Woman blindsided when BF of 5 years disappears 3 weeks before wedding; he confesses, 'You threatened me.' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is completely blindsighted by her boyfriend of five years abandoning her 3 weeks before their wedding, she asks Reddit:
"My fiancé left me 3 weeks before the wedding and im going thru all the emotions. AITA?"
I got home from work only to find that me fiancé had packed up all his stuff and moved out.
He left me a note saying that we fight a lot and that he doesn’t to live the rest of his life like that and that he doesn’t want to get married. I cant express how my heart dropped walking into the apartment seeing all his stuff gone. And my relationship and wedding dreams shattered. We’ve been together 5 years.
He refused to meet with me. He refused to provide explanations just said that it was all in the note he left behind. Well, now he finally met and said he had been planning to leave me for the past 3 months before he left.
He didn’t know if he was going to go thru with it but the fight we had before he left solidified it. He said we had communication problems where he felt he always had to lie to me about things because id get mad if he told me certain things and he wanted to avoid confrontation.
He said he proposed only to make me happy and because he didn’t want to lose me but he couldn’t do it when the wedding actually got close.
Now, he wants to start over as bf gf and see how things go. He makes me feel like it was all my fault or like it was all a lie. I want to go back to before we were even engaged. I want to go back to the beginning.
I still love him but I don’t know how we could possibly ever get over this. I get a sunk feeling in my chest even as I’m writing this and part of me is so angry. But part of me is sad. My feelings are all over the place.
What if I would have done something different. What if I hadn’t fought with him so much. What if I had just stayed silent when he’d lie or stayed out. What ifs are taking over my head. I really need support that everything will be okay and everything is for a reason.
Before we give you all of OP's juicy, lengthy updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
deliciousstranger writes:
So wait....you pushed him into proposing, despite him very clearly not wanting to. To the point where you made him buy you a ring and planned the proposal. You have previously gotten angry at him and blame him for provoking you.
He literally wouldn't even come home because he didn't want to have to fight with you. No matter how much this guy was telling you he didn't want to get married, he didn't want to do any of what you were pushing him to do you still stayed and tried to make him do what you wanted?
Look - you're going to get a lot of sympathy and SOME of it is going to be deserved cos yeah this is a shitty situation to be in - but a lot of this is of your own making.
A guy spent 5 years telling you he didn't want to get married until he literally had to move out while you were at work so he knew he could get away. That's a hell of a red flag for YOUR behaviour.
Why did you push this guy into a proposal? Why did you push him into commitments he told you he didn't want? Why were you getting so angry at him that he didn't want to come home?
Why did he get to the point where he had to basically flee you? This guy made a run for it, leaving you a note saying he doesn't want to live like this. And even then you hassled him into meeting up with you demanding an explanation. This dude sounds scared of you.
You should probably find a therapist who will hold you accountable for your own behaviour and talk through how and why you got into a position where a guy packed up and left while you were out to try and get away from you.
Cos, honestly, if a GUY was like 'I badgered my girlfriend into marrying me, got really angry whenever she said no, made her buy me a ring and then planned my own proposal even after she tried to not propose.
My gf then packed up and fled our home leaving a note saying she doesn't want to live like this. I refused to accept this and then badgered her into meeting me and explaining herself.' I don't think people would be as understanding.
I think the abusive red flags of your behaviour would be a lot clearer.
smallframe1912 writes:
OP I'm going to be blunter than I was in the last post because you're still not accepting this: this man does not love you and does not want to marry you. He lies to you and then blames you for it.
He doesn't communicate about anything. He is 36 years old, he is old enough to know to do those things - he doesn't want to and you're letting him string you along by engaging with him.
These people are telling you you're "the abuser" because they don't have the context of the first post. You are being DARVOd. Google what that is right now. Every time you engage in his madness you are only making things worse for yourself. You will not ever win.
He will not ever "work on these things". No amount of commitment or change on your part will change his actions. He told you point blank that only his feelings matter and you are surprised he does not care how you feel about anything. Stop tolerating this and leave. This is not a relationship.
wastedad7 writes:
Just reading what you described sounds exhausting so I can’t imagine how you felt being in it. Really sorry this happened to you and for the pain you are going through, but this person is so far from the one for you, you just can’t see it bc you’ve been in it for so long.
This isn’t how you treat someone you love and care about. You want someone who can’t wait to propose, can’t wait to share experiences with you, wants to help you be a better person and you do that in return. This guy is not that guy from what you’ve written. At this point, he’s not even your friend no matter what he says.
If I were you, I’d block him everywhere and take the time to heal. Focus on yourself. Go to individual counseling to work on not only what happened but the responses you described (your temper, overreaction, etc).
You can’t control other people and what they do, only your response to them. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but from what you wrote here, you’re now rid of a huge weight that was dragging you down. Sorry again, OP. It will get better.
