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Woman shocked at ex-husband's 'ice-cold' behavior during custody battle, 'The girls are devastated.' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES

Woman shocked at ex-husband's 'ice-cold' behavior during custody battle, 'The girls are devastated.' AITA? 3 MAJOR UPDATES


When this woman is disturbed by her husband's reaction to their custody battle, she asks Reddit:

"My Husband is too busy and too important to care about our children and Im sick of it. AITA?"

My husband is a surgeon. And according to him hes the most important person in the world. A god among men who casually determines life or death and is far far too important to be bothered by the trivial concerns of us mere peons.

Concerns like maybe you should spend some time with your fucking kids. But oh no. You see he works so hard and has so much pressure that when hes home he has to be sequestered from the annoying sounds of our girls playing or you know being happy to see him.

My dad has picked up the slack. Hes been the one thats changed their diapers, I drop them off at school and go to work, dad picks them up and stays with them till I get home.

My dad was the one who taught them to ride a bike, my dad is the one who shows up to the plays and dance recitals, hes the one that helps with the homework, my dad is the one who dresses as Santa, my dad is the one who does the easter egg hunts, and the tea parties. My husband is far too important for any of that.

And despite the fact that my husband has absolutely no interest in our kids he is still pissed that the kids are closer to my dad than him. So my dad is now struggling financially. We have the means to help him.

But my husband doesn't want to. He'd rather see my dad moved to the other side of the country and removed from our kids lives. I put my foot down and he goes on to reddit to whine about it.

Well now Im here too dear. You want to whine about our marriage on reddit I can do it too!

Then, OP provides this FIRST initial update (pre-custody battle):

UPDATE: WOW this all blew up. I was so angry when I posted this now I'm just drained. He came by yesterday to pick up some things and we argued. The girls were out with my dad because I knew this would be a fight and I didnt want them around for this.

He said awful things. Just awful. About me, my dad and the girls. After he left, I talked to my mom. We have a difficult relationship but if there's one person I want in my corner going into the divorce its her. The divorce is happening. I saw an attorney my mom recomended today.

I'm really really glad I went through with that prenup my mom wanted when we got married now. At this point I wont speak to my stbx husband. My lawyer is doing my talking for me. I'm exhausted. Thank you everyone for all the support. It helped to read the comments and no people supported me.

He made me feel so small and stupid yesterday, and he said awful things about our girls. I'm not mad anymore. I'm just heartbroken. Our girls deserve better than this. I really wanted better for them.

I just wanted to have a family and a nice home. Now I'm just going through a divorce like my parents. I never wanted this. I tried so hard to keep this all together so we didnt wind up here. But I failed. More later.

Before we give you OP's first MAJOR UPDATE after the divorce, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

cowandspoon writes:

I have quite a number of friends that work in the medical field, from nurses to consultants and without hesitation if you ask them who the worst group of people they work with are, they’ll say surgeons.

Their takes are almost identical: brilliant at what they do, but emotionally stunted, and almost devoid of basic life or social skills. One very talented surgeon that used to work with a pal of mine had to be told not to put metal in the microwave.

Twice. They always mentioned an exception to the rule, and it took 15 years for me to realise they were all talking about the same guy. I thought it was just a generalisation - surely this can’t be all of them? Then I went on a date with one. Jesus Christ, I spent most of that time wondering how they were allowed to leave the house unsupervised.

You must have the patience of a saint. Get your Dad into the pool house, and best of luck! Also, apologies to the lovely, well-adjusted surgeons out there - you do great work.

elevenblade writes:

Surgeon here, married to an internal medicine subspecialist. You can totally make time for your kids. The job is demanding but there are ways to carve out protected private time. I made a deal to work 90% as did my spouse.

Our incomes took a mild hit but it was well worth it. When the kids were small I’d use that afternoon to pick them up from school when they had their weekly half-day and we’d go do something fun together. As they got older I’d parlay my half-days off into three day family weekends.

Long hours are inevitable in your husband’s line of work but you can go quite a ways to make up for quantity with quality time. The trick is to make your kids feel that they are the center of your universe when you are with them.

