Woman shocked after BF attacks her best friend's boyfriend. AITA? INTENSE UPDATE 3 DAYS LATER.
When this woman is humiliated by her BF's behavior, she asks Reddit:
"Boyfriend went off on bestie's boyfriend. Caused drama, now we're distant. AITA?"
Two nights ago my best friend and her boyfriend (25F/27M) came to mine and my boyfriends (28F/33M) house for dinner and drinks. I’ll call them Jack and Jill. This was the first time my boyfriend had meet them.
Jill and I have been friends since high school. She moved a few states away for college, graduated and got a job in her new state. She meet Jack in college. They’ve been together for a few years and this was my first time meeting him. They were in town visiting her family.
On to what happened. Everything was going fine. Jill and I were catching up, my bf and jack were having beers and talking football (NFL) while my bf manned the bbq.
While we were eating, jack and jill brought up that they are looking at rentals in the area. Jill wanted to be closer to her family and her job was one she could do remotely. I was ecstatic to get my best friend back in town!
They said Jack was having a hard time finding work though and they needed two incomes to be able to afford a place in our area. Rent in our area for a decent 2bd/2bath runs around $1700 to $2200.
Jack graduated with a political science degree. He said he’d applied to some local newspapers and some positions for the city. He also had applications in with various campaigns/political groups.
My boyfriend chimed in and said if Jack was interested he could work for him. My boyfriend runs a small car detailing company. He has 3 work vans that he outfitted for car detailing.
Basically he drives to people’s homes and cleans their cars. He’s booked out months in advance….it’s actually quite impressive and he makes good money. He offered to train Jack and pay him $24 an hour to start if jack could commit to at least a year of working for him.
Jack kind of scoffed at the offer and told my boyfriend he didn’t spend tens of thousands on a degree to clean cars….which I can understand. But it did come across as rude.
My boyfriend said fair enough. But here’s where I think my boyfriend took it to the next level. He asked jack who was paying for the gas for their road trip…jack didn’t answer. He asked jack who was paying for their food on the trip….jack didn’t answer.
He asked him how they would get approved for a rental if he couldn’t verify employment….Jack was visibly getting pissed. I hinted to my boyfriend he needed to cut it out but he kept going with the questions and eventually Jill interrupted and said it was time for them to leave.
This was the first time I’d seen her in a long time and they were supposed to crash at our place that night. Before they left she told me my boyfriend was an asshole and she wouldn’t be coming back if he was there.
Boyfriend and I fought all night. I asked him why he couldn’t just bite his tongue for the sake of keeping the peace and that everything was going great till that conversation.
He told me Jack was pretentious p***y and he was trying to help my friends out by offering him a job. I told him it was a nice gesture but understood why jack didn’t want a blue collar job making $20 something an hour after spending a ton of money on college.
He responded by telling me that a blue collar job is why he’s “able to pay for this house and all your (my) shit.” I work part time, but he does cover most our expenses.
This was the first time he’s ever thrown that in my face in our relationship. I called him an asshole. He’s been sleeping on the couch.
It’s been a bad vibe between us. I don’t know how to approach the situation….Jill and I have been texting and she’s set on not coming around again unless my boyfriend apologizes to Jack. When I told boyfriend this he said “Jack can go flip burgers and f off.”
I can’t leave my boyfriend and I do love him. But I want to be able to hang out with my best friend….especially when she moves back. I don’t know what to do. AITA?
Before we give you OP's update (3 days later) let's take a look at some of the top responses:
massivebumwizard writes:
If I were your boyfriend, I would have absolutely no intention of apologising and that is a hill I would die on. These complete strangers came to his home and insulted him when he offered to help out someone who can’t seem to find employment? Nah, my blood would have been boiling.
And then to top it off, his own girlfriend (the beneficiary of this “blue collar” lifestyle) sides against him? He didn’t throw anything in your face....he’s simply reminding you that his humble, lowly career is putting a roof over your head and food on the table.
Imagine you work your ass off to build your own business and then some pretentious little clown scoffs in your face? And then your girlfriend says YOU are the one who should apologise? Honestly, it shouldn’t be him sleeping on the sofa...
jellyp314 writes:
I gotta say I am on your BF's side. Not only did Jack insult him, regardless of intention of not. You went on to insult him afterwards. The real question is, who's feeling are more important to you, your friends or your BF's?
Your BF was proving a point. A point that 90% of blue collar workers in America will wrestle with in their life. That sometimes having a job is better than not having a job. Not to mention that 24/hour is just under 50k a year which is a respectable wage almost anywhere in the US.
Not only did Jack shit on your BF, but you had to do it too. When that same blue collar job supports your life style. Have some respect for what your BF has built with his bare hands.
I'm sure this isn't the first time your BF had to deal with the fact that somebody who went to collage looks down on him for not. As a blue collar worker this is a very common theme to deal with, and it gets tiring...