Then, OP provides her first lengthy update that provides more details about what led to her BF leaving her:
First of all, thank you for all the Dm’s and comments on my first post. I had a lot to process the last couple of days. However, I had a chance to talk more with my ex fiancé.
Short recap for those who didnt read OG post, my fiancé left me 3 weeks before our wedding by moving out while I was at work and leaving me a note saying he didn’t want to get married.
At first, he refused to meet me face to face saying he didnt owe me anymore explanations and that he didnt want me to change his mind. Then finally he met with me.
He said that he left the way that he did because he had exams he needed to focus on that he was worried if he said he wanted to leave earlier, it would have started a fight which he couldn’t handle or wanted to deal with at the time.
He said he left while I was at work so that I wouldn’t have a chance to try to “convince” him to stay or change his mind. I asked him why he proposed in the first place then if he had no intention of going thru with the wedding.
And he said because he thought in the year and a half long engagement, he could talk himself into marrying me.
That he wasn’t prepared to lose me and wanted to keep me happy but as the date got closer, he realized it was real and couldn’t do it. So essentially just proposed to placate me and not have me bringing it up anymore. He said he at least gave me the “experience” of planning a wedding.
Why not just talk about it then? Why not have just told me he didn’t feel ready? I just feel like I have to vent now that I am in the angry and hurt phase.
I do feel like I made the mistake of “pressuring” him to propose constantly but its because he would always say “im not sure if I ever want to get married ever” or he would put a timeline that he was going to propose by and the timeline would come and go and he would not propose.
He took me to look at engagement rings, bought one, returned it without me knowing and when I found out, we ended up going back together to get another one because I was furious.
The proposal was a disaster in itself as he procrastinated planning it and ultimately had me plan it. The day before he proposed, he went to a gala (which he didnt invite me to), he said he was going to network only and would only be there for a little.
He ended up not coming home until 11am the next day and saying its because he wanted to drink with his friends and if I had been there I wouldn’t have let him.
Then he came home saying he was suppose to be proposing but maybe shouldnt now because we had a fight (THAT HE CAUSED). He dangled a proposal to me for 3 years!!
When if thats not what he wanted, he should have just said. Not leave 3 weeks before the wedding while im at work and leave me a note!! Yet these “fights” and him not feeling like he could do what he wanted was the reasons he claimed he did what he did.
He painted me out to be a demon to our friends and his family, like I’m the crazy one. I would only act crazy because I was provoked. He would never invite me out with his friends or work parties or school events.
He’d say its because in the past I may have gotten mad at something or it felt like it was tense so instead he chose to go alone and leave me so he could do what he wanted.
I admit that there had been times I over reacted and lost my temper at thing but it was because of an accumulation of things.
He would lie and say he was going to work and instead stay out late with his friends drinking. He would turn off his phone if he didnt want to handle conflict or if I was starting to get upset about something.
And sometimes not even come home to avoid the conflict. He said his lies are justified because he felt if he told me the truth, id get mad so he felt he couldnt communicate with me but id get mad because he would LIE!!
Please, make it make sense. You cant do whatever you want in a relationship as if you are single and then say that im acting irrationally when I get mad at the way you are acting.
I stayed with him no matter the lies, no matter how many nights crying. No matter how I felt, I knew I loved him and wanted to work it out so badly. I was not perfect at all but all I wanted was him to communicate at the level he stopped a long time ago.
I guess I was always scared of him leaving, and so I pushed for commitment when maybe I should have just let things flow and we would have been happier.
But on the other hand, maybe he never wanted to be serious ever and just would have stayed for convenience if I never pushed for more. I sound so crazy right now but even venting all this I’m crying because I still want to make it work but how??? Why?? What is wrong with me?? I am really losing my mind. I am 26 and he is 35, together 5 years.
Then, OP adds this second juicy update about the "proposal."
Also, I admit that I was dumb for thinking a proposal was coming but its not an ultimatium for me to have said this is what I want, and if you want something different we should break up.
I dont understand why people are coming for me for saying that id leave if he didnt want to get married? So I was suppose to stay? I probably should have just left and not asked him again but he kept saying it was coming and always seemed to have a justification for why he needed more time.
He said at the beginning he wanted to get married and that I was the only girl hed ever thought about marrying. Because his last two exes had left over him not wanting to propose.
But then he switched to say he wasnt sure so thats why then we had the discussion that if he didnt want to we shouldnt be together. And from there it spiraled into him asking for more time.
I did feel bad about bringing up getting married a lot. But I do not agree with me saying that if he didnt want to get married its viewed as negative. If two people dont want the same thing, one does need to leave.
And I should have left. Because at the end of this all, he said it wouldnt have mattered if I stayed and never brought up the proposal, he isnt sure he ever wants to get married to anyone ever.
I told him if he didnt want to get married then we should part ways. Its not an ultimatum to be harmful but its that we would be incompatible and better off separate.
And I said this long ago. But I do agree, that when he kept putting timelines and pushing it off, I should have just walked away instead of waiting like hed say.
