationship, and you’re facing it head-on. You need to be supported. Either a professional or online support.

Good Luck

OOP: Thank you! You’re right. I have been thinking I probably need therapy too, or at least someone professional to talk to. Because I’m not comfortable talking freely to my friends and family about everything I want to talk about.

Commenter #3: Ok so he really needs to get his bipolar disorder under control. That includes talk therapy not just medication. I’d do couples therapy as well. Please ask for some family support as well. This is too much for you to manage. Please take care of yourself and the kids.

If that means removing yourself permanently or until he is actively working on his mental problems. I say this because it is not just you there. It’s kids who also may have mental health struggles in their dna and seeing him Be unstable, angry and destructive is challenging for any kids. He needs to get better for them.

Update 3:

Now I’m not saying he isn’t bipolar, but he isn’t diagnosed with it. He’s formally diagnosed with EIPS/BPD - according to him misdiagnosed so it’s sort of a sore subject - and ADHD.

I honestly feel so bad for the kids. He is a good dad and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt them. He’s actually surprisingly patient with them. But even though he tries to behave when they’re around they are indirectly affected by his behaviour.

I’ve been trying for so long to make him realise he needs therapy as well. He has “tried” a few times, but never gotten back after the first session. He will give it a try again, starting in October, and he’s promised he won’t quit, and he does seem serious about it. But we’ll see.

In theory I’m open to couples therapy as well, but I don’t think he’s ready for it. We tried it once and he was just silent the whole session a part from a few “I don’t know”s. He didn’t want to go back and I honestly didn’t see the point of it either.

OOP on her husband’s frustrations

OOP: I suppose. But I sure do wish for it. It would make everything so much easier, for him too. Because when he goes on angry rants like that he’s just nasty and off-putting to be honest. Like calling us two fucking stupid cunts doesn’t really evoke my sympathy.

Everything you wrote above is true and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with my stupidity in this situation. There are mitigating factors like us not knowing it was twins when we decided to continue the pregnancy. But in the end it doesn’t really matter and I decided to keep the babies when I shouldn’t have. It was stupid.

I want to make it super clear that my husband wanted the baby when we thought it was just one, and he still wanted them when we found out it was two. I would not have gone along with the pregnancy if it wasn’t what he wanted too. So this is in no way a situation he was forced into by me. Even though it somehow feels like it now.

I guess it all comes down to me thinking I should have known better. Like I should have known this would likely be too hard for him even though he didn’t realise it himself at the time.