The fact is that your BF's business has almost limitless potential to earn him money in the future whether he is the one doing the work or not. Jack's degree only nets him money when he is actively working. From my perspective Jack could learn a thing or two.
amidprimalthings writes:
I’m with your boyfriend on this one. My boyfriend is a “blue collar” worker who makes very good money; in fact he makes more than I do on average despite the fact that I work in a “white collar” industry.
I wouldn’t dream of looking down on him or his contributions to our family because of his job. Quite the opposite: I am immensely grateful for them (as you should be too).
The fact you stooped so low as to try to force him into apologizing for being insulted in his own home after being more than generous to your friends oaf of a partner is absolutely wild.
Oh, and your boyfriend didn’t “throw” it in your face that he supports you and your lifestyle. He pointed out the very real fact that you had no issue taking the side of your best friend and her pretentiously rude boyfriend despite the fact you’re more than willing to live off of his blue collar money.
You all needed the reality check and I’m glad he gave you one. You need to eat humble pie, apologize, and fix things with your boyfriend before he boots you to the curb and you find yourself living with your BFF and her unemployed, high-class, white-collar boyfriend and then you really understand the meaning of the word “struggle”.
You’re ungrateful for your boyfriend and his contributions. The fact you did this to him is wildly wrong and I hope you understand that fact.
forbod writes:
OPs boyfriend definitely took it up a notch, but with good reason. OP, her bff, and bff’s bf all lack a fundamental thing humans must posses: Self Awareness.
I am utterly disappointed in OP and how she handled this situation. The fact that you could even want to defend the stranger, insulting YOUR man, in YOUR HOME, all for attempting to do the man a favor and give him some work, all so you could SEE YOUR BFF MORE & THEY COULD LIVE CLOSER TO YOU.
I mean? What the fk man? The amount of self awareness everyone in this scenario lacks in so astonishing I am absolutely shocked all of you are not teenagers, truthfully, excluding OPs boyfriend.
I mean I am aware enough that he could’ve been the bigger man, and not escalated the situation, but, this is just so fg crazy to me. I am flabbergasted, bewildered, and absolutely mind blown that you even have the audacity to come on this post and even try to make your BF out to be the bad guy. I feel sorry for the guy.
If I was in this situation I wouldn’t even be able to look you in the eyes, let alone the thought of reconciling things. You have painted a picture clear as day of who you are as a person, and I believe your boyfriend knows this as well.
If he didn’t before, he is wildly aware of it now. I only wish kindness on people and I hope you can figure things out, but coming from an honest stranger, you have some serious growing up to do.
You are ungrateful and so concerned with your own feelings and being respecting, you are once again lacking the self awareness to know that, news flash, your boyfriends feelings and need of being respected is just as important as your own.
You are making this whole ordeal about you and how “he didn’t listen to me” while simultaneously giving absolutely 0 fs that these people your boyfriend was trying to help essentially looked down upon him and spit on his career in his own home.
Not to mention it’s a career he built HIMSELF. This will be the last thing I write, but I truly hope you can humble yourself.
admirableshare writes:
Yeah why are you defending the wrong guy here? Your boyfriend offerred a job with good pay for a year to help a stranger you both met and he trashed his offer and insulted you both in YOUR HOUSE AND BACKYARD.
I would be pissed and I’m wondering why you aren’t with both your Best Friend and her boyfriend. He was trying to help and they were snobs about. You need to have your boyfriend’s back on this not defend the offending party.
I’m not suprised he acted the way he did to the guy and to you. You need to appoligize to him and tell your BFF that you will not tolerate her and her partner being rude and attcking your SO.
She may be your best friend, but your loyalty should be to your partner if you actually love him and want to keep him. Any person with selfrespect would react the way he did and most would consider rude or at the very least justified.
You need to back up the one who loves you enough to offer to hire and complete stranger to help your best friend FOR YOU. If you don’t don’t be suprise if he leaves you later...
because you broke his trust in you having his back and I would want to be with someone who defends those that insullts his partner and himself and wonders why their mad at their SO. I’m just saying as fair warning to you. I hope you see sense and do whats right. Good luck.
3 days later, OP posts this update:
I posted about an incident with my best friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend 3 days ago. You can go read the comments but needless to say….i got ripped a new one and was given a big reality check.
I got asked many times for up an update. There’s been some significant, and surprising, developments since I posted so here ya go. It’s a long one:
After I posted and started reading and responding to the comments I realized how badly I’d fd up. That night I messaged Jill and told her that we needed to meet in person, just us, and find a way to make this right.
She agreed and told me she had something to tell me. We meet at a local bar, just the two of us and I was NOT expecting things to go the way they did.
Originally they were supposed to stay the night at our place the night of the BBQ. When they left after the incident they went to Jill’s fathers/step-mothers house. They weren’t expecting them till the following night.
When they asked what happened Jack and Jill told them about the job offer incident….and they didn’t get the response they were expecting. Turns out, and I don’t know how I didn’t know this, my boyfriend has been detailing Jill’s father and stepmothers cars once a month since before we were even together.
They’re a well-known real estate couple/team in our area. Boyfriend (or his employees) do their “show cars” that they use to shuttle around prospective buyers when looking at properties.