Your kids are only young once and you never get that time back. Besides the harm to your children, your husband is cheating himself out of the unique, wonderful experience of being a father.

elysianvisions writes:

My experience with an almost identical situation but from a childs perspective: from the age of 14-19 my dad was inventing something extremely famous that all of you use daily (I promise), and as a result...

he was never home because he’s the most brilliant man in the world and was in charge of this massive project, so even when he was home his head was elsewhere except for dinner (half the time).

As a child, and the only girl, this greatly affected my relationship with men, and for my siblings, they too were very negatively affected.

No one was allowed to be smarter (he competed with us), no one’s time was more valuable, and no one received more awards (to that, he does have a shit ton of awards - one from then Prince Charles).

And it utterly destroyed our family. Tore it to shreds. My mother was on her own with five kids, almost no support, and left all of us emotionally stunted. Obviously a divorce ensued. He’s STILL like that but now that he’s in his late 80’s is realizing the damage, and it’s much too late to fix it.

Kudos to your amazing father… your kids are so lucky to have him. Absolutely take care of him regardless of what your husband says. OP: imo it won’t get better. Get out while you can still have a life.

datelinedeli writes:

Daughter of a surgeon here. Mine was the chief and is now a professor. He turned 83 in October and is still working. They never quit. It’s who they are.

There’s a lot to unpack here but the most important thing to hold close is this: We know who raised us. We understand and appreciate all you do. We will always choose our mother first.

He loves us, but his love language is “doing” and my mom’s is “quality time” …. Eventually the 5 of us would watch him perform surgery and accept awards and all that and we found ways to have a relationship with him, but we never forget who raised us.

The one thing I wish for my mom is that she had the will to leave. She says she’s happy, but we could see how dead her eyes were when we left for college.

We are her whole world and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I know she got lonely a hell of a lot more than she needed to - because she was sticking it out for us. They’re in a better place now, but it’s still not a future I would have wanted for her and I’ll be damned if I let my daughter see me like that or sign up for it herself. It’s not worth it.

And now, OP's first major update amidst the divorce/custody battle:

Ive been getting a lot of questions and request for an update so Ill keep this short. We are moving forward with the divorce. He's moved out. Dads moved in the kids are good. My Ex-husband was never a very present father. He's a surgeon and spent most of his time either working or doing something with his coworkers.

He was rarely ever home and when he was he mostly wanted to be left alone to hang out by himself in his mancave. He didnt like the girls being loud or playful because it disturbed him.

Our daughters have always walked on eggshells around them and hes never taken much of an interest in their lives.

So, we just finalized our divorce. he couldn't wait to be get out of the marriage. He wanted to be done with this marriage and our kids so he could take a new job in another state and live with his affair partner.

I asked for full custody, and he was ...relieved... he didn't want custody, he didn't fight at all for them. He hasn't even seen them since the day he moved out 2 months ago.

He's gone now in another state and my oldest had her 10th birthday about 2 weeks ago. I threw a really huge party for her. I made it a really big deal and he promised her he would be there. He never showed. We get a card with a lame apology and a gift card from him a day after her birthday.

I felt so bad for her, and what makes it worse is...she wasnt even upset. I asked her how she felt about it and she shrugged, she said she wasnt surprised, and that dad didnt really love them.

What the hell do I say to that? Im at a loss for words because...I dont believe he loves them either. Do I lie to them? Tell them of course he does hes just busy. What do I tell her? The truth? No he doesnt reall love you? I have no idea what to say to my girls. Should I even bring it up?

Just not talk about it at all? Just leave the fact that their dad doesnt give a shit and has pretty much abandoned them? Just carry on as usual, because lets be honest, he hasnt been a part of our lives for a long long time.

He never really was. Not that much has changed for the girls besides the fact that they dont ned to walk on eggshells for the one or two days a month he was even at home. I just I just dont know. Both the girls are in therapy now. We all are. Maybe this is something I should bring up there.