When he said he wasnt sure he wanted to get married, I said ok we should go our separate ways. And hed start panicking saying he loved me and didnt want to lose me. He said the communication was off after leaving before the wedding but YET i was the one saying that for years before?!
And he would say I was over thinking, that I was threatening him. I make him tense when I go because he acts like he is younger than me when we go out to these parties or events and he knows im not like that so I wont partake in it.
He wants to get drunk and not come home or come home drunk from bars and parties and not have to take any responsibility for anything because ive always been at home taking care of everything, including the puppy that HE bought.
I did not push him into proposing by getting angry or demanding. He never said he didnt want to get married, he would say he wasnt sure and when I would say well if you arent sure maybe we should break up.
Then, OP provides this third and final update about her history with her fiancé:
Suddenly he was sure that he didnt want to lose me and start making time lines. Maybe I should clarify better. I would tell him if thats not he wanted then we should go separate ways because we were incompatible to which he would say no he didnt want to break up or lose me he just needed more time.
So when I said I felt I pressured is because I would never let up on asking him so how much time? Where is this proposal? Because he would put timelines and blow right thru them.
He wouldnt come home to have a fight with me because he knew it would be a fight because of what he had done.
He would lie and say hes going to work so hell be home a little late only for me to try to call him and text him wondering when hed be home when hours ago his work closed.
Only for him to turn off his phone to not have to answer and stay out. Then come home and say he rather do what he wanted and deal with the consequences after (fighting with me) then ask and maybe me saying no or getting mad he wanted to stay out super late drinking and not coming home.
And he fled and left like he did because he never liked confrontation. He never liked any chance of a no to his behavior or to have any hard conversations.
Thats why he never came home if he was doing anything wrong that he knew was wrong and would cause a fight. And on top of that, they didnt have to be fights. If he would just have communicated instead of constantly lying, I wouldnt be mad. Id be mad at the lying.
Also, he left it for 3 weeks before the wedding because he had his exams the months before and he didnt want to lose focus of them by making a big fight. So, he held off till the very last minute.
FYI: The outbursts only started because of the lies. He would say hes only going to go out for an hour or two with his friends only to turn off his phone if I would text him when hes coming home.
Hed end up coming back the next day or hours later. Hed avoid talking about any issues. He would stay out studying at the library or at his parents house for hours leaving me alone at the house.
He would say because me and the puppy distracted him so hed leave and say that hed be back only to not come back. Or hed make small lies like hes going to work but really hed be going out with friends and getting f-d up.
But I always told him, im mad that you lie…and I find out. And tell him to communicate with me but he said it was easier to go and do what he wanted and deal with the consequences after then to ask me and possibly get into a fight.
Then theres just the little things. With him being selfish, which he said he always has been. He would make decisions on his own that would have effect on both of us without discussing it with me. Its like he was single and i was just a roommate.
Not even a friend. He wouldnt communicate things with me but then say that was our issue and he wants to work on it NOW?
Second, he waited till he knew id be at work and left a note because he said id try to convince him stay or get upset and he didnt want to deal with that. He had made his choice.
Readers wasted no time weighing in on these juicy updates:
discoght writes:
I’m really not liking all the comments saying “OP gave him an ultimatum that forced him to propose waaah”. OP said that if marriage was not on the table, they should break up. That’s not an ultimatum.
That’s cause and effect. That’s OP asserting what she wants and needs for the relationship to continue, that this is a core value for her and without it, she’s not interested in continuing the relationship.
Rather than saying, “I’m not looking for marriage, so we’re going to have to do the tough thing and break up”, he said, “oh yeah I want to get married!!! I’m going to string you along for a few more years though!!!”
She gave him an out multiple times, and he didn’t take it. Instead, he lied to OP constantly and called her crazy for being mad at him for lying.
majesticjazzhands writes:
I know how much this hurts right now, I’ve actually been through something similar. Was engaged, had everything set to do a very, very, very small ceremony with him. The f-d up thing is we went to therapy together anyway, just because we each were dealing with some personal things and we wanted to keep communication healthy between us. We never even had an argument.
And then literally out of the blue, at one of the therapy sessions he drops this bombshell that not only did he not want to get married, he didn’t want to be with me at all.
He had lost a decent amount of weight and I did not, he was getting more attention from women and he decided that him being able to have as much sex with as many women as possible was the priority in his life.
I can tell you firsthand I know you’re feeling right now; broken, lost, confused, angry, remorseful, depressed. When you lose a relationship like this, it is very much a grieving process. You’re mourning the relationship you thought you had, and where you thought you were both heading in the future.
You don’t want to be have to convince someone that you’re worth it. You shouldn’t have to give someone an ultimatum to be with you.
This is going to really suck for a while, if you can get into therapy, do it so you can move through this in a healthy way. I promise you at some point you’re going to feel free. You’re still so, so young with so much life ahead of you to find the right person for you. It’s just not this one, you deserve better than him.