They had nothing but glowing things to say about my boyfriend. Jill said she told her father in private (away from Jack) about the way in which Jack refused the job offer and his comment about not spending thousands on college to clean cars.
She said her dad laughed in her face and said “you know (my boyfriend) probably makes about as much and I do, if not more, right?” Her dad told her how my boyfriend does almost everyone’s cars in his office and that he’s referred him to tons of people that he’s sold homes to.
When Jill told him that he offered Jack $24 an hour with a yearlong commitment he told her that Jack would be a fool not to jump on it and that if he could still get the job they could live with them (they have a big ass house) and save money during that year to put down on a place.
He also told her that her and jacks “elitist” attitude was troubling and that he “raised her better” and was disappointed in her. She said she felt like shit about how everything went down and seeing her dad look at her that way made her realize how in the wrong they were.
Jill said she was going to talk with Jack when she got home from our meet up and convince him to apologize together to my boyfriend and pray that my boyfriend will still offer Jack the job. I told her I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was her and that even I felt like I was on thin ice.
That night my boyfriend finally talked. I apologized profusely. I told him how wrong I was not to stick up for him. I told him I appreciated him and didn’t mean to downplay his job or its importance to us.
I told him it was his house and he should never have to listen to anyone disrespect him like that….especially when you he was offering his hospitality and trying to help them. Tears started flowing.
As I spoke I realized that I had fd up really badly. Everything kind of became a blur and I started hyper ventilating. I was begging him not to leave me and telling him I loved him.
He put his arms around me and told me to relax while I bawled in his chest….i hadn’t cried like that in a long long time. I think the reality that he’d be well justified in kicking me out kinda hit me all at once.
After I calmed down we sat down and he explained why he was so upset. He said he felt my reaction showed that I didn’t understand how hard he works to provide us the life we have.
He said he doesn’t think I understand the struggles he endured to get to where he is. He told me that before he meet me and his company was just getting off the ground that basically lived in one of his work vans for 6 months.
He maxed out multiple credit cards and borrowed money from his parents to start everything. He told me that when I said the “just clean cars” bit….that it really hurt him to hear me downplay his hard work.
This hurt me so much to hear. I told him I’m just a stupid spoiled girl and I was so sorry. I told him I didn’t know about his hardships before meeting me. He’d never talked about them. He said “well….now you know.” I nodded and told him something like this will never happen again.
He slept in the bedroom that night and we had AMAZING sex till the early morning hours. The next morning Jill reached out to my boyfriend on facebook. She asked if her and Jack could come over and talk. He, to my surprise, said yes. They came over that evening.
There was an awkward tension you couldn’t almost touch. Jill was the first one to talk. She said that she didn’t know my boyfriend did her dads and stepmoms cars. My boyfriend replied with a “yep”….with a shit eating grin.
Jill said they had nothing but good things to say about him and that they didn’t mean to disrespect him and they really appreciated the offer. She said she felt like he was trying to humiliate Jack and she was just sticking up for her boyfriend.
When she said that, my boyfriend briefly shot me a look as if to say “like you should have”….i felt a little sting. He said he understood, and that he felt liked he was being looked down on and was just trying to make a point….but that he took it to far. HE ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED lol.
This is where things took a wrong turn. Jill looked at jack and said “there anything you wanna say, babe?”
Jack apologized and asked if the offer still stood. Again, to my surprise, my boyfriend said it did if he could commit to a year. Jack said he had two questions….can he leave if he finds a job in his field and gives 30 days notice? Boyfriend said yes.
The next wasn’t a question, but more of a demand, and it didn’t go well…..he said he wouldn’t work weekends. Jill looked puzzled and said “what?” My boyfriend said that wasn’t possible.
He said the weekends are money makers and working at least Saturdays would be a must. He told Jack on a given Saturday he’d make over $100 in cash tips on top of wages. Jack said he didn’t think he could accept the offer then.
Jack and Jill started fighting between themselves. They got more and more heated with Jill explaining if they were gonna move then they didn’t have a choice and him working Saturdays wouldn’t be a big deal and they needed the money.
Jack said he needed Saturdays for “down time” to job hunt online for jobs in his field. Jill eventually gave up, thanked my boyfriend and said they needed to leave.
As they left my boyfriend couldn’t help himself and said “You know Jill, if you want some work on the side, you can come work for me Saturdays. I’ll pay you cash under the table and you can keep your tips….you’d probably make a killing!”
She got a big shit eating grin, turned to Jack, then back to my boyfriend and said “You know what? I just might (bf’s name). I really might take you up on that. Thank you for the offer.” For some reason I think she was being dead serious.
When they were gone my boyfriend turned to me and said “I don’t think we’ll be seeing Jack again.” I replied I think he might be right. Then he said “people like him make us liberals look like p*****s, babe.” (yes we’re democrats).
An hour later Jill texted me and told me she’s going to break up with Jack when they get back home and she’s gonna move in with her parents. She asked if boyfriend was serious about the offer lol.
All in all, this was eye opening and I think we’re closer now. Thank you for the dose of reality on my last post. Bye.