Also, He doesnt speak to his father. He hasnt spoken to his parents since he left home to join the army at 18.

But it is true that there's worse out there. FYI, He didn't try and weasel out of child support. He didn't try to minimize his payments either. He didnt hit us, he didnt really yell a lot either.

Honestly I seem to be more upset and bothered by this than either of my girls. To them not much has changed. He was never around. They arent suddenly losing an active father who was around all the time and is now suddenly gone. Hes always been gone from their lives.

They've grown up with him as a stranger and my dad being more of their father than he ever was. My dad is now living with us. In some ways.. this is better for them. The man that doesnt really care is gone and the one who does is living with us now.

I wouldnt call him abusive. He never hit us. He didnt yell a lot. He just had very little patience for kids. He had no patience for childlike things. He would never play with them because he felt that it was "lowering himself to childish nonsense" to play tea or dress up with the girls.

I'm not sure abusive is the right word. Withholding. Absent. Emotionally unavailable. And he would get short with them if they were "too noisy" I mean.. them laughing was too noisy for him...

I'm not a stay-at-home parent. I also have a job. I'm also the only parent in this marriage. Everyone acts like I'm not working full time too. But I still manage to make time for the kids. I get the kids up and dressed for school.

My dad picks them up and stays with them until I get home. Kids get out at 3 I'm home by 6. My dad is there to pick the kids up and stays till I get home. Husband has no parts in this.

There's no coming back from this. Hed rather break our girls hearts than be a part of their lives. he was complaining to me the other day that if my father was here then he would be playing with the girls when he was home.

And the sound would annoy him. I just cant explain the rage I feel when I think about my husband, the father of my children being annoyed at the sound of his girls being happy.

Before we give you OP's major update post divorce finalization, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

sherimuniz writes:

Me and my husband have been married for 23 years. My oldest is not his. We NEVER said a bad word about my son’s real dad. NEVER!!! One day when my son was 13 he asked me why I never said anything bad about his real dad. Reason was because I wanted my son to know he could have his own opinion.

My son’s dad had nothing to do with him. That was his choice. I do not want my son to have my feelings about his real dad. I wanted him to have the choice to how he feels about his real dad.

My husband doesn’t talk about his real dad either. I would not allow it. If he started I would say this is not the time. I do not feel that bashing the other person is doing anything for my son.

My husband had two girls from a previous marriage. Those two heard the bashing from their mom about their dad. It caused issues in the end when they discovered their own opinions.

alarmingad7 writes:

I’m so happy to see this update, and so glad you’re doing well. You, and your babies, deserve so much better, and I’m sure your ex will quickly discover that the grass wasn’t greener. I’m sure it won’t be long before his life implodes.

I know it’s hard watching your kids hurting, but they’ll be fine too. It sucks to know that your daughter already has her father pegged for the deadbeat he is, but better now than when it’s something really big like graduation or her wedding day.

My boys haven’t seen their father in over 4 years, they are 12 and 14 now. Every once in a while they mention him, but it’s never in a missing him kind of way, it’s more like expressing their happiness that I’ve gotten them out of the situation and a little bit of hoping that one day he’ll deserve their presence.

You’ve got this, mamma! You have a great support system with a bonus that your parents are now able to be in the same room to rally around you. Here’s to peace and prosperity in your future.

noclassroom writes:

I read your first post and this is honestly heartbreaking for your girls but you and them wil get through it. weather the storm and with luck you’ll meet someone who will take em in as their own and treat all of you good and give them another male role model .

your ex is a massive pos that’s gonna get his day for how he treated you and the girls, the next women he marry or knocks up is not gonna be as generous as you and will sweep his feet out from under him and in all honesty he deserves it.

he should also just leave your girls alone and I know it’s a bad thing to say since he their father but he’s gonna do more harm with popping in and out of their life giving em false promises that he’ll come to they’re birthday party or to visit them. it’s heartbreaking for your girls I’m sorry your going through this.

And now, OP's major update about the situation:

Hi everyone. I'm back. My Husband is now my Ex-husband. Our state you only need 30 days between filing and judgement. We both agreed divorce was best. He moved out New years day and has never been back.

My original post sorta went viral it was reshared on ticktok and on Facebook and our family and friends wound up seeing it. My lawyer recommended I stop posting about the divorce until it was finalized. Well the divorce is now done.

After he moved out we both retained our lawyers and most of the divorced was handled through them. We didn't speak much until we went into final arbitration and signed the agreements to bring to the judge.

About a week after I retained my attorney, I had my attorney, his attorney and some movers meet at my house to inventory everything that belonged to him, including in his mancave, pack it up and ship it out to a storage unit his lawyer arranged. I didnt want to give him any reason to come after me for anything.

I know people wanted me to nail him to the wall, but I really didn't want a long and bitter divorce. He wanted to go, I wanted him gone and we both wanted it to happen as soon as possible. Turns out he was offered a job in another state, and he wanted to take and was itching to get out of here.

We both had prenups that made the division of assets pretty painless, and he had no problem with giving me full custody and paying child support. I didn't need or ask for spousal support. Honestly how little he fought for our girls was the part that hurt me the most. The biggest disagreement we had was with the house.

My mom stepped up to buy him out of the mortgage payments he put down so that me the girls and my dad wouldn't have to move.

He really wanted this done as fast as he could so he could ride off into the sunset with his affair partner and take his new job. And that's exactly what he did. He got the ending he wanted. Free of me and the kids and free to be the world's best surgeon or whatever.

Mom and dad both came through for me in big big ways. Mom is a lawyer herself and she had set up the house and my other assets to be protected

She also was the one to get me my lawyer. Dad moved into the pool house and that's where he's going to stay. My dad is going to enjoy his golden years being pop pop to our girls and dad to me. I'll make sure he won't have to worry about anything.

My daughter's 10th birthday was 2 weeks ago. My husband promised her he would fly out for it. I made this party a really big deal. I hired performers, rented a bouncy castle, had all her classmates over, most of my family was there.

My mom and dad were able to be in the same place and not fight. We had a really great time. And he never showed up. She got a card from him the day after her party with a lame apology and a $500 gift card.

I asked her if she was ok and she shrugged. She had a great time at her party and didn't expect her dad to show. She knows he doesn't love her. Thats what she told me. She wasn't really upset about it either. Shes 10 years old and already expects him to disappoint her. It breaks my heart. But she's a trooper and she didn't let it stop her from enjoying her day.

I realize that for years, Ive been trying to make a home for him to come home too but he's had one foot out the door and I've been holding his hand trying to keep him from going. I finally let go.

I'm doing better than I thought I would to be honest. And the girls are too. I don't really miss him. The girls dont really miss him. Im not even angry about the affair. She can have him. I'm just disappointed.

Readers continued to weigh in:

My ex did this with our son. There’s not really anything you can do about it. My ex would make a promise to my son and not show up all the time. When my son was very young he’d cry. All I could do is try my best to comfort him.

My son is 18 now and considers his stepfather to be his father. My ex wound up going TEN YEARS without seeing our son, only to try and reappear when our son was 16 yrs old. My son, by then, wanted no part of it.

Refused to visit his father, so we wound up in court. My son told his court appointed lawyer that the judge would need to send cops to the house and drag him out for a visit. Luckily the lawyer didn’t have to say that to the judge. Never got that far. I had my suspicions about that 7 year absence and requested a drug test for my ex. He failed, and just dropped the whole case.

Anyway, this isn’t something you can hide. You’re not in the wrong for stating facts if you do. Just steer clear of opinions and let your kids form their own. Also, remind them of how loveable they are.

That it’s not THEIR fault. My son knows he did nothing wrong. It’s his father who is missing out at this point, not him. My son knows this and he would have gotten his karmic payback in court even if I didn’t put a stop to it with the drug test.

My son was nearly 17 at that point. I don’t think a judge would have been willing to send cops to drag a 17 yr old out of the house for a visit that 17 yr old wanted no part of with a parent that had been absent for a decade.

What is YOUR take on OP's dilemma